sleep and milk

On the other side of what I wrote yesterday, as much as exhausted as I am, I do see improvement. There were days, not so long ago, when the mornings were terrible as I was sooo tired, and please girl take a nap, and then the late evenings were a nightmare as I just couldn't put her to sleep. Yes, there was a food issue which must have made things worse, and at the end of a long day I was completly cranky and nervous which obviously didn't help. Besides improvment on the food issue (i.e, she gets a bottle), I decided I would keep my calm, evan if inside I'm on fire. And amzingly that first night I tried it, it worked! More so, now that I know she won't fall asleep until about midnight, it is so much easier. Since I know, there is no point of trying and trying and trying and being frustrated it's not working. So I'll try - great if she falls asleep, kind of o.k if she doesn't.

And then there is co-sleeping. Since I came back from the hospital and until a few days ago, I've been "spending my time" at my mother's [which also means I am with no speller here, so again - sorry for all those spelling mistakes..], including sleeping the nights (we are neighbours). As much as I want to co-sleep, I can't at my mother's. A few nights ago I decided that at least the nights I should spend at my place (not so much the days as it is very hot here and I do not have an air-conditioner. but the nights, with a fan, are o.k, plus I do want to co-sleep..) So a few nights ago I started with us sleeping in the same bed but as I was/am scared to roll over her, not too close. But that doesn't really feel like co-sleeping. I mean they talk about collecting your hair in a band (if you have long hair) and how it helps regulate baby's breathing when they occasionally forget to breath or something, but I was too far for my hair to bother her or for my breathing to have any influence, etc. I think that what most bothered me, is that I doubt if she knew I was there, by her side (her head was facing away from me). I do want her to know that I'm there, that she is not alone in the world.. So last night we slept closer, much closer. It started with her having these "funny" but very scary breathings (I just moved her to bed and haven't yet went to sleep myself). So I lay by her side and breathed, just regular breaths, and I was amazed at how quickly she came back to normal. And then we spent I think most of the night in the Mummy-Tummy-Time position (as opposed to just tummy-time. If you know my name, pan intended..) in which I lay on my back, and she's on her tummy on me [I so love it!]. But then I'm scared of turning and squasing her or something. So how close/far should co-sleeping be? Too far, I think loses the benifits, too near and could it be dangerous?
Question for those who co-sleep or who intend to - how do you do it? How near/far from baby do you sleep?


And I'll end with two breastfeeding moments:
This morning in bed there was a point where we were lying facing each other (on our sides) and she sniffed at my breasts (when she's near my breasts [and not being fed] she goes sniffing like a little puppy..). What more could be than to lift my nightie and to serve her breakfast. More than anything I would have loved to do so, but I knew I shouldn't. I should not give her my empty breasts when she is hungry, it does not do either of us any good. So I went and prepared her a bottle while feeling such a pinch in my heart (and yes, after she had some food and was no more in the hungry zone I offered her my breasts).
And then later in the day, she was hungry and I was going to make her a bottle. Problem was, the boiled water hasn't cooled down enough, so as she really needed her food (please people, it was one hour since she finished her previous meal. am I being cynical!? but she was crying very loudly for her food..) I decided to try and offer my milk. As I mentioned earlier, I know I shouldn't when she is hungry, but it seemed like an emergancy, so I tried. And she just screamed and wouldn't have any of it. And all I could feel was how less of a woman I am. Now I know in my mind that not. I know there are great women out there who do not breast feed their kids either because they can't or don't want to [but truth, can't understand not wanting to in the claim that the breasts are a sex organ as one of the women in the pregnancy board kept saying..], and I know kids, whether breast fed or not, grow to be wonderful people [I have an almost two year-old niece living next door, who has never sucked from her mother's breasts, and she such an amazing child..]. I know it does not make me any less of a woman or a person, but that is how I feel, I can not provide my kid with this basic thing most any woman can. Please don't tell me otherwise, because as I said I do know and please, no breastfeeding advice (I am working on it, haven't yet given up).

P.S
She is now napping very beautifully for over an hour. Plus she refused my breasts (see above incident where water too hot, oh eventually I cooled it down [by pouring from cup to cup..] enough for her to drink her milk. she still refused my milk). Me thinking she takes her naps on my breasts so doens't need nap time (as in - in bed, letting mummy some time for herself..). urg!

S l e e e e e p !

O.K, always said that not sleeping is the one reason why not to be a mother.. I mean I so love my sleep, could sleep and sleep and sleep.
And who am I to complain - my girl does sleep the night! 6 hours! (and she does know her maths, I mean if she went down at midnight, then she'll be up at 6:00 sharp. But last night, going to sleep for the night at 22:00, made her wake up at 4:00! luckly she did go back to sleep after her feed :-)). And people ask me how was the night, and what can I say, not bad at all (though greedy as I am, I am waiting for a noght stretch of more than six hours..).
But it's the days that kill me. She takes a nap in the morning (right now.. I'll soon join her as I am sooo tired) and maybe one in the afternoon. But the rest of the day? No, she does not sleep! I mean here there are 15 minutes, there 20 but nothing more than that. Which means being with her, taking care of her needs all day long with almost no break. Come night I am so exhausted. And funny how she wakes in the morning. She is not such a crier, she just moves and moves and moves, totaly unquiet. And I try to ignore in the hopes that she'll go back to sleep.
o.k she's up again, so i'll just tell you about this big smile she had on this morning. she was lying on the bed while i was standing getting dressed when she put on this big big smile as i was looking at her. she's been smiling for quiet some time, so it's not new, but this smile was different! felt like a big heartful and genuine smile :)))

My Little Girl..

