Trying to write why and what happened/is happening. I was crushed and pounded by someone who put a big mirror in front of my face and said hey, you are not ready (now) to have a child, to take care of one. You should first deal with issues like my complete lack of energy and motivation to change things. For example my mess, and to say "mess" would be an understatement, it is really bad what is going on here. It bothers me a lot, this condition in which I live in, but am not doing too much to change it. Yes, I do ocasionally have sprouts and start working on my place, but never managed to complete, and then it always goes back to its bad condition and even worse. I do earnestly believe that even if I don't manage to have it under control until I get knocked up, that knowing that I have to and there is no time to play will push me. But what if not?
I was so hurt by this person. Now I am angry and hating her, and feeling so empty emotion wise (which is another issue - am I such an emotionless being, or do I bury them so deep down so as not to get hurt). The bottom line of this person is that currently I am unfit to parent (and please don't tell me that I am. You only know the things I choose to portray, my "good side". This person does know me very well and knows all my faults) and that I should have a break from my TTC efforts to work things out which should also be done with the help of pshychriatric medication (something for anxiety?).
I don't know, maybe there is this magic pill that will do wonders on me. Maybe there is something out there that can helo me. I woke up next morning feeling that maybe yes (but then was very angry at her for stalking me here). So maybe I should take a break? And then there's my psychologist who is due sometime ealry summer, which means quit seeing her or having a long break, so seeing a new guy (i.e psychiatric) probably won't be too bad.
And now I have this cycle going on, and should I continue or not.. Because what if it does work out and I don't manage to sort things out by the time baby comes? They surprised me yesterday by telling me to come in on Friday for an insem. Did think I would have more time to think (Fri will be CD 12) and now it's rush rush rush. Had to quickly get my HIV result (most blood tests results are updated on the web site. HIV goes directly to the reffering doctor) so that the new bank will let me have sperm. Almost seemed like I left it too late and so aids spoke as to postponing treatments. And there's the Ovidrel which I haven't yet bought and should really go now and get it instead of typing this post..
So yes, I will finish this cycle. What then, I really don't know. I am very much skeptical about the chances of this cycle working. It is also on neutral grounds that I'm feeling it won't work (pessimistic me), but also since it seems a bit early (I assume my blood results showed I'm nearing ovulation, but I don't even want to know) and I only have one leading folicle which was 16 on Wed morning (and I am with hormones, but might have started too late, and of course that day I skipped didn't help..).
I will carry on also because I need 3 medicated cycles before being approved to move on to IVF (this being the 3rd). So I will do this cycle, assume it won't work, and then have all the bureaucracy and new tests and whatever before being able to move on to an IVF cycle, so maybe then I should/would/could seek help.
And I don't want to stop all and go on whatever medication just because X said. And right now it is very much X saying and pushing and pressuring. It kind of seems that for X this is the only possible solution, that she knows what is better for me more than I do.
And I think the main reason is the issue of time. I so feel like I don't have any. I am not even talking about wanting more than one child. I am very scared that if I tarry (is that the correct word?) that I might just miss the train, that I'll never be able to be a mother. She says just postpone, but I feel that I don't have any time to "just"postpone, if I do so I will miss out on motherhood. And doing this means finding a psychiatric (O.K I will play along and assume that tomorrow I will find one), and opening up to a new guy. I really don't think I want to spill my guts to somebody new, and the time it will take to do so before he will be able to prescribe anything. And of course while on medication I won't be able to try and conceive, and did I mention that I really don't have time?
Thank you all for your kind words on last post. It so warms the heart..