Spring

I'm officially declaring spring is here!
(yes, I know the equinox, which is the first day of spring, was 5 days ago)
Which is the season I love the best!
And why today, you ask? Well this morning I woke up to a little humming bird flying here, inside my house! This also happened several times last year, but the strange thing is that unlike last year when the front door and/or windows were wide open when it happened, right now I am still on winter mode with my windows completely closed and the door only slightly open so cats can go and do their business outside (yes I sleep with an open front door). Strange still that the cats didn't try and chase it. Last year, with fewer cats, I think they did try and do so.
And if I'm on strangeness, then I'll add that I've also discovered some kind of (dead) giant cricket, or whatever this animal is called. I doubt if the humming bird brought the cricket since not only do they not eat things like that (as far as I know, anyway), but it is about half the size of the bird! Was the bird following the chirps of the cricket (if the cats caught and brought it here alive), or are these two incidents coincidental? And why do the humming birds keep coming back here? [don't get me wrong - I love birds, and love the fact that these humming birds find my place attractive, it's just the cat-bird issue that frightens me].

And spring.. Last night I wrote a post (which I've deleted), something to do with tarot cards. I just wanted to note that spring was very strong there too, in those cards :-).
There is also the clocks moving back (not sure when exactly, I think sometime over this weekend), which though I hate the actual move (one hour less to sleep. urg!) I just love love love summer time daylight saving time. I love it when the days are long enough and it doesn't start getting dark so early. I love summer nights :-).

Honest Scrap

I was given this Honest Scrap award by princessoftides. It is always nice to be awarded, and an award that says on it "honesty", well double the joy :-)
I am supposed to come up with ten honest things about myself. Not sure I have ten things I haven't told about myself and am willing to share, but here goes:

-> When we were little, sister #5 and I wanted to make a cheese cake. Cook book said white cheese, well cottage cheese should do just fine, since there was no white cheese in the house but there was cottage. No Petit Beurre biscuits? No problem! crackers should do just fine. Not sure what we swapped the lemon for, but you get the picture. And no! you don't want to taste that cake!
-> Another childhood story comes from the time I was playing around in the kitchen, mixing this and that, sure I'd come up with something new the world has yet to see. My mother coming in to the room, asked: "So, you've been making pancakes?" hmmmmm... no, didn't realize that that's how one makes pancakes. And yes, I was very much disappointed that some other genius snatched "my recipe" before me!
-> Going back some more, to a time when I'm a little baby sitting on the floor (this entry might be TMI). Well, I was a little baby sitting on the floor, when a roach passed by me. So what does a little baby who is at that age when everything goes into the mouth do? Of course grabs it and off to the mouth! Unfortunately my mother saw it and came quick to take it out of my mouth, so I can't really continue to say how I actually ate a roach once, but still..
->I more or less keep kashrut. I mean it used to be more, now it tends to be less.. I have never eaten sea fruit and the likes, but it really doesn't appeal to me. Yes, I can understand how that stuff must be very tasty, but no doesn't interest me to try (yes, that's still a "more"..).
-> What I did try once was bacon . Well actually could say twice - first was when we were learning at this school in England and friends told us (sister #5 and me) that our crisps tasted like bacon. Sis immediately threw her bag of crisps away while I continued to eat nonchalantly - tasted like is not the actual thing. Now guess who today eats bacon and sea fruit and the likes and who doesn't :-D. The second was when I was in Greece with friends and for food we would go to the little grocery and buy dried biscuits and some pastrami. I did hold off the meat at first, but it was very difficult since there was really nothing else to eat. Don't think it made such an impression on me as to want to eat it again. Again, I know and understand how most people in the world view it as tasty. I am not a meat fan, and it really doesn't do it to me. *
-> continuing with the kosher theme, I used to be strict on Pessach not to eat hametz. But that is too difficult a feature to do, being a lazy vegetarian who doesn't like to cook too much and who doesn't want to just eat mazot for a whole week. So, Pessach's approaching and I should stock up on pastas, veggie schnitzel, et al (hmmm... one can't buy those here at Pessach time).
-> I might be a semi vegetarian (I do eat meat about twice a year, and tuna a bit more than that) but my cats (my?? hmmmm let me rephrase that - the cats whom I don't really want and who live here because I am not able to do anything about) aren't. Lately (and I will admit to trying to feed them less in the hopes that they find some other place to live) I've found here, and more than once, chicken bones.
-> I hate sushi!
->I also hate chewing gums. And discovering that was a huge relief!
-> Oh, and chewing gum.. those years when I did try and like it, I was never able to blow a balloon. I also whistle with a crooked mouth and have no idea how one whistles with fingers in mouth (but do know how to hold my hands together and make an owl like whistle..). I think this is the tenth.. and yes, all were about food :-).

