Sunday, 8 February 2009

The Dead Sea

I was flicking through my pupil's book and saw this text about the Dead Sea. Looked interesting so I read it. Texts that are close to home do have an appeal. It was interesting to read about green bananas in Brazil and about the little girl who attempted to be the youngest to fly across America (unfortunately she didn't survive the journey) and many others. But when it comes to home front..
The problem is that when it's close to home you also know. I don't know if green bananas are actually used in rural Brazil as a temporary means of repair in cases of an over heated car radiator that leaks. I do know Israel and the Dead Sea, and one definitely does not cover themselves with black mud and jumps into the water {that really annoyed me. I'm skipping all the stupid unrealistic parts like only after arriving here does he go to a tourist agency to see what there's to see here. Hmm.. I know that if I were to visit the States, I for sure would want to see the Niagara Falls (and the Mississippi [maybe nothing special to see, haven't done my H.W, but you know, Mark Twain..]), the point is that before one goes one does know something and has some kinds of plans. And not wanting to visit Jerusalem [gulp] O.K I'll swallow my saliva on a tourist not wanting to visit Jerusalem, but because it's a city and he wants fresh air??? etc.}.

Anyway, it got me thinking of the Dead Sea. Not so long ago we [i.e my family and I]) took these tourists (2 brothers) down there, and while others were having fun floating in the water etc, I stayed on the beach. O.K, the trip itself was to Masada, and we stopped at the Dead Sea only on the way home, and it was after a long day and it was getting too cool. But the point is they were enjoying themselves and I... And I don't want to be a boring mother, one who life just passes by her. I would want my child and I to join the fun, to put on our swimming suits [and will sadly admit to not having one] and wade in the water.
And things that were going on between me and Michal, and the cleaning of my house (not there yet, but don't think it's been as good as this in, oh I don't know, too long to remember) and all got me thinking. Kind of feels like I've been dead all this time, and now I want to live. Want to live for my child, but also for myself. I can't see myself ever being a mother, but at the same time can't imagine myself not being one one day (hard to explain how these two opposites co-exist). I was always going on about how I'll clean for baby. Well it's not that I'm cleaning for myself now, but I'm starting to realize that that's what I should be doing.

I was asked if I am to proceed to IVF. Probably, don't know for sure yet, haven't seen the doctor. Actually more correct would be to say that I haven't even made an appointment to see one. Very strange feeling. I think it's the first time since I began this journey that I sat aside on my own accord. So yes, I am taking a little break from TTC. I am burning with desire for this baby/child but I probably need to see if I can get this living thing going first..

6 comments:

meandbaby said...

I know exactly what you're saying. I feel like all I do is go to work and come home to an empty house. I keep thinking when the baby comes, I'll have a life, I'll be forced to have a routine, clean house, make dinner and be on a schedule. And that will be a good thing. But the time for some of that is now. This past week, I turned the maybebaby's room into a workout room. I didn't do much - just added a yoga mat and my Wii Fit and a TV for it. The room was empty waiting for baby like the rest of my life and that seemed wrong to me. Good for you to do the living you want to now. Even though I am not taking a break, I'm trying to do that too. Enjoy your break. I hope it gives you the clarity you are looking for.

And if you ever do decide to visit Niagara Falls, please let me know. I live a few hours from there by car and would be happy to meet up with you! :)

Miss X said...

Wow, Billy I can relate to that! I want to have my life in order before I have a child.

Dora said...

Oh, damn! I hadn't thought about having to get over my swim suit phobia for my child. Thanks, Billy! :-o

Jess said...

Great post Billy!! I feel the same way. I hope you have a nice TTC break!

princessoftides said...

Ah yes, isn't it interesting that doing something we feel is worthwhile (i.e. being a mom, or working towards being a mom) actually makes us feel more kindly towards ourselves? You sound good, Billy. Here's to a break that centers around you taking care of you!!

bleu said...

I went to Masada, hiked up before sunrise to watch it peak over the horizon from up top. Was an awesome moment. Then we stopped at the Dead Sea after and while it was interesting it was also ciky feeling, so oily feeling all that salt, so strange.

I also knwo the not imagining being or not being a mother thing, I always felt that way until Bliss and even then I still could not believe it for well over a year after having him.

You sound good hun.