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Tuesday, 8 September 2009

The Talk

I Capture
Perfect Moments.

I had two good talks yesterday. The first was on the way there, a nice hearty conversation with my sister. I won't say anymore, because it was more about her than me, but it was nice having that conversation.

The second was with my 20 year old niece. Something I both wanted and was glad for the circumstances that made it possible, but was also somewhat fearful.
This TTC journey is filled with these dreams, some big some small, being shattered. Not what I expected, how I thought things would happen. Anyway one of these dreams was telling my nieces/nephews about how I am about to become a single mother (by choice). I was going to have this talk with the three older ones (14, 18.5, 20) telling them about my decision to become an SMC and what I did to become one (i.e using donor sperm), but was told it might be inappropriate for the younger one as he might feel uncomfortable with his older cousins. O.K getting those three together would probably have been quite a mission impossible.. This talk I was going to have once I'm pregnant, don't really know now why it was important for me to wait to pregnancy, maybe I thought it would happen quicker. And well, quicker it didn't happen, and they are not stupid these kids, and they do hear things, more and more as time goes by. No doubt that they know, but it was never directly from me, never I who had that talk with them.
This talk I want to have with them, is important for me beyond the fact that they are my family and should know. I think I see it as a rehearsal to being free and open to talk about it with strangers. No, not every Nosy Parker has (will have) the right to inquire about my child's origin, on the other hand I do not want it to be secret, I do not want my child growing up with this dark cloud around him/her, and as I am a very closed introverted person, who likes keeping my life to myself, there is a chance of that happening. Telling siblings/parents was probably much easier then telling the younger generation, but I owe it to my future kid to try and open up even when it is less comfortable and easy for me.
So... yesterday on the way back, alone in the car with the 20 year old we had that talk. Well not exactly "that" talk as as I said, she already knew and it was more of a broken conversation here saying this, there saying that. But it felt so good to finally have that talk with her. So what if she already knows, now she knows it "officially" from me :-).


battynurse said...

I know what you mean about telling family members. I wanted to be totally up front with people in my extended family (aunts, uncles and cousins) since I didn't want there to ever be that question of how my child came about. That dark cloud like you mentioned.

Lori Lavender Luz said...

It does feel like putting down a burden, doesn't it, to be able to open up to trusted people about it?

I'm glad you had both these moments yesterday.

Anonymous said...

I think you have such a healthy goal, to be open about your SMC-ness. So glad you had beautiful, perfect moments yesterday.

Jess said...

There is only about 2 people in my family that dont know that I have been planning on being a SMC. I'll tell them later though. I think it's great that you are letting other family members know!