Now I'm supposed to give this award to seven more bloggers. Since I think almost, if not all, bloggers around me already got this award, I won't. If you are reading this and haven't been awarded yet (and want to be), consider yourself tagged!


P.S
Notice the time I am up on a Saturday?? childless and after only three hours sleep and up at six o'clock??? That damn med.. think I'll try and go back to bed now..


* please do take into account that in order to eat shrimps and bacon and crabs etc here, one has to go out of the way. Especially in the small town in which I live.

I am so happy and excited about my new family member, and yet..
Almost a week has gone by, and I don't really know any details (hardly managed to sneak in a phone to congratulate) or seen the baby (well except some e-mail photos). And though I do want to go and see and ask and talk, I am also somewhat content as things are. I mean, I was really excited on hearing the news, and then saw the picture of him, on her, after birth, and an e-mail in which she nick-named him, so real and so reminding of what I don't (will ever?) have. Yes, the giant green-eyed monster.
I think it's not easy with all these births (mainly sister #3 who gave birth about 1/2 a year ago, but also all these relatives and friends.. Oh, and though she hasn't yet given birth, can add my shrink who informed me in our session today that she is starting to feel constructions, so it may be earlier [she is supposed to give birth in about a month's time!]. But I think somehow sis #6 pregnancies and births fall harder on me.
Her first pregnancy.. my little sister pregnant.. One thing when my older siblings became parents, another when it's my younger sister. It was not easy, but in the end it is also what drove me to seek motherhood even if on my own, and not just sit on a wall saying how I will never be a mother.
And now her second pregnancy. I think I already knew I was not pregnant when news of her pregnancy spread out, but it was an insemination I was so sure worked, and if not this one, then for sure the next. Meaning for sure we would deliver round about the same time!
And I think her giving birth while I'm on this break, no idea when I'll return (yes, as soon as possible, but really don't know when. hopefully when I finish trying out pill B), having the belief in me ever being a mother fade, does not do any good.
Anyway, though she sent an e-mail saying she feels better and if we want to come and see baby this afternoon, I really can't, so I believe (and hope, yes with all the above I also want to see him and am excited for her) I will probably see him in the weekend.

some abbreviations

So yes, I ended up inviting my sisters to my blog (and wow! their ever so warm words.. Should have done so eons ago!!)

Just writing here a technical post for some of the terms. Funny how not so long ago I myself was struggling with all the abbreviations and jargon. What the hell were IMO* and RE** and 10DP2DT***.
AF and BFN were the first I managed to figure out, and was kind of happy when the next time I encountered them I could say - oh she's talking about her period or about not being pregnant (though it did take me much longer to learn what they stood for..). ISO**** was a funny one. I didn't even bother trying to figure that one out, since I was sure that "ISO the golden egg" was a name of some kind of a Greek legend (no, apparently not good on Greek mythology..).

So, on to the list of terms:
* BFN = Big Fat Negative (a negative pregnancy test result)
* BFP = Big Fat Positive (oh, and if I'm at it, can anyone explain to me why they are fat and big??)
* TWW = Two Week Wait, the waiting time until one can get a result on a pregnancy test.
* HPT = Home Pregnancy Test.
* IRL = In Real Life (as in you dear sisters!)
* IUI = Intrauterine Insemination (well, insemination in short)
* AF = Aunt Flow, probably a polite and nice way to say period..
* TMI - Too Much Information, i.e talking about bodily fluids and the likes (which might have just been an example for TMI!)
* CD = Cycle Day, what day of the cycle
[a list for my sisters, so tried to include the abbreviations I use. Hope I haven't missed anything..]



