injections

At my last meeting with my psychologist, when she heard that I am to start injecting hormones, she tried to direct the conversion on worries and fears one might have from injecting oneself. She started saying that since I've never injected myself......... And to my mind came the sad incidence in which I injected a cow. It was while I was in a kibbutz, as part of my army service. I worked in the cow shed and was supposed to learn how to treat cows medically. Except that the one who was supposed to guide me, didn't do so (he was probably fear for his position which was really stupid since I wasn't there to stay!). Anyway, when the boss found out that I wasn't taught anything, he scolded the guy. The next thing the guy handed me a needle and told me to inject a cow. I was barely 20 years old, knew nothing about needles and angles of injection, so I stuck the needle in at 90 degrees. The cow cried, oh did she cry :-(. Next milking I got kicked in the hand by a cow. I truly believe it was her revenging.

Returning to having to inject myself - well no, I am not afraid of that. More so as it is a pen, which surely is easier and much more friendly than inserting a needle. And I know a bit about these injections. Actually even before I even thought I'll be going up a step, I knew - by reading about it on the net (blogs, forums, etc.)and by watching short guide films. Yes, I know it's not the same as doing it yourself, but still there is some background knowledge.

And I have to digress one more time (again to when I was a soldier). We were supposed to get some kind of vaccination, and when Rafi started running away from the medical stuff, I joined him in the game. Yes it was a game for me (for him too!), enjoying the role play. But as the game proceeded, I did start becoming fearful of the needle..

But I am scared of the side effects. I think I'm lately too cranky and nervous towards my mum. So what will I become once I start doing hormones? And how will I go through the two week wait? Towards the end, I usually turn crazy, so now with the extra hormones?? Add to that the fact that I will probably be more certain of success, and what if I fail?

And I am fear of the lack of knowledge I have as to what I am supposed to expect (i.e follicles - how many, how large etc). I tried searching information, but didn't really find anything. I guess because it's individual. I know I am just beginning with hormones and that the doctor prescribed me with a low dose, so maybe I shouldn't expect anything? (sorry, can't do that..).

And I fear of the nurse seeing my belly when guiding me how to inject. I am very much ashamed of my big fat belly, don't really want foreign eyes looking at it. Feels like a girl has no more privacy. First my private lower parts are exposed and exposed and exposed. Now my belly. Next my boobs (oh, that is another reason to fear birth, at least the way I want it - natural. I know that with all the pain going on, the last thing you think of is who sees what, but from here that's kind of scary..).

Good News..

Been just now to the doctor, and it seems it's not as bad as I thought.

Hearing there's a blockage and reading the report at home (on the web) which stated how he tried to open it but didn't succeed, and reading about a suspicion for a defect in the filling of the right horn (which I have absolutely no idea what it means, except that suspicion sounds baaaaaaaaaaaddddddddd) and him asking more than once weather I had an operation there [me??? operation??? I was hospitalized twice in my life - once when I was born, the other after a car accident. Basically I'm very healthy and never had an operation in my life, there or any where else in my body [that is, unless I might have been abducted by aliens who preformed surgery on me :-D)] so for him to ask me twice about an operation... definitely something must be wrong with me.

So I went today to the doctor, expecting him to explain to me how I should undergo a procedure of opening the blocked tube and how IVF might be around the corner. At least I expected him to tell me how I should start taking hormones.
After staring for what seemed like ages at the pictures, while whistling Dr. Zhivago (to whistle Doctor Zhivago??? that's so much my dad - whistling + his favourite tune..) he finally said that it is inconclusive. When I mentioned how my original plan was to go natural on my first six attempts, he said that was fine. Paradoxly I was the one who "pushed" moving on to hormones (not that he was against or anything. Before that when I wondered about not trying to open the tube, he mentioned how today hormonal treatment gets good results, and it's not necessary to go under the knife).
So I'm to start with hormones. The bad news is that this month is a gonner and maybe also next month (depending on if and how the High Holidays and my cycle collide). The good news within is that I have now a month of rest and peace, no TWW for me for a while, and I can finally let the hairs on my legs grow so I'll be able to have a proper wax job done and not having to quickly shave them each time. Oh, and might be a good time to get serious on the loosing weight/doing some sports front!

