before & after

Well first, I have a ROLLER! (o.k "half" a roller as only from tummy to back..). Three! weeks ago she accidently rolled for the first time and I was so happy [first step in gaining physical independence!], but since then - nothing. And then today, she rolled and rolled and rolled, and more importantly, she got it! no accidentaly rolling :-)).




She is three months old, i.e I am three months now in the role of a mother. Three months, only three months. Not a huge amount of time. And yet if you ask me, it seems like forever, like I am her mother now for two million and three years. And if you ask me about my life prior to having her, I honestly can't remember, it just seems so vague, to far away in the past.
Yes, becoming a mother is a h-u-g-e change in one's life, add to it not being an easy job, espcially not when done alone (and I have a lot of help from family, especially my mother, but it is not the same as parenting together with someone else). It just seems strange how such a short period has stretched out so much.

A friend who saw me the other day for the first time since G [I really need a nick for her. I think for now I'll call her Rolly Polly] came into my life, said I looked much happier, that when she saw me pregnant I seemed to her as usual but now I'm radiant. My first thought was what are you talking about!? It is hard work, hardly no minute to rest, it can't be I look happier. But you know what, yes, with all the difficulties [how frustrating can it be to get her to sleep..] I am a happier person. I wanted her ever so much and I craved for her and longed for her, but I also could not have imagined her. She is completly unlike what I thought my child would be, for good and for bad. It is weird that once I had no notion of who or what Rolly Polly is, I mean even when I was pregnant.

And just something I want to write about before I forget it.
All through pregnancy, I had this strong feeling like this little girl that's growing in me is not a new soul, but rather a very very old soul [I do believe that before birth my soul and her soul "agreed" that we'll be mother and daughter, same as any connection between two people is/was determined]. This feeling stayed with me through the first weeks of her life, slowly fading. I do believe that she came into the world as a wise old soul, with knowledge that exceeds our knowledge, but in this helpless little body. Maybe as a means of protecting the inocent little body from the cruelty of life as a new baby. As time goes by, this soul slowly retreats, letting the new body live it's life. At about six weeks I felt this soul [well not sure if soul is the right word] has gone, leaving my baby a clean slate, ready to begin her life on planet Earth as a human baby.

forgive me girl

Please forgive me girl for all the wrongs I did to you, am doing to you and will do to you.

Forgive me for being seperated from you right after birth. Forgive me for not being able to nurish you by myself and needing to supplement you with formula. Forgive me for forgetting every single night to take the bottle of my pumped milk out of the fridge in advance so that when we're finished with the bath, you'll have a nice warm bottle of my milk waiting for you (instead you have to wait while I heat it up..). Forgive me for prefering at times not to breastfeed you so that pumping will yield a nice number.. [twisted, I know].

Forgive me girl for taking you to pee when clearly you do not have to go, and forgive me for not taking you to pee when, for heaven sake! you need need need to go, oh, damn..... [but all those times we do get it right.. I marvel every time !].

Forgive me for leaving you with a nanny, and for letting her take care of you even when I'm home [and thank you guys for your comments on my last post!].

Forgive me girl for needing to distance myself from you to know how much I love you. To see the nanny, on my way home, with you, my little girl, in that pram*, and my heart just fills with joy. To come home and pick you up, and feel the softness and tenderness only a mother can have for her child, and remember all those mothers in books I read as a child, the little boy who finds comfort in his mother's shoulders , and her hair [oh, and forgive me girl if you inherited my very thick hair..], and now I am her. So forgive me girl for taking my time in being her, and as I said at the beginning of the paragraph for needing to not see you in order to see you.

And thank you for being such an amazing little girl! So active and full of life, and so so alert! And not a crier. Funny how you can be discomfort, and wiggling in my arms for over an hour, and I try this and that to calm you down, but at the end of the evening dad will note on what a great girl I have who doesn't cry at all.... And I will stop here because I probably could go on and on about you, my wonderful little girl.


