A Smile & a Tear

I'll start with the big smile I had on my face when I saw a parcel from Paige, and oh my! What a beautiful quilt! Handmade by her mother!
My daughter is so lucky to have such bloggy friends!





And now the tear. Not mine, my little girl's. Her first! and caught on camera. Well not exactly..

Noticing the tear I asked sister #5 to capture it. Seeing how she was not as close as I would have liked, I mentioned so to her, but she just said yeah, it's o.k. Hmmm... not really. These are the ones she took. While I think they are good pictures and I do like them, they are not of my girl's first tear :-(.

So I grabed my camera and tried doing it myself (I was feeding her at the time), but alas, the tear has more or less dried out. Maybe I'll be successful with tear number two..

And just because the previous day she failed holding her head up at her 6 week development check-up (but passed with flying colours smiling and following with eyes!) :

Elimination Communication

One of the things I talked about before giving birth is doing elimination communication, also known as - nappies (diapers) free. The goal here is not to toilet train at such a young age (though would add that as we're using cloth nappies, the simplest where every pee is noticed, I am quite sure that toilet training will be much earlier than most kids with disposable nappies), but mainly as a way of being tuned in to her and her needs. Also, I think it's probably much nicer to be able to not sit in your pee/poo.
While I did make a vague attempt some time ago, I didn't try too seriously as I was "battling" breastfeeding and just didn't have it in me to also have this going, and thought of picking up on it once I reslove breastfeeding. But a few days ago I realized that time passing isn't in our favour, and that I should start regardless of breastfeeding. So I began..

Stage one of this process involves me learning her signs. I am proud for picking up quite quickly that hand in mouth means I am hungry, but the sign for pee/poo? Much harder. So I have her with only an outfit on, open at the bottom without a nappy so I can see, and then I totally missed - oh my, she's peeing.. what did she do before that??
At least when she poos, even if I don't yet know the sign for it, I do know (more or less..) when she's going and can put her on the potty (or in our case a bowl which I hold her above as obviously she is too small to sit..). Today actually I managed to catch it right at the beginning and to dash to the bowl so nothing except the bowl and her tush where to be cleaned. But that really was more luck than anything..
So my learning process is continuing. Yesterday I thought I'd never figure out her signs, and today I'm feeling much more confident. I think I've picked up a sign for pee, maybe not, but if I carry on observing for sure I will.

And then there is holding her over the bowl. First time, when making a run when she was in the middle of peeing, I kind of scared her. Oops, didn't mean to girl, and not good as she stopped her pee and just wouldn't continue. So I need to do it quickly but gently. So I don't always take her to the bowl. After all, right now I am trying to learn the signs she gives when she needs to go. Later, once I've learnt those signs, I'll want to take her to the bowl once I recognize such a sign. But when I do.. at night I put a pocket nappy on her so it would be easy to undo when she needs to go (hmm... if I wake up! Night time was/is very important for me to do this EC, but I'm usually too tired, so even if I wake and see she's awake too, we just go back to sleep [when she's probably awake because she's just gone or is going..]) but as I don't have many of those, during the day I use a cloth nappy closed with a snappy (a kind of fastener) and a cover over it. Not so easy to quickly take it all off (and in a calm way too..).
And how do I hold her over the bowl... she doesn't seem to like it too much, so I tried (as we were in the middle of a feed) to calm her with a bottle. That is one hand holding a bottle, the other a leg with body against me and other leg kind of free in the air. Not too comfortable (though it did calm her). And I wanted to be also doing baby sign language! (and am happy to have a sign for poo and one for milk. I think two is enough for a start). so I have to figure out how to do it in a way that won't scare her but that will hold her efficiently over the bowl.
A lot of learning, but at least I am happy to have started with it.

The Birth Story

[warning: a very l-o-n-g post ahead]

So.. It's taken me quite some time, but here's how it went:

17:00 (Mon, 14.6) - I take those two spoons of castor oil. And oh my! I knew it would be disgusting, but didn't expect it to be that horrible.
Only after talking to my doula at about 21:00, telling her how it didn't at all affect me, did I have some diahrea (sorry if TMI). But only two stops at the toilet, nothing really too serious.

