tired

I am so tired, I just pushed aside my big pile of assignments to write this post.. Well i don't have time to breathe so I will never get to post and I do want to (though don't count on me remembering what I came here to post!)

Twice a week I take Butterfly to the homeschooling group. On Thurs it is relatively close and no problem getting there. In fact this is the one I took her to last year. The Sunday one, oh that's a different story! It is quite a schlep and coming back was awful with all the traffic as it was rush hour [though I'd rather stay longer and let her have more good time than leave earlier. Later I can't as I am also teaching and need to be back by a certain hour. Maybe bringing with me something she can eat on the bus, might help).
But socialization is starting to be important and most of the other kids meet daily or almost daily. She still mostly stays a lot with me, but she does go from time to time to play with them, and more importantly, the group of kids her age do know her and know her name! So if they know who she is, I guess it is a good sign we are getting there.

There is a third day in which I want her to be with the group, although this time without me. I am studying twice a week, but financially it is too difficult paying two days for a nanny without having any income. Someone from the homeschooling group offered to help me as a barter (I will do some translation job for her). First week was okay, though as expected she did cry when I left. First report this woman mentioned how B cried a little. Today, when mentioning that event she said how difficult it was :-(. The following week her son (a 4.5 yrs kid) was just recovering from an illness and was showing us the door - You.. Leave! and then he was okay but she wasn't. Eventually I had to take her with me. The lecturer was very nice about having B in her class, but it really hard making sure she doesn't make much noise. I have never wanted a lesson to end as bad as I wanted the other day! I then took her to my sister, who kindly agreed to help. But taking her to the lesson and or my sister is not an option. Taking her to the nanny is a very bad option. And right now she will not go to this other woman, which I understand because it takes time to get adjusted to new procedures. I am just so stressed about Tuesday!

But on a positive note, I would like to say that while we do have our difficult moments, on the whole I feel we are doing better than just  a short while ago, that if you remember I complained about how difficult it was. I also feel like she gave some kind of metal leap. Tonight I was putting her 5 yrs. cousin to sleep with a book the cousin chose which of course was above B's level. But then she asked me a question that clearly indicated she understood. I didn't think she did.
And then she has these questions. Almost every day she asks me: "mummy, is today tomorrow?" I do understand she is trying to understand the concept of time, but how do you answer such a question?? (I tell her that actually tomorrow never comes as it is always today).
A more difficult question she had the other day when looking at her hair and asking why it was that colour (not like my hair colour). I kind of gave a genetic explanation and how she has some of my genes and some from the donor, but I think I jumped a bit with this talk. I probably should have kept it much more simpler.

I would like to end with a cousin story. First a bit of background - while my three year old is very independent, this 5 year old (the same girl from before :-) ) is v-e-r-y clingy to her mother. As cousin's parents went for the week, we are helping out look after her and her brother. Oh, and among the instructions the mother gave, one was to keep an eye on them (when outdoors) as they are not used to being too far from her. Anyway the other day we went to this very big playground. I swung the two girls on a spider swing, but then B had enough and she wondered off. I am okay with that, I am not hysterical (my mother is..) plus I did actually follow her with my eyes and knew where she was. For that reason and because my sister specifically requested not to leave her when going places, I stayed with the cousin. Cousin then asks me if my daughter doesn't want to be around me. I was quite puzzled why she thinks my daughter doesn't want to be around me. Cousin continues asking if my daughter doesn't love me. Me again not understanding she continues - because she went so far away from you. Oh my! No, she did not go far away from me. She went to some far away thing. But this is obviously how the 5 yr views things. And her mother travels (work related) a lot!