Playful Parenting / Lawrence Cohen - not a book review

I am aiming for this to be a series of me writing about parenting/homeschooling books I've read, but at this rate... Anyway I really enjoyed reading this book, I think I've learnt a lot from it. I hope to be a more fun parent who plays more with her kid.

Today Butterfly asked me why I wanted a baby and I answered for her to have someone to play with. Meaning more in the terms of siblings as a long-term relation, that they will have each other long after I am gone, but I just said to play with. She replied in a happy voice: "that means you won't have to play with me anymore". Ouch! Big ouch. The truth is, besides being so energyless, I can't explain but I don't really want to play with her. Actually weird because before I had her, when it was other people's kids I looked after, I could play with them for hours. But when we play, mainly her playmobile and blocks that she builds things for them [and I will add in brackets that I love how she uses her imagination plus "building skills" with the combination of the two], I am tires and can't stop yawing. I try not showing her but obviously she sees. I wouldn't want my mother to behave like that when she plays with me, so why can't I do better!? She used to call me a lot to come to play, I am sad to admit she calls me much less. I want to play with her but I also don't want to play with her. C does talk about this and says playing with your child might be difficult because it brings up your own feelings etc. Don't know, just know that I have to work on it.

C talks about the importance of play for building a bond between parent and child and as a way for the child to express herself. Playing also lets kids try adult roles, helps them reconnect with their parent and recover from emotional stress. He talks about getting down (literally & metaphorically) and playing with your kid. I am glad to say that I never had any problem sitting on the floor and playing..
He also talks about the importance of rough-housing. In short rough-housing creates opportunity for a human, physical connection, and it increases the kids confidence and their sense of power [he does have rules, like no hitting or biting, and stopping as soon as a code word is said, by either side]. So I started rough-housing (or trying to) with Butterfly. We call it wrestling and I try to prevent her from getting to the sofa. But she usually doesn't like me to hold her "tight" and prefers the version in which she runs away and goes from sofa to sofa while I "didn't notice". So we don't have much of the physical contact while rough-housing, but I think that is okay as we do have a lot of physical contact throughout the day with hugs and kisses and just being near each other. On the other hand, as this is something fathers usually do, I don't want her not to have this kind of play, plus the other advantages he talked about, so I do try. Though as a mother trying to rough-house on one hand but on the other hand make sure she does not get hurt - not so easy..

Talking of play (and of no dad).. We usually play "mummy" and "daughter" (and friends) or "baby" with the playmobile. The other day I decided to add "daddy" but then felt that maybe it was wrong of me so I quickly added "brother" and "sister" [of which all she doesn't have any]. Today we had "mummy", "daughter" and "baby" and I was debating if to add "daddy" or not. On the one hand she doesn't have a daddy so why make her play this kind of imaginary game, that is why cause her to feel bad about it. On the other hand I do want her to feel normal and comfortable about who she is, including the fact that she doesn't have a daddy. Not to feel that it is something to hide or to be ashamed of so I think I should play this theme with her, but I really don't know, don't want to push her but don't want to ignore it.

Oh, I know I haven't been here in way too long. Unfortunately I hardly have time. We are doing fine - Butterfly is such an amazing little kid, and the things she says :-)

Just wanted to put here this short video of my crazy little girl being soaked by her cousin [I see kids on FB dressed nicely, hair tied up and everything is so neat and tidy, and I think how nice these kids look, but they are so not my kid! This is my kid; having fun playing with water, and earlier in mud, being barefooted (and changing clothes many times)]

"I want a daddy"

Our first. Upon telling her the very sad news that a girl from our homeschooling group has just lost her father (I don't know how old he was, but he was a young guy. It seems he had a heart attack while playing basketball. I was so shocked and sad to hear the news), upon telling her about it and stupidly saying that now E has only a mummy [okay, there is a learning curve also for parents..] Butterfly said she wanted a daddy. I did explain that she never had one and probably never will [I do not see myself in the future with a guy let alone a guy that could be a father to my daughter]. I asked if she was sad about it and she said yes.
It was a very short conversation and we quickly moved on. She did not cry or seem too sad. I was thinking - yes, it is my fault you do not have a daddy, but also - if it weren't for me, you would not have been born.
[and can't stop thinking of the 5 yr old girl (and her baby brother and mother) who will grow up without a daddy - how in some ways it is the same as us, but how it is very much different.]

