Thursday, 22 January 2009

time

Trying to write why and what happened/is happening. I was crushed and pounded by someone who put a big mirror in front of my face and said hey, you are not ready (now) to have a child, to take care of one. You should first deal with issues like my complete lack of energy and motivation to change things. For example my mess, and to say "mess" would be an understatement, it is really bad what is going on here. It bothers me a lot, this condition in which I live in, but am not doing too much to change it. Yes, I do ocasionally have sprouts and start working on my place, but never managed to complete, and then it always goes back to its bad condition and even worse. I do earnestly believe that even if I don't manage to have it under control until I get knocked up, that knowing that I have to and there is no time to play will push me. But what if not?
I was so hurt by this person. Now I am angry and hating her, and feeling so empty emotion wise (which is another issue - am I such an emotionless being, or do I bury them so deep down so as not to get hurt). The bottom line of this person is that currently I am unfit to parent (and please don't tell me that I am. You only know the things I choose to portray, my "good side". This person does know me very well and knows all my faults) and that I should have a break from my TTC efforts to work things out which should also be done with the help of pshychriatric medication (something for anxiety?).
I don't know, maybe there is this magic pill that will do wonders on me. Maybe there is something out there that can helo me. I woke up next morning feeling that maybe yes (but then was very angry at her for stalking me here). So maybe I should take a break? And then there's my psychologist who is due sometime ealry summer, which means quit seeing her or having a long break, so seeing a new guy (i.e psychiatric) probably won't be too bad.
And now I have this cycle going on, and should I continue or not.. Because what if it does work out and I don't manage to sort things out by the time baby comes? They surprised me yesterday by telling me to come in on Friday for an insem. Did think I would have more time to think (Fri will be CD 12) and now it's rush rush rush. Had to quickly get my HIV result (most blood tests results are updated on the web site. HIV goes directly to the reffering doctor) so that the new bank will let me have sperm. Almost seemed like I left it too late and so aids spoke as to postponing treatments. And there's the Ovidrel which I haven't yet bought and should really go now and get it instead of typing this post..
So yes, I will finish this cycle. What then, I really don't know. I am very much skeptical about the chances of this cycle working. It is also on neutral grounds that I'm feeling it won't work (pessimistic me), but also since it seems a bit early (I assume my blood results showed I'm nearing ovulation, but I don't even want to know) and I only have one leading folicle which was 16 on Wed morning (and I am with hormones, but might have started too late, and of course that day I skipped didn't help..).
I will carry on also because I need 3 medicated cycles before being approved to move on to IVF (this being the 3rd). So I will do this cycle, assume it won't work, and then have all the bureaucracy and new tests and whatever before being able to move on to an IVF cycle, so maybe then I should/would/could seek help.
And I don't want to stop all and go on whatever medication just because X said. And right now it is very much X saying and pushing and pressuring. It kind of seems that for X this is the only possible solution, that she knows what is better for me more than I do.
And I think the main reason is the issue of time. I so feel like I don't have any. I am not even talking about wanting more than one child. I am very scared that if I tarry (is that the correct word?) that I might just miss the train, that I'll never be able to be a mother. She says just postpone, but I feel that I don't have any time to "just"postpone, if I do so I will miss out on motherhood. And doing this means finding a psychiatric (O.K I will play along and assume that tomorrow I will find one), and opening up to a new guy. I really don't think I want to spill my guts to somebody new, and the time it will take to do so before he will be able to prescribe anything. And of course while on medication I won't be able to try and conceive, and did I mention that I really don't have time?

P.S
Thank you all for your kind words on last post. It so warms the heart..

15 comments:

Michal said...

Sorry for stalking, I guess it's hard to help myself.
Please note that the diagnostic exam I referred to (אבחון) is something structured that takes a matter of hours. It's less of "spilling guts" as you don't have to dig into yourself but rather follow tasks and questions and associations that are later analyzed in your absence and you eventually get a report.
A psychiatrists, unlike psychologists, are not necessarily met on a regular basis. They do usually meet you for a single meeting and give you prescription, then meet you again a week or two later for fine-tuning. So this too is less of a gut-spill experience. You can work out with the psychologist what are the phenomena that you need to report about, if you decide to go for this direction.
Sorry again for the invasion.

Naomi said...

wow. This person obviously has their own issues and instead of dealing with them, they find it easier to make you feel bad about yourself. If they were really your friend, they would be supportive and offer constructive criticism and not badger you. A friend says, "let me come over and help" not "you suck, do what i tell you to do."

My house has always been a disaster. I too clean in spurts and everything looks great for a bit, then due to my own problems with maintenance, it falls apart. It is what it is. Hoarding clutter does not mean you're going to be a bad mother. That's idiotic.

