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Saturday, 6 June 2009

On Sensitivity (a rant and sorry, but it's probably too long)

Don't know where I'm going here. Between finally making those ginger bread biscuits (dough currently sitting in fridge) and having a shower in preparation for celebrating mother's birthday, I'm gonna rant..

On a board I frequent, a board for all those on the way to become single mothers by choice (i.e those who are still in the pondering stage; those who are trying; those who are pregnant), we recently had a very "hot" discussion with, well lots of emotions flying by. It started when one of the pregnant women asked to have a meeting for only those pregnant as they have their issues. Fair enough. Not so long ago a thinker asked to meet with other thinkers and nobody blinked an eye. It is totally understandable. But what stirred the fire here was N's statement saying - yeah, I would love meeting with others in my state since every step I reach makes the previous ones irrelevant. WTF??? Yes, N got pregnant fairly quickly (and it's actually not the first time she showed such insensitivity - when someone else on the board had to cease their pregnancy at 20 weeks she couldn't wait a day or two to talk about her new pregnancy's nausea), and as someone commented - someone who got pregnant that easy can't really understand those who are trying and trying and wanting and craving and going through injections and IVF and whatever to get to where she is. Not sure if that's true. I do know that her insensitivity caused such reactions (and sadly I don't think she gets it).

O.K, it's five o'clock. The dough has been sitting in the fridge for half an hour. Better make those men. Oh, that doesn't sound like such fun.. Mixing ingredients, licking the bowl, even washing the dishes, better.
Stealing a few moments while drying after my shower to tell you how the dough just broke into pieces when trying to use the rolling pin and how I gave such a yell at my sister when asked if her 4 year old could help and how it was solved by adding milk and butter and how I left them to cut out the shapes (so I can have my shower). O.K I'm dry, be back (for the rant and update on cookies..) later.

And then there are the pictures. Someone (on the same board as above..) asked if she is the only one who gets annoyed at those PowerPoint presentations of "those cute kiddies" people e-mail her. So annoyed wouldn't be my emotion, but yes. Luckily I haven't been getting such presentations, but... I think mostly pictures I see on blogs I read or on my SMC forum are O.K by me. I mean, they are not addressed specifically at me, and I can always choose not to open them (though as a perfectionist not so likely..). And I think mainly as these kids/babies are not people I know personally, so maybe it is easier for me to shut my emotions. But my sister sending me pics of her kids? (an almost 2 years old and a 2.5 month baby). Wow, that is difficult. I know those kids and love and adore them, and I love seeing them and holding them and playing with them when they are here, but having proud mummy send pics of her little ones? That's beyond me. I was thinking of asking her not to send me pics (just to clarify, she doesn't send to me in particular, rather to everyone, me included), but then again I don't want to be looked as that person who everyone has to be shushu when baby talk comes up or being careful as to what pics to send etc.

Gingerbread man. hmmmm... so small. How am I supposed to put 2 of those round sweets (we call them adashim. forget what they are called in English. Oh yeah I remember now - smarties) as eyes when there's room for only one?? And how on earth do I make them stick to the cookie? (recipe talked about using coloured frosting but I'd rather not use food colouring so I skipped that part).
Better get back to family gathering.

Continuing the subject of sensitivity, there's this person who most likely thinks she cares about me and all, but in my eyes she is probably one of the most insensitive persons. Coming into my blog, reading about my chemical, then entering again and again but not a word. Not here not there not anywhere. Not one single word to say she's sorry or better luck next time or whatever. Not first or only time. At Purim she pinned* a thread of the board's kids in Purim costumes. It's not the pictures that got to me. I do understand. It is the festival where kids dress up, and except me the rest are parents who want to show of their kids. Having those Purim pictures wouldn't really bother me (O.K I won't lie. It would no doubt do some squashing in my heart, but I wouldn't have remembered it the next day. Just one more "incident" on my path). But the pinning?? (and it's really not a busy place where messages go flying by and if you don't pin a message others might miss it). There were other cases, but I'll stop here. And yes, Purim was some time ago and I am totally a person to keep and hold a grudge.