As I mentioned a while back, because my girl will only ever have just my side of a family, it was important to me to give her a name that will connect her to both of my sides. I guess it doesn't much make sense logically, but well..So her name :-)

I'm actually starting with her second name. A (I added the names as a picture, so they won't be searchable) was my grandmother's name, my mother's mother. She was the only grandparent I knew, and she really was special. She lived in England and came to visit us about once a year, and we really cherished those visits. I especially loved how she used to sing us lullabies, which is why I very much want to sing to my girl lullabies when putting her to sleep. While officially she was called above name, she was more known as A.n.n, which is how I originally wanted to call my daughter. But my niece who has a very similar first name [and A.n.n as a second], and it sounded completely wrong to me, so I went with above. And I grew to really like it!

My grandmother was born on the 14th of June, and once I've decided on the name, I so wanted little girl to be born on that date. Thought it would be so cool to be born on the birthday of the person you were named after!

(My grandma and her grandkids. I'm the baby on her lap)

Her first name, and while her second name represents my mother's side, this represents my father's side. It is not a name of a specific person (though it was my father's brother's name who died before my parents met, so he is not someone I knew), but it (together with another name) is a name that runs in the family (but mostly as a second name). These two names alternate so one is called G and his son will be named H etc. My father actually is neither as there was both a G and an H when he was born.

And I really love this name! I wanted it as a name for my child ever since my almost 15 year old nephew got it as a second name. It really answers all what I want in a name - first and foremost it's a long name, with three syllables. I just like long names. It is an Israeli name (though basically more a boy's name. One thing I was happy about was that it never came up as a name in the pregnancy forum. Actually also not as a boy's name..) but can be pronounced without difficulties in English (my father, when hearing the name, kept asking if with a 'b' or a 'v' and while I said 'v', he still sent e-mails announcing the birth of his granddaughter ..b.. ...) and I think it has a nice flow, I love the sound. Also I like the meaning (from the verb to overcome, whatever happens in life she will be able to overcome it!) and that it's an angle's name.

And the funny thing - as I said above, I was very much aiming at giving birth on the 14.6, my grandmother's birthday, but life had it that I gave birth two days later. Wait! Two days later!? That's my father's father's birthday!! (all my four grandparents were Geminis, as are my mother sister and I, but I didn't know that the 16th was my grandfather's date). Could have been much cooler if grandad was called G, but alas he is an H :-D

Look what the Mail Brought :-)

I am so lucky to have such bloggy friends, because really, look at this gorgeous blanket! What beautiful colours, and a lovely design :-)
And look at these clothes! Too cute!! Can't wait for little girl to be big enough to be able to wear them!
Thank you so much BattyNurse! (you really are so talented :-) )

Thank you all!
I am much better, and more importantly baby is/will be (and yes, there is a lactgation consultant). Don't know now if the breastfeeding thing will work out or not, but I think [after probably starving my kid by trying only breast and no formula. Seems what I thought was good (being all day on my breasts) was bad, as she was trying and trying and not getting any/much. (and not that the days before I was giving her the formula after every meal)] that I can be o.k with feeding being mainly bottle and breast more for comfort.
Funny thing, I woke to feed her at 2 am and I saw a small wet patch on my nightie at my right nipple. And from then on, I was leeking and leeking and leeking! Mainly from that side (nightie on that side very much wet..) but also a bit on the other side (and it includes before and after giving her that side). It was wow and yay :-). While I think I did have some sort of leekage before, never like this.

On a side note - she probably doesn't deserve it, but just to correct the wrong impression I may have made - those things weren't said recentally, more over a year ago [in fact the date daughter was born was the date that whatever we (me and stalker) had, ended. Ironic, as I said..]

"Dear" stalker.
Yes, you were right. I am a terrible mother, should never have gone to the trouble to become one. Couldn't birth her like I should have, can't nourish her and worst I am probably fighting a lost battle in an attempt to maybe yes. A battle that the one big looser is the girl. So yes, you were right, and that poor soul should not have been born to me.

P.S
Noticed the date she was born on? Ironic.

milk (take 3)

Been today at the child development centre, and not so good news. My baby is loosing weight, she is back to under her birth weight. Previous week, in 4 days, she gained quite a nice weight, so I was probably way to easy on giving her formula. That and of course hating giving it to her. So it wasn't after every meal, but here some and there some. Then on Friday, after finger feeding her almost a full bottle as she did not take my breast, she had a terrible evening - screaming and obviously in pain. I said enough of this formula. It is causing her pain and discomfort and not helping with the breast feeding. The next day, as if she read my mind, she was on my breast the whole day. Really, with maybe 1.5 - 2 hours max between feeds (except for one almost 4 hour nap she took..). And as much as it's exhausting, and hardly time for self, and my poor sore nipples, I was happy. Happy that breastfeeding is working and happy to say goodbye to formula. Stupid me. She was probably trying but not getting much or any. Damn. Why can't my baby gain weight? Why can't I breastfeed her properly? Why??? So I am now to breastfeed her for only 40 minutes, and then to finger feed and then to express. I hate expressing as it is painful and as, well I have a little baby to entertain and take care and I can't do it while she's crying or fussy. And expressing now showed me almost no milk going into the bottle. So frustrating.