If you've been in therapy for a long time with one person and not making significant progress, then perhaps a change would be good. A psychiatrist might suggest meds, but maybe not...don't let your "friend" and I use that term lightly, diagnose you based on what? medication ads she's seen on tv? yeeesh.

If there's one thing I've learned in life, is sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to purge your life of people that are full of negativity and are always trying to "fix" you. You'll be happier and maybe then find the energy to whatever it is you feel you need to do.

You're going to be a great mom. And when it happens, we can both blog about keeping cleaner homes and setting good examples for our kids. xo

Naomi said...

lol sorry that was so long! I went through a similar situation a while back, and I think I have a lot of pent up emotion about it...see, that's me pushing my issues on you :)

xo

meandbaby said...

I agree with Naomi. You should surround yourself with positive people. No one needs a "friend" like that. Truly.

And I wouldn't worry about your place - I tend to be the same way -clean up when I'm forced to at the last minute. You'll have nine months to declutter before baby comes!! It'll get done when/if it has to.

Sorry you are having a hard time. Try to stay positive. I hope it all works out for you!

Dora said...

Now she's got me really mad!

Billy, I'm going to write out 2 comments. One to Michal (in case you want to erase it) and a separate one to you.

Michal, HOW DARE YOU! I hope you don't speak to your children in such a belittling and shaming tone. I suspect you do. How dare you tell Billy she isn't ready to be a mother because her parenting style will be different than yours and her home is not spotless. There is much more I could say, but you are not worth the effort.

Dora said...

Billy, would it make you feel better if I emailed you some photos of my messy apartment? I once heard JK Rowling being asked how she managed to write the first Harry Potter book while a struggling, single mom with an infant. She said that the dishes didn't always get done. She said you can't do everything, and the housework took a back seat. Her child was bathed and fed and cared for. So what if the sink was full of dirty dishes.

Please try to remember that TTC on your own is VERY, VERY STRESSFUL! And hormone injections greatly magnify everything you're feeling.

I have no doubt that even though you're shy about calling to find homes for the cats, if your child needed something, you would do WHATEVER is necessary. It takes so much courage to decide to become an SMC and take concrete steps towards that goal.

You are right to be concerned about time. So many people are misinformed about how rapidly fertility declines after 35. Past 40 it plummets almost at the speed of light. One reason SMCs wind up having trouble conceiving is the often keep waiting for the time to be "right," or maybe the next guy will be "the one." Meanwhile, each month the eggs age and the ovarian reserve declines. I'll be blunt here, but I'd rather see you pregnant from this IUI or your first IVF in the next few months, and a little crazed because you don't feel completely ready, than see you put it off and have a failed IVF because you're not responding as well. Honestly, there really is no way to be completely prepared for motherhood. When you have your baby you will get plenty of advice from every direction, but you'll still have to figure out what works best for you and your child.

Also, regarding antidepressants, there are definitely some that are okay to take while TTC and while pregnant.

Dora said...

Oh, yeah, and easy for her to say "wait" when she already has her children.

princessoftides said...

Oh, Billy, there are soooo many directions I could go here. But let's focus on this:

"The bottom line of this person is that currently I am unfit to parent (and please don't tell me that I am. You only know the things I choose to portray, my "good side". This person does know me very well and knows all my faults).... It kind of seems that for X this is the only possible solution, that she knows what is better for me more than I do."

Bull.Sh*t.

Sorry for the profanity, but man, this makes me mad. YOU are the one that knows what is best for you. Nobody else.

Yes, there are people who aren't ready to parent. Like, everybody. Some to a greater degree than others, sure. But there is never going to be a time that is ideal, a time when you have your life all together, all your issues resolved, etc., etc. That is a mirage. You only need to be ready ENOUGH - then you start where you are.

Messes. Yeah, some of them can be really bad. But there is a huge continuum between tidy and complete squalor, and my guess is that you could bring it into the acceptable range pretty quickly if you really had to. It might not be your friend's idea of shipshape, but unless you think a social worker would take your kid away because of it, who cares?

Now. Time. As a 42-year-old who probably waited too freaking long because I wanted to be "emotionally ready," I'm here to tell you, if you think you have no time, you're probably right. That said, TTC and medication aren't completely incompatible, and if you really feel that medication might help you, then the thing to do is not to postpone - it's to work with your psychiatrist to find meds that are OK to take while pregnant. I don't know about anti-anxiety meds, but there are plenty of antidepressants you can take - I know because I'm on them!!

OK, I could go on and on but I've already ranted enough. Just be sure while you're being "honest" with yourself, you're giving yourself credit for all the GOOD things in your life too!

princessoftides said...