And maybe this post is about me not believing I will ever be a mother. That day I cried and cried and cried, like I haven't in I don't know how long, but since then... not so. Not because I'm in a better place or whatever, probably just me blocking my emotions, as usual. And maybe I cried so much because I am so scared of what's next and how and what and how and how and will I ever?. It is not so a scare of the actual procedure [I'm sure fear of those inter-muscular injections will kick in when relevant.. and I was scared of the full bladder thing but think I'm calmer about it due to Dora's excellent advice (practice!) and also I understand that it's only when procedure is done with u/s (which is probably better and way more exiting for the "mother to be"), but at least I now know that it doesn't have to be..]. But the bureaucracy and how do you go about it and what do you do. I know I have to take it a step at a time. Right now I am waiting on those three tests, and still have to get what I have together and see that I have it all. Waiting? Paralyzed would be a more fitting word. [hopefully now that I wrote it, tomorrow morning I will move my beautiful ass and do something!]. But what I want to say, is that I'm doing (or wanting to do) not so because I believe, more because I need to know that I have tried. So I will be able to look back on my life, and say yes, I probably did leave it too late**, but I did try, I did give my best at becoming a mother.

Returning to those cookies.... Please don't laugh, but this is what my gingerbread men look like (I mean the ones that didn't burn [burn.. i.e first and third batch. yes, I am talented!]). Think I'll leave them like that, just can't be bothered trying to decorate them, and I only need one and for Friday and she really doesn't have to know that they usually have eyes and buttons etc

Just had to wash the almost 2 yrs old hair. I was asked if I wanted to join kid in her bath (was told she was looking for me :-]), and when I came they (father and grandmother) said - oh good you're here, we can go and take care of blah blah blah. How do you do that?? (wash an infant's hair, that is) She cried, I got all wet, but the job was done. And actually the best part is her mother who was down below, and must have heard, didn't finch. Oh, she always cries when washing her hair, she said when I asked how I should have done it. Nice to be trusted (shall I mention that it's the same sis who sends those pictures?).

* pinning. really don't know if pinning is also the term used else where. Anyway putting a message at the top of the board and keeping it there, at the top, for 2-3 days.

** Luckily here IUI and IVF are (could be) almost free. But using donor eggs/embryos or adopting? Not possible for singles/gay couples here, therefore way too expensive for me to even think in that direction [my financial condition? Far from good :-D]. [on the other hand, no clinic blinks an eye on doing IUI/IVF as single. pros and cons I guess..].


Anonymous said...

For me, the way I get through new procedures in my mind to get past the fear is to remember how many women (those I know and those I do not) have done it and more. If they can do it, so can I. And so can you. :)

Sorry about that twit on your board. I remember reading about her on one of your past posts. Sadly people like her will never get it.

tireegal68 said...

there are some people who never get it. I love how your post interspersed baking gingerbread men and dealing with idiots on boards! I am impressed and love gingerbread men. Just curious where you are based on your comments at the end of your post. Hope your Saturday gets better. Don't let the b--t-rd- get you down:)

Billy said...

Here is Israel (and to think that when I started this blog it was not something I wanted to mention.. LOL)
And... hmmm.... unfortunatly it's way post midnight, which means it's already Sunday which means I should really go to bed as Sunday is a working day here. But thanks for your wishes!

MeAndBaby - I love your words of wisdom!

QueenYogi said...

The cookies in the top row look like they are cocking their heads to the side pondering something :) As for the board, I agree - some people just don't get it.

Shannon said...

I actually left an online SMC group for the very same reason; I got so sick of the people who Just. Don't. Get. It. I know they didn't mean to personally offend me, but I just got to a point where the group was hurting me more than helping me, you know?

