Shut Down

Finally, after over a week of my computer being open, I am going to close it (but being addicted as I am, I will probably open it again in 5 minutes time..). I don't usually like having the computer on non-stop for so long, but I had this translation job I had to finish, and it dragged on and on and I didn't want to close the computer until I finished it.
This job actually fell on me [is there such a phrase in English?? Probably not since it didn't come up in a google search] in a time most needed. I do need that extra cash that a job like this can bring, and was actually going to advertise at universities and colleges around here (students always need articles translated into Hebrew, and usually can't afford to go to a professional translator), but never got around to it (oh, I am so laaaaazy), so when this woman asked me to help her, I was more than glad.
Except.. it is so not easy. Things that you no doubt understand, but now you have to word it, and sometimes there's more than one way to understand the text, so how do you translate it?? And I kept distracting myself with anything but getting along with the work. And she was so sweet, told me to take my time (never tell me to take my time, because then I only postpone till later).
Anyway, I've just finished it and so relieved and happy about it. I should go ahead and advertise myself, after all, it is good money.

no title *

Along with tracking ovulation in the clinic by u/s and blood tests, I also write down my temperatures. I also tried once checking CM and cervix, but I couldn't figure out if it is EWCM or what (and I'll spare you the TMI), and the cervix.. well I checked until I was inseminated. After that was scared that I might infect myself (if hands weren't washed well enough, etc) so avoided to. Anyway, I'm drifting.. So charting my temps enables me (even if in retrospect) to pin point when exactly I ovulate. And suddenly this week I think I see a pattern. I knew that sometimes I ovulate a bit early (day 13) and usually late (around day 18), but didn't see beyond this. That is I knew that mostly I have longish cycles, and when I ovulated early, I cursed it since it meant that my TWW will grow into an almost three week wait. And then last month was one of my shortest cycles ever, and suddenly I noticed that I also ovulated earlish! So it came to me that I always menstruate 13 days (plus minus of course) after I ovulate. And thus it will always be a TWW (thanks God for small miracles..).
I also believe I can see a pattern between the above and the side in which ovulation occurs - as far as I can see, when the follicles grow on the right, I tend to ovulate earlier, but more often they grow on the left, and those are also the times in which I ovulate a bit later. Fascinating!

Anyway since I'm taking Ovidrel, ovulation will occur a bit mid way (little earlier than what I would expect a left side ovulation). Funny, the nurse left me instructions to take it today [at whatever time, which kind of relieved me, since I thought I had to take it at the same time as the Gonal which I'm taking in the evenings, which made me worry if I insem in the morning, if it isn't too early (O occurring 24-36 hours after shot; frozen sperm having a life span of 12-24 hours)] and come in tomorrow. I immediately phoned the bank. I will just add that I didn't speak to the nurse from the clinic (I was in the shower) and anyway it was when they finished working, or at least answering our calls. So I phone the bank, and they reminded me to bring a note from the clinic [that I will be a good girl and take spermies straight to the clinic, do not pass go, do not try self insemination]. Oops, no note this time. But you know me.. it's not the first time I took sperm from you and headed to a (the) clinic. So bring it tomorrow morning she suggests. Except.. I really don't want to go to the clinic, then the bank and then back to the clinic again. Prior to Ovidrel, when they would see on the scan nice follicles, I would do that triple trip. At least now I don't have to. So phone them tomorrow morning - another of her suggestions. Which might have been fine, except.. I need to leave quite early in the morning, before the clinic opens [oh, and I don't own a cell phone (out of choice - I do not want one), so can't really phone from the way or something]. Anyway she ended saying she'll try calling them. Hope it won't be a problem..

And one last thing (I know - long post). I am happy to do this on a Tuesday. That is when the nice and caring doctor, the one who is quick and painless, works. But I promised myself (yet once again) to come in the next day for a scan, and maybe have a double insemination. Unfortunately I can already feel my cold feet..

* better than leaving that box empty, haa..

Weird Dream

Just dreamt about my niece who is 20 years old. I heard that she is about to start IVF treatments in order to become a mother, and I really can't understand why. I try talking to my sister (her mother), telling her that she is only 20 years old, has just been released from military service (in reality - not yet..) and is just beginning life. Why have children so early!? Then suddenly I realize that all along this niece was present and feel quite embarrassed (I think they tried hinting).
Later we (niece and I) are both hanging washing and I try and talk to her about it. I am not sure if she has a boyfriend and is going to do it with him, or not (in reality she quite recently split up from first serious boyfriend). I ask her then why start with IVF, and I understand it's a standard protocol (and that I was different..). I had a feeling of yes - another person who will get pregnant before me and another 9 months I'll have to wait for my turn (because obviously it won't happen while they're pregnant...). So now I am jealous of those who are not and most likely won't be for quite some time???

new image

Last night I had this conversation with sister #4. Funny, I think she had the urge to call me and chat with me just like I have the urge to do so with sister #6 (except I keep delaying it..). She asked me about TTC (I'm very general about it - yes I am still trying, no, I'm not pregnant yet..), and then made me laugh by asking: "Can't you get any tips to make it work faster?"