10:19 (Tuesday, 15.6) - Finally after completing a very long interview with the reception nurse, I am admitted to the hospital. We (my mother and I. And yes, it was my mother in the end who came with me, and she was [and still is!] so amazing!!) decide on having the induction. It really wasn't an easy decision, but after reading your comments and talking to sister, and as the oil didn't really work, it was decided it was the best thing to do.

14:00 - I am given half a pill to swallow, and told to come back later to be monitered and to see how to proceed. Me and mum wait outside. In hindsight I probably was having construction but wasn't really aware of them. Anyway at 17:30 when I come back to the moniter, we see that I'm having one about every 5,6 minutes. At this stage, I think there were bearable, getting more and more difficult but managable. As we understood that I'll be taking another pill, we decide to wait with it till the morning, so mother goes home for the night. I was hoping that if I can manage overcoming first contructions and falling asleep, that I'll be able to have some sleep (and mind you, it might have been quite an idle day with a lot of waiting for this and that and nothing much done, but it was a very long and tiring day!).

22:30 - mum leaves and I am left alone. The contruction now are really beginning to be difficult. Sleeping is impossible!

23:00 -(well actually a bit before..) In the middle of a painful contruction, I feel some wet in my knickers, and think - yay, that's the mucous plug, but can't see blood in the toilet. I think it's just discharge so don't do much about it. Happens again with next contruction and I realize it must be my water that's breaking! I go to the nurse to infprm and to ask what to do. Well tough lucj for me that at eleven there is a shift change! The conversation was - me: I think my water just broke; nurse: o.k, do you have a pad; me: no; nurse: so go put a pad and we'll be with you soon. URG! And might I add that I was in agony and pain! Luckly there were some pads left in "my" locker" I suppose by previous "tenant", but still.. Anyway the water kept "breaking" with these really terrible contructions. Probably being alone there didn't help, and I just couldn't anymore, so I called my mum (and asked her to call my doula). About half an hour later she arrives. In the mean time the doctor checks the opening. And oh god! Lying on the back in the mid of a construction, that was so so painful. And the water that kept breaking. An opening of four and slight mecunioum in the water. And if I didn't say it before.... these cotrucions were very very painful (and I am quite pain tolerent, could take pain without much compaining), and I was already in the dispair stage, the stage of oh my what have I done, a stage that usually appears at an opening of 8,9 and at least you do know then you are near the end. But at 4?? I just didn't know how I'll take it anymore. Anyway, as it's an opening of 4, they send me to the delivery room.

00:15 - just after I get to the delivery room my doula arrives. Pains are getting worse and worse and are now totally unberable. She tries to help me, massages me (couldn't bear that! not something I knew beforehand..). She then helps me in the shower, which was somewhat helpful, but still the pains... All this time I was saying no to epidural (to the dr, to me, etc). I was determined that I can still do it, but it was really getting worse and worse. In the shower I reallise that I can't anymore, so I say yes..

I say yes thinking that right there and then I'll get relief. HA! They start an infusion and now I wait. And wait. And wait. I am really going crazy (saying how next birth will be a c-secion. To which the doula said that at least I'm thinking of a next birth..). Seems I have to wait for the infusion, and it is dropping so so slowly, I'm thinking how I'll never get that epidural!

2:40 - Finally they decide it's time, but kick out mother and doula. I am quite upset about that, I really would like some one with me. But! Amazing woman number one! there are these volunter women in the hospital who act like doula's and one of them comes to be with me (they are allowed in..). The dr himself was nice and explained everything, but he spoke softly and with an accent I had difficulty understanding, not to mention I was with my back to him (and I don't hear too well), so I really had a hard time figuring out what he was saying, so I kept asking this woman, who was kindly holding my hands and positioning me correctly what he was doing. The funny thing was that I was whispereing, mainly because I was too weak to talk, so she whispered back.. Iwas amazed at how quick and well the epidural worked! Suddenly I was o.k. But unfortuanatly they do not have walking epidural, so it meant I was confinded to lying on back or side with the monitre (oh, did I not mention before how painful the moniter was.. that piece of material strapped to me.. couldn't bear the doula touching me or the monitor, at least now it was o.k). At some time the dr informs me that I have an opening of 8/9, maybe around four or five am, and we were trying to guess when will it happen..

