For the past two or so weeks, I have been working hard on cleaning my house, and every once in a while I look with amazement - can't believe how it looks, not so long ago this area looked.... and now... And today was the climax - Michal came over (will just mention that she lives very far - almost 2 hours drive!) and helped me get my house into shape. I'm sitting here by the computer, every now and then swivelling the chair, just to look with awe at my place. Fun!
We origianlly planned to meet on election day, but have a non-working day in the middle of the week, and it just has to be a stormy day. Out of all the days, one would think we're having such a harsh winter.. Well, all the better, since today was a lovely sunny day :-).
Anyway, also sister #5 was here helping. At one point she was talking about how her child blah blah blah, and then added - if she ever has a child. That bit me because she is only 2 years younger than me (plus three weeks, to be exact..). I do hope that when (when, not if!) she does try and become a mother (in whatever way she decides to. She once told me that she won't go the donor sperm route, but will settle with whoever if/when she felt it's time..), that it will be short and easy :-).
I however am skeptical. Skeptical and pessimistic. About myself, that is. I am doing all I can to do it right, to know I earnestly tried. Not just the TTC part, but with this break. Yes, I do go on about how I'll do this or that as a mother, but deep inside I really can't see it happening. I don't mean to be blue or anything, and I do hope one day to be looking back (while smiling as I watch my little kiddo sleep like an angel..) at this time, and.... (don't know and what). Maybe hope is still there somewhere, but right now I can't see me ever being a mother.
oops, pressed the publish button but forgot to add title. Maybe I should call this post - "cleaning: house and soul"? [but homestly I am really too tired to think, so I'll leave it titleless]