Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Aspereger

Not so long ago I read this most fascinating book (Songs of the Gorilla Nation by Dawn Prince-Hughes) about a woman with Asperger's Syndrome. I remember the feeling of identification with her social difficulties. So when it was bluntly hinted that I might be on the spectrum, I was thinking - maybe yes, maybe that's the source of my difficulties.
But.. assume I am. Then what? Does that mean I can't have kids!? Does that mean I take a magic pill and puff I'm O.K!? It was mentioned that I deserve to have a name for my problems. A tag?? Hell no. I have been tagged as different and unusual and strange all my life. I had my dad calling me retarded as a child and kids nicknaming me at school and all. I'm finally feeling somewhat normal in the last few years, I definitely do not want a new tag over my shoulders saying - different. And yes, attempting to be an SMC might, is, still not a path most people take, but a path to motherhood is still a path into normalcy.
Assuming still that I am, it was queried whether any woman who wants to be a mother can. I would have to answer with a "yes" and a "yes" and yet again a "yes"! O.K there are extreme cases when the answer most certainly should be a "no" like a teenager who fancies a baby because babies are cute tomorrow thinking that puppies are cute, or cases where there might be an ethical dilemma like a severely retarded woman. But other than that, if a woman wants a child, if a woman goes over the mountain and beyond in order to have that child, then yes, she deserves to have that child. More than that, her child definitely deserves to be born to a mother who wanted him* and craved for him and loves him.

But then again, I most probably am not on the spectrum (and "probably not" will suffice me with carrying on with my life as before. I really don't think I need to have any diagnoses done or whatever. I am seeing a therapist and we are working on things. In fact, it's the waiting between cycles that pulls me down. When no child can be seen in my future, when hope is too far in the distance, I sink, I lack motivation and will and strength to do anything [and yes, I know it should come from within but that does not mean I will be a terrible mother or that my child will suffer and we are working on that at therapy]). I have my difficulties and my issues, but I am not an Aspereger.
Just reading the link about this woman, and how she doesn't understand her kids, how when they cry she has no idea why so she technically goes through possibilities (i.e she first tries to feed then change the nappy, etc.). Not understanding young children couldn't be further than who I am. While I do have trouble communicating with adults, I most certainly do not have any problems when it comes to kids. I am known to bond easily with the young ones. And many times I feel I understand kids better than their own parents. To say that I will harm a child? To indicate that I won't understand their needs??
And yes, I am feeling strong now. I have cycled, done what I can and now I wait (hmmm... only 4 days have gone by!? This is going to be a very long TWW! MeAndBaby - How are you doing?). I am now motivated and am doing. I can proudly state that 2 cats are fixed (2 more to be fixed) and have started on my house. I am even proud of how I dealt with cats, how I overcame my shyness and embarrassment and asked someone to use their phone, and how I managed to go back and forth to the vet with a heavy cage both on Sunday (taking) and Monday (returning) in order to fix the cats. So yes, I know that I will be a good enough mother.


* him... her... whatever comes :-)

12 comments:

Michal said...

Not sure you'll accept it, but I'm proud of you too. Good for you for finding the motivation. Sorry for losing faith, maybe I shouldn't have, maybe it was indeed only this month of having to take a break (did you? time flies by) that made you sink. But then I do hope having to face my mirror had some of this positive effect (hope = for my guilty feelings...), I felt I just can't let it go on as is any longer. Glad you're stronger again. And good luck!

Dora said...

Awesome post, Billy. I would agree with your assessment that you don't have Asperger's. Glad you're feeling strong. Hope this is the month!

BTW, what a selfish comment above. She hopes what she did helps so she doesn't have to feel guilty? Selfish, and nowhere near an apology.

meandbaby said...

So happy to read this post Billy! You sound confident and YES you can be a mother, you deserve it and the child deserves you. :) And happy to be going through the 2ww with you too!! Soon we will both know.

Pepper said...

You sound good! It's often tough to weed through other people's advice, especially assvice of the unsolicited variety, to find your own truth. (Didn't mean to be so Oprah, but I couldn't think of a better way to phrase what I wanted to say.) Sounds like you've done that, which is no small feat. Congrats. :-)

battynurse said...

Sounds like you are doing better. Good for you. There are lots of various reasons for some of the symptoms you've described and other conditions also. No I don't think you necessarily need to put a name on it. As long as you are treating or working on it it's forward progress. And yes, you can be a mother even if you have your difficulties. Hang in there girl. Hugs to you.

Joni said...

What a great post Billy. It sounds like you've struggled a lot to get to where you are right now. You will be a great Mom!! You have so much to share with a child. He/She/They will be lucky, lucky, lucky to have you.

princessoftides said...

What they said! It's good to hear the confidence in your voice. There are bound to be down times along with the up ones, but the up ones are a heck of a lot more pleasant. So enjoy!

Jess said...

I agree with the others!! You'll be a great mother and it does sound like you've been through a lot(Hugs)! I hope you get your BFP very soon!!! and thank you for responding to my blog!

Lori said...

Experiences like these make us compassionate. That's one of the best traits a mother can have.

Best wishes to you, Billy.

tbonegrl said...

I wish you good luck on your journey. I am here from the creme list.

Lut C. said...

Visiting from the crème de la crème list.

Becoming an SMC is not the easiest of paths. A friend of mine succeeded, and I admire her for it.

Anonymous said...

I have Aspergers and my little one is due in about three weeks. It's so not true that being on the spectrum would necessarily leave one without the ability to connect and deeply understand one's child - in fact I think the opposite is often true. It is well known how well autistic individuals can connect to animals - unfortunately we often try and connect in the same way to humans, which may be too honest or too direct for society to handle. With a little baby, there are no such preconceived boundaries. No, not all people with Aspergers would be able to do this, but not all neurotypical people are able to be good parents either. In the end, our hearts beat the same, even if our minds are wired somewhat differently.