Friday, 22 May 2009

Tick Tock Tick Tock

or rather

T - i - c - k ~ ~ ~ T - o - c - k ~ ~ ~ T - i - c - k ~ ~ ~ T - o - c - k

Time is going by so slowly! I am so sure I am not pregnant and just want the conformation. No reason really to feel this way, since even when I did have the chemical, I didn't have any symptom, and I'm only finishing my first week so I know it's still too early in the game for anything. But maybe 7 unsuccessful attempts leads me to think that - na, it won't happen just like that. Maybe it's just that I can't picture myself a mother, that is to really imagine myself being a mum and not just fantasizing about it. I know I should have a more positive attitude, that the negativeness has an effect, but still..
When I started this journey, I told myself it will be a long and a very tiring one, that it will not be easy, but I also somehow "knew" I won't be doing IVF. And now this was the last one before the 'big' IVF , and if I'm not knocked up that's where I'll have to go, and I so don't want to (yeah, no one does it just for the fun of it, but I am ranting here about myself..).

But although I don't believe I am, I'm still thinking of the timing and what a great one it is. How on one hand I won't have to be 8,9 months pregnant in the hot humid & sticky and hot (can I say hot once again?) summer and how since I should deliver towards the end of winter/beginning of spring, how new born baby won't have to be wrapped up and all and how first winter will be when s/he will be one years old etc etc. See, perfect! (not that I try or try not according to external factors like the weather). So although I don't think I am, I can't help the thoughts of when the baby is due.
And then last night my mother talked about the holiday she's planning to New-Zealand next spring. A holiday she's planing on taking with my father in Pesach time, which is a yay! This year's Sedder was, as I call it, my best worst Sedder ever. It was bad, but I'm no longer in the place where a bad Sedder makes me all sad and miserable, and it is only because my parents attended it. When it's just us sisters we do have a great time. So not having them around for the night (yes, they are aware of this) is a yay, but I digressed. So my mum mentioned the trip (something I already knew about), trying to think aloud when exactly would be best to take a five week vacation, and I'm thinking - Oh my! March you say?? and 5 weeks (f-i-v-e)??? so you won't be around to help with my new born....
Of course I'd prefer the latter scenario than the one in which there is no new born at all around March...

Can someone please press the forward button on time? Because I would really just rather know and the sooner the better. If it's a no, so be it. But if I wait another week, I might start really thinking I am and search for whatever symptoms, and then be so devastated when I get the negative.

* Just to make it clear - I really don't expect my mother to change her plans or have them on hold or whatever due to me.

33 comments:

calliope said...

the end of the 1st week is the WORST part of the tww. I will be thinking of you and hoping, hoping, hoping!

Missy said...

Waiting is always the hardest part. I wish we could speed up time.

ICLW

Serendipity said...

the 2ww is hell, I would put money on the fact that time actually moves slower. I hope the next few days don't drag too much for you.

dragonflymama said...

wow, the 2ww. sending you lots of strength, patience and serenity,being in the moment with the possibility.

~ICLW

QueenYogi said...

I'm hoping for you!

Parenthood For Me said...

No one can possibly understand the 2ww unless they've experienced it. I too remember thinking that I just could not picture an acutal BFP. But the waiting plays tricks on your mind. You'll get through the next week. In hindsight it will have flown by. Best of luck on the results.
Happy ICLW

Naomi said...

*fast foward*

did that work?
keeping my fingers crossed for you!
xo

battynurse said...

Waiting sucks. It seems so long when you're in the TWW. I hope that you are pregnant and have your perfect timing.

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

The waiting game is SO difficult. Hang in there!!

*ICLW*

GINA and KEV said...

Seems like we're always waiting on something, right? I hope your next week goes faster and that you get good news at the end of your wait.

ICLW

Busted Tube said...

Oh, the 2ww is so hard. I hope you are lucky this round and that time flies.

ICLW

Rebecca said...

The TWW blows. That's all there is to it.
Here's hoping for all good things!

ICLW

Dora said...

Hard to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it, that the 2ww is worse than any injection or procedure. Hang in there.

Andrea said...

Ugh...the 2WW is the very worst! Hang in there and many good luck vibes being sent your way!!

ICLW

meandbaby said...

Hang in there... only a few more days to go! And then it will be your birthday too! Hope the time goes by quicker and works out perfectly for you!

Astrid said...

Hi Billy, nice to finally 'meet' you too! Isn't it funny how this process can make us want to both fast forward and rewind time, depending on the day? Good luck finding some distractions over the next week. There is, as you know NO WAY to tell at this early point, no matter how you feel.

Lori said...

Schroedingers Box is not a very comfortable place to live.

Abiding with you during the wait, with fingers crossed.

katery said...

i always assume i'm not pregnant too, it's still disappointing when it is confirmed, but not nearly as disappointing as if i allowed myself to believe that i actually was pregnant. new zealand is the place i dream of going to more than any other place! i'm jealous of your mom!

Meg said...

That 2nd week is a killer! The only reason I haven't peed on anything is because there are no tests in the house and the store I stopped at today was all out. I hope the week goes by very quickly and we both get the answer we're hoping for!

Nina said...

I hate waiting. I've been exactly where you are. Good luck!

Jenny @ Another Jennifer Speaks said...

i go through that every month. i totally know how you feel. xD

LupronGirl said...

Wishing I could fast forward for you....*ICLW*

We have Angel Wings said...

I feel like we live our life by the 2ww. Sending you strength to make it through it and hoping that your feelings on a BFN are wrong!

Here's to hoping for a BFP!

~Happy ICLW

Erika said...

I hope there's lots of things to keep you busy this week! Good luck, and here's hoping that the big IVF never has to happen.

looking4#3 said...

The whole waiting game just SUCKS!!! There is no part that is nice or enjoyable. Try and be good to yourself!!!
Happy ICLW Week!!!

becomingwhole said...

I hope you are hanging in there with your