Just this week there was a discussion on a forum about tests' results that go directly to the doctors (instead of posting the results on the web site, like in the case of testing for aids, for example). Though I understand why it is done this way (you never know who might get a heart attack or whatever from hearing such and such news), if it was up to me, I would really prefer learning about a positive when it's just me and the computer, and not in the presence of a stranger. And I'm thinking, after passing the hurdle of the biopsy - do I want someone to come with me to hear the results? Maybe I'd prefer to go alone? And if I want someone, who should it be?
And I'm trying to be more of a sharing type. I took the Sedder last week as an opportunity to tell everyone about this lump I found. And in an attempt to not shut myself and to let my mother be somewhat more involved (and knowing how she likes these things..) I showed her the image of the mammogram and u/s. But it now seems she is telling everyone about this huge lump I have. hmmmmm.... ignoring the fact that huge it is not, we do know I have something there, otherwise I wouldn't have been asked to have a biopsy done. I didn't ask her not to tell people since I can guarantee that whatever I say to her will find its way around (I've been burned enough to know that I can never share with her anything in confidence, she'll do the deciding on whether it is worth telling or not [never or not]. I do believe that has to do with me not liking to share), but it still makes me feel pissed off and very much disappointed in her. Yet again she failed me. [and on the opposite side there's sister #1 who remembered that today I had an appointment with the doctor (only to give me the referral for the biopsy) and cared enough to phone and find out. And no, mother didn't/doesn't know when and what (see above as to why..) , but still...].
On the tests itself - I am still very much on the positive side, thinking - me? na, can't be me! I'm healthy as an ox (or a horse?). But slowly these thoughts are creeping in (which will probably increase as I wait for the test itself and then the results) - what if? What if I do have cancer? And if yes, isn't it ridiculus all these tests and procedures I'm getting done as a requirement for IVF? I mean if it's a positive, then for the time being, I won't exactly be continuing on my TTC journey and will most likely have to do them all again. I think for the time being I'll delay making an appointment for the last thing on the list (a pap smear), it's simply just too much right now (did I mention that I also have an appointment with the psychiatrist next week?).