HSG

Yes it is painful, although not in the way I expected. I was very fear of the device used to catch/hold or whatever the cervix. Someone recommended I should ask for a balloon, someone else said that a balloon blocks the "view" of the uterus. I have no idea what method he used, but that wasn't really what hurt. Well, truth be said, the insertion of the speculum did hurt a bit (I think that like I'm not as embarrassed as I used to be about showing my private parts, I'll probably think nothing of the speculum by the time I have a baby..) and I was quite relieved when he told me to put my feet down (i.e - to lay them flat).
Little did I know that that was the easy part.. It wasn't a short and sharp pain (I think that was what I expected), but rather a long and never ending one. Funny, but it felt like I really really had to go to the loo for (and sorry for the specifics) a very very soft number 2. All I could think of during the test was how I just had to go right now, couldn't wait any longer, that if he doesn't stop right away, I'll go all over him. First thing I did once the test was over and I was free again, was rush to the toilet, only to realize that I don't really need to go..
It seems my left fallopian tube is blocked. Twice he asked me if I had some kind of surgery there :-( (no). He tried and tried but couldn't so he asked me if I wanted him to try and open the blockage. Lying there, still breathing deeply, I had those two voices inside me - "tell him no! that you'll come again some other time and do it." versus "you're here now, come on and finish with it" and so on. The winner argument was the fact that it was my left tube which was blocked. If it would have been my right one, I might have told him no thank you, but as I usually ovulate on my left side, I kind of realized I had to stay.. Well, he said it might be painful and that if at any time I feel I can't bear it, I'll tell him and he'll stop. I have no idea what he did, but that (as far as my memory goes) wasn't too bad. The real pain began again when he injected the iodine :-(. And the real sad thing is that it seems that he didn't manage to open the left tube (something about the iodine from the right tube interfering). Anyway, I scheduled an appointment with the doctor to see how I continue from here.

And a little disappointment for me - I think the body is a wonderful thing and loved the thought of seeing my very own uterus. Someone mentioned how she looked at her uterus while the doctor preformed the procedure and I was thrilled to think how I too will see my not usually seen parts. While lying down, I was happy to see a screen in front of me. Unfortunately once they started, the x-ray came in between my eyes and the screen and I couldn't see anything. I was hoping that at home with the results that come through the Internet, that they'll also post some photos, but nothing. I think there is a disc I should have collected at the end of the procedure, I'll try getting hold of it when I go and see the doctor (it is in a building right next to my fertility clinic..) and I do hope it contains some pics..

P.S
Two insights from today:

1. Walking around with a pad is not all that terrible. I prefer pads over tampons, because I think it is important to let the blood flow out, and when I'm home and at nights I use a pad, but somehow it doesn't feel right when I'm out. So now I know it's O.K :-D
2. Being under pain is not the time for decision making, so I should definitely make sure that when I go into labour, that there will be someone with me who is loyal to my way of thinking and believes regarding birth since obviously I won't know right from left.

Been humming this song today, well more specifically these two lines [הו מתוקה שלי, פישלת בגדול - my dear sweet heart, you screwed up big time; אני רוצה לסלוח אבל לא יכול - I want to forgive but cannot]. Same lines I hummed when I last my virginity :-(. I know that a blocked tube is not the end of the world, and I understand that either one can try and open it or go onto the IVF route (which was basically "invented" for such cases), but right now I feel crap with my own body, like I let myself down.

One disadvantage of my fertility clinic is that although the doctors who work there are considered to be the top in the field, you don't have just the one doctor assigned to your case. I actually see this as an advantage, having your case viewed by different doctors and not just by one.
Well, my last appointment was with a "new" doctor, one that I haven't yet seen. We began with a bit of an awkward silence - I waited for him to say the usual "I see you are in your #x trial....", he waited for I don't know what (isn't it obvious why I'm sitting here in front of you!?). Anyway, he then went through my file, which I liked since he actually looked into it and not just gave a quick glance at this detail or that.

He told me to check my hormone levels again, mentioned how it's been a while since I had them checked (in fact - just about a year). That was kind of funny, since I was thinking lately how I should probably do these tests again sometime soon to see where I stand..
Well, I missed doing them this month (has to be done on day 3-5 of menstrual period), hope it doesn't jinx my next trial (since I'm waiting for my next period to do these tests, I obviously won't be getting my period for quite some time [nine months, to be exact. Well actually more since I hope I'll be breast feeding]. But because I'm expecting not to be able to do the test due to being pregnant, my next insemination will obviously fail. Yes, Twisted is my mind..).

