Sunday, 31 May 2009

So. I guess I should be heading on to the next cycle. Good thing I have done all the tests. Now need to put them together and see that I have everything. Don't yet have the results of the PAP (should have it in about a week), and I have to go to the doctor that checked the lump in my breast to say I'm O.K and try the sperm bank for my AIDS test (they have a copy [actually the original] and I lost mine and they (is it called HMO?) don't post the results of this test on the web). Other than that, I should have it all. So that's so far as the technical side is concerned. I'll focus now on finishing collecting the data, leaving the panic of how/what/why/when to later.

As for the emotional side.. how do I hurt the least? How do I disconnect from even knowing I'm in the 2 weeks, waking up the day after - either pregnant or not, but totally not caring if I'm not? Maybe next cycle I should try a different approach - test from as early as possible. My tactic so far was to test as late as possible (if at all). Obviously this is not working for me. Maybe if I start testing early, and see those BFNs one after the other (you know, if for some strange and unknown reason, next cycle doesn't get me knocked up..) I won't be so devastated (though that won't help for those chemicals).

Just feels so unfair. Why? Why can't I go beyond 4 weeks pregnant? Why if I do manage to get to implantation I can't get any further? Is my uterus such a terrible place that once the embie sees where it's supposed to spend the next 9 months that it says "no thank-you" and leaves???

7 comments:

battynurse said...

I'm sorry. This sucks so bad. Hugs to you.

Miss X said...

I'm so sorry! I really thought this one would be "it". I'll keep praying for you.

Glad you had a good birthday. :)

meandbaby said...

Crap, crap, crap. So sorry. I was so hoping for you.

Dora said...

I don't know what to tell you about how to handle the emotional stuff, but I do know you can't screw it up with your thinking. I was so positive about my cycle in February, and feeling so negative about the one in March. Well, you know which one worked.

Maybe just focus on how much higher your chances of success are with IVF. I believe you'll get there.

becomingwhole said...

I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself. Hugs.

Fat Chick said...

I'm so sorry!!! (((HUGS)))

I tagged you.

Jo said...

Really sorry, Billie! This really sucks.