Can you give me a hug?

Asks my daughter's teddy when pressed, and here I am copying his (her? why does a teddy have to be a him?) request..

So much on my mind. I left the doctor's today and so wanted to cry, but it was the middle of my work day and I couldn't allow myself, and now, although I do want, it is kind of lost. Because he wouldn't give me a note to say breast-wise I am okay to start fertility treatment. And he is right, because over two years ago I came to him with a lump I felt. I did an u/s and a mammogram and all was clear so he told me to come for a check up a year later. Only I never came. Maybe because I was breastfeeding maybe because I was just lazy. So now I need a note for the fertility clinic but he wants me to do an u/s first (he also wanted a mammogram but as I am still breastfeeding he dropped that). And how do I do that with a little one? I can't ask my mother for help, asking the nanny is more expense that right now I really can't afford and I sure can't take her with me. And the appointment at the fertility clinic is later this week. Do I postpone it? Do I go hoping they'll be okay with it. But what if they ask me to come back again with that missing note? And my girl, what do I do with her?

And while I'm on doctors, let me tell you about the endocrinologist appointment I scheduled or at lest I thought I scheduled last time I saw her when she told me to come back a year later just to see if all's okay. Well that appointment should have been around now but apparently I didn't make that appointment and she is so fully booked she can only see me in the end of August, and my TSH is high and will it affect ttc? or worse, will they tell me I can't start until it is balanced?

And Jupiter. That would me my cat. The king. The one I found in a box one day when walking with Sky, my late dog. Together with 3 other kittens, probably two days old that someone left for their fate in a box (with a bowl of milk. how kind. note the cynicism. btw lets say he didn't know newborn kittens can't drink cow's milk, the milk was in a bowl higher than those small kittens!). Only Jupiter made it. And now I think he died. He's gone missing for too long and he came to me the other day in a dream (to say goodbye, but like lately, I didn't pay too much attention too him :-( ). And even now I'm sure he's gone, I hardly shed a tear. I want to cry but am not.

And then there is my mother. I don't really want to go into details here but it's causing me a lot of stress and grief. She doesn't see me or has ever really listened to me and while I have learned that for some time, I still try, never stop. Only this Pesach I was very hurt that while our family was split and everyone had their own Seder she took my sister's birth as an excuse not to do one with me (because my sister couldn't be for two bloody hours without my mother). No, that would be not doing a Seder with my daughter. My daughter who is almost two so probably the first meaningful Seder*. When I told sis#1 how upset I was about that, she laughed about me still expecting that from my mother, as my mother has been avoiding participating in a family Seder for years. But yes, I am almost 42 and I am still seeking my mother. a mother.

And I'm going over the past and realise, I don't think I've ever noticed this before, that she has never really had a mother-daughter talk with me. And oh, there were opportunities like when I got my period (I won't go into the whole story here because this post is already long enough, I'll just say a very big F for mother on her conduct). I asked her not to tell the men in the family as I was extremely shy. Now don't you think that's a great chance to talk with your daughter and explain that not only is there nothing to be embarrassed of, she should be very proud as she is becoming a young woman?? Well I got the okay for my request, only for her to tell (proudly :-( ) my father and brother the next moment. Or when I asked her how children are born (truly, I remember asking that!) and she sent me to my sister [to show me a kid's book on the subject]. No, that's not a good enough reason to sit with your young daughter and talk to her, and show her the book yourself. Okay, I really should stop here. It's just that I now can't count on her helping me with daughter which means either drugging her along with me or having the nanny look after her. And that just sucks. So, can you give me a hug?

* Not to worry, I found a Seder for me and daughter to participate in. Not the most fun one, but at least we had our Seder.

P.S

Not sure I have a picture of him (Jupiter). Will look later (probably tomorrow) and if I find something good enough I'll post it on a new post. He deserves at least that.