Anyway, I've been wanting for quite some time to change my "photo" here. I felt like having a sunflower, googled sunflower, and went along with whatever I found. Nice picture, but not quite me. So was thinking of asking her (she's an artists) to create an image for me. She once drew me this picture for my other blog

and I just love it. I love it because I think it's pretty and clean and I love it's simplicity. But mainly because it's unique and very representative of me. I teach English (at the time was attempting to do so at school, but oh, that's just another failure in life..) and am a night owl (and my nick on that blog reflects that). I just love looking at this image she created for me. I was thinking of maybe using it here, but I don't think it fits. Here I would want something that belongs to this blog, but would want something that will be able to stay with me, not something that will be good today and not tomorrow (i.e good for now when I'm TTC, and good for if/when I am a mother). So last night I asked her to draw me some kind of image. Except.. I have no idea what. I briefly mentioned this blog but of course won't let her in, so can't count on inspiration coming from her. So..... if anybody has any idea - I would love to hear!

Oh, and I do hope that having an image she draws won't mean she'll be able to find this blog (though I doubt she'd be looking), would have to think about that [how easy is it to google a certain picture].

An Amendment, but first - Cats

I have too many cats here and would really like to get rid of most of them [i.e - take them to some kind of animal shelter], just keep my two favourites (Jupiter & Michelle). I just can't handle it! I can't do it by myself if only due to lack of mobility (no car) and don't really know how to do it. Don't know technically (do I look for a large box to put them in?? Is it feasible at all to take them in a car?? Most of them will let me handle them, but what about the few that won't?? Do they get to stay?? Really don't know, but I know that I just can't carry on like this. Anyway, building up on asking sister #4 to help me here.

And while I'm with the issue of cats, funny thing: There is Kat who has these kittens who still suckle (although they are big enough to go without). And there are her sister Du's older kittens [they also had a brother - Mann, as inKatMannDu, but he died] who although weaned, do come to Kat from time to time to suckle. Why not, if the cat herself doesn't mind.. That in itself is weird, but now there is this other weened kitten who also decided to enjoy the feast.. And Kat just lets them all.


Besides writing about my cats, I would also like to make an amendment to my post about my therapist.

Turns out that although she looks bigger, she is only 15 weeks pregnant. She said that she was debating this issue, and consulted with (whoever). She was told that she shouldn't say anything and that it should come from me. She said that her gut feeling told her that she should ignore this advise and just tell me and was waiting for the right moment. Last session she was thinking of telling me (didn't before because, you know, first trimester, the uncertainties of not holding a pregnancy to term) but besides me being very moody, I was also at the very end of my TWW, which she thought could be a very bad timing for such news. So just wanted to fix whatever you thought about her!

My Bucket List

Was tagged by Heavy heart to write 10 things I would have liked to accomplish before I die. So here goes:

1. Well ,hmm.... lets think... What could I possibly list as my number one!? To be a mummy, maybe? And while I'm at it I will be greedy and wish to mother at least three kids. Yes, probably not likely. O.K, then two.. [one thing that does appeal to me with hormones is the higher chance of twins. Yes, I would love to have twins!]


2. I really really want to move to live in the north of Israel. Am not doing anything about it right now, because being in the north means being secluded (my family lives mostly here in the centre), and I am egoistic and thinking of the help I might need from my mother as a single mother. Well, I plan to get into moving once my child is old enough.


3. Besides moving to the north, would like to live a year or two with child/ren in a different country. A different place, different atmosphere, different culture. My dream country is New-Zealand, but also Ireland and Scotland are good.


4. Would l-o-v-e to see the Northern Lights!


5. Find love. To live with someone whom I love and who loves me, not a child-parent love, but a man-woman love (or hell maybe even woman-woman, what do I know? see #10).


6. Learn a new language, and be able to use it fluently. And if I accomplish that, learn another new language! French is on the top of my list, but also Arabic, Spanish, Chinese...


7. Learn to play the piano. When I was a child, I did learn, but it was a year and a half here and a year and a half there, not really too serious. I can still play a bit (teeny weeny weeny bit), but would like to be able to open a music book and just sit and play whatever music I want.


8. Can't think of anything else to add here. Probably after hitting the "publish" button, I'll come up with all sorts of things I would like to have accomplished before I die. Thinking, thinking, thinking... Nope, nothing.


