40 (part II)

Preparations, preparations, preparations.. I thought I'd gladly announce that I have my hospital bag ready, but no such luck, I am just taking my time too slowly. Well, today was my due date but (as I expected..) no girl yet. My mother says Friday, I say next Friday (not a hunch or anything, just because it doesn't feel like it's going to happen so soon and Friday is a day I love :-)).
I won't do a summery of my pregnancy, just two things I've learned - I can wear a wireless bra! (thought that was out of the question for me..) and I can be without a bra (and not only when sleeping). Though only in the premises of my own house. At some point in the evening I just can't take it anymore and fling it off of me. That used to be a completely no no for me...

The other day I started doing the washing. This is the first load!

I was hanging and not able to comprehend that these are for my girl. It just seems so weird to me. Can't believe that very soon there will be a new baby in the family and that this baby will be my baby. It is so surreal.

BTW, one of the onesies had a "I love my Daddy" written on it. I think I'll put it aside for someone else. I thought maybe I am a bit over-sensitive, and she could wear it just for laughs, but then I do have enough clothes and I don't think it would be right.

And now I'd like to introduce Rosy to you.

Rosy is my rosemary plant. I don't remember when exactly I planted her, maybe when I was three or four months? but at the time I decided that she was "born" more or less when I conceived (she was bought as a little plant from a nursery). She accompanied me throughout my pregnancy :-).

There is this fruit (don't know what it's called, not what I thought) I sometimes pick from a tree when I pick up my nephew. I have collected the pips and would like to plant it the day my daughter is born. Obviously that is not possible (though probably more likely than to expect a tree actually growing from planting a pip :-)), so I want to here and there plant some of those pips. Wouldn't it be nice to have this special tree born together with girl? [though if a tree does come out of it, I should know what tree it is so I'll know what to call him!]

And finally here's me, a pic from today :-):

40 (part I)

Today I've turned 40 :-). At 12:00 (noon) I have lived on this planet for 40 odd years - about half a life time :-). I do thank you girl for not showing up today (yes, the day's not yet over, but I doubt if she suddenly will be coming). I wouldn't want to share birthdays, let her have her day and I my day..

To celebrate my birthday, I went to a La Leche League meeting (just happened that the one in a nearby town holds these meetings every last Friday of the month and I just missed the previous one..). I thought I was going to hear a lecture, but it was really nice - we sat around and introduced ourselves (most were mothers) and asked questions, advice regarding breastfeeding. Good to hear from other people's experience what not, what yes, etc. And I liked that the counselors were open about using formula if necessary (I kind of expected a no way attitude. EDT I thought they'd be fanatic about breastfeeding, but they didn't seem so). It was a small group and a very friendly atmosphere. I think I'll make it a habit of going to these meetings :-).

Later on, when my family will come over to celebrate, I am planning on telling them her name. I try everyday to tell her her name, sometimes with an explanation, sometimes just singing it to her, but except for two other people with whom I consulted, nobody else knows her name. I didn't want to tell people her name too early, so that they won't try and pressure me to change it (you know, someone will always think it's not a good name..), and then I felt my house had to be much more prepared for her arrival before I could disclose her name. On the other hand, I do want to do so before she is born, when I can tell them all at the same time, and when I can also explain her name (thank you again girl for not showing up too early :-)). So, while my house is not 100% ready, it is very much ready, and I my birthday will be a good opportunity to tell :-).

And talking about celebrating, I was thinking if I want some kind of party for girl after she's born [we don't do showers here before the birth..] or not. Well, not so much if I want, because I do. I would like to since as a single mother, I didn't have my day getting married, so at least I'll have my day showing off my girl. But also because I don't want to feel like this girl is something to be ashamed of, as because she doesn't have a daddy I/she don't/doesn't deserve to celebrate her birth. But it also felt like I'd be asking too much from my parents who have already done a lot to help out. Well, talking about someone's else baby girl party, my mum asked if I'd also like to do something.. So I think around August :-).

And if I'm going back to house being prepared, then last night, I finally got round to sorting baby's clothes. Not so easy.. I started by putting them into piles I labeled - NB, 3-6 months, 6-12 months, etc. But then some clothes just said 6 months, so in what pile do I put them? Others said 6-9 months. Still others were labeled differently - size 1, 0 etc. And others had no label or a label that was faded, and I have NO IDEA.. O.k so I'll need help with the [big] question mark pile. Funny thing, I was looking at the NB pile, and they all seemed to have short sleeves. Now as much as it is summer and hot and all, I do understand that I need to dress her in two! long sleeves layers, so I couldn't understand how they are all with short sleeves. That was until I figured, those are long sleeves, I guess their arms are just short.. lol.
This weekend I plan on starting to wash them!