Saturday is for Art

or

Five Minutes of Art Work and Two Hours of Getting Cleaned

I try and sit with Butterfly every Saturday to do some work of art. While I found excellent ideas for all sorts of art projects, I think they are all above us right now. So we mainly sit and paint with our hands, or do some glueing. Yes, for a whole five minutes... [probably when we do more complex stuff, we will sit longer]

And yes, paper got some paint too! [I think by this time I took the work of art inside]

All that paint.. What a good excuse for opening the pool season!!

[see that little brown spot in her right eye? I love it as it's a little something from me in a daughter who doesn't look much like me.. (I have brown eyes)]

Besides that, she made mummy so proud the other day when she SANG!! mumbling and completely of tune and a stranger never would have guessed, but she sang!!!

Her new thing now is to practice jumping.. Her feet mostly do not leave the ground, but she did have a few successful attempts :-).

EDT 1

Managed to video her singing today :-) She's mainly repeating the first two words (but she does carry on to sing the rest of the line).

EDT 2

Did she? just? say? pipi baba?? As in bye bye pee when I took the potty she had just pooed in [yes, she calls both pipi] to empty in the toilet? As in TWO WORDS?

Wanding

Well not quite yet, unless you count the one yesterday to see how my uterus is doing, as part of this long long list of tests I have to have done (for t42).

Not sure exactly where I'll have treatments, but that's a long and bureaucratic story, so I won't go into it here.. Only that I think I'd like to start with a few unmedicated inseminations as I don't want to stop breastfeeding. If that doesn't work then perhaps a natural IVF cycle which regardless I've heard is better at my age as my eggs now are amongst the last so my body is sending out the best..

And then there is the wanding, and doing (hopefully!) unmedicated cycles also means more monitoring and there's a little girl to think about. Do I take her with me? Do I find someone to look after her while I go? Well, I have three options- 1. my mum (with perhaps my sister helping for the first hour); 2. the nanny (assuming they can); 3. taking her with me.

Advantages / Disadvateges

* Mum

main advantage - not having to take daughter with me and well, not paying some one to look after my daughter.

disadvantages- it is early morning and my mum is not an early bird (hence why sister, but she can only until they go to school/work). My mum helps me quite a lot, or at least she feels she's doing a lot for me, so this is another burden I'm imposing on her. And last but not least, she will know when I have treatments, and will constantly ask if there are any results etc. I really don't need her on my back..

* nanny

first, it's a big assumption that she can and will..

advatnages - I'm not asking for favours from my mum.

disadvantages - more money to pay her when I really don't have that extra (and mind, these are hours paid where I won't be working and earning) and like I said for my mother, she will know when I'm trying, not too happy about that!

I think the nanny option is more on paper as it is the one I least like.

* taking her with me

main advantage - no one has to know anything until I tell my news!

disadvantages - it is a fertility clinic. most of the women do not have kids. I do remember how it felt when babies or toddlers were brought in. I did understand that sometimes you have no choice, but nevertheless it did hurt. Besides that, wherever I end up being treated, it is quite shlep. One thing going by myself, but with a little toddler? And add to that that way before she normally wakes up (yes, we are late sleepers..) so very unpleasant bus rides (yes that was plural. I would need two buses each way). And I think another big disadvantage is not wanting my daughter to see me being wanded. Just doesn't sound right for me (and no, I will not have her wait outside while I'm inside..).

I think this is leaning towards my mother helping me out. I am really not too happy about that, but it seems like the best option.

and the joke is on her...

My sister thought it would be some kind of joke to tell everyone her due date was the first of April even though it was actually a few days earlier. Well guess who gave birth just before midnight on April's Fools Day!!!

So after a very very difficult birth, my sister is now also a single mother by choice to the most cutest baby boy :-)).

[funny thing, when we were waiting to see him through the viewing window, we saw another baby being washed and just seeing that other baby (whom I have no idea who is..) I was all teary eyed. My father on the other hand? Oh that's not our baby, what's there to see!? The difference between men and women....]

speech therapy

[first, I'd like to say I'm sorry I'm so slow on my blog reading. I am as always slow and behind, and while this month's challenge was [yes, I didn't write the post, but I still had/have my little challenge..] to clear my reader, not only have I not managed to do so, but Feb and March... too many nights when I barley managed to read a post or two. Not exactly how I'll clear my reader.. [it will probably be April's challenge too. There, saved myself *writing that post :-)]

p.s -> probably no point of using pale grey as I usually do with such as it all comes out the same colour...]