P.S
I have just become an auntie!!! Exciting :-)

Wow, this has become such an exciting day!! First the responds of my sisters, and now my little nephew being born. Just one big WOW.

* IMO = In My Opinion. My newest acquaintance :-)
**RE = don't remember the abbreviation, but the fertility DR.
*** 12DP2DT (and the likes) an IVF term, counting days after transfer.
**** ISO = In Search Of.

Thinking Out Loud

I had a blog (on an Israeli portal, almost dead now) in which I wrote about my teaching career (at schools - more dead than the blog..) and well, about life too. I think I was open and frank and honest there about myself, but I also had people who knew me in real life who read it, so at some point I also felt that I can't write whatever I want. People who know read.
When I started this blog, I decided that that won't happen again, therefore I was adamant about not telling any IRL person. Keep my freedom to write whatever is on my mind.
Except I did tell one person. Yes, that would be Michal. Michal is basically someone I got to know from the virtual world, but she is much more than that. It is an acquaintance that is stronger than just plain friendship. Telling Michal about this blog, well she was on one hand very much involved in my life, on the other I think also more virtual than real life, so it seemed like the right thing to do.
I now feel this has become somewhat dangerous for me [had a thought - maybe instead of "dangerous" I should write "not good for me", as I am well aware that Michal too will be reading this post. But no, dangerous would describe how I feel, and more importantly, this is my blog and I should feel free to write what is true for me. So please, no offence Michal]. Dangerous that only one person knows all what's going on with me, only one person in my life is holding the cards of knowledge about me (yes, cards that I gave). This one person might be caring and wanting to help and being there for me as I believe she is, but also one person who has her own life and beliefs and understandings. One person in whom I trust (and Michal - nothing I am writing here is against you, I do think positively about you, rather it is in favour of me).

I do see now the importance of sharing this blog with IRL people.
There is this friend (someone who is actually sister #5's friend, but who is considered an extra sister, almost part of our family). I did consider, not so long ago, giving her the address of this blog (she does know about it). At the time I decided not to, because though I trust her and know she is good for her word and won't mention anything I write here without my permission, I also thought it wouldn't really be fair for her. Meeting with sister #5 (or any of the lot) and having to make sure she doesn't say the wrong thing.. But I do need an extra IRL reading here. On the down side I can't really count on her reading. Glancing here and there - yes (especially at the beginning), but not really reading (I write long and boring [and I do thank-you guys for staying with me :-)] and with a little baby and a job and studying, she hardly has the time).
So thought went on to sisterhood. What if my sisters know about my blog? Is what I write such a terrible secret? Do I have something to hide from them? True, I might feel sometimes like I'm limiting myself as to what I can write, especially regarding family issues. Looking at my last post, maybe there are things I wouldn't like them to read (Boy, is this tricky. Assuming I do give them the keys to this blog, I can bet they are there right now, searching. So I won't direct them to that post I wrote on the 13th of January סתתתתתתתתתתם*)
Sisters - namely 1, 5, 6 (2 is my brother; 3 doesn't; 4 is me), though I doubt if sister #6 will even have the time to glance, if I do decide on telling, I think I would like to let her know too.

So in short:
> disadvantage - perhaps I won't feel free to write about whatever I want.
> advantage - building a support group, strengthening myself.



*That's for them if they'll be reading. Don't even know if i had a post on the 13.1. Oh and according to morfix, סתם (stam) means: "(colloquial) purposelessly ; (colloquial) simply, just", but I think it's more - just kidding [just so you don't feel left out..].

on births

My cousin (second cousin to be exact..) gave birth the other day. Funny thing - she shares the same first name as my sister (#6) who herself is due any day now, so when I told my mother: "You know S just gave birth...." quickly realizing I had to specify it's the other S, not S my sister. In that millisecond my mum... Well I'm sure my mum won't hear from me about my sister's birth (and she wasn't really supposed to hear from me about cousin but that's no biggie..).