And talking about washing and preparing, I think my hospital bag, while things are not yet in the bag, is almost ready with the things to go in mostly ready or near ready. I think I am mentally ready (or nearing ready) to end pregnancy and start parenthood :-).

P.S
Thanks to Calliope, I finally got my three column blog that I wanted!

P.S.S
I am so sorry that I am so behind on blog reading.


EDT (between making a cake and teaching and coming and going didn't really proof read, and too many mistakes!). Well they all loved her first name :-). I was sure I'd get comments regarding this name. I did get a comment about her second name, more about how I'm going to spell it in Hebrew because of the meaning, but that is why I am spelling it like that!

Edited again to add.. well above was before talking to brother, lol! My very old fashioned narrow minded brother, the one who didn't understand why I have to go the sperm donor route and not the "normal" find a guy get married route, the one who doesn't understand my not wanting an epidural ("why suffer?" he asks. I do not see it as suffering, on the contrary!), the one who doesn't understand why I would want to use cloth diapers ("do you know how many you have to wash a day?". If I told him I'm planning EC he would have completly freaked out..), the one who had something to say about her name.. I'm smiling as I write this, I'm really not bothered by those opinions of his.

Backup?

I am planning on having sister #1 with me during birth as well as my doula. I asked the doula to arrange a backup just in case she can't come (though I would rather not have some stranger, I guess if she can't come, it's better than nothing..). As for my sister, I arranged for sister #3 to be #1's backup.
I really want #1 attending my birth. Besides doing this before with my other sister (#6), I know she would go with me and my desires. But I also know a first birth can be very long, and maybe she'll need some relief, a little break, so I asked sister #3 to step in. I was never too thrilled with her, as I am not sure how far she'll go with my wishes.

Anyway, last night, mentioning how I don't want my baby washed in the hospital, she started saying how that is not up to me, rather the hospital's policy. I tried arguing with her that I, as the mother, have the right over my child, and if I don't want her washed, she should not be washed. But sister insisted that if hospital decided that yes she should be washed, then I can't do anything about it. An approach that really annoyed me! I don't want someone to go with the hospital policy, rather I need someone to be with me and my wants. As I will probably not be in such a condition to stand for myself, I need someone who beyond knowing how I want, will also demand that I get what I want. So no, I can't have her as a backup.

So now the question is who can I ask to be a backup? (or maybe I leave #1 without a backup?). Sister #6 will be ideal as she very much has the same ideas as me regarding birth. She gave birth at home (something I'd love to do, but can't) with no drugs etc, so she also has experience with this kind of birth. But.. I do not want her in my birth, not to mention that she lives a bit far and has two little ones so not really a likelihood she would be able to even if I wanted her. Sister #5? No birthing experience and not sure how far she'd go with what and how I want (she's a bit like sister #3 in this respect - both caring an loving, but don't so much understand that the hospital doesn't necessarily have the final word. That a patient can make requests out of the ordinary). So sisters are out (#2, besides being my brother also doesn't live her in Israel, and #4 is me..).
Started thinking maybe my mother can be the one. I don't really want her in the birth itself, but maybe she is not such a bad option? And I am only talking about a backup here, hoping sister #1 will be able to be with me and be the whole time. Something to think about..


P.S
I actually doubt this hospital I chose will have any problems with this request of mine.. (or for that matter any of my requests, that's why I chose them. I still need someone I know will be there for me).

This and That

Shiatsu.
If you remember, I started going to shiatsu for the back pain I was suffering from. Never doing this before, I didn't really know what to expect. Well, that first treatment was painful, but it did do the trick - my back pain was gone! The sessions after that were with a different therapist (the same different therapist) and were always so pleasant. I kept wondering if that first treeatment hurt because of the therapist's style or because it was a first treatment, working on taking the pain away (while the others are more to maintain). Well, this week I got my answer.. My session yesterday was with the first therapist, and she hurts! I was releaved when it was over.. But again, she did take that horrible back pain away.

As for my to do list - it's been very hectic latley with getting things done. Most of the things on the list are either done or in the process of getting done. One of the things on my list was to make my shower bigger. Everybody has been trying to tell me to have a bath instead or at least half a tub. Hinting how poor my kid will be without being able to splash in a bath. Well besides not really having room (a bath might fit in, but then I would have to have the shower in the bath which I hate and there probably won't be room for a washing machine. A half tub would mean a very crowded room), I don't like the idea and I do like the idea of a bigger shower space. And you know what - who said she won't enjoy the shower (when she is too big for the baby bath)? Why is it assumed that she can't have fun? I think it can be made into a different sort of fun. I will just say that (although it is not yet finished and I haven't yet showered in it), I am pleased!
And yes, am so happy things are moving along and getting done :-).

