Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Sunday

In order to proceed with ttc, I need the o.k of the "breast doctor" (sorry, not sure what he's called in English) who sent me to have an ultrasound as about two years ago I discovered a lump and while the ultrasound (and mammography) back then showed that all was okay, I still needed to do a follow up a year later [phew, you can breath now, long sentence has ended..]. Didn't do it back then, so now I had to do it. Well, had the ultrasound today and while I have to wait till Sunday to get the results, I did see there was still a lump there. I am not so much worried about me and my health as I do not believe it's anything [and please, even if you do think I should be worried, please don't say anything and let me be in denial until Sunday..]. But what got me is that oh my, what about ttc?? I want to already start and not have it drugged out some more. And the questions that run in my head - will I need a mammogram? but what about breastfeeding? will I have to stop? I. do. not. want. to. stop.



And that Time photo.. the one with the 3 year old standing on a stool nursing. I like what this blogger had to say about it http://katewicker.com/2012/05/this-is-what-extended-breastfeeding-really-looks-like.html
In short, what bothered her about the picture was what was missing - no warmth. That breastfeeding, extended breastfeeding, is about the love, the bond between mother and child. And while I agree with her, I don't know how much it is about bonding and love in this house hold. Trying to think about our breastfeeding. I have stopped nursing her outside some time ago (don't remember when, I do know she does not ask or expect it when we're out) as she, well.. exposes me. There is going to sleep nursing (yes, that's how I put her to sleep. I am scared and worried about the day after nursing ends, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, not before..), when she switches from side to side to side and all I want her to do is sleep already (but also love watching her nursing and lying so close next to me. While I'd be happier if she goes to sleep quicker, I do not want this routine to end!). Likewise middle of the night nursing (usually when I go to sleep) is please go back to sleep. Then there's in-bed morning nursing. I love it, love how at some point she decides it's morning and climbs to be lying on me nursing (all while my breast is in her mouth, Breastfeeding Olympics :-) ) (but also hate it as it means it's morning!). Then there's out of bed morning nursing. When I need my time as I am sooo not a morning type (hate that time of the day! Who invented it anyway??) and I try and sit in front of the computer and she hangs on to me (well my breasts) going from side to side and climbing the nearby bookcase or practices jumping (I did mention that Olympics! I think a medalist in more than one category, lol) and all I want is for her to leave me alone [but all she wants is her mummy]. Not exactly my proud moment of the day, and not the not the "not now" [hope I'm understood with all those negatives..] as the above blogger put it. And there's after a shower nursing (we shower together), when we sit on the rocking chair wrapped in our towels  and nurse. Warm and cuddly, yes, but also does not last long as she moves and moves and moves. So while not completely cold (probably thinking of our morning session, I was thinking our nursing lack warmth), writing down how we nurse (and thinking about it), I see there are loving warm moments, more than what I thought. I wish it could be a more quite mother-daughter cuddling time. The truth is I have a child who is on the go the whole time. She can't sit still for more than a few moments and nursing is no different. And yes, this is hardly related to the Time cover, just my thoughts in response to many comments I read about that photo in general and above blogger in particular, on how we do it. And yes, nursing and ttc. I so wish I can do both!!


EDT: So even though it is only Wednesday, I decided to peek into the site, maybe maybe the results are up. Well yes the results are up: lump is the same size as last time and more importantly it said it was benign!! Of course I need the doctor to confirm, but I think I can safely say that another hurdle was passed :-).

5 comments:

Gille said...

Yes! Everything you wrote about nursing. The switching sides just drives me wild and I do sometimes wish he would just sleep or at least stay still!
I hope you get to TTC soon. I think Sunday will have great news for you!

Tiara said...

I was sad to wean Elena but also relieved. I don't miss the switching sides or the fidgeting for sure...& I'm relieved that we cuddle while sleeping so not losing any closeness.

I think you're right not to worry about Sunday, nothing you can do until then anyway. I hope everything is just fine.

Little One said...

Woo hoo...so relieved it's benign! Now you can start your journey. I miss the nursing. Scarlett weaned herself at just over a year. But I did enjoy visualizing the nursing Olympics and could picture my baby doing the same had she continued :)

Kimmyann said...

Glad to hear the lump appears unchanged.

Laraf123 said...

So glad you got good news!