But I'm not really progressing. At some point they shove a catheter into me as I can't pee and as a full bladde blocks baby from processing down the cannel tube. Even with the epidural, that is a very not pleasant senstaion (and well... the aftermath is so much worse! but will come to that later).

7:00 - Shift change brings amazing woman number two, the midwife. She comes and nicely introduces herself [I do understand it was a very intense night with a higher than usuall women delivering, and the previous midwife was o.k, but still..). She explains how to help baby come down I should go - shhhhhhh.... while having a contruction (still felt them, but so much not as painful as before!).

8:15 - Opening of 9 but head is only in position -2. Not sure if they said something now about the machonium. Not looking good! Midwife sugests I help baby down by "standing" on six [which, btw, was how I had been imagining giving birth]. Since I can't get out of bed, I turn myself around [hardly, as my right leg is almost completly numb, my left leg much better], standing on my knees and leaning against the bed's headboard which was put upright. Oh, so much better! Now I really can't feel those contructions! Annoyingly the monitor keeps on "playing tricks" and the one that checks baby's heart rate keeps zeroing out. In addition problems with the IV drip (later I am told that it was not put in properly..).

Anyway, now I wiggle around trying to help baby bring her head down into position like she should (and like what I probably would have been doing haven't I been confined to the bed.

Just before 10:00 (I think) - I am happy to hear I am fully dilated. Head is now in position 0, and I feel we're making progress, but doctors think otherwise. I have mechonium in the water and apparently head has not progressed enough. Also taken into account is that my water broke almost twelve hours ago. They now tell me I have to have a suction, and I am - no way! I am not having anymore interference. So they "threaten" me that either a suction or a c-section, and I completly lose it. I mean, come off it! I am progressing. Give me a little more time.. Oh, and now I was just with sister #1 who came shortly before, as they kicked everyone out for this checkup and allowed only one person to stay. Don't remember what exactly she said, but the midwife, amazing woman number two talks to me and soothes me, telling me how I got so far and how I shouldn't ruin evrything just because my dream birth is falling apart, and how the end result, a healthy baby, is what's important. So I say yes to the suction, and they kick everyone out (in the meantime mother and doula came in to encourage me). I was - please let one person stay with me, I really can't go through this alone, but they were quite nasty and wouldn't let anyone. Now besides being totally upset that this is how things go, I was also very much scared. I so needed someone to hold my hand (besides amazing midwife who was more busy helping the doctors and so couldn't really be with me, in came another midwife, a young nice woman, and she did hold my hand and all, but she is a stranger, and a squeeze from a family member [doula] is so much more comforting..

So now the suction is in and I am to push when I'm having a contruction. Except I have no idea when that is, so I am told when to push. And my birth plan specifically stated I am to push only when I feel the need to push. I guess I missed out on all that, on respondening to my body, on listening to my body, on pushing because I need to and not because I was told. And about half an hour later..

10:27 - Baby is born! They put her on me before they clean her up (thank god for that!) and she looks so tiny to me! That little bundel is my daughter! Tears just come pouring down my cheeks.
Funny how the drs asked for the time, and my doula shouted the time from outside.. She later said they were listening so hard to hear what's happening..

Of course against my wishes the cord was cut right away (not that at that point I felt I had any say in the matter, or even remembered what I wanted..). At least they put her on me first thing before wiping her. Then they took her and wiped her (and checked her?) and put her back on me and I tried to breastfeed her, but besides not really knowing how, it was not a calm and relaxing atmosphere, more one of procedures that had to be done. After the placenta "came out" (hmmm... by pressing on my belly. At least it got a perfect score :-)) they stiched me and stiched and stiched and stiched. I think after the contactions it was the next worse part. Oh, and all the while I was sure the suction instrument (which to my imagination was like, size and all, a toilet plunger) was still inside me, and please can you take it out! Anyway stiches.. didn't want to know how many.
At long last that ended, and now my mother went with baby to the ward and I was moved into the recovery room. First let me say a word about amazing woman number three, my mother. Turns out (as I thought) they had no problems with my requests/demands regarding procedures with the baby (at least that they didn't take away from me!), though my mother was more than ready to fight for me/my baby.. More so (much more so), she stayed with my baby the whole time and wouldn't leave her alone, even thought she is not young (and she just spent the whole night with me, only a simple chair for her to relax on) and there wasn't anywhere for her to sit and she was told by the stuff that it's o.k, she can go. Oh no! not this child's grandmother. She was with her the whole time. And in this video (which makes me cry watching it, will come back to that soon..) you can see how the cradle is being rocked. My mother was there with my baby, rocking her. Melts my heart.