*because writing a post means another day of hardly being able to read posts and of many more posts being piled up on my reader.

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Speech therapy. I think we can call this a rant. I am kind of all over the place with what I want to write, hope it comes out clear :-).

Okay, there's the annoying technicalities where we are still in the diagnostic stage which means drugging the girl each time to the big city ( Tel-Aviv if you must..). I was promised that once there is a diagnose and we actually start treatment, that it will be in a nearby town. Anyway, we saw the doctor today (hence this post) and hopefully things will start rolling.

The doctor. As part of the diagnoses, I had to see a social worker, and my girl had to be seen by both a speech therapist and a developmental doctor. Oh and there was the hearing test we had to have. While I was told at the time her results were good, the doctor now tells me that while it's not something that effects the speaking, that it's not so good and to have it rechecked. Now understanding results of this or that test is not my job. If I am told there's no problem, why should I think otherwise. This rant I'm actually directing to the people where daughter has done the test. And then (back to the appointment today with the doctor) Butterfly sneezed and she had some snot come out. D (I think I'll call dear doctor D..) asked about ear infections. Upon hearing she had none, D goes on to talking about chronic runny nose and how she might not have an ear infection but still might have fluids in her ear. Yes she might. But chronic runny nose? This is the aftermaths of a slight cold, not a constant state. And I know that's nothing. So she said, but it just adds up.

We started of the "conversation" with all those questions, many of which I was already asked by the social worker. But what much more annoys me is how is all this relevant to my child? What does it matter that it was an IVF pregnancy and not a spontaneous one!? [yeah, spontaneous without a guy. very spontaneous. oh well]. And what does it matter that my TSH levels were slightly high during pregnancy so after birth daughter was checked and monitored as her levels were too slightly high (until at one month she was back to normal). Yes, monitored and not treated, thanks for asking again and again. She was seen by a child endocrinologist. I do think she** knows her job. But what has all this to do with my child being behind with speaking??

And then came the question/s about me. Yes, I was a late talker as a child. Was I treated for it - not as far as I know (confirmed later with mother that not). And that is as far as I will go. Did I have any developmental or I think she said learning problems as a child. I will answer with a big fat no, although I did have my issues and did see whoever I saw [not sure what she was, a child psychologist perhaps? All I remember is this lovely lady I played with..]. Because my issues I had as a child were and are mine. I WILL NOT have my girl LABELLED on my account. She is a person all by herself. And yes, I had a very bad time due to that label.