Anyway I am putting off phoning to congratulate. I'm not talking about my cousin herself. I understand she had a difficult birth, and I would like to give her some time to recover, instead of bombing her with phone calls when she should be resting and getting used to the new situation. My cousin.. it wasn't an easy journey. She too went the donor sperm route (she's a lesbian) and had treatments for some time (IUIs & IVF) until she just couldn't do it anymore. She took a long break, came back, had an IVF cycle and voila.. [wanted to use here the phrase walla which not only is a Hebrew (yes, actually Arab) expression I'm not sure how to translate, but apparently has a complete different meaning in English, so I'll leave it with three dots]


I'm actually avoiding calling the mother. Yes, I'm happy for her and all, but really really don't want all the questioning - what's happening with you, etc. You see, when I first told sister #1 about wanting to have a child alone, her initial reaction was against it. She then talked about it with this aunt (R. She is sister #1's motherly figure..) who told her off :-) said she should support me etc. I myself don't talk much to this aunt (I am so not a communicative person), and last time, she was very supportive but also some what nagging and nosey. O.K, I think it's high time after I send this post to do the call!

I also discovered this weekend that sister #1 is going to be assisting sister #6 with her birth. Sister #6 is going to have a home birth (a real home birth that is, last time though it was called a home birth and wasn't done in a hospital, it was also not done at her own home), and besides the midwife and her dear husband, apparently also sister #1 will be there.
And I don't know how I feel about it. A mixture of feelings. First I am/was secretly counting on sister #1 being with me at my birth. Secretly since I think it is way to early to say anything out loud, besides, I feel it's a chutzpa to ask such a thing. So on one hand it's good to know that yes, I can ask her such a thing and more so besides the experience she already has with giving birth to her own children, she will, after aiding my sister, also have that additional experience of helping from the side. But on the other hand.. it feels so unfair! Again someone beat me to it (I'll add that a newly mother on my SMC board had the nerve to give her son my son's name! Yes, the name I intended for my own son*, which is not such a common name. And every time she writes about him and posts his pictures and writes his name [unfortunately unlike most who don't publish such details, she does], well that unfairness feeling comes again).
And then there's also the number of people who'll assist in the birth. The midwife, sister's husband and sister #1. I mean the first birth, besides the midwife there was just the husband. This is a second birth, so she probably knows better. And I'm thinking, oh dear, I can't count just on sister #1. I definitely don't want my mother. Sister #6 would be a great choice, but with 2 little ones that probably is not even a possibility. I don't want a doula. I know I have plenty plenty plenty time to think about it, but it just somehow scared me.

P.S
If I'm already posting, I have to add this funny story from last night. Well I have this 4 yrs old nephew and 1.7 old niece (yes, I do have more, but these two meet more often and it's about them, well actually her). The little girl (sister #6's daughter, yes the one who is due..) speaks (well more spoken to then speaks) English at home (it is a bit funny since her parents between themselves speak Hebrew [might I add that her husband is a South-African! and we do come from an English speaking background]). Well the little girl "speaks" mainly English, but when she comes up with something in Hebrew, we know it's from the day-care. So as she was riding the boy's toy, we told him he could play with her baby pram. A little pram that goes with her everywhere. Apparently a wrong call, since she burst into such a big cry, and then said: "lo marsha!" [(I) don't allow!]. That was soooo funny. The things they pick up at day care..

* to be clear, I'm not hoping for a boy (actually I would somewhat prefer a girl. A point I would rather wait to discuss if and when the time comes), it's just that she took my boy's name.

open <~> closed

A short discussion on a T.V program about open/closed donors. Well not exactly about open closed, more about the Rabanut wanting to have a name list of babies conceived through donor sperm, and who the donor was. Opposing the Rabbi on the show was a lawyer that said it's enough to have a genetic such list, no need for names, in order to cover the Halachic** and medical problems. I would so not want my child to be on any list held by the Rabanut. More so from donors' perspective - they were guaranteed anonymity when donating (only closed donations here), so that would be cheating them.
The problem is that the donor situation here is bad, very bad (waiting to start working with a sperm bank could take up to 6 months) and the fear among SMCs' here is that any such discussion will deter potential donors [They also fear having open donations here, again in fear of deterring potential donors. Personally I would love it if there were 2 paths - open and closed, but that's not going to happen, not any time soon anyway].

