Not so long ago I read this most fascinating book (Songs of the Gorilla Nation by Dawn Prince-Hughes) about a woman with Asperger's Syndrome. I remember the feeling of identification with her social difficulties. So when it was bluntly hinted that I might be on the spectrum, I was thinking - maybe yes, maybe that's the source of my difficulties.
But.. assume I am. Then what? Does that mean I can't have kids!? Does that mean I take a magic pill and puff I'm O.K!? It was mentioned that I deserve to have a name for my problems. A tag?? Hell no. I have been tagged as different and unusual and strange all my life. I had my dad calling me retarded as a child and kids nicknaming me at school and all. I'm finally feeling somewhat normal in the last few years, I definitely do not want a new tag over my shoulders saying - different. And yes, attempting to be an SMC might, is, still not a path most people take, but a path to motherhood is still a path into normalcy.
Assuming still that I am, it was queried whether any woman who wants to be a mother can. I would have to answer with a "yes" and a "yes" and yet again a "yes"! O.K there are extreme cases when the answer most certainly should be a "no" like a teenager who fancies a baby because babies are cute tomorrow thinking that puppies are cute, or cases where there might be an ethical dilemma like a severely retarded woman. But other than that, if a woman wants a child, if a woman goes over the mountain and beyond in order to have that child, then yes, she deserves to have that child. More than that, her child definitely deserves to be born to a mother who wanted him* and craved for him and loves him.
But then again, I most probably am not on the spectrum (and "probably not" will suffice me with carrying on with my life as before. I really don't think I need to have any diagnoses done or whatever. I am seeing a therapist and we are working on things. In fact, it's the waiting between cycles that pulls me down. When no child can be seen in my future, when hope is too far in the distance, I sink, I lack motivation and will and strength to do anything [and yes, I know it should come from within but that does not mean I will be a terrible mother or that my child will suffer and we are working on that at therapy]). I have my difficulties and my issues, but I am not an Aspereger.
Just reading the link about this woman, and how she doesn't understand her kids, how when they cry she has no idea why so she technically goes through possibilities (i.e she first tries to feed then change the nappy, etc.). Not understanding young children couldn't be further than who I am. While I do have trouble communicating with adults, I most certainly do not have any problems when it comes to kids. I am known to bond easily with the young ones. And many times I feel I understand kids better than their own parents. To say that I will harm a child? To indicate that I won't understand their needs??
And yes, I am feeling strong now. I have cycled, done what I can and now I wait (hmmm... only 4 days have gone by!? This is going to be a very long TWW! MeAndBaby - How are you doing?). I am now motivated and am doing. I can proudly state that 2 cats are fixed (2 more to be fixed) and have started on my house. I am even proud of how I dealt with cats, how I overcame my shyness and embarrassment and asked someone to use their phone, and how I managed to go back and forth to the vet with a heavy cage both on Sunday (taking) and Monday (returning) in order to fix the cats. So yes, I know that I will be a good enough mother.
* him... her... whatever comes :-)