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Tuesday, 16 September 2008

It's a boy

Found out just now that sister #6 is carrying a boy. Although that was my guess, and although I should probably be happy for them, I suddenly feel really gloomy. I think her pregnancy of all [I am now really surrounded by pregnant women: a good friend who gave birth a month ago; a second cousin who gave birth a couple of weeks ago; 2 sisters who are pregnant (sister#6 and sister #3 who is due this week!); and another good friend and another cousin who are pregnant - a total of 6!] is the most difficult one for me. The same was with her pregnancy with her now one year old daughter - that was a difficult one for me, I think due to her being the young, more so - the youngest sister. As long as my older siblings became parents, it was fine with me, but when she became... that was a whole different story. But on the bright side, her pregnancy did cause me to stop and think, to realize that time isn't standing still, and that I should actively do something if I want to be a mother.
And now the information that it's a boy. I would of-course felt the same if it were a girl. The point is that now the fetus has a gender, it is much more tangible. There is actually a baby growing inside her.
And I feel kind of selfish and mean for not exactly wanting to see her, not feeling like being with her. And I know it hasn't been the easiest for her, that this pregnancy didn't come at the right time. Not something I can say to her or talk to her about, I am not an open person and I feel that such a discussion might open some Pandora box that would better stay closed (don't really know if and what, just a feeling), but at least I can whine here about it..


bleu said...

I am so sorry. I had a good friend who had a child Bliss' age and when she got pregnant first try with #2 it was hard, but even more so when her baby was born I went to visit and suddenly realized I could not be around her for a time. It was too hard. I was so guilty over it. I began avoiding her instead of just telling her. After a time I finally told her and she was very understanding.

I hope you find some peace too hun.

Tanya said...

I felt the same way. Somehow it is just worse when younger people are having the kids you long for. Thankfully, I finally had mine before my two cousins (both 10-15 years younger than me) had babies this year.