And then came the "playing" time. Now I do have some guilt for not so much sitting one on one with my daughter [kind of don't have time for that - I am so not a morning type so that's out though probably that's the only real time we have as later we go for a walk and then nap and then I work and then it's supper and bed time, and I need my alone time in the morning and she keeps coming back to nurse. Yes, I probably really need to do better on the mornings :-( ]. Don't think there's a 'but' here. I should spend more time actually sitting with her. But (okay, so there is a 'but') [I am really tired, had a long day, but feel I have to finish this tonight while it's still fresh]. Maybe it's our very different temperaments - she is so so active while I am the reverse - so so passive. Anyway, we don't sit a lot on "learning" games, and that's fine with me. As I've talked about before, I don't believe in teaching her. She will learn what she wants when she wants, I believe in her. For example those wooden puzzles where one has to put the green circle in the green hole, etc. My little girl does not like puzzles. I hope one day that will change as I love doing puzzles, but for now it is not her interest. But aren't young kids supposed to be able to put the red on the red etc?? So the doctor tried and tried first with this board - girl just randomly put colours [btw she could be colour blind! I carry the colour blind gene and if donor is colour blind too (have no idea if yes or no) then there is a 50% chance she is... but more likely she's not, though it is not out of the question] then with another board where colours went into a stick in the middle. Putting them on and off the stick was much more interesting. And then there was more stupid instructions to follow, like give the doll a bottle etc. My girl has a mind of her own. She is very intelligent and has a mind of her own and I'd like to keep it that way. A short cartoon movie I saw not so long ago (unfortunately I don't have the link, I would have liked to share it with you..) of these aileens who do everything in a certain manner. This is how you do things and not any way else. And this little boy who was different, had a mind of his own. He was made to swallow pills which made him be like everyone else. Gone the spark and the joy of life. Then somehow he vomits the pills and is back to his old self. This time he is sent away by rocket (my understanding back in time to when he was a fetus, to start life again, but not sure about that, sad ending anyway). It was a powerful little video for me. And I see my girl as free spirited as that aileen boy. She lives in a society yes. But why does she have to follow rules of someone she just met half an hour ago and in areas that don't interest her?? And yes, it was more fun emptying the box of crayons than actually colouring. Why does she have to colour - because you said she should?? And you know what, telling me that her playing skills are that of a child aged one - one and a half (daughter is a year and nine months), really did not make my day. Thankfully I know my daughter better. I know how clever she is. I know how curious she is about everything. I know how when she wants and is interested in something (i.e not told to do this or that ;-) ) she will try again and again till she succeeds. She will fall and get back on her feet and try again. And I know she is doing fine just the way she is!! [sans the lack of speaking which is why we are at the child services, lol].

** Completely unrelated, but in a very difficult time (beyond being after a difficult [for me] and traumatic birth, I had a hard time with "officials") she was all nice and kind. The funny thing is that I teach her daughters, but while she looked very familiar when she first brought her daughters, only the other day I had figured out from where I know her! Not sure if she recognised me or not (I have a feeling that yes, I haven't yet seen her since my discovery :-)

Oh and yes, it is a very small world because it seems she lives in the same street as me! (though not exactly neighbours)

Purim

Well before the purim post, I want to tell you about this morning - doesn't really matter why and what (yeah, my fault) but Butterfly was in pain and it took me sometime to fix. She afterwards gave me the LONGEST HUG EVER, like she was saying thank-you. I always (as in before being Butterfly's mum) looked from the side at the kids hugging and kissing and drawing pictures for their mothers, and wow now I'm there!! (not the drawing of course, but speaking of drawing - funny thing. I have a pile of papers printed on only one side that are used for her scribbling. I tend to offer her the white side, but she really prefers the side that is not just plain boring white, lol)

Oh, another before - her newest word is mummy, which she says over and over again. My daughter is calling me mummy :-))).

And now for the purim pictures! (I know, I just had a picture post and now another one..). Since I call my daughter Butterfly on this blog, I thought it would be right that her first purim (last year doesn't count because she was too young to be dressed up :-) ) costume would be of a butterfly.

Also, I so want a tradition of mother making her kid(s) costumes. So, maybe far from being perfect, but I'm practicing :-). [oh, and the wings, instead of making straps to go round her body/shoulders which I don't really know how, I tied to her backpack (hoping it will be hidden behind the wings, not so, oh well)]
kl

P.S

I also decided that it should be that I, her mother, also dress up. So I was (attempted to be...) a flower. Sorry, no pictures.

10!

(in no particular order)

1. boo (boots)
2. no
3. dada (the dog Wendy)
4. appe (apple)
5. tea
6. am-amm (when eating)
7. pee (peel [orange peel, etc])
8. pipi (wee wee)
9. haf (dog's bark)
10. hamm (hot)

(there is also the very new "if" [probably from the Hebrew Ichs - yuck!] when she has some dirt on her hand and according to the nanny - "nima" or something like that [nigmar = finished in Hebrew])

And yes,, we are seeing a speech therapist, maybe I'll write more on that later..

EDT: oh, and - titi (tzi tzi = boob) and did she mean me, her mother when she just said mama? (still not clear on that one)