And now there is the question of the baby bath. Do I have the regular one that stands on feet or an air filled one (which is usually put in the bath). I do have (now :-)) room in my shower for either. With the second I can wash her while sitting on a low stool, so it's not a problem of bending over, more of which is more convenient. O.K, something to investigat..

Been to the dr. today. Well the good news is that I am 30% efface and have a 1.5 cm opening! Kind of excited to think that it has started!! I know it is something that can (and I am sure will) take weeks, but hey, she and my body are getting ready.. He also wrote "head 5" which I have no idea what it means. Anybody?

He told me it was our last meeting, and that on my EDD, if I haven't given birth by then, I should go to the hospital where I am planning on delivering to join all the other misreables for excess preganancy tracking (is that how you say it in English?). Misreable. Hmmm, I am mostly very much enjoying my pregnancy (sorry Paige). I believe she will be born when the time is right and I am not looking forward to ending this (I mean I will be happy and all when she is born, doesn't mean the now is bad). Tried telling him how the E in EDD stand for Estimated (same in Hebrew) and that as for as I know, most first pregnancies take longer. I hate reading in the pregnancy forum how women act like it's the end of the world if the due date is approaching and they haven't yet given birth. And maybe I am lucky in how I can and am enjoying this time, but I'm sure it's also because of doctors like him that treat that date as an end date, as a date that mustn't be passed.

But the more annoying part came when I told him I do not want to have a weight estimate. I did have one at 29 weeks where she was average and I do not want to know more than that. Besides not wanting to fear cesearian because of weight (and I do believe that unless I have a giant in there, which I don't, a big baby is no reason for a c-section), I do not want to fear birth because I know my baby is a big one, or thinking I will fly through because she is small only to be suprised by the pains. No, I prefer not knowing. So he goes on about how wrong it is not to know, and maybe I should just asked not to be told. That is completly not a possibility as besides defying not wanting it to be an "excuse" for a c-section, does he really think I can have a test done and not look at the result, not know? He talked about my pecularities, and then tried to make me feel guilty by saying how it is best for baby for doctors to know her weight. O.K, mother protection mode in full force. I do believe in my instincts in general and in my mother instinct here. I know she is fine, and no need to have a test that I feel will do me (and her, because if I will be tense at birth, so will she suffer from a longer and more agonizing birth) harm, just to show the doctors. No, doctors aren't gods (as he probably thinks..) and mothers do know best (and I can add that this is the same doctor that when I told him about my back pain, said there's nothing to do. never thought of saying anything about alternative medicine..).

And lastly GBS. He took a GBS culture and told me to hand it in at my local lab. He then realised the labs are already closed, so told me to hand it in tomorrow. Only upon leaving did I realize that the labs will be closed Tue-Wed (due to a holiday). So, hmmm... does it keep that long? do I keep it in the fridge or what!?

P.S
Not at my computer and no speller here, so pleased mind my mistakes.

Inside My Fridge - photo friday

This week's Photo Friday theme is inside my fridge. Of course that brought me back to the first photo I posted here on this blog :-)
That's Michelle down there in the fridge, finding it a great a cool place to hang out (and one of the other cats learning from her).

Anyway, this week's theme.. was sitting in front of the fridge with the door open, trying to think how/what/why to take a picture of, when young Miss Michelle decided again it's a space worth checking (and I promise you, she hasn't done that since back then!).
And well, as inside my fridge is kind of boringI wanted to show you the top of my fridge, where Dudi likes to sleep, but everytime I would get anywhere near (with or without a camera), she would climb down..

But I did take one of my fridge from the outside with the cute magnets I have And yes, that cow is headless and feet less (she actually lost her head only a few days ago), but I can't seem able to throw her away :-).

Identity

Who am I?

I am an Israeli, a Jew, a woman (a single woman), a holder of an x political view, a veggie (though not 100%), a nature girl, a curious book loving person, a black haired brown eyed person on the shorter spectrum of adults, an adult. And the list can go on and on and on.

Are any of these because I was born to M and D (mum & dad..)?? Sure. My black hair comes from my father, as well as my curiosity, while my height probably comes from my mother.
But am I who I am because I inherited these certain genes?? Would I have been a different person if I had blue eyes? Or is my identity more than the set of genes I inherited? Does the fact that I grew up with M and D, regardless of the genes pool, have no voice in the making of me?

