Butterfly's Birthday

Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

I am so happy and excited about my new family member, and yet..
Almost a week has gone by, and I don't really know any details (hardly managed to sneak in a phone to congratulate) or seen the baby (well except some e-mail photos). And though I do want to go and see and ask and talk, I am also somewhat content as things are. I mean, I was really excited on hearing the news, and then saw the picture of him, on her, after birth, and an e-mail in which she nick-named him, so real and so reminding of what I don't (will ever?) have. Yes, the giant green-eyed monster.
I think it's not easy with all these births (mainly sister #3 who gave birth about 1/2 a year ago, but also all these relatives and friends.. Oh, and though she hasn't yet given birth, can add my shrink who informed me in our session today that she is starting to feel constructions, so it may be earlier [she is supposed to give birth in about a month's time!]. But I think somehow sis #6 pregnancies and births fall harder on me.
Her first pregnancy.. my little sister pregnant.. One thing when my older siblings became parents, another when it's my younger sister. It was not easy, but in the end it is also what drove me to seek motherhood even if on my own, and not just sit on a wall saying how I will never be a mother.
And now her second pregnancy. I think I already knew I was not pregnant when news of her pregnancy spread out, but it was an insemination I was so sure worked, and if not this one, then for sure the next. Meaning for sure we would deliver round about the same time!
And I think her giving birth while I'm on this break, no idea when I'll return (yes, as soon as possible, but really don't know when. hopefully when I finish trying out pill B), having the belief in me ever being a mother fade, does not do any good.
Anyway, though she sent an e-mail saying she feels better and if we want to come and see baby this afternoon, I really can't, so I believe (and hope, yes with all the above I also want to see him and am excited for her) I will probably see him in the weekend.


battynurse said...

Hang in there. Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

I know it might be different seeing things from my place / or annoying to hear this from me but still....I think we tend to look at our neibghours/sisters/cousins etc as a model for comparison (and also then only see the bright things others reflect, not the day to day concerns and difficulties they share),and I feel it is much much better to focus on ourselves!

You have done such a long way, and all this rather alone, you should really feel very proud of yourself, and have faith, especially in yourself!

By the way, I have not yet learnt how to post comments, I try to use my name (#3) but for some reason it doesn't work. Probably need a small course.....

Billy said...

Wow! Thank-you :-)