In the meantime I was in the "recovery" room. Don't really know why I was shoved into this room with no button to call a nurse, when I have just given birth and all I really wanted and needed was to be with my little girl. That crying at the video I mentioned.. well her lying there quietly, pushing (or trying to) her fingers into her mouth - clearly she wanted her mother, wanted the warmth and the familiarity of the body that carried her for 9 months, wanted to be breastfed. Surly the last thing she wanted was to be surrounded by all those screaming babies [hey.. notice how she is so quiet among all the crying and screaming!]. At the same time I wanted nothing more than to be with her.


O.K so I'm in the recovery room. Doula spent some time with me until she had to go (there really was no need for her to stay just to entertain me..).Not sure if then it was sister#1 who came (seems she tried going with baby too, but they wouldn't let her in the nursery so she stood outside looking until she was kicked outside the ward [wasn't visiting hours]), or the saniter who came, saw the IV [yeah, forgot to mention how I had a tempreture in the delivery room and how for the first time in 40 years I was given antibiotics.. Poor daughter also had to have antibiotics by IV because of me] and went asking about it [to tkae me up to the ward with it?]. Only I was somehow forgotten.

Finally! (I think at around 14:00) I was taken up to the ward. Not so sure if I need to pee or not, I went to the toilet and.... I just couldn't go. The nurse turned on the tap, but still as much as I tried I couldn't pee. While it did slowly slowly become easier to pee, I really had to push hard, like for a poo (and I do try not to push for a poo, as pushing isn't really good for you). Later, at home, when I "managed" to do a poo (which first few times were a "miss" into the pad I had. Quite embrassing even if no-one knew), I never knew if I was pushing foe a poo or for a pee. Sorry if too graphic.


Anyway, that was how little girl came into the world. I am now writing this while she's sleeping on my lap after finishing nursing [written before the "milking crises"..] Seems like she's been here forever :-). And yes, the end result is what counts. But it still saddens me that this was her entry into the world. Being thrown into sudden contractions (at least I knew they were coming) and then sucked out into full light, taken away from mother and all these tests and pokings she had to endure (and still has :-( ).
If I am lucky and do get to be pregnant again, I am most certainly not going the hospital route. Personally I really feel liked I missed out on the birth experience, didn't have at all any צירי לחץ, being treated as a medical patient and not as a person bringing a new life into the world and the atomosphere in general (like when I tried and breastfeed - she was put on me a few minutes, and of course I didn't really manage as besides being new at this I was after a stressful birth, but unstead of calmly letting me, she was taken away). I would like to have an amending experience. O.K, that's way into the future, if and if and if. And maybe I'm bitter because I do believe I shouldn't have had the induction and most certainly I believe the suction was not necessary. My perfect little girl came out with an apgar of 9 & 10. The distress she was "in" was probably due to her heart monitor keeping on disconnecting (another reason why not hospital. Those monitors are so annoyingly bad).

Growing Spurts

Growing spurts.. who needs them?? At least she's now asleep after a very long and tiring morning (but guess who can't sleep..). But the constant feeding... and nice how all where I read they mention that it is (in addition of course to gaining more calories) for mother to increase her milk. Thank you but my milk will not increase if I do not have any time to express (and not that before I had loads of time with the girl who is done with 15-20 minute naps during the day), and if I am beyond tired. Oh, well, at least I expect a giant lying in the cradle, instead of my little girl, when she wakes! And guess if sleep is eluding me, then expressing it should be.

P.S
Remember I mentioned how she sleeps 6 hours at night? Jinxed that! We're now down to 4. But still, there is some sleep going on, and I am a night owl so the nights are much easier for me. It's the mornings that are the bad.

P.P.S
Should add all these fun things she is now doing! Like following with her eyes, and smiling to my voice, and mabye not yet real cooing, but kind of bubbling. :-))


EDT
I guess I need it! Though am tired as I hardly had a chance to sleep, young lady (after the hard morning) slept and slept and slept! But at least I'm tured now and not exhausted.