* A funny story with my nephew's nanny - I was once walking home when this woman I knew (from teaching English, though she was not in my group) stopped me for a little chat. I talked to her not really paying attention to the pram or the baby inside, so it took me a few minutes to realise that's my nephew! [will just add that she was new on the job]. Oh, and suddenly when it darned to her I'm the baby's aunt, she soothed the crying infant..

Please don't tell me I'm a bad mother.

Don't have too many pupils this year, but when I hired the nanny I had to offer a certain amount of hours (couldn't say wait and see how I work and only then I'll know..). So some days I pay for a nanny while I'm actually home.
Today is such a day where I have an hour and a half just for myself. So instead of going to my place and saying hello to my girl, I went to my mum's place and made myself something to eat (I ususally hardly have time to eat), read some blogs (almost finished August! [Should also get updated on the forums..]) and (going to) pump. Oh, and rest would be nice but, but well that won't happen today.. While all these are important and great that I have (paid) time for such, kind of feels bad I don't go to say hello to my daughter. I don't want her to see me and to get confused and want to be with me etc, I also don't want nanny to start chatting with me on my free time (thus not letting me do any of the above).
O.K, the clock's ticking. Have an hour. Back to my meal..

circles

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Today 5 years ago I had to put my dog Sky to sleep. She was the most amazing wonderful dog that ever was. I do want one day to be a dog owner again, but I know that no dog will ever compare with her. But as long as I had her, I couldn't, and well didn't, pursue motherhood. Even if being a mother is something I've dreamt and wanted all my life. Somehow when I was "mothering" Sky, it never seemed possible I could be a mother to a human baby, so I never even thought seriously about trying. But then she died, and though it took me about two years to get started, I suddenly was free to believe I can :-).


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Today one year ago a tiny little sperm met a not so tiny egg. They met on this petri dish and knew they were meant for each other! Yes, one year ago my little girl was created :-). Amazing how this very small embryo grew and grew and grew into this most wonderful little girl (who is still growing and growing and growing!)

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Tomorrow night we celbrate the beginning of the new Jewish year. One of the customs is eating a round halah bread. Round as to symble the roundness of the year, how just like a circle the different seasons come and go.


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I mentioned before how my daughter was born on the exact same date as her great grandfather. Well on Friday we had a party for her. I wanted to have it in August but it didn't work out (besides, it would have been much too hot!), and playing around with the dates, last Fri was the best option. Well Friday happen to also be her greatgrandfather's (the one whoi shares her birth date) yartzhiet (=the "anniversary" of his death, and a 50 year one). I find it interesting how important dates in her life have other meaning too. Just shows how circular it all is.

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Shanah Tova to all you who are celebrating the new year !!

leaving my kid with a stranger

So today's our first day. Didn't work today so nanny can be just two hours with her (same tomorrow) so girl can slowly get used to her.

I think mummy needs more getting used to leaving girl with a complete stranger. I went to my sister's (neighbour) and came back to see the nanny sitting on the sofa and baby on a mat on the floor, and well nanny was fiddling with her phone. Now I can understand sitting on the sofa (though I can tell you that I would [and had] sit on the floor/mat, being at the same level as the kid). But the phone?
And yes, I might have just walked into a situation [like maybe she was texing her son, a 10 year old], and I shouldn't expect anyone (including myself!) to be 100 percent all the time fussing around the girl, and I do believe [hope!] I have made the right choice choosing her, and probably it is just not easy "giving" her to an unknown person, but I just felt like screaming - leave my girl alone! get the hell out of here and never come back!

Oh and not so related - I sometimes feel this randomness, how any other child could have been born to me, but random made this certain girl be the one. And it was No Yolk's update (and what a wonderful update!!) that got me thinking about all these bloggworld babies and how I could have been a mother to any one of them and how different that would have been. Then I tried thinking the reverse, that is, my child could have had any of you bloggers as a mother, and I was - no way! she is mine! lol.