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Saturday, 13 June 2009

The end of that.

[Not a post of interest, nevertheless I have to write it and get it out of me]

This will be my last mention of a certain person. I will no longer speak of her as she is just so not worth it.
How could I have been so silly and stupid and blind to think that she cared about me? that she wanted the best for me? She was never interested in me, more in her superior feeling of power in "helping" someone less than her. So as long as I was forlorn (as morfix kindly translated עלובה for me, none of the suggestions felt quite right for me), she was there for me, supporting me, but once I grew, once I was doing something for myself, she was no longer "needed". Funny, looking at the comments, I see how the more I got into the community around me, how as she became less of the sole person to "be there for me", she ceased to comment. Then, that not helping she began sending nasty comments (like saying I'm childish or hinting loud and clear that I have Aspergers [for any new readers - I don't..]). That didn't help because I was oh, so blind and so believing that she cared and that her intentions were good, so she went up a stage and attacked me. And when she started that dreadful attack on me, she could no longer go back, her pride..
And this attack of hers, her pushing me (nay, bullying me) into taking a break from TTC (when at my age, a break might be like hmmmmm, f-o-r-e-v-er !) and going on to psychiatric pills, saying how unfit I am to parent. Today I know better, but back then she managed to get to me, managed to belittle and degrade and humiliates me, managed to make me feel so not worth anything. And you know what, it was all about her ego, once she decided and said, that was it, no turning back. You know, it's been over half a year since this whole "incident" began, and not once did I hear an apology from her, not once did she say I'm sorry for the pain I caused you (even if she still holds on to it being for my good). And knowing how I so much need (no! I'll put that in the past - needed) her to undo her wrong of saying what a terrible mother I will be and letting me know that she believes in me, that I will be a mother one day and a damn good one. Not once. When I did mention once that an apology would be nice, she talked about being right and therefore she will not apologize (or something to that effect). I was in shock, but still naively believed she was truly there for me, and was still wishing to hear those kind words from her. Never were they to come.
This week she showed me her real face (or rather my eyes were not blind as before and my heart was less eager to hear her say good words to me), what a looser she is. What a complete no who she is.

Oh, and a few words about those psychiatric pills. Now I am not going to say they are good or bad or whatever, just that they were never right for me. My therapist was completely in shock when I talked about trying those pills. Shocked not of the notion but for my reason for doing so. You see, back then, I truly believed that if I comply with the demands of said person, that I'll have her back on my side. But you know what? though I did give it a try (I do think of myself as a brave person, one who is willing to try things that maybe might help me, maybe I was such a mess that only meds could shake me out of it), it was not due to my own free will, and one doesn't so these things because someone else said. And I will add here that I am so not a person to take meds, any meds. Luckily I am a very healthy person (never took antibiotics in my life!), and I don't even use painkillers for headaches etc. Starting on folic acid (and then the prenatal and hormones) was a big thing for me. But as I said, I see myself as brave, willing to give it a try. Except.. problem was that I didn't really know for what reason. Yes, I am a shy and insecure person. A very insecure person. A very very insecure person. But so what? Hmmm... according to this person, that would make my child miserable. I am now at strength to say - nonsense. My child will be very happy and very lucky to have me as his or her mother. My child will not be any more or any less sad or unhappy as any other child is. Parents come in all shapes and sizes, some are over confident while some are under, some are active some more passive. Whatever and however they are or are not, does not mean child should be miserable. And I pretty much know myself, know that if I'll have to, then I'll make that phone call to the teacher or whoever [and I do dread making some calls]. I know that I am a strong person and I do believe in my strength (so why oh why did I let her go at me like that..).
Talking here about this child of mine.. Funny thing is that in her big attack on me, she claimed how unfit I was as I was talking about myself and about how I deserve to be a mother and not about the child deserving to be my son/daughter. I wonder.. I am completely under attack, it is my blood she is after, and yet I am not defending this unborn child therefore I am no good?? Even now, months ahead and with a clear and fresh mind, I will still state that I deserve to be a mother. It does not mean that the other part of the equation doesn't exist. But you know, writing this stuff here,I think it was never a real and valid argument by her (such as her trying to scare me by telling me how social workers come and check on single mothers and if they don't like what they see, they take child away into foster care and therefore I'm dooming my child into a life of misery [yes, my house is a big mess, but you know what I do not have a child, not even pregnant..]), more of her trying to "score points" over me, to belittle me and to show me again how not worthy I am - how dare I think/want to become a mother if I can't even think of my child's welfare. What a baloney! And you know, I do all the time think of this child, and how and what I should do as a parent for this child.
Well I somewhat drifted.. returning to those meds, well I tried and of course saw no "improvement", I continued to try and still nothing. Eventually one morning I decided that no, I will not continue taking them. It was right before my last cycle began, and although they were safe to use while pregnant, I wasn't really happy about that. It was some relief to make that decision. Me deciding what's best for myself.

