Saturday, 14 February 2009

For the past two or so weeks, I have been working hard on cleaning my house, and every once in a while I look with amazement - can't believe how it looks, not so long ago this area looked.... and now... And today was the climax - Michal came over (will just mention that she lives very far - almost 2 hours drive!) and helped me get my house into shape. I'm sitting here by the computer, every now and then swivelling the chair, just to look with awe at my place. Fun!

We origianlly planned to meet on election day, but have a non-working day in the middle of the week, and it just has to be a stormy day. Out of all the days, one would think we're having such a harsh winter.. Well, all the better, since today was a lovely sunny day :-).

Anyway, also sister #5 was here helping. At one point she was talking about how her child blah blah blah, and then added - if she ever has a child. That bit me because she is only 2 years younger than me (plus three weeks, to be exact..). I do hope that when (when, not if!) she does try and become a mother (in whatever way she decides to. She once told me that she won't go the donor sperm route, but will settle with whoever if/when she felt it's time..), that it will be short and easy :-).
I however am skeptical. Skeptical and pessimistic. About myself, that is. I am doing all I can to do it right, to know I earnestly tried. Not just the TTC part, but with this break. Yes, I do go on about how I'll do this or that as a mother, but deep inside I really can't see it happening. I don't mean to be blue or anything, and I do hope one day to be looking back (while smiling as I watch my little kiddo sleep like an angel..) at this time, and.... (don't know and what). Maybe hope is still there somewhere, but right now I can't see me ever being a mother.

oops, pressed the publish button but forgot to add title. Maybe I should call this post - "cleaning: house and soul"? [but homestly I am really too tired to think, so I'll leave it titleless]

4 comments:

Pepper said...

Congrats on getting the house in shape! I always feel so good, like a weight has lifted, whenever I complete a major home project and I hope looking around your place gives you a deep, well-earned sense of satisfaction. That feeling really does last for quite a long time.

As for the "just can't see it" feeling, I hear you on that one! I've been feeling the same way lately, but if you'd have asked me a few weeks ago I'd have told you the opposite.

The truth is that I just don't know what's going to happen. Whatever happens, though, I'm determined to live life to its fullest and to make the most of whatever cards I'm dealt. Life's too short for anything less.

Keep up the good work and hang in there. The future will reveal itself soon enough. ;-)

princessoftides said...

Good for you, Billy, on your literal and metaphorical housecleaning! Both can be exhausting, but oh so worth it in the end.

I hear you about not being able to imagine being a mother. Personally I swing back and forth - sometimes I can, sometimes I totally can't. The thing that helps be during the can't times is to think about my life now, and how awed I would have been if you showed me to me at, say, age 18 or 20. Not that I'm doing anything all that amazing, just the everyday stuff of life - grocery shopping, cleaning the bathroom, going to work every day, paying my bills - it just all adds up to a "me" I couldn't picture when I was younger.

So just remember that just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it can't happen. Hang in there, and believe in yourself!!

Jess said...

Yay for fixing up your house! I hate cleaning but once it's done I always love the results.
Also Your sister sounds like mine. Right now I feel the same way you do about thinking it wont happen. I really hope we can proove ourselves wrong.

Fat Chick said...

YAY FOR A CLEAN HOUSE! I do the same thing - clean for weeks and then look around in amazement. Isn't it a great feeling!

ICLW