Job Interview

OMG I have my first job interview on Sunday. That is me intervewing... a nanny. Have no idea what to ask her and how to decide, but since I'm not offering attractive hours, I guess if she seems o.k I'll take her.. Can't write more because feeding girl.

First let me tell you about my genius girl. Didn't tell you this before, but my daughter said her first word! And she did it when she was just a week old. Not only that, my dear daughter knew what word should a child mutter as their first word. So not dada or the likes, but Ima! (=mummy). [she would have this sobbing cry where she goes eeeeeee maaaaaaaa..... her cries now are stronger so she doesn't really do that anymore..]

But really, she is a magnificant girl. Today I was really feeling bad and beyond the basic stuff, just couldn't handle taking care of her. And my little girl? This girl who doesn't sleep during the day? Slept most of the day! As if she knew :-) And while she might have also not been feeling too well, or maybe other reasons that caused her to sleep more as there is improvement there, I actually do believe that she could sense something was up with mummy today.
And what an amazing strange thing - my sister went to this meditation thing last night in which she had to choose a person in her life and take away some misery/hurt/saddness.... Well as she felt some sadness in me the other day, she decided to choose me. So she meditated how she is extracting the cause of the saddness from me, and then disposing of it. Well, the next day (i.e today) I felt so bad, vomited three times (and that third time with nothing to vomit.. not a happy exprience!). And let me tell you I am a very very healthy person. I think it must have been some twenty years since the last time I had vomited.. (and although it was suggested it's a virus, I am more than sure it's not. Maybe food poisining or a reaction to something I've taken.
Feeling now much much better!

Anyhow wanted to end with a picture of the first smile the camera caught :-)

(she does smile better than that, but to catch it on camera...)

sleep and milk

On the other side of what I wrote yesterday, as much as exhausted as I am, I do see improvement. There were days, not so long ago, when the mornings were terrible as I was sooo tired, and please girl take a nap, and then the late evenings were a nightmare as I just couldn't put her to sleep. Yes, there was a food issue which must have made things worse, and at the end of a long day I was completly cranky and nervous which obviously didn't help. Besides improvment on the food issue (i.e, she gets a bottle), I decided I would keep my calm, evan if inside I'm on fire. And amzingly that first night I tried it, it worked! More so, now that I know she won't fall asleep until about midnight, it is so much easier. Since I know, there is no point of trying and trying and trying and being frustrated it's not working. So I'll try - great if she falls asleep, kind of o.k if she doesn't.

And then there is co-sleeping. Since I came back from the hospital and until a few days ago, I've been "spending my time" at my mother's [which also means I am with no speller here, so again - sorry for all those spelling mistakes..], including sleeping the nights (we are neighbours). As much as I want to co-sleep, I can't at my mother's. A few nights ago I decided that at least the nights I should spend at my place (not so much the days as it is very hot here and I do not have an air-conditioner. but the nights, with a fan, are o.k, plus I do want to co-sleep..) So a few nights ago I started with us sleeping in the same bed but as I was/am scared to roll over her, not too close. But that doesn't really feel like co-sleeping. I mean they talk about collecting your hair in a band (if you have long hair) and how it helps regulate baby's breathing when they occasionally forget to breath or something, but I was too far for my hair to bother her or for my breathing to have any influence, etc. I think that what most bothered me, is that I doubt if she knew I was there, by her side (her head was facing away from me). I do want her to know that I'm there, that she is not alone in the world.. So last night we slept closer, much closer. It started with her having these "funny" but very scary breathings (I just moved her to bed and haven't yet went to sleep myself). So I lay by her side and breathed, just regular breaths, and I was amazed at how quickly she came back to normal. And then we spent I think most of the night in the Mummy-Tummy-Time position (as opposed to just tummy-time. If you know my name, pan intended..) in which I lay on my back, and she's on her tummy on me [I so love it!]. But then I'm scared of turning and squasing her or something. So how close/far should co-sleeping be? Too far, I think loses the benifits, too near and could it be dangerous?
Question for those who co-sleep or who intend to - how do you do it? How near/far from baby do you sleep?


