Thursday, 16 April 2009

And the waiting continues..

So, I have another week until the biopsy, and then another two weeks for the results which will go directly to the doctor.
Just this week there was a discussion on a forum about tests' results that go directly to the doctors (instead of posting the results on the web site, like in the case of testing for aids, for example). Though I understand why it is done this way (you never know who might get a heart attack or whatever from hearing such and such news), if it was up to me, I would really prefer learning about a positive when it's just me and the computer, and not in the presence of a stranger. And I'm thinking, after passing the hurdle of the biopsy - do I want someone to come with me to hear the results? Maybe I'd prefer to go alone? And if I want someone, who should it be?

And I'm trying to be more of a sharing type. I took the Sedder last week as an opportunity to tell everyone about this lump I found. And in an attempt to not shut myself and to let my mother be somewhat more involved (and knowing how she likes these things..) I showed her the image of the mammogram and u/s. But it now seems she is telling everyone about this huge lump I have. hmmmmm.... ignoring the fact that huge it is not, we do know I have something there, otherwise I wouldn't have been asked to have a biopsy done. I didn't ask her not to tell people since I can guarantee that whatever I say to her will find its way around (I've been burned enough to know that I can never share with her anything in confidence, she'll do the deciding on whether it is worth telling or not [never or not]. I do believe that has to do with me not liking to share), but it still makes me feel pissed off and very much disappointed in her. Yet again she failed me. [and on the opposite side there's sister #1 who remembered that today I had an appointment with the doctor (only to give me the referral for the biopsy) and cared enough to phone and find out. And no, mother didn't/doesn't know when and what (see above as to why..) , but still...].

On the tests itself - I am still very much on the positive side, thinking - me? na, can't be me! I'm healthy as an ox (or a horse?). But slowly these thoughts are creeping in (which will probably increase as I wait for the test itself and then the results) - what if? What if I do have cancer? And if yes, isn't it ridiculus all these tests and procedures I'm getting done as a requirement for IVF? I mean if it's a positive, then for the time being, I won't exactly be continuing on my TTC journey and will most likely have to do them all again. I think for the time being I'll delay making an appointment for the last thing on the list (a pap smear), it's simply just too much right now (did I mention that I also have an appointment with the psychiatrist next week?).

9 comments:

battynurse said...

Waiting sucks!
For the results of the test part I would say take someone with you. If it was less than great they would be there to listen to things you might miss and/or ask any neccessary questions. If it's great news you can go celebrate together. But if you really don't want someone there you don't have to listen to me. I hope it all is great and no problems. Hugs to you.

meandbaby said...

Sorry about the wait. Glad you are staying positive!! Hope everything turns out okay.

Michal said...

I hope you don't have cancer!
But if do (tfu tfu tfu), then IVF should be the first thing you do. Chemotherapy has a bad influence on fertility, so none-mothers get to have an IVF (no return) to save their chance for motherhood. I wouldn't skip that last test.

As for your mother, my diagnosis is that she is so insecure that she uses information as a resource for gaining social capital. So she shares your secrets and thus gains something (attention?) from others. It's very sad that a mother "sells" her own child for her own feeling of belonging. But it's somewhat as sad to think that she needs such measures to feel she belongs. No solution here, and no consolation, but hopefully a minimal reduction of the heart ache, due to understanding.

Billy said...

Just to clarify - I'm not planning on skipping that last test, just not do it now. Besides the fact that I feel like enough right now with all these tests and procedures and doctors, I think maybe I should also leave something for when I'm waiting for the results, something to distract myself.

Dora said...

Hang in there. This is all hard. Don't know what to tell you about bringing someone with you for the news, but Battynurse has a good point about someone else hearing things you might miss. Thinking of you, hon. Hoping it's all good news. These things usually are nothing, but it's good they're being thorough.

princessoftides said...

Not much more to add, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Waiting is just plain lousy, and it's normal that you would be anxious even though your odds are really good. Try to take care of yourself during all this!!

Joni said...

My fingers are crossed for positive results for you. Waiting is the worst part. Good luck!

Billy said...

Joni - Negative! LOL

And thank you all. Yeah, it probably will be a negative..

Demeter said...

I hope everything will be alright. Most times it is. The wait is horrible but you will be alright. Michal is so dead on with her comment. Take care, it will be ok.