Friday Night

Just came back from a lovely lovely Friday night meal with my family. When my father sent us all an e-mail asking to reintroduce the Friday nights meals and Kiddish we used to have as kids, those obligatory moments were we all fought with each other and the atmosphere was unpleasant and all, I thought yeah just let the evening pass. But I am so surprised how enjoyable it was. I mean I knew it wouldn't be like back those days but still didn't expect to have such a nice time. Funny how we all stood at our regular places around the table for the Kiddish (and funny as always how the kiddish wine has to zigzag across the table because there is an order by which it is drunk [by age, but first men and then women & children. No, not a tradition I like..] and of course we don't stand 'correctly'). I also didn't expect to have such a lovely time because it ain't lovely times for me.

Sister #1, as "her name" describes her, is the eldest. Though I am not close to her, don't chit-chat with her and don't phone to say hi (I don't exactly with the others, but more so don't with her), she has always been a figure I knew I could go to if/when I needed to, kind of a mother figure (my mother, well.. not exactly). She was first to hear of my plan to try to conceive using donor sperm, she knew when I started hormones. Somehow when we meet [not often] and she asks what is happening on the TTC front, I tell her. The rest usually get the "you'll know when I'm pregnant" or the likes. So when asked, I told her about the break (hey, and now I'm telling you guys :-)). Funny since she said I looked glamorous and even wondered if I was pregnant, especially funny considering how/what I was a day or two before. I told her that I'm to see a psychiatrist on Sunday, and probably start some kind of medication. She was very supportive and said I should first sort myself out. I understand that, I can even overcome my rejection to being medicated (hey, I don't even take Akamol*). I mean I doubt if it will be easy to admit to taking some kind of psychiatric pill, not something I think I would share with the world. But it's the break that comes with it that is the most difficult. I realize people around me [those from my "communa" and also sister #1] see it as a necessary break, as only postponing motherhood until when I am better. But I feel like it's not a matter of postponing, like if I don't do it now I will never become a mother. I just feel like I am mourning motherhood. Like O.K I'll go there do it, because I am really falling apart, but like I can't do it and become a mother at the end. Maybe I feel I'm too messed up and all the time in the world will never sort me out, maybe I'm doubting the wonders all claim psychiatric pills have.

*probably an Israeli brand name. The basic pill one takes when one has a headache etc.