9. If I'm already on the subject of dying, would like to mention how I would want my body to be cremated and the ashes flown in the wind in some kind of natural feature (could be a river, a forest, etc.). Not to have a specific place where I'm buried, just to return to nature.


10. Should I, or shouldn't I?? Yes? No? Yes? No? Left this one to be last, will write it and then think if to press the publish button.. After all, besides Michal, I am completely anonymous here - what are the chances of me meeting up with any of you? (Although of course I would love to!), so anonymous haven here I go. Sex, that was what all my introduction was about. Want to have it and have it and have it. I can count on [shall I say on what!?] how many times [hint - should I have added here the plural s?] I had sex, and I'm tired of being such a closed and reserved person. I am also a human and so have desires.
    O.K, so now I'm all red. Will cover my eyes and close my computer [not really, I need it for a translation job I'm doing].

Oh, and being a meme I guess I'm supposed to tag other people? Well I'll go the lazy version - if you want to do this meme, consider yourself tagged!

Stupid is Stupid Does (updated)

or - Curiosity Killed the Cat
(to compensate on earlier's lack of title, I now have two!)

Yesterday, after injecting, stupidly thinking that the dose was in the needle itself, or more in the cap surrounding the needle (stupid stupid stupid! I now have these needles and caps in front of me, and of course it's just plastic to protect), I played around, seeing what happens if I put this number on the dial and then that number etc. (that's the curios me at work. can't just let things be, have to play around..). I thought (and will state again - real stupid of me!) I was just playing with the remainder of the shot I just gave myself, stuff that anyway gets thrown away (and was even wondering about that, if I need to inject myself with 75, and it's a 300..... )
Anyway.. today I come to give myself a shot, and..... nothing. I can't get it to work, can't pull where I'm supposed to. Yes, I now realize that it's yesterdays playing around. I almost went yesterday morning and bought a new pen (the last was a remainder from previous cycle, so thank God it was only a day, maybe two worth of meds that I wasted..), but decided to do so on Sunday morning.
So now I am left without a shot. Can't really go out now and get one because the pharmacies are closed now.. So I guess I'll have to skip today. Hope that not giving one day doesn't blow it. And tomorrow when I do purchase - should I give myself a dose then (12 hours after I was supposed to) and another one 12 hours later (as on schedule), or do I just skip today's dose altogether?

update: Was going to go in early and get the shot (was actually even planning on going earlier to the local shop to get some emergency cat food since as usual we managed to finish the food on the weekend..), but over slept.
Ended going to this pharmacy right before work in the early afternoon(not before forgetting the prescription at home and rushing back, etc.)

I was somewhat ill this week. Nothing serious or anything (on the contrary..), just a little fever and feeling bad. But..... I am never sick! I truly am not. One thing I am so proud of in myself is my strong resilient body, I may be a failure and unsuccessful in many other areas, but not when it comes to my body. And then there are 5 IUI's to show me different. And this fever.. I only know I had a temperature because I'm charting my temps, so maybe in the past I just wasn't aware of actually being ill (just thinking - oh, I don't feel well). And maybe it's the failure of my fifth attempt that brought this fever along, going upper class with hormones. Because I didn't feel at all any symptom this time (and boy, do I look..) and then 2 days before my period my temperature started dropping, and I knew. So maybe this fever was some kind of way for my body to cope (didn't have the chance to ponder about why can't I get pregnant, was too busy not feeling well..).
Anyway, enough said about it, just want to add that I am sorry I hardly read blogs this week (am slowly catching up on them!).

On another note I'll mention that I finally weighed myself. I told myself that the day I get my period (unless it should me in, say - 9 months time. yeaa funny) I will get on the scales. I didn't want to weigh myself because I just knew I put on weight and really didn't want to see a number of 70 or above (7 is my lucky number and so is 70 a great number. Except when it comes to the scales, then it's a horrific number..). Well I was happy to see that I'm less. Still have to loose at least 10-15 kg. to an acceptable weight. And my sister asking (without knowing the above) if I've lost weight.. Gives me an incentive to keep going..

And lastly.. I would like to thank you all for your comments on my last post. It was a vent, as I was angry at my psychologist (and still feel uneasy about our next session..). I don't know why she decided not to tell me, if she had a professional reason or if as a human she didn't know how to do so, or what. But on the overall I am pleased with her, and am not in the mind of finding a new therapist. Not only do I not want to start opening up to a completely new person, but I give her a lot of credit in my trying to become a mother. If not for her, I would probably still be dwelling in the 'I will never ever be a mother' mode. Although I still find it hard to believe, at least now I am taking action.

