Can you give me a hug?

Asks my daughter's teddy when pressed, and here I am copying his (her? why does a teddy have to be a him?) request..

So much on my mind. I left the doctor's today and so wanted to cry, but it was the middle of my work day and I couldn't allow myself, and now, although I do want, it is kind of lost. Because he wouldn't give me a note to say breast-wise I am okay to start fertility treatment. And he is right, because over two years ago I came to him with a lump I felt. I did an u/s and a mammogram and all was clear so he told me to come for a check up a year later. Only I never came. Maybe because I was breastfeeding maybe because I was just lazy. So now I need a note for the fertility clinic but he wants me to do an u/s first (he also wanted a mammogram but as I am still breastfeeding he dropped that). And how do I do that with a little one? I can't ask my mother for help, asking the nanny is more expense that right now I really can't afford and I sure can't take her with me. And the appointment at the fertility clinic is later this week. Do I postpone it? Do I go hoping they'll be okay with it. But what if they ask me to come back again with that missing note? And my girl, what do I do with her?

And while I'm on doctors, let me tell you about the endocrinologist appointment I scheduled or at lest I thought I scheduled last time I saw her when she told me to come back a year later just to see if all's okay. Well that appointment should have been around now but apparently I didn't make that appointment and she is so fully booked she can only see me in the end of August, and my TSH is high and will it affect ttc? or worse, will they tell me I can't start until it is balanced?

And Jupiter. That would me my cat. The king. The one I found in a box one day when walking with Sky, my late dog. Together with 3 other kittens, probably two days old that someone left for their fate in a box (with a bowl of milk. how kind. note the cynicism. btw lets say he didn't know newborn kittens can't drink cow's milk, the milk was in a bowl higher than those small kittens!). Only Jupiter made it. And now I think he died. He's gone missing for too long and he came to me the other day in a dream (to say goodbye, but like lately, I didn't pay too much attention too him :-( ). And even now I'm sure he's gone, I hardly shed a tear. I want to cry but am not.

And then there is my mother. I don't really want to go into details here but it's causing me a lot of stress and grief. She doesn't see me or has ever really listened to me and while I have learned that for some time, I still try, never stop. Only this Pesach I was very hurt that while our family was split and everyone had their own Seder she took my sister's birth as an excuse not to do one with me (because my sister couldn't be for two bloody hours without my mother). No, that would be not doing a Seder with my daughter. My daughter who is almost two so probably the first meaningful Seder*. When I told sis#1 how upset I was about that, she laughed about me still expecting that from my mother, as my mother has been avoiding participating in a family Seder for years. But yes, I am almost 42 and I am still seeking my mother. a mother.

And I'm going over the past and realise, I don't think I've ever noticed this before, that she has never really had a mother-daughter talk with me. And oh, there were opportunities like when I got my period (I won't go into the whole story here because this post is already long enough, I'll just say a very big F for mother on her conduct). I asked her not to tell the men in the family as I was extremely shy. Now don't you think that's a great chance to talk with your daughter and explain that not only is there nothing to be embarrassed of, she should be very proud as she is becoming a young woman?? Well I got the okay for my request, only for her to tell (proudly :-( ) my father and brother the next moment. Or when I asked her how children are born (truly, I remember asking that!) and she sent me to my sister [to show me a kid's book on the subject]. No, that's not a good enough reason to sit with your young daughter and talk to her, and show her the book yourself. Okay, I really should stop here. It's just that I now can't count on her helping me with daughter which means either drugging her along with me or having the nanny look after her. And that just sucks. So, can you give me a hug?

* Not to worry, I found a Seder for me and daughter to participate in. Not the most fun one, but at least we had our Seder.

P.S

Not sure I have a picture of him (Jupiter). Will look later (probably tomorrow) and if I find something good enough I'll post it on a new post. He deserves at least that.