My Pathway to Motherhood

So. I guess I should be heading on to the next cycle. Good thing I have done all the tests. Now need to put them together and see that I have everything. Don't yet have the results of the PAP (should have it in about a week), and I have to go to the doctor that checked the lump in my breast to say I'm O.K and try the sperm bank for my AIDS test (they have a copy [actually the original] and I lost mine and they (is it called HMO?) don't post the results of this test on the web). Other than that, I should have it all. So that's so far as the technical side is concerned. I'll focus now on finishing collecting the data, leaving the panic of how/what/why/when to later.

As for the emotional side.. how do I hurt the least? How do I disconnect from even knowing I'm in the 2 weeks, waking up the day after - either pregnant or not, but totally not caring if I'm not? Maybe next cycle I should try a different approach - test from as early as possible. My tactic so far was to test as late as possible (if at all). Obviously this is not working for me. Maybe if I start testing early, and see those BFNs one after the other (you know, if for some strange and unknown reason, next cycle doesn't get me knocked up..) I won't be so devastated (though that won't help for those chemicals).

Just feels so unfair. Why? Why can't I go beyond 4 weeks pregnant? Why if I do manage to get to implantation I can't get any further? Is my uterus such a terrible place that once the embie sees where it's supposed to spend the next 9 months that it says "no thank-you" and leaves???