There was now a "docu" film about the missing identity of donor conceived kids in Israel. Let me just preface by saying that here there is only anonymous donations (and as there is no code given to mothers/donors, it is quite impossible to track down a donor or even half siblings). This film (with the original name of - The Lost Kids of the Sperm Bank) caused a lot of stir in my SMC forum. There were these really disturbing promos (which not having a T.V I haven't seen myself, only know from the discussions, but I did make it a point to see the film), like showing this young woman crying saying how everyone has the basic right of knowing who their "daddy"* is. Like she has a missing part of her identity because she knows very little about half of her genes. And it's not this young woman that was disturbing, more the showing of it as the promo to their film, showing again and again how you are not a complete person if you don't know the full story of your genes.
Truth, the film was much less worse than what it looked like it would be (and maybe it was somewhat edited as some stuff that was in the promos didn't appear in the film itself), but it was still very much one-sided. Still talked about the wrong of having these kids grow up without any knowledge of their biological father. They mentioned quite a lot the "phenomena of the black hole of anonymously sperm-donor conceived children", hmmm.. while I never heard of such a phenomena, are you implying that all kids conceived from anonymous donors are lacking a major part of their identity!? (and shall I ignore the little astronomy I know in which black holes actually sucks and absorbs everything, and is not something that is lacking??) . And I really didn't like how it ended - talking about the distress of these kids.

And yes, I agree that it can matter what you are made of, if only to fill this basic human curiosity, and not being able to provide my daughter with any such info of her other half, pinches me greatly. But I do not think it is the whole story of who we are. I don't think a person would necessarily be lacking in their identity if this information is missing from them. I do believe it is very much the parent's role to make their kids feel whole and complete however they were created. I don't think the 'no dad' issue should be pushed aside and ignored, but I also don't think it should be made into a big deal. I do not think these kids are in distress. An identity, in my eyes, is what you have, what you grow up with, not what you do not have.


* my quotation marks, because could a person who injaculated into a test tube and got some $$ from it, ever be considered that child's dad? And I have high regards to my daughter's donor (obviously he didn't do it for money but out of pure kindness of his heart!), but I still would never consider him my daughter's dad.

To Do List

House

• finishing touches (walls; clothes [mine.. sorting and putting nicely in cupboard]; change position of bed so can co-sleep [have one side against the wall instead of head-board]; sort and find place for odds and ends)
• handyman (fix sink in kitchen; cat-door [need to buy one first :-)]; enlarge shower (again - first need to buy one); move bathroom cabinet if possible [right now there's an annoying gap between it and the wall. Moving it will also give more space for the shower]
• baby stuff (currently stored at my mother's) (clothes - go through what I have and sort, see if I have enough for the early weeks [should]; cot - bring up and assemble; arrange changing area; all the rest of the stuff [mobiles; slings; diapers; sheets; etc])
• windows (put mosquito nets and new [and better..] shutters)

To Buy

• washing machine (the one I have is probably too old to be fixed..)
• physio ball (for now, birth [they should have one but I'd like to take mine just in case..) and for calming baby on after birth)
• almonds oil (a closed jar to take to hospital)
• some kind of unit to store baby's clothes
• garden swing (just so nice to sit outside on a nice day and maybe nurse her, maybe just swing and relax..)
• [shower; ball; cat door - as implied in previous entries]
• bath for baby (unless sis has one to give me)
• bean bugs
• small bowls for EC
• simple cloth diapers (to be used as wash wipes and for general purposes)
• hat for baby for hospital (or is that provided?)
• vitamin K drops (don't want an injection, so I need to buy it. do need to get prescription first..)

Hospital

• birth plan (movement; no drugs [epidural, pitocin, etc]; delay cord cutting; on me right after birth [skin to skin]; nurse; homing; no bathing no injections and no antibiotics for eyes)
• prepare bag (water; dates or something sweet for energy; sour sweets for if nauseous; diapers; comfy clothes; shower equipment; almond oil; and god my mind is blank but I'm sure there's more..)
• phone and meet with doula (should have done that a while ago! somehow I always remember to call her on Saturday and she is ultra religious..)
• show birth plan to sisters #1 & #3 who will be with me (#3 as a backup) and go over what I what and how I want.

So much to do! And yes, most [most? hmm.. how about all??] of this stuff is very last minute (and I've probably forgotten a thing or two).

Time

Last post I declared how not ready I am. And I'm not and don't feel I'll ever be. Wrote how I'd love to go back in time, so I'll have "more" time to prepare.