What are fairies made from?

• Purim is soon and I'm making Butterfly a fairy costume. At first we were going to be Bye-Bye Kitty (who would have a purple face = daughter's favourite colour, as opposed to Hello Kitty with her white face....), but fairies is the new thing! So I finished her skirt. Now I have to do my skirt, and then figure out how to do the wings and a wand (the wand shouldn't be a problem, it's the wings I'm not sure how..).And oh yes, we are both dressing up. My mother said that was weird. I think it is nice for a mother and daughter to dress up together.
• Speaking of fairies.. She asked my mother the other day what are fairies made from (I wasn't around). It seems my mother told her fairies are not real. Hmmm.. Perhaps it was a good thing mother told me this only after I gave my answer. Because fairies are not real? What about the Tooth Fairy? I know we have a few years for that, but I am pondering whether I go with the Tooth Fairy or not. Anyway, since we have a book about how she came to be (sperm donor + IVF) and she sometimes asks me what was she made from, and since I explain that she was made from an egg and a sperm - I chose to tell her that fairies are made from sperm and an egg and fairy dust. Not sure if that would be the best answer, but that is what I came up with..
  Later my mother comes with a Disney DVD about fairies telling me there is an explanation in it of how fairies are made. Hmmm.. No. No, as I already gave my daughter an explanation and no because I really would rather not have my daughter watch a Disney movie.
• A dog!! We have a dog :-). [okay, technically he is my mother's]. I love that my child is growing up with animals. We have two cats (Michelle and Cat) and now my mum's dog. My sister who lives next door has two dogs (the younger one, Lola, sharing my daughter's birthday!). Both our dog [Flippy, as my daughter named him..] and Lola are best friends which is wonderful! 
• We had/have a bit of a social issue. We meet with our homeschooling group once or twice a week. But for various reasons we didn't come for some time. When we came back she would not play with any of the kids, saying they are not her friends and that they do not want her. Now it is not like before she was great friends with the other kids, but she would go along and try to join. Speaking with other mothers they talked about the importance of having a play-date with only one kid, so that when the kids meet with everyone, they have someone they know a bit more. Finally I arranged a play-date with this other girl (H). They played wonderfully together! Unfortunately since then Butterfly was a bit ill and couldn't go to the homeschooling meetings or to H (as we planned).
• And speaking of being ill.. A bit of coughing and a temperature (mainly at night). Mostly she was fine as she usually is when ill but still I had to stay at home with her (so she doesn't pass it on to others). Grrrr... a whole week of not meeting with other kids.. 
• Today she was playing with her cousin who lives next door. It is so fun to watch the two girls play together. They can spend hours running around playing whatever. Love that!
• Yesterday Butterfly rode with me on my bike! That is a big yay because a couple of months ago I tried to re-introduce my bike to her. I used to take her on my bike, but then she got her balance bike and for about a year and a half my bike was put aside. Well, I took her for a ride and she got scared and didn't want anymore. My bike since was not talked about. Anyway yesterday my little monkey was climbing on my bike in order to get to her boot that was stuck in a high bush (my bike being parked right under that bush) and since she was there she said lets ride. We did a little ride (unfortunately after all this time sitting idle, my bike needs air!) which was great. So yay for my little girl who overcame her fear :-).
• And last of all I will tell you that my sister just had a baby and how I feel ever so jealous. Yes, I do have a child, and I am so lucky to have her and so grateful. I know that some of my readers don't yet have even one child and here am I feeling complaining about a second child. And tomorrow we are to visit my sister and new born for the first time. I do not want to go. I do not want to see this baby. I do not want to hear about the birth [a home birth :-(. I would love to have a home birth]. I do not want to look at new-born pictures of the older kids and wow about their similarities. I just don't want to go, but I will, and I will fake it, oh well..

