Tuesday

I just had an argument with my mother. As I wrote the other day, I am having trouble Tuesday morning leaving Butterfly with Y. I didn't mention in previous post how Y told me that her husband doesn't really like me being there in the morning as it interferes with the intimacy of their morning (walking around in you jammies etc) and I do get it how an adult in your house can do that (it is not B that bothers him). But it takes time for a child to feel confident and to let her mother go. Hindsight is 20-20 but I should have come with Butterfly to Y a few times before the year begun perhaps also leaving her there for an hour or two, to get used to the idea of being under Y's charge.
Back to my mum. I asked her if she could take Butterfly over as it might the separation might be easier than my mum than from me (and I think I've mentioned but my mum is free Tue morning. and I'm not asking for the whole year, just for a few weeks until B gets used to being with Y). And I do understand it is a bit of an inconvenience. So I mention the trouble I had last Tues morning and ask her to help take B over. She answers with what will happen if she refuses. I say it will be problematic for me. She tells me not to put pressure on her (!) That I could easily send her two days to kindergarten [kindergarten here is what we have before the age of school]. So I am not allowed to put pressure on her but she can pressure me?? And no, I was not putting pressure on her. I am your daughter. I need your help. I really need your help. I asked for your help. Your help has nothing to do with whether your granddaughter goes to kindergarten or not, because by hook or by cook she won't. She then comes up to me saying I am doing this on purpose. ???. I am doing what I as a mother believe is the my daughter's best interest. It is just sad that I come to her asking for help and she won't help me thinking that she by not helping she will twist my arm into sending B to kindergarten. This reminds me of another story from when D, her eldest granddaughter was about 15 and my mother got some hair-removing cream and none of us (her daughter's)  wanted it and we all told her D would be happy to have it and my mother said no as she disapproves of hair removing and as long as D isn't an adult, she won't do anything to help D with hair removing. Except do you really think D cared? Do you think she didn't remove the hairs on her leg? Of course she did. My mother's protest had no effect. Just a silly little protest. Then it really was meaningless if she gave D the ointment or not. Now her help is just a little bit more needed. I just have to pray and hope it goes well and hope the lecturer (I have a few lessons, all with the same lecturer..) misses quite a lot of lessons (rumor has it she does).

tired

I am so tired, I just pushed aside my big pile of assignments to write this post.. Well i don't have time to breathe so I will never get to post and I do want to (though don't count on me remembering what I came here to post!)

Twice a week I take Butterfly to the homeschooling group. On Thurs it is relatively close and no problem getting there. In fact this is the one I took her to last year. The Sunday one, oh that's a different story! It is quite a schlep and coming back was awful with all the traffic as it was rush hour [though I'd rather stay longer and let her have more good time than leave earlier. Later I can't as I am also teaching and need to be back by a certain hour. Maybe bringing with me something she can eat on the bus, might help).
But socialization is starting to be important and most of the other kids meet daily or almost daily. She still mostly stays a lot with me, but she does go from time to time to play with them, and more importantly, the group of kids her age do know her and know her name! So if they know who she is, I guess it is a good sign we are getting there.

There is a third day in which I want her to be with the group, although this time without me. I am studying twice a week, but financially it is too difficult paying two days for a nanny without having any income. Someone from the homeschooling group offered to help me as a barter (I will do some translation job for her). First week was okay, though as expected she did cry when I left. First report this woman mentioned how B cried a little. Today, when mentioning that event she said how difficult it was :-(. The following week her son (a 4.5 yrs kid) was just recovering from an illness and was showing us the door - You.. Leave! and then he was okay but she wasn't. Eventually I had to take her with me. The lecturer was very nice about having B in her class, but it really hard making sure she doesn't make much noise. I have never wanted a lesson to end as bad as I wanted the other day! I then took her to my sister, who kindly agreed to help. But taking her to the lesson and or my sister is not an option. Taking her to the nanny is a very bad option. And right now she will not go to this other woman, which I understand because it takes time to get adjusted to new procedures. I am just so stressed about Tuesday!

But on a positive note, I would like to say that while we do have our difficult moments, on the whole I feel we are doing better than just  a short while ago, that if you remember I complained about how difficult it was. I also feel like she gave some kind of metal leap. Tonight I was putting her 5 yrs. cousin to sleep with a book the cousin chose which of course was above B's level. But then she asked me a question that clearly indicated she understood. I didn't think she did.
And then she has these questions. Almost every day she asks me: "mummy, is today tomorrow?" I do understand she is trying to understand the concept of time, but how do you answer such a question?? (I tell her that actually tomorrow never comes as it is always today).
A more difficult question she had the other day when looking at her hair and asking why it was that colour (not like my hair colour). I kind of gave a genetic explanation and how she has some of my genes and some from the donor, but I think I jumped a bit with this talk. I probably should have kept it much more simpler.

I would like to end with a cousin story. First a bit of background - while my three year old is very independent, this 5 year old (the same girl from before :-) ) is v-e-r-y clingy to her mother. As cousin's parents went for the week, we are helping out look after her and her brother. Oh, and among the instructions the mother gave, one was to keep an eye on them (when outdoors) as they are not used to being too far from her. Anyway the other day we went to this very big playground. I swung the two girls on a spider swing, but then B had enough and she wondered off. I am okay with that, I am not hysterical (my mother is..) plus I did actually follow her with my eyes and knew where she was. For that reason and because my sister specifically requested not to leave her when going places, I stayed with the cousin. Cousin then asks me if my daughter doesn't want to be around me. I was quite puzzled why she thinks my daughter doesn't want to be around me. Cousin continues asking if my daughter doesn't love me. Me again not understanding she continues - because she went so far away from you. Oh my! No, she did not go far away from me. She went to some far away thing. But this is obviously how the 5 yr views things. And her mother travels (work related) a lot!

Strawberry Shortcake

Earlier today I was asking Butterfly if she wanted to draw Strawberry Shortcake (currently her favourite thing to watch!). I was expecting some kind of scribble. So she started drawing while I was doing other things. She says out loud - here's the head. I look, and yes a circle. Okay, she does know how to draw circles. She then continues to pull lines from the head announcing they are the legs. My mouth opened but I was sure it was just plain coincidence. Can't be she's drawing. Well she was drawing, telling me how she's drawing hands and eyes and mouth. This is her first ever picture of a person!! I also think her first picture with an intention before and not just telling me what it is after seeing the outcome [though not sure if actually the first as earlier she was drawing hearts. I didn't see her draw, so I am not sure if she first drew something and looked at it and told me it was a heart or actually intended on drawing a heart, but for sure the first person drawing].

I was so teary eyed. Only earlier today I was thinking when will my child draw actual pictures and here she is - drawing. I had tears in my throat all day, so much that she asked me why am I talking funny.

And really lately she amazes me all the time with the things she does or says,  Small things like taking her shirts off from the head (new from yesterday. up till now she would pull her hands out and push the shirt down her body. this doesn't always work.. it is still not easy through the head and she still needs help, but she has learnt that this is the way it is done). Small but big :-). Really feels like she is in a developmental leap (maybe that's why it is also a difficult time for us?)

Oh, I should add that looking at the picture she says to me - "actually it looks like Humpty Dumpty". So humpty dumpty or strawberry shortcake, this is my daughter's first "real" picture!

P.S

The background.. Butterfly somehow has always preferred to draw on the side that has something on than on the empty side :-).