And I'll end with two breastfeeding moments:
This morning in bed there was a point where we were lying facing each other (on our sides) and she sniffed at my breasts (when she's near my breasts [and not being fed] she goes sniffing like a little puppy..). What more could be than to lift my nightie and to serve her breakfast. More than anything I would have loved to do so, but I knew I shouldn't. I should not give her my empty breasts when she is hungry, it does not do either of us any good. So I went and prepared her a bottle while feeling such a pinch in my heart (and yes, after she had some food and was no more in the hungry zone I offered her my breasts).
And then later in the day, she was hungry and I was going to make her a bottle. Problem was, the boiled water hasn't cooled down enough, so as she really needed her food (please people, it was one hour since she finished her previous meal. am I being cynical!? but she was crying very loudly for her food..) I decided to try and offer my milk. As I mentioned earlier, I know I shouldn't when she is hungry, but it seemed like an emergancy, so I tried. And she just screamed and wouldn't have any of it. And all I could feel was how less of a woman I am. Now I know in my mind that not. I know there are great women out there who do not breast feed their kids either because they can't or don't want to [but truth, can't understand not wanting to in the claim that the breasts are a sex organ as one of the women in the pregnancy board kept saying..], and I know kids, whether breast fed or not, grow to be wonderful people [I have an almost two year-old niece living next door, who has never sucked from her mother's breasts, and she such an amazing child..]. I know it does not make me any less of a woman or a person, but that is how I feel, I can not provide my kid with this basic thing most any woman can. Please don't tell me otherwise, because as I said I do know and please, no breastfeeding advice (I am working on it, haven't yet given up).

P.S
She is now napping very beautifully for over an hour. Plus she refused my breasts (see above incident where water too hot, oh eventually I cooled it down [by pouring from cup to cup..] enough for her to drink her milk. she still refused my milk). Me thinking she takes her naps on my breasts so doens't need nap time (as in - in bed, letting mummy some time for herself..). urg!

S l e e e e e p !

O.K, always said that not sleeping is the one reason why not to be a mother.. I mean I so love my sleep, could sleep and sleep and sleep.
And who am I to complain - my girl does sleep the night! 6 hours! (and she does know her maths, I mean if she went down at midnight, then she'll be up at 6:00 sharp. But last night, going to sleep for the night at 22:00, made her wake up at 4:00! luckly she did go back to sleep after her feed :-)). And people ask me how was the night, and what can I say, not bad at all (though greedy as I am, I am waiting for a noght stretch of more than six hours..).
But it's the days that kill me. She takes a nap in the morning (right now.. I'll soon join her as I am sooo tired) and maybe one in the afternoon. But the rest of the day? No, she does not sleep! I mean here there are 15 minutes, there 20 but nothing more than that. Which means being with her, taking care of her needs all day long with almost no break. Come night I am so exhausted. And funny how she wakes in the morning. She is not such a crier, she just moves and moves and moves, totaly unquiet. And I try to ignore in the hopes that she'll go back to sleep.
o.k she's up again, so i'll just tell you about this big smile she had on this morning. she was lying on the bed while i was standing getting dressed when she put on this big big smile as i was looking at her. she's been smiling for quiet some time, so it's not new, but this smile was different! felt like a big heartful and genuine smile :)))

My Little Girl..

As I mentioned a while back, because my girl will only ever have just my side of a family, it was important to me to give her a name that will connect her to both of my sides. I guess it doesn't much make sense logically, but well..So her name :-)

I'm actually starting with her second name. A (I added the names as a picture, so they won't be searchable) was my grandmother's name, my mother's mother. She was the only grandparent I knew, and she really was special. She lived in England and came to visit us about once a year, and we really cherished those visits. I especially loved how she used to sing us lullabies, which is why I very much want to sing to my girl lullabies when putting her to sleep. While officially she was called above name, she was more known as A.n.n, which is how I originally wanted to call my daughter. But my niece who has a very similar first name [and A.n.n as a second], and it sounded completely wrong to me, so I went with above. And I grew to really like it!

My grandmother was born on the 14th of June, and once I've decided on the name, I so wanted little girl to be born on that date. Thought it would be so cool to be born on the birthday of the person you were named after!