He also sent me to do an HSG. Brrrr... that dreadful test. On one hand I'm sure there's nothing "wrong" with me and I'm only going on to my 5th trial which is not even half a year of trying. On the other hand, like the doctor said, better do it before (if and when) I will proceed to hormones. Better to know for sure what the situation is like in there, and not continue doing fruitless inseminations if indeed there is a blockage. Of course I'm completely sure there's none, which helps me think the test might be painless (wishful thinking!?). Well, I guess I'll know soon enough.

And last night I dreamt I had a little baby girl. I remember she was very small (weighed 2.4 k.g.). At one point I put her on a table, flat, like a doll. When I picked her up later on, her head was all soaked and she was shivereing (it seems I put her on something wet). I put her in between my boobs, trying to heat her up (come to think of it, that's how I tried to heat one of the kittens who unfortunatly didn't survive). I was a bit excited about it - hey, I'm a mum, and this is my daughter. My daughter. But not really excited, not really thrilled about finally being a mother, and that kind of scares me. I didn't even share my motherhood with everyone - someone (in real life from my past, not someone I'm in contact with) called about the weekly diary I ordered. A short conversation where I didn't even bother to say - hey, I have this lovely little girl. Oh, and she wasn't a lovely little girl. I remember thinking how she isn't such a cute and pretty little girl :-(. I'm so scared that I'm longing for this child, and then I'll be such a terrible mother. Scared that my child will be cross at me for bringing her/him at such a late age (when s/he will be 40, I'll be almost 80!). Scared of failing at motherhood, scared of failing to become a mother.

Will I ever be a mummy???

I really don't believe I will ever succeed. I know that about a year ago I couldn't ever see myself actually begin TTC and inseminations and the lot and here I am, and I know that before that I didn't think that I could ever go the path of becoming a mother through donor sperm, and yet I passed that obstacle. But still.. I do hope that one day I will be looking with amazement at that lovely little being sleeping next to me and not understand how I thought s/he would never come to be, but now it feels like it never will happen.
And every time there there is such a nice reason why I should be pregnant, why it must work this month, If it's being almost the same week pregnant as sister #6 or having conceived the baby on such a nice date (8.8.08) or almost last chance of having three pregnant sisters in the family (sister #3 is due in a little over a month..), And every time I have a reason why it just has to work, it obviously fails. Like how looking for symptoms was/is a bad thing, I too have to stop looking for "reasons" why this month of all months it must work (reasons... yes, becoming a mother is the reason, but that goes without saying..).
And the reverse is true too. Whenever I have an opportunity to tell my family as a whole that I'm pregnant, obviously it just won't happen that month. When I'll be troubled as to how, who and when to tell different members of my family, when it could be nice to have some kind of family gathering to take advantage of the fact that everyone's there, that's when I'll succeed. If ever.

I know I am only at my fourth attempt, which is probably nothing, and why am I feeling so blue at quite an early stage in my journey. If I was with a husband/boyfriend, we probably only now would have began to feel somewhat frustrated that things aren't going as planned, but would have probably agreed on giving it a try for another couple of months before really starting to worry. I envy couples for their right to try to conceive without all this TWW and failures. And their "ability" to do so not only in a non artificial/technical/mechanical way, but also as an act of love.

Double Insemination

Double.... hmmmm... yes I sure said I'd do a double one this time. And I was definitely preparing myself to do so. Looking at my data from previous inseminations I kind of kicked myself for not doing any double ones. Maybe I would have been pregnant now if I did - who knows?
Well when the nurse saw my nice follicle, she sent me to get the sperm (I also had some blood drawn which results were only available later on..). Somehow, coming to the clinic, I was quite sure it would still be a bit early and that they would tell me to come back on Sunday. In fact I was actually hoping for a Sunday insemination, didn't really want to go through it today. Well, on my way to the bank I was thinking how I'm doing one insemination today, and how I will do the second on Sunday. I was even thinking how accurate I was with the dates - I told Michal that this won't be a good weekend to visit because I might be concerned with inseminations. I am usually quite terrible with time, so it quite surprised me how I was bingo on.. Well I went to fetch the vial, came back, had the insemination while convincing myself that it wasn't too bad, and I can do it again.
Friday, being half a day, by the time I came back with the vial (at around noon), I was the last patient. When I was done, I just popped into the nurse who was working on the figures of the blood tests of all today's patients (in order to call them and to notify them when to come in again), mentioning coming again on Sunday. "Oh, there's no need for you to come in again on Sunday. According to hormones levels you are ovulating today!" I did try to 'argue' with her - what if...... maybe....... but she strongly advised me it would be pointless (I think she's probably right - my numbers are high: E2=982; progesterone=6 [I don't know what units, but I know the maximum in these units are 1,000 for the E2 and 6! for the progesterone]). So as much as I wanted to (yer, sure, of course I wanted to.. never thought otherwise..) this month will yet again be one of a single insemination.