P,S
I love the fact that I don't have to have a title in order to post since I don't always have one (somewhere else I blog you can't post without a title). But sometimes I just forget. I delay thinking of a title until I finish writing the post, but then I hit the publish button forgetting I haven't yet thought of (let alone added) a title, and well, the post has been published.. So once again I forgot to add a title, and well, since I am too lazy to think of one, I'll just leave it as is.

A Letter to my Shrink

Dear .....

You pin-pointed today correctly - I was angry (although I of course denied being so) at an injustice in the world, but the injustice I felt was more in the room itself.

A while ago I thought I saw you had a little belly, and thought - oh, so you're pregnant, but straight away dismissed that, you probably just put on some weight.

And today I was moody. Didn't really want to talk about anything. It's the end of the TWW plus I'm really not feeling well that probably enhanced my inwardness.
But looking at you tummy, your big and most probable pregnant tummy made me feel angry at you. I wasn't completely sure (since we were sitting, got the confirmation when our meeting ended and you stood up), so although I was thinking of asking, I decided not to. Yes, I know I should have put the cards on the table, let you know why I'm really upset.

And do you want to know why I'm really upset? Yes, out of all the people, my therapist is the last person I would like to see getting knocked up so easily (of course I don't really know and you too might have been trying for some time, but somehow I vision you and partner just doing it the old fashioned and enjoyable way. But what do I know). But what really bothered me was the fact that you haven't told me, just waited for me to discover it by myself, and it's not something one won't figure out sometime along the line (and yes, I probably took my time..). All these sessions I'm talking about trying to get there, while you are...

Yours, Billy.

Fear

I want to be a mother. I also want ever so much to be pregnant. To have a baby growing inside me, to feel it growing and developing, to feel its kicks and movements, to have this special bond only a mother can have with her kid from a time before he or she is born.
And yet, in the last few days, I fear the feeling of something growing in me. Is it the claustrophobic me thinking of this fetus locked up in a small space for such a long period of time!? Is it because I doubt if I'm ready, if I'll ever be ready!? Or maybe it's the morning sickness which who knows if I'll be one of those who it more or less skips them or if I'll be one of those who vomits all day.
Anyway, I am pretty sure that it won't be this time (though I did have another dream in which we [who?] were counting 18 days of elevated temperature [=pregnancy..], but that could be wishful thinking. Although yet again, that night, before going to sleep I did ask that if I am pregnant to be notified in a dream..),I have a feeling my period is just around the corner.

/\Technical Question\/

Last night I added a blogroll. Unfortunately (in my eyes, of course), I can't get it aligned. It drives me crazy that blogs with long names that continue into the next row start under the bulleted diamond, instead of under the word above them [hope I'm understood, because I can't even put here an example since extra spaces are condensed].

A few options I thought of:

• Reducing the size of the font. Looking how to do that, I finally found how to reduce the size of the date (why is the default date so huge??) which was also something that bugged me. But couldn't find how to do it to my links. Besides, will that really help? And if there is a very long blog name, does that mean I should minimize the font to an unreadable size?!
• Thought of maybe "cutting" long names and giving them each a link. For example - if I take the blog "CouldYouMaybe Baby" in which the word baby goes on to the next line, I could create a link with the wording "CouldYouMaybe", and right underneath it another link with just "Baby". And yes, this solution sounds pretty stupid to me, and I don't even know if it is possible to have different links to the same source.
• Another option might be to remove the bullet signs, because the text is aligned with the bullet, so there is alignment going on, just not how I fancy it.. Except I have completely no idea how to do so.
• Any other options?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And while I'm at it, a question about sitemeter. A couple of weeks ago I tried adding sitemeter, but I can't seem to understand how to do it. I am stuck at instruction #5:

Blogger.com Instructions These are the instructions for adding a SiteMeter web counter and tracker to your Blog.
1. Select the HTML code in the box (below) with your mouse.
2. Copy it to the clipboard.(Press the CTRL key and the letter C at the same time.)
3. Login to Blogger.
4. From the dashboard, click on the Layout link for your blog (the link may also say Template on some dashboards).
5. On the "Add and Arrange Page Elements" page, click on the Edit HTML link.
6. On the "Edit Template" section, you will want to scroll to the very bottom and find the tag.
7. Paste the SiteMeter HTML right above the tag.
8. Press the Save Template button to add SiteMeter to your blog.
9. Press the View Blog button. The SiteMeter logo should be visible on the bottom of your page.

Does anyone have a clue how to add the sitemeter?

Dreaming that I vomited - does that count towards morning sickness?
(Not that I'm looking forward for that, and it's probably way too early for any symptom even if I am pregnant [which between you and me I actually doubt this one worked])