And to do myself justice, I just have to say two more things regarding 2 comments of hers that are untrue and that I ignored because they are really not of any importance, but nevertheless:
1. She might claim to be single by choice, but her choice ahhhmm was to divorce. The kids have a father, and a very supportive and loving one. Yes, last summer he got a job abroad and is now not living anywhere near, and it is difficult [though not 6 years like she made it sound], but the kids do have a daddy and this job is only temporary. Nothing remotely similar to an SMC who doesn't even know much details about the donor, let alone there should be someone there for the kids [yes, I am fortunate to have a large family, but helping with your sister's child is not the same as being there for your own kid, even if you don't live in the same house].
2. In no way was she the reason for me starting this blog, as she claimed. I opened this blog because I thought it would be a nice record for my child whenever they are old enough, seeing as they don't have any data on their father, let them at least have something from the time of when they were created. Of course dynamics change and there are now other reasons for writing, but it was never about her or because of her. I know most of you haven't seen that comment as it was on an old post (or for that matter, know about who I'm talking), with one of those clashes she had with Dora, and even if you have, it is so insignificant, but I just had to amend that, I write because I want to, and I started to write here because I wanted to. No other reason..

Continually reading a blog of someone you claim you care for and not saying a word? Ever? That is totally unacceptable in my world. Please note that I am talking about someone who knows me and who says she is there for me. I am not talking about lurkers who probably have their reasons for staying in the shadows (and might I add that I in complete awe that some stranger/s would find my blog appealing enough to come back again and again even if they don't feel up to commenting and showing their face..) but about this certain person who knows me. This behaviour of hers is not new, and to tell the truth, I am tired of it.
I was thinking of going password protect or finding a new place for my blog (love how in Wordpress one can password protect certain posts rather than the whole blog), but I won't. I worked damn hard to get my readership and I love my blog name and how it looks (though I would change the URL name if I had a chance. LOL), and I am definitely not going to break my head and start from scratch.
The only solution I see, is to let the RSS feeds have only a short version of the posts, so that if madam wants to know she will have to enter [hopefully after this post that won't be an issue..]. I am sorry if any of you usually read the feed and only enter if you have something to say. I didn't cancel the feed updates entirely in the thoughts that I don't want to loose you, but I don't have any other way, I can't let her be a parasite filling her cup of curiosity without filling her end of the deal any more.

And yes, another long post.. sorry about that.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry your "friend" is not supportive. I can relate. It's amazing how these friends can affect us even when we don't want them to and even when we have such better, stronger, more supportive IRL and blog friends! As a bloggy friend commented to me when I was bitching about a friend, perhaps she is jealous. In my case, my friend is childless. She could be jealous of the potential of what I could have and could be jealous of the attention I could get if I become pregnant. Maybe in someway your friend is jealous too. As with me, it doesn't matter though. Friends like that don't deserve our concern.

Tanya said...

It's so hard to separate from your "friends" even when you discover they are not such good friends at all. For what it's worth I think you're making the right decision.

Dora said...

Billy, I am SOOOOO proud of you! I loved reading your confidence in this post. You will be an awesome mom! I really think this upcoming IVF will work. Big hug!

tireegal68 said...

wow - people are so scary sometimes! It's so all about them and so not about us. I just got to know you and your lovely blog but I think you are going to be an awesome mama!
I am so fed up with people not being what I thought they were - fortunately for me it's more at work than in "real life" but still - I spend a lot of time at work.
Sending you hugs and congratulations on your bravery and hopeful happy vibes for this IVF cycle to be the one!!

Peta-maree said...

Billy I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. I have had friends like this and it is very hard to say no to them. I am very proud of you writting this post. You will be a fantastic mother.

Naomi said...

What a horribly annoying thing to deal with. I'm glad you realized that you don't need someone so toxic in your life. And you're right, there are all kinds of parents. And however shy or timid you may be now, being a parent will bring out a aggressively protective side that you never knew you had lol...you're going to be a great mom. xo

princessoftides said...

Good for you for taking care of yourself!

Anonymous said...

It is very hard to face, truly face the fact that some people are not who we thought they were, that some "friends" are not friends.

Good for you for defining your boundaries.

battynurse said...

Being someone who also really badly lacks confidence in myself I know how hard it can be to stand up for myself. I'm glad you have. This person sounds like a toxic individual who needs to be the center of attention. She doesn't sound like someone you need in your life.

QueenYogi said...

Yay for you! You are awesome. You don't need negative people in your life.