Tu Bishvat

That is the new year for trees (yes, we have a new year for trees :-) ) and a day we celebrate by planting (and eating dried fruit).

So Butterfly and I did some planting

Hope you can see the tree we just planted :-). It is probably a cypress, but did you know that pines live about 400 years! [those are the two types of trees that were given out to be planted].

[This would be my first Tu Bishvat in many years that I do something :-) And it was a nice day!]

P.S

Thank you for commenting on my previous post!

Delurking Week

Long time no see :-)

Started a post about a week ago but somehow didn't finish it and then.. well I make it a point not to have drafts here. In my previous blog (oh, so many years ago!) my box was full with draft posts.

Anyway, I ALWAYS just miss delurking week. Thanks to Tiara and her post (thank-you Tiara :-) ) I can post this while it is still delurking week :-). So if you are read my blog, I would love if you said hello, maybe tell me a little about your self. Also, if you write a blog relating to SMC (thinking about, trying to become, a mother) I would like read it! [of course if it's a blog you'd like to share..]

Hope to come back to blogging more often soon! In the meantime will tell you that besides being difficult, and boy can she be! Butterfly is also amazingly growing! The other day I watched a video from over a year ago. She looks more or less the same, but wow, how much she has changed! And she talks, oh how much she can talk. And you know, the things kids say.. the other day she was asking me "mummy, when is one day?". hmmm, do I too often tell you not now but one day........ ? 

Tuesday

I just had an argument with my mother. As I wrote the other day, I am having trouble Tuesday morning leaving Butterfly with Y. I didn't mention in previous post how Y told me that her husband doesn't really like me being there in the morning as it interferes with the intimacy of their morning (walking around in you jammies etc) and I do get it how an adult in your house can do that (it is not B that bothers him). But it takes time for a child to feel confident and to let her mother go. Hindsight is 20-20 but I should have come with Butterfly to Y a few times before the year begun perhaps also leaving her there for an hour or two, to get used to the idea of being under Y's charge.
Back to my mum. I asked her if she could take Butterfly over as it might the separation might be easier than my mum than from me (and I think I've mentioned but my mum is free Tue morning. and I'm not asking for the whole year, just for a few weeks until B gets used to being with Y). And I do understand it is a bit of an inconvenience. So I mention the trouble I had last Tues morning and ask her to help take B over. She answers with what will happen if she refuses. I say it will be problematic for me. She tells me not to put pressure on her (!) That I could easily send her two days to kindergarten [kindergarten here is what we have before the age of school]. So I am not allowed to put pressure on her but she can pressure me?? And no, I was not putting pressure on her. I am your daughter. I need your help. I really need your help. I asked for your help. Your help has nothing to do with whether your granddaughter goes to kindergarten or not, because by hook or by cook she won't. She then comes up to me saying I am doing this on purpose. ???. I am doing what I as a mother believe is the my daughter's best interest. It is just sad that I come to her asking for help and she won't help me thinking that she by not helping she will twist my arm into sending B to kindergarten. This reminds me of another story from when D, her eldest granddaughter was about 15 and my mother got some hair-removing cream and none of us (her daughter's)  wanted it and we all told her D would be happy to have it and my mother said no as she disapproves of hair removing and as long as D isn't an adult, she won't do anything to help D with hair removing. Except do you really think D cared? Do you think she didn't remove the hairs on her leg? Of course she did. My mother's protest had no effect. Just a silly little protest. Then it really was meaningless if she gave D the ointment or not. Now her help is just a little bit more needed. I just have to pray and hope it goes well and hope the lecturer (I have a few lessons, all with the same lecturer..) misses quite a lot of lessons (rumor has it she does).