But one point the Rabbi made was about the right for the child to know his father. Don't exactly understand why there's a difference, but an adoptive child can, at the age of 18, open his file and learn about his biological parents, while a child conceived through donor sperm can't (here!).
I would have loved donor to have some kind of identity (theoretically I could have ordered an open I.D donor from abroad, but I really can't afford it, so that's kind of out of the question). My wanting to know about the donor is so I can give that knowledge to my child. I am not thinking of child going up to the sperm donor after 18 years and saying 'hello dad' and them living happily ever after. No, my child is mine and mine alone, but I would like to be able to tell child who was the person who helped create her* to fill child in with as much detail as I can. You see, I love asking my parents about their heritage, and to deny this (well 50% of this) from my child.. But I am learning to live with it.

And now there was a message on our forum of these bereaved parents who are seeking someone to mother their deceased son's child. He was 24 when he passed and has left sperm and a desire to have kids after his death. It is not the first time that such a request appears, but up till now they all seemed somewhat creepy (more parents wishing to hang on to their child then their child genuinely wanting to become parents even if they don't survive). And somehow here.. I think it makes a difference that they say it was their son's will, or maybe I'm at a different place now from when I read about those previous requests, but I am seriously contemplating contacting them.
The advantage - my child will know who her father was, all the knowledge I am seeking about him will be there. Plus they say they don't want anything except fulfilling their son's will and the joy of helping someone become a mother. So I guess they won't be pushy and too much involved etc, but on the other hand (depends how things develop between us) they might be somewhat involved, and could be nice for child to have another set of grandparents.
The disadvantage - from the point of the child, is this wise? How might she feel with such a background history, having a father who has died before she was conceived? What implications could there be? Will it confuse her too much? Will it be more painful then just having an anonymous guy who helped create her? Maybe it's only me who wants to be able to fill child with information about donor while she might be happy as things are?

* Yes, I think I'll use the feminine pronoun here when speaking about child, since it might be confusing when using "him" for both donor and child :-).

** namely possible problems when child wants to get married as there are no civil weddings here, only religious.

Tiredness

So tired.
Thought I'd write some kind of funny post like 5 reasons for becoming a mother, where I would say that at least when you have a little baby and you are so tired of sleepless nights and all, at least you have that bundle of joy next to you, even though at the moment she is probably screaming (God, all these expectations I have of this happiness, I hope if I ever do become a mother that I won't have PPD). More so that at least you have a good excuse. "I'm tired because I haven't slept much since my three week old....." sounds much better than I'm tired since the pills I'm taking have that bonus side effect [but can't think of anymore "reasons" to make such a list for that post, so I abandoned the idea..].
And yes, those pills are making me ever so tired. Not that I wasn't one of those who loved sleeping before (people might say that sleeping is a waste of time, that a 1/3 of our life is wasted on sleep. I couldn't disagree more!), but it is definitely worse now.

I've just had some kind of drink [containing apple and date's honey and nuts etc..] and was asked what kind of addition I would want with it. It's a health bar and the additions (strengthenings as they call them) are energy, dietetic, sportive etc. So of course I went for the energy. Can't hurt a girl who totally lacks energy to get some in her drink, can it? Well looking at what it contains I saw B12 and folic acid (don't remember the rest). Folic Acid. I've stopped taking that when I realized I have to stop TTC for now. I know I should continue taking it, I know it doesn't do any harm, that the longer I take it the better, but I really can't take it when I'm not even trying, when I find it hard to believe I ever will be pregnant. But seeing the folic acid as an energy provider.. so maybe that's just one more reason for my complete lack on energy and tiredness (though I have been taking it since August, so I should have enough in me...)

And I am not saying that before I was a canon load of energy. I was always less energetic than the average person. The psychiatrist asked me to do some blood tests (to see if it's anything physical), and as far as I can tell (he hasn't seen them yet), all the results are within the norm. But right now I am so tired and have completely no energy. I really believe that not TTC, not doing anything towards a baby, not being able to see that ever happen, is a big energy sucker. I also know I was totally drained emotionally by people who well, I used to say cared about me, though deep down I probably have a knowledge that they do, I completely don't feel it.

I really hope that by May the latest (the month of my birthday, plus when my therapist is due..) I'll be back on the wagon again. May, that is after all the tests and bureaucracy and whatever is needed if I'm to advance to IVF [not that pessimistic me can see it happening. May is ever so close :-( ]