But I am also starting to feel enough! I think the 8.5 month point was my turning point. I really enjoyed that second trimester, knowing you are in the safe zone (past that scary first trimester) and not being too big, and most of all, feeling your little one kicking and moving... And it's not that I don't enjoy her moving, though...

O.K, truth be told she doesn't really punch me in the bladder. But walking, oh walking is such a joy. Not. Her head is probably down there (or so I hope, I mean I hope she's in a head down position. She was at 30 weeks, I assume she still is) and walking so makes me need to pee. And if I'm in a hurry and try to walk fast, I don't know if that's Braxton Hicks or not, but my belly becomes hardened and very not pleasant if not somewhat painful.
And this big belly of mine. Up till now I had a very small one, and it is probably still smallish compared to others. But it is now growing and growing and growing.. Shall I tell you how up till 8.5 months all I gained was 2 kilos [I think that's about 4 pounds] ? Yes, just two kilos (and I was not trying not to gain weight. That would be silly while pregnant). And now in the last two weeks... another two kilos! Maybe my body (well belly..) is now "catching up", but it is not nice! Not nice to be unable to lean forward to reach things over the counter, not nice to be unable to fold your too long trousers [and thank god it's summer and I wear sandals and not shoes. Don't know how I'd tie the laces..]; not nice when you have no idea where you should be aiming at at the pee stick (well the cup which the stick will be dipped into) the nurse gives you at your check up.
And my morning sickness pill. I mean I can't be sure it's the pill (the one to balance my thyroid), but I think it began when I started taking it. I was lucky not to have nausea in the first trimester, and it probably isn't that bad. But until I can eat I really don't feel well (have to take it half an hour before breakfast. and not that then I feel much better, but still).
And just feeling more and more yucky. There's this pupil I go to who lives on the sixth floor. I have my fourth floor rule - up to the third floor I can climb by foot, beyond that I may use the lift (started as I'm claustrophobic and quite scared of lifts..). Anyway the lift in her building really scares me, so I don't use it. That is until yesterday. I was all the time saying - when I reach the second trimester I'll start using the lift; when I reach the third; when my belly will pop; when it will be noticeable; etc, but always said to myself - I can do it. Even if I was walking up slowly, stopping at every floor. But yesterday, that was it, I used the lift to go up.
And I'm really starting to want her out!! I do not want her before her time, before she is ready to come out, and technically would like it to be two weeks after my due date*, but boy do I want time to fly. And I'm also starting to really want to meet her, to see her, to be her mother. Up till now I was so enjoying myself that I wanted this pregnancy to last. Now kind of want it to end (but I also don't,because who knows if I'll ever experience it again..). I think this is nature's smart way of preparing me to the next step, of making me let go of this pregnancy and moving on to the next phase :-).

And I'm really sorry for this rant. Seems so unfair when there are those of you so eager to be where I am, so wanting this. And truth, I don't know what's worse - me going on about how wonderful I feel, or ranting. I just really hope you all will be here very soon.

* name wise and because I don't want her birthday to be too near mine. My mum has hers 5 days after mine and I didn't really like that growing up..

May?? Already??

It can't be! I usually look forward for the month of May (my birthday month :-)) and I have double reason this time as my due date is at the end of the month, but oh wow.. Can we please be in March or February? I am totally not ready for this baby!

Not ready on the house front and not ready mentally. I am only a little girl myself, how can I be in charge of taking care of this tiny small baby? This fragile being that will count on me for everything?

Somebody posted a video on a pregnancy board of how babies are bathed in a hospital, as to why not.. Well this video was harsh with baby screaming while he is being bathed with running water from the tap in a sink, and I understand that it does not represent what happens in all or even most hospitals (though a. I will shamefully admit that this specific video was from an Israeli hospital; b. regardless I'd rather wait and have the first bath at home, under a much more relaxing environment, with me, the mother, giving the bath). Anyway this video sent me watching other YouTube videos of baby's first bath (both at home and at the hospital), and what can I say.. that's scary! Almost all the babies cried in those videos I've seen, and how do you do it, what is best? I saw some dab baby with a wet cloth while others put baby in a water filled bath. I think in both cases babies weren't too happy. And do I want to attempt first bath by myself, or do I ask for help and probably add some tension to the process?
Just a small simple procedure, one that I actually haven't given too much thought of before, but now oh my! I will soon have to not only think but know about all those small little things (nail clipping! yikes!).

And the house front.. totally not ready there! And I don't have time, I so don't have time. Please, can we be back in March or maybe February?