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Monday, 1 September 2008


Yes it is painful, although not in the way I expected. I was very fear of the device used to catch/hold or whatever the cervix. Someone recommended I should ask for a balloon, someone else said that a balloon blocks the "view" of the uterus. I have no idea what method he used, but that wasn't really what hurt. Well, truth be said, the insertion of the speculum did hurt a bit (I think that like I'm not as embarrassed as I used to be about showing my private parts, I'll probably think nothing of the speculum by the time I have a baby..) and I was quite relieved when he told me to put my feet down (i.e - to lay them flat).
Little did I know that that was the easy part.. It wasn't a short and sharp pain (I think that was what I expected), but rather a long and never ending one. Funny, but it felt like I really really had to go to the loo for (and sorry for the specifics) a very very soft number 2. All I could think of during the test was how I just had to go right now, couldn't wait any longer, that if he doesn't stop right away, I'll go all over him. First thing I did once the test was over and I was free again, was rush to the toilet, only to realize that I don't really need to go..
It seems my left fallopian tube is blocked. Twice he asked me if I had some kind of surgery there :-( (no). He tried and tried but couldn't so he asked me if I wanted him to try and open the blockage. Lying there, still breathing deeply, I had those two voices inside me - "tell him no! that you'll come again some other time and do it." versus "you're here now, come on and finish with it" and so on. The winner argument was the fact that it was my left tube which was blocked. If it would have been my right one, I might have told him no thank you, but as I usually ovulate on my left side, I kind of realized I had to stay.. Well, he said it might be painful and that if at any time I feel I can't bear it, I'll tell him and he'll stop. I have no idea what he did, but that (as far as my memory goes) wasn't too bad. The real pain began again when he injected the iodine :-(. And the real sad thing is that it seems that he didn't manage to open the left tube (something about the iodine from the right tube interfering). Anyway, I scheduled an appointment with the doctor to see how I continue from here.

And a little disappointment for me - I think the body is a wonderful thing and loved the thought of seeing my very own uterus. Someone mentioned how she looked at her uterus while the doctor preformed the procedure and I was thrilled to think how I too will see my not usually seen parts. While lying down, I was happy to see a screen in front of me. Unfortunately once they started, the x-ray came in between my eyes and the screen and I couldn't see anything. I was hoping that at home with the results that come through the Internet, that they'll also post some photos, but nothing. I think there is a disc I should have collected at the end of the procedure, I'll try getting hold of it when I go and see the doctor (it is in a building right next to my fertility clinic..) and I do hope it contains some pics..

Two insights from today:
  1. Walking around with a pad is not all that terrible. I prefer pads over tampons, because I think it is important to let the blood flow out, and when I'm home and at nights I use a pad, but somehow it doesn't feel right when I'm out. So now I know it's O.K :-D
  2. Being under pain is not the time for decision making, so I should definitely make sure that when I go into labour, that there will be someone with me who is loyal to my way of thinking and believes regarding birth since obviously I won't know right from left.

Been humming this song today, well more specifically these two lines [הו מתוקה שלי, פישלת בגדול - my dear sweet heart, you screwed up big time; אני רוצה לסלוח אבל לא יכול - I want to forgive but cannot]. Same lines I hummed when I last my virginity :-(. I know that a blocked tube is not the end of the world, and I understand that either one can try and open it or go onto the IVF route (which was basically "invented" for such cases), but right now I feel crap with my own body, like I let myself down.


bleu said...

Oh hun I am so sorry for all you dealt with today. I wish I could take the feelings of letting yourself down from you because you are wonderfully perfect just as you are even if it doesn't feel like that right now.

I also know this is one area where being an SMC can be even harder because you are not there with a partner holding your hand through all this crap. Please know I am holding your hand in spirit.

Tanya said...

I had a blocked tube that they had to do surgery on as well. It was just a little laproscopic procedure. I just ended up with 3 little incisions. My doctor wanted to wait two months after that before trying the IUI again (I also had some cysts removed so it could have been to give that time to heal). Two months later and I was pregnant.

It really wasn't that bad. I just reminded myself why I was doing this. And the HSG was worse than the surger.

Billy said...

was really touched.