I'm going to be starting my first IVF cycle next week. I'm really freaked out about the egg retrieval, and the IM injections, but the way I'm handling it is to remind myself, like meandbaby said, that many women have gone there before me.

Dora said...

Sorry about the insensitivity on the message boards. I really suggest you try to resist opening the ones you know will bother you. Working on letting go of some perfectionism is a good idea. Babies and small children are messy and very imperfect. ;-)

Glad my suggestion helped. Strengthening the kegal muscles are always good. But really, it's just uncomfortable. Not awful. You probably won't have any control over whether the dr does an u/s guided transfer or not. It's what they feel most skilled at. I've heard of one top NYC dr who doesn't use it. She's apparently finds it distracting and prefers to do it by feel. She's very experienced and has a great reputation and success rate. For my transfers in Canada, it seemed like a finely tuned "dance" between the u/s tech and the dr. And really, worse case scenario, you pee a little. (They put absorbent pads under your butt anyway.) I'm sure you wouldn't be the first patient to do it. With all we have to endure on this journey, a little embarrassment can be dealt with.

As for the photos from your sister, I understand how it must hurt. You know she doesn't send them to hurt you. I think you're better off not saying anything. Maybe just have a little private cry over them, and know that we understand. Someday when you have your little one (YOU WILL!!), you may be glad to have those pictures on your computer.

Re the cookies, I love gingerbread cookies!! The one on the bottom right is definitely a boy! He's got a little "package" there between his legs. :-D

Oh, and good for your sister for not interfering when she heard the crying. See! Other people have faith in your parenting skills, too!

Hang in there, Billy.

Anonymous said...

I have gone back and forth about pictures of other people's kids/babies, even my own nieces/nephew. At times they have been too painful to even think about, and at times, I want them up on my wall.

re: meandbaby's thought--it's a good thought for a lot of circumstances, no?

very nice, thought-provoking post

battynurse said...

So I just noticed that feed the turtles thing on your side bar and that's seriously cute.
As far as the board etc. I have several bloggers that I follow and have for several years that I met on a chat board for those using donor sperm. Many of them now have babies either by adoption or IVF. I still read their blog although I rarely watch the videos or go through the slide shows. Not that I don't care, just it's difficult. If someone has a post that is difficult for me I try to just click away. If I receive an insensitive comment, I try to just ignore. Doesn't mean I don't rant to my dogs and cats about how stupid some insensitive comment is or whatever. Some people will never get that they are insensitive. You do what you have to to protect your heart. Hugs to you.

KitchenCathi said...

I think that people who have children easily (ie., don't have to fight or struggle or experience pain and anguish or pay zillions of dollars or have humiliating incidents) don't really understand how truly hard it is for those-who-aren't-yet-mothers. I know that I catch myself when posting to forums now that I'm one of the smug ones on the other side; I think a lot of times the cruelty or insensitivity really isn't intentional, just totally not even realized.
Love the gingerbread dudes. You're braver than me.
And hair washing is HARD.

Demeter said...

I can only say that when you have your little ones (and I am sure you will, you deserve to be a mom) you will want to share the joy of seeing those little ones grow with your loved ones by means of sending pics of them doing silly things, or just smiling. Sharing those smiles is priceless. I hope my comment doesn´t bother you, but I have been on both sides of the equation, on the side of having difficulties getting pregnant and seeing babies everywhere (no fault of anybody else) and craving kids, but also having them and wanting to share the joy. Some day you will too.

Kristin said...

I am so very sorry you've had to deal with the insensitivity. Infertility and loss is hard enough without getting those virtual slaps in the face by clueless individuals. I hope your day improved. And, the gingerbread men are cute.

Deathstar said...

Women who get pregnant the old traditional way (through sex) or even first time IVF, don't always get it. It would be best to be honest with her, don't you think? You can get things off your chest and she still won't get it, but maybe you'll feel better? As for the emails, I just ask people to remove me from group email lists cause I'd rather hear from them in person :)