Thursday, 19 June 2008

Fears

I'm trying to schedule this post, just for the fun of it. I'll ask it to be published on Thursday at 7:30 when about I should be at the clinic taking the Beta test. I think out of all the two week wait, the most nerve recking will be after I come home from the clinic and sit by the phone waiting for the results! (I do hope they'll contact me before 14:00 when I have to leave home [I'm a no cellphone freak..], I mean they should, but if not... I don't really know how I'll be able to work..).

Anyway.. Fears.... My first response when I saw the blood knowing that it might very well mean good news (before, I was certain this was a no good cycle) was - NO! Kind of a strange response when what you really really want, when what your ever so much desire for might be happening. My initial response for this reaction of mine was that I felt that I'm not ready yet. Mainly not ready in the house front - I am very messy and untidy and have tried again and again to tidy up, but haven't really succeeded. It comes in waves - Usually I'm quite energyless. Somehow, sometime I decide to face my mess and do something about it. The thing is, I never get around to finishing, and it usually deteriorates so quickly... Anyway, my initial reaction was no since this is definitely not a house where a child could be raised.
Amazingly, my psychologist managed to see through this, managed to see my true fears. What kind of mother will I be? Will I be like my mother - a woman who obviously loves her kids and cares for them, but something in the emotional bonding was missing. So, will I be my very own mother? Will I be a good mother? Will I be a better mother?

And more practical fears: Will I be able to handle it - raising a child on my own? And what if I won't, well I can't just return the baby; sorry, not suitable for me! And every body (in my SMBC forum) talks about how difficult it is - will it really be so hard? Will I manage to enjoy my child, or will I be so exhausted? Or even looking at sister #6 and her baby. She is happily married and yet finds it difficult (oh, and she has such an easy baby!), so how will I cope alone? Or how easy/difficult would it be to ask for help. Somehow when there are two of you and you need help, it is quite obvious, but, hey.. I'm the one who decided to go for it, so I'm the one who should live with it.. And job wise. I tutor kids. Some come to me, but mostly I go to their houses. So how will it be when I'm eight months pregnant? Or what will happen after birth? How will I manage my job and taking care of a little baby?
So many fears, but I'm sure that somehow everything will be alright :-)

2 comments:

Michal said...

It's so good that you go to therapy. The psychologist can help you process and focus your fears - so at least you face the right ones..., and she will also be there after the birth to help you - in case of post birth depression, which is the number one reason for not being able to cope. She'll help identify it ASAP, and treat it; and she may be able to help you with the practicalities of asking for help.

One issue I would raise with your family already now, to surface it and prepare them for after birth - the fact that you feel a couple has more right for help, whereas you "brought it on yourself".
Once you are already in need of help, it'll be very hard for you to cope with such feelings (and ask for help), and it'll be even harder for them to understand what you mean, as their babies will be older by then.
I'd raise this fear with them already now. Tell it to sister #6 (it = how you feel) and see how it sits with her: does she see your point? does she realize how much help she needs and how more difficult it'll be for you?
The idea is not for her to agree with you, but for her to leave the conversation in a state that would make her think of future-mother-billy whenever she has a difficulty, so she can see for herself, why you will need the help.
You can raise the fear with your mother too (separately) and with your other sisters (again, separately). Just plant the thought in their mind, so that they know what their "commitment" is for (don't tell them the word "commitment", of course...).

Billy said...

Maybe I'm wrong in feeling that doing it alone means I brought it onto myself, including the difficulties, and that I can and should be able to ask for help when needed But although your advice does seem good, I don't think I can take it.