Hopes

With a success rate of 15% (that is about one in every six attempts) I knew that the chances I would succeed in my first trial were very slim. But still I had high hopes. For the first week I was absolutely sure I was pregnant. I had these "signs" like getting my period on the first of April, being inseminated on the 13th of the month (I love the number 13!) and I can't remember now so much of those signs, but there were many of them. I even didn't want to drink the four cups of wine in the Seder - just in case I was pregnant. Who knows.. better be safe than sorry.

The first week went by and the second week came, and slowly slowly I became less & less convinced I was pregnant. It was probably a lot of the logic that was doing its work.. As I said at the beginning of this post, the chances are low, and better prepare myself to the worst then expect the best outcome and be highly disappointed. Well, although for the last day or two I was preparing myself to the fact that I probably didn't succeed in obtaining my goal and acknowledging the tell tale signs of my approaching period (real signs this time..), I am a bit disappointed with my reaction. Beforehand I was very much afraid I might take a failure too severely. But now that I got my "bloody" period, I am only too relaxed, not really feeling disturbed by the matter. Maybe I am still not feeling really ready (still not being able to get my house into a state where I can up bring a child). Maybe I don't yet believe that I have actually began and that someday I will have a child of my own. There was a time, not so long ago, when I could hardly believe that I will ever begin inseminations. Well, I should probably keep saying to myself that - one day I will have a child!