And on the way home I was almost in tears. My god, what if it doesn't work? What if again I'll have to face that negative? And it's such a lucky day (8.8.08 - eight being considered by Chinese as a lucky number), not to mention my favourite day of the week! But then again it's my fourth insemination, and four is my unlucky number!

And a funny thing happened today at the clinic. There is this woman whom I teach her daughter and somehow I knew she conceived her kids through treatment. Something about how she was very loving and caring with her kids and very very patient. Of course most mums love and care for their kids, but something with her way of conduct with them felt as if they didn't come easy. There was the time when her daughter mentioned how she would love to have a little brother or sister but her parents don't want, and another time she said something of the like when her mother was around and her mother straight away hushed her. Well I was sure she was from the land of IF, but of course you don't go asking someone things like that, and - if she is, what's it to do with me??
So I met her at the clinic today, trying to have her third child. She said that she didn't know I was 'a sister to misfortune'. Well I feel I'm somewhere in between - I certainly don't thing of myself as infertile, but on the other hand I am not doing it the natural way and am using modern technology to aid me with the dream. And like most (if not all) fertility patients, I am ever so much longing for this baby. I was a bit embarrassed to say that I'm from those who are going this way because they don't have a mate. Anyway... I think she knows I'm not married.

P.S
Going back to my last post about Friday and the lab - in the end the technician told me to phone her if I'll be needing them, and came in when I phoned. So I didn't need the hassle and bother of dealing with the IVF unit of whom I know no one.

My bank - what a treasure!

I'm being very cynical...
Well first there's the letter they want me to bring each time I come. This letter has to be from my fertility clinic stating that I am a patient of theirs and that I am taking the vial of sperm to be inseminated by them. Since by state regulations one can only take sperm vials from a bank to a known fertility clinic (i.e - you are not permitted to buy sperm and then inject it by yourself at your home. I really don't know why.), I can understand such a request on the first visit. But every time?? Why, if I really wanted to (and no, I really don't want!), I could have handed the letter, got the vial, and.... go home. As far as I know there is no coordination between the two places. Not such a biggie, just a little nuisance to remember every time to ask the doctor for this letter..

But more annoyingly is the 'discovery' that Friday and my bank is not such a good combination. At my first (and only) meeting with the bank's doctor, one of my questions was related to Friday - What if I'll need to be inseminated on Friday? [Friday here is a half day, but many places of work don't work at all (Sunday is a full working day)] He assured me that in such a case there should be no problem.
No problem indeed! Well last month I was quite in shock when I phoned to notify them that I might be coming on Friday to pick up the vial and they told me - hmmmm sorry, we don't work on Friday. Although yes, they did come up with a solution for me (someone who will come especially to open the bank and give me the vial), a solution that was just on paper since in the end I was inseminated on Tuesday (and of course I did inform them when I knew [a day or two before] so no one came especially for someone who wasn't there...).
And yet again the Friday issue arises. I don't really believe that I 'll have the first [notice - first! i.e - first of the double] insemination on Friday, more likely Sunday or Monday, but there is some chance, and I should be ready. So yet again I had to hear that they don't work on Fridays (from last month I had the impression that they don't work every Friday, so they do from time to time come in) and try to figure out what to do. She insisted that I'll come and take the vial on Thursday and have my fertility clinic keep it until I should use it. Except! my fertility clinic is a clinic and not a bank and doesn't have the means to store sperm vials [and take into account that I might very well not be inseminated on Friday. In which case the vial would be out of storage until Sunday - 3 whole days!]. After some calls to the bank and to the clinic, the solution for now (to be confirmed tomorrow) is for the bank to hand the vial to their IVF unit (the bank is situated in a hospital, and they do have their own fertility clinic) and should I need it, I should have no problem collecting it. My only concern is what happens if I don't - will there be someone to return it to the bank for storage?