Friday, 20 February 2009

Friday Night

Just came back from a lovely lovely Friday night meal with my family. When my father sent us all an e-mail asking to reintroduce the Friday nights meals and Kiddish we used to have as kids, those obligatory moments were we all fought with each other and the atmosphere was unpleasant and all, I thought yeah just let the evening pass. But I am so surprised how enjoyable it was. I mean I knew it wouldn't be like back those days but still didn't expect to have such a nice time. Funny how we all stood at our regular places around the table for the Kiddish (and funny as always how the kiddish wine has to zigzag across the table because there is an order by which it is drunk [by age, but first men and then women & children. No, not a tradition I like..] and of course we don't stand 'correctly'). I also didn't expect to have such a lovely time because it ain't lovely times for me.

Sister #1, as "her name" describes her, is the eldest. Though I am not close to her, don't chit-chat with her and don't phone to say hi (I don't exactly with the others, but more so don't with her), she has always been a figure I knew I could go to if/when I needed to, kind of a mother figure (my mother, well.. not exactly). She was first to hear of my plan to try to conceive using donor sperm, she knew when I started hormones. Somehow when we meet [not often] and she asks what is happening on the TTC front, I tell her. The rest usually get the "you'll know when I'm pregnant" or the likes. So when asked, I told her about the break (hey, and now I'm telling you guys :-)). Funny since she said I looked glamorous and even wondered if I was pregnant, especially funny considering how/what I was a day or two before. I told her that I'm to see a psychiatrist on Sunday, and probably start some kind of medication. She was very supportive and said I should first sort myself out. I understand that, I can even overcome my rejection to being medicated (hey, I don't even take Akamol*). I mean I doubt if it will be easy to admit to taking some kind of psychiatric pill, not something I think I would share with the world. But it's the break that comes with it that is the most difficult. I realize people around me [those from my "communa" and also sister #1] see it as a necessary break, as only postponing motherhood until when I am better. But I feel like it's not a matter of postponing, like if I don't do it now I will never become a mother. I just feel like I am mourning motherhood. Like O.K I'll go there do it, because I am really falling apart, but like I can't do it and become a mother at the end. Maybe I feel I'm too messed up and all the time in the world will never sort me out, maybe I'm doubting the wonders all claim psychiatric pills have.

*probably an Israeli brand name. The basic pill one takes when one has a headache etc.

16 comments:

meandbaby said...

I'm glad you had a nice Friday night family gathering. Sounds like Sister #1 is very supportive!

Not sure what to say about the meds. I have never taken any like that but I hear they do wonders. I also hear just visiting with the psychiatrist and talking is beneficial. Either way I hope things go well for you!

Pepper said...

Honestly, this is exactly the decision a mother would make. You're still on your way.

Hang in there.

princessoftides said...

Pepper's right. You're taking care of yourself, which is the most important part of being able to take care of others. Shabbat shalom!

birdsandsquirrels said...

I'm glad you had a nice family dinner. There is no shame in taking antidepressants. They can be a life saver. TTC is so stressful, and sometimes some people (including me) need something to help regulate those out of whack brain chemicals. Good luck!
ICLW

Dora said...

Glad you had a nice evening. Nothing wrong with meds if you need them, and there are absolutely medications you can take while trying to conceive. Please be sure to talk to the psychiatrist about that.

battynurse said...

Glad you had a nice evening with your family. I know what you mean about feeling like you need to be trying now. I've been struggling with it quite a bit too. That said, taking care of oneself in order to be better able to take care of a child is a really good thing. Not easy to do maybe but good.

Michelle said...

I am glad you had a nice time with the family. I take zoloft which is something that is ok to take at least that is what I have been told. It has made a world of difference to me and I do not think there is any shame in taking them.

Jo said...

There is a lot of unnecessary stigma associated with psychiatric meds. They help a lot of people. Glad to hear your family dinner went well.

Beautiful Mess said...

I believe you must take care of YOU before you can move on. You'll get there, this is just a little trail on the way. I'm happy your dinner went well and your sister was supportive of you. Have a GREAT day!
*ICLW*

Kristin said...

I am so glad to hear you had a good family gathering.

Take care of yourself and, hopefully, when you get back to TTC, it will go smoothly.

~ICLW

Seriously? - Erin said...

You need to take care of you first! You have to be healthy. I have seen a psychologist for many years and I think the world would be a better place if everyone did.

Jess said...

Your Friday night with your family sounds like it went great!!
and I agree with pepper! Hang in there.

Naomi said...

everyone i know is on something, or should be lol I don't think there's any stigma in my neck of the woods. But I wholeheartedly agree w/ the rest of the crowd here...if you're on a plane they always tell you in case of an emergency, to put your air mask on first before helping others...and it's true. You to be healthy and strong in order to take care of a little one. btw glad to hear the dinner went so well :)

KandiB said...

There's a lot more people than you would think that take something to help them - don't be ashamed! It's a chemical imbalance that has to be treated...just like anything else we take medicine.

It will all work out. Take care. ICLW

Tiffanie said...

that's great that you had such a nice get together and that your sister is so supportive. that can make a world of difference.

ICLW

K said...

Dinner with family is so special! How wonderful it must feel.