Friday Night

Just came back from a lovely lovely Friday night meal with my family. When my father sent us all an e-mail asking to reintroduce the Friday nights meals and Kiddish we used to have as kids, those obligatory moments were we all fought with each other and the atmosphere was unpleasant and all, I thought yeah just let the evening pass. But I am so surprised how enjoyable it was. I mean I knew it wouldn't be like back those days but still didn't expect to have such a nice time. Funny how we all stood at our regular places around the table for the Kiddish (and funny as always how the kiddish wine has to zigzag across the table because there is an order by which it is drunk [by age, but first men and then women & children. No, not a tradition I like..] and of course we don't stand 'correctly'). I also didn't expect to have such a lovely time because it ain't lovely times for me.

Sister #1, as "her name" describes her, is the eldest. Though I am not close to her, don't chit-chat with her and don't phone to say hi (I don't exactly with the others, but more so don't with her), she has always been a figure I knew I could go to if/when I needed to, kind of a mother figure (my mother, well.. not exactly). She was first to hear of my plan to try to conceive using donor sperm, she knew when I started hormones. Somehow when we meet [not often] and she asks what is happening on the TTC front, I tell her. The rest usually get the "you'll know when I'm pregnant" or the likes. So when asked, I told her about the break (hey, and now I'm telling you guys :-)). Funny since she said I looked glamorous and even wondered if I was pregnant, especially funny considering how/what I was a day or two before. I told her that I'm to see a psychiatrist on Sunday, and probably start some kind of medication. She was very supportive and said I should first sort myself out. I understand that, I can even overcome my rejection to being medicated (hey, I don't even take Akamol*). I mean I doubt if it will be easy to admit to taking some kind of psychiatric pill, not something I think I would share with the world. But it's the break that comes with it that is the most difficult. I realize people around me [those from my "communa" and also sister #1] see it as a necessary break, as only postponing motherhood until when I am better. But I feel like it's not a matter of postponing, like if I don't do it now I will never become a mother. I just feel like I am mourning motherhood. Like O.K I'll go there do it, because I am really falling apart, but like I can't do it and become a mother at the end. Maybe I feel I'm too messed up and all the time in the world will never sort me out, maybe I'm doubting the wonders all claim psychiatric pills have.

*probably an Israeli brand name. The basic pill one takes when one has a headache etc.

For the past two or so weeks, I have been working hard on cleaning my house, and every once in a while I look with amazement - can't believe how it looks, not so long ago this area looked.... and now... And today was the climax - Michal came over (will just mention that she lives very far - almost 2 hours drive!) and helped me get my house into shape. I'm sitting here by the computer, every now and then swivelling the chair, just to look with awe at my place. Fun!

We origianlly planned to meet on election day, but have a non-working day in the middle of the week, and it just has to be a stormy day. Out of all the days, one would think we're having such a harsh winter.. Well, all the better, since today was a lovely sunny day :-).

Anyway, also sister #5 was here helping. At one point she was talking about how her child blah blah blah, and then added - if she ever has a child. That bit me because she is only 2 years younger than me (plus three weeks, to be exact..). I do hope that when (when, not if!) she does try and become a mother (in whatever way she decides to. She once told me that she won't go the donor sperm route, but will settle with whoever if/when she felt it's time..), that it will be short and easy :-).
I however am skeptical. Skeptical and pessimistic. About myself, that is. I am doing all I can to do it right, to know I earnestly tried. Not just the TTC part, but with this break. Yes, I do go on about how I'll do this or that as a mother, but deep inside I really can't see it happening. I don't mean to be blue or anything, and I do hope one day to be looking back (while smiling as I watch my little kiddo sleep like an angel..) at this time, and.... (don't know and what). Maybe hope is still there somewhere, but right now I can't see me ever being a mother.

oops, pressed the publish button but forgot to add title. Maybe I should call this post - "cleaning: house and soul"? [but homestly I am really too tired to think, so I'll leave it titleless]

The Dead Sea

I was flicking through my pupil's book and saw this text about the Dead Sea. Looked interesting so I read it. Texts that are close to home do have an appeal. It was interesting to read about green bananas in Brazil and about the little girl who attempted to be the youngest to fly across America (unfortunately she didn't survive the journey) and many others. But when it comes to home front..
The problem is that when it's close to home you also know. I don't know if green bananas are actually used in rural Brazil as a temporary means of repair in cases of an over heated car radiator that leaks. I do know Israel and the Dead Sea, and one definitely does not cover themselves with black mud and jumps into the water {that really annoyed me. I'm skipping all the stupid unrealistic parts like only after arriving here does he go to a tourist agency to see what there's to see here. Hmm.. I know that if I were to visit the States, I for sure would want to see the Niagara Falls (and the Mississippi [maybe nothing special to see, haven't done my H.W, but you know, Mark Twain..]), the point is that before one goes one does know something and has some kinds of plans. And not wanting to visit Jerusalem [gulp] O.K I'll swallow my saliva on a tourist not wanting to visit Jerusalem, but because it's a city and he wants fresh air??? etc.}.

Anyway, it got me thinking of the Dead Sea. Not so long ago we [i.e my family and I]) took these tourists (2 brothers) down there, and while others were having fun floating in the water etc, I stayed on the beach. O.K, the trip itself was to Masada, and we stopped at the Dead Sea only on the way home, and it was after a long day and it was getting too cool. But the point is they were enjoying themselves and I... And I don't want to be a boring mother, one who life just passes by her. I would want my child and I to join the fun, to put on our swimming suits [and will sadly admit to not having one] and wade in the water.
And things that were going on between me and Michal, and the cleaning of my house (not there yet, but don't think it's been as good as this in, oh I don't know, too long to remember) and all got me thinking. Kind of feels like I've been dead all this time, and now I want to live. Want to live for my child, but also for myself. I can't see myself ever being a mother, but at the same time can't imagine myself not being one one day (hard to explain how these two opposites co-exist). I was always going on about how I'll clean for baby. Well it's not that I'm cleaning for myself now, but I'm starting to realize that that's what I should be doing.

I was asked if I am to proceed to IVF. Probably, don't know for sure yet, haven't seen the doctor. Actually more correct would be to say that I haven't even made an appointment to see one. Very strange feeling. I think it's the first time since I began this journey that I sat aside on my own accord. So yes, I am taking a little break from TTC. I am burning with desire for this baby/child but I probably need to see if I can get this living thing going first..

Not an October Baby..

Why is it that even though I know my period is due, and I'm just waiting for it to appear, why is it that the moment I put a tampon or a pad, then and only then do the cramps start???
Oh well, not this time then.