Following Dora's lead with a separate post to Michal, in case you want to delete it:

Michal, it may be hard to help yourself, but you need to figure out how. This is Billy's safe place, and stalking her here is NOT OK.

bleu said...

First off if you were to go on meds there are PLENTY you can TTC with.

BEFORE all that though, NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE BUT YOU can determine if you are ready to have a child or prepared or whatever. I do not know who this person is, do not know if they have kids or not or what their personal situation is but I do know that in my opinion no one is ever "ready" for a child.

I had tons of crap on my table when I TTC and had Bliss but my heart told me to start. It was the best thing I have ever done and plenty of people had opinions like your friend. But for me if people were not supportive then they were not friends and no longer welcome in my life.

I do not know your personal situation, maybe you need to get stuff worked out but I do know that in your heart is the answer, not listening to opinionated friends, not in a shrinks office but inside you. (and please know I am all for therapy, but that is another thing that we know in our hearts if we need or not)

I wish you peace and love and clarity.

Billy said...

Thank you all for your comments. Happy I've turned on the computer this morning as I now can go in with a full heart and want for a successful IUI.

Dora - I totally agree that what I might not do for my cats, I will definitely do for my own child.

Bleu - I'm pretty much pleased with my therapist. I know if it weren't for her, I wouldn't now be TTC. As she (the therapist..) said, these things take time.

And as for the mess - if I had a child right now, then yes a social worker would definitely take him/her away. But I have at least 9 months before any child enters my life, and I do believe that what I didn't do up till now will be done if faced to a wall.

princessoftides said...

Good luck with the IUI, Billy! And just to clarify, what I was saying about the mess was basically what you said - that even if right now a social worker would be horrified, I have no doubt that you can - and will - get it within the acceptable range when you have a baby coming!

Glad to hear you're feeling good - hope you can hold onto the support in your heart and keep believing in yourself :)

Michal said...

Dora, did you read what you wrote me? did you like the tone you used? do YOU use it on your children?

One might ask you the same question - HOW DARE YOU?! you don't really know Billy, and you don't know me AT ALL.

Without getting into this specific case, do you deny the fact that there are unfit mothers in the world? Do you really believe anyone deserves a child, despite the price the children will have to pay their whole life?


I'll leave with you a link and you tell me whether a SMC should not have awareness before starting the journey.

Dora said...

Michal, you're so funny. Not the same at all, and you know it. What you did was judgmental, humiliating, belittling and shaming. What I (and other's) did was call you on your bullshit. BTW, cool link. I think that woman is doing an incredible job dealing with her disability and motherhood. That's one hard working, loving mom. Are you saying that people with disabilities should not become parents?

Billie, did I miss something? You don't have Asperger's, do you? A woman with Asperger's is not likely to be the one feeding the neighborhood strays. ;-) If you'd like to read an SMC blogger who has so much to overcome every single day, check out this blog. You can email her through that blog to get the URL of her new private blog.

Oh, and Billy, in case you didn't know, the little garbage can image next to each comment is how you delete comments. This is your space, your call. Although, my recommendation would be to leave the offending comments up for at least a little while, so the rest of us can respond and not leave you stewing about it on your own.

Michal said...

Dora, why are you insisting on being irresponsible?.

I have no intention of being insulting, and FYI, yes, I am a friend, and yes I personally sacrifice my friendship with Billy here, feeling this has to be said.

Yes, I do believe Billy is on the spectrum. I say this after five years of acquaintance, after meeting her personally, and after talking to people who know her her whole life. If the woman in the link can be a mother of three, why can't a woman with Asperger feed the neighborhood cats? (and obsess about it in a way that would disturb a pleasant visit to the north, or render her unable to take care of the house?).

I'm totally not saying people with disabilities should not have children - I did not say stop (hey, if it weren't for me, Billy would be here, in this process, nor having this blog). I said POSTPONE. Get diagnosed, get some consultation, before you become a single Asperger mother by choice.
Don't you think the children to come deserve that? Do you really only care for a person you know over a blog, and don't care for future children who may come?

If you want to help, you'll encourage Billy to get this out of the way. The woman in the link was pleased to finally have a name for her difficulties. Don't you think Billy deserves the same?

Believe me, I'm not here to harm Billy, and I'm not here for spite. I care for Billy and I care for the future children.

And FYI, while my definition is not SMC, I am a single mother, it was my choice, and the father of my children is working on his postdoc away from the country. So my personal blog is just as good a choice for reading about the struggles of a single mother raising a 6 year old and a newborn (now 12 and 6). This was Billy's inspiration!