(My grandma and her grandkids. I'm the baby on her lap)

Her first name, and while her second name represents my mother's side, this represents my father's side. It is not a name of a specific person (though it was my father's brother's name who died before my parents met, so he is not someone I knew), but it (together with another name) is a name that runs in the family (but mostly as a second name). These two names alternate so one is called G and his son will be named H etc. My father actually is neither as there was both a G and an H when he was born.

And I really love this name! I wanted it as a name for my child ever since my almost 15 year old nephew got it as a second name. It really answers all what I want in a name - first and foremost it's a long name, with three syllables. I just like long names. It is an Israeli name (though basically more a boy's name. One thing I was happy about was that it never came up as a name in the pregnancy forum. Actually also not as a boy's name..) but can be pronounced without difficulties in English (my father, when hearing the name, kept asking if with a 'b' or a 'v' and while I said 'v', he still sent e-mails announcing the birth of his granddaughter ..b.. ...) and I think it has a nice flow, I love the sound. Also I like the meaning (from the verb to overcome, whatever happens in life she will be able to overcome it!) and that it's an angle's name.

And the funny thing - as I said above, I was very much aiming at giving birth on the 14.6, my grandmother's birthday, but life had it that I gave birth two days later. Wait! Two days later!? That's my father's father's birthday!! (all my four grandparents were Geminis, as are my mother sister and I, but I didn't know that the 16th was my grandfather's date). Could have been much cooler if grandad was called G, but alas he is an H :-D

Look what the Mail Brought :-)

I am so lucky to have such bloggy friends, because really, look at this gorgeous blanket! What beautiful colours, and a lovely design :-)
And look at these clothes! Too cute!! Can't wait for little girl to be big enough to be able to wear them!
Thank you so much BattyNurse! (you really are so talented :-) )

Thank you all!
I am much better, and more importantly baby is/will be (and yes, there is a lactgation consultant). Don't know now if the breastfeeding thing will work out or not, but I think [after probably starving my kid by trying only breast and no formula. Seems what I thought was good (being all day on my breasts) was bad, as she was trying and trying and not getting any/much. (and not that the days before I was giving her the formula after every meal)] that I can be o.k with feeding being mainly bottle and breast more for comfort.
Funny thing, I woke to feed her at 2 am and I saw a small wet patch on my nightie at my right nipple. And from then on, I was leeking and leeking and leeking! Mainly from that side (nightie on that side very much wet..) but also a bit on the other side (and it includes before and after giving her that side). It was wow and yay :-). While I think I did have some sort of leekage before, never like this.

On a side note - she probably doesn't deserve it, but just to correct the wrong impression I may have made - those things weren't said recentally, more over a year ago [in fact the date daughter was born was the date that whatever we (me and stalker) had, ended. Ironic, as I said..]

"Dear" stalker.
Yes, you were right. I am a terrible mother, should never have gone to the trouble to become one. Couldn't birth her like I should have, can't nourish her and worst I am probably fighting a lost battle in an attempt to maybe yes. A battle that the one big looser is the girl. So yes, you were right, and that poor soul should not have been born to me.

P.S
Noticed the date she was born on? Ironic.

milk (take 3)

Been today at the child development centre, and not so good news. My baby is loosing weight, she is back to under her birth weight. Previous week, in 4 days, she gained quite a nice weight, so I was probably way to easy on giving her formula. That and of course hating giving it to her. So it wasn't after every meal, but here some and there some. Then on Friday, after finger feeding her almost a full bottle as she did not take my breast, she had a terrible evening - screaming and obviously in pain. I said enough of this formula. It is causing her pain and discomfort and not helping with the breast feeding. The next day, as if she read my mind, she was on my breast the whole day. Really, with maybe 1.5 - 2 hours max between feeds (except for one almost 4 hour nap she took..). And as much as it's exhausting, and hardly time for self, and my poor sore nipples, I was happy. Happy that breastfeeding is working and happy to say goodbye to formula. Stupid me. She was probably trying but not getting much or any. Damn. Why can't my baby gain weight? Why can't I breastfeed her properly? Why??? So I am now to breastfeed her for only 40 minutes, and then to finger feed and then to express. I hate expressing as it is painful and as, well I have a little baby to entertain and take care and I can't do it while she's crying or fussy. And expressing now showed me almost no milk going into the bottle. So frustrating.