For quite some time now, I've been feeling this lump in my left breast. When I first noticed it, it was at the time when I was so made to feel unworthy of motherhood, that I really couldn't do anything about it. I know it's stupid, but I was so scared that if I'd say anything, if it turns out I have cancer (and of course, by not saying a word, poof - any cancer cells I might have, are gone), that I could kiss my dream to become a mother goodbye. So I said nothing. Then it took another week or so to build up the courage to deal with whatever it is, and another two weeks to get an appointment.
I dreaded that appointment less for fear of results, more for this huge embarrassment I have over my breasts. I am so ashamed of those dangling body parts which for however long I can remember are directed south. I assume it's due to biggish breasts, thinnish figure (at least in adolescence when my breasts were growing) and lousy bras (my first [and second and third..] were hand-downs from my older sisters. Don't remember going with mother to buy a new one). So I was scared, but turns out it wasn't that bad :-) Maybe I became used to "strangers" seeing my private parts, that showing another part of my flesh isn't so bad (you just wait to when you give birth!).
Anyway, he poked and poked, and said that it's a soft lump (soft? O.K, if you say so), nothing to worry about. Said it might be a cyst (I think I heard of a connection between taking hormones and benign tumors), and sent me to do a mammogram and an u/s for the breasts [done today, results some time next week]. Right now I am twice relieved - first and foremost, I'll take his word that it is probably nothing to worry about. But I'm also relieved to know that I was not
imaging imagining, that indeed there was something there!
And then there's the psychiatrist.
He gave me two pills to try out, both not ttc friendly, but said that a third permanent one will be. So I tried two weeks of pill A, and another two of pill B. Besides the point that I completely doubt their effectiveness (I do believe in the placebo effect of pill A), I do not want to halt my ttc efforts any longer. Currently I haven't been able to get hold of him, when/if I do, if I do decide to take whatever pill, it will only be something that is ttc friendly.
And finally [and probably the most important update :-) ] there's the doctor at the fertility clinic. So I've seen him today [yes, long day.. same building as the mammogram] and I will be advancing to IVF, but in the mean time, while I gather all those tests they require, I will do another IUI. I am supposed to get my period some time this weekend [which will be a year since my period on the 1.4.08 which led to my first insem!], the later the better since Pesach might be a problem, and I really don't want to inject myself all those lovely hormones only to have to cancel the cycle. Pesach was actually also an induce to not wait any longer. The doctors won't be working a whole week, and I really can't wait to be back on the wagon!
With all these doctors I've been seeing, and medical examinations, and all these tests I have to do, I feel like a pawn on this giant board game - go to...... go directly to...... do not pass go..
At least I have done most of the tests quite recently! I'm thinking maybe do the rest while in the tww (get my mind occupied with something else), oh, except maybe I shouldn't while potentially pregnant?
Besides all these tests, there's the question of where and by who. I think I know where I want (my clinic, not being a hospital, doesn't do this procedure), which leaves the question of the doctor. I thought of Dr. Z. who is considered one of the tops here and who is warm and thoughtful (and his insems don't hurt!). If I go with him, I can get quite a nice reimbursement (If I'm not mistaken, 87%), and he is nice enough to call each cycle one meeting (I can get this reimbursement for seeing three specialists a year, i.e 3 IVF cycles with him). But nurse today at the clinic pointed out that Dr B, the one who I saw today (and the one at my bank! yes, these doctors work all over the place..) also works at the centre where I'm thinking of doing the IVF, and that if I'll tell him I was directed to him from this clinic, that he won't charge me! I'll check him out on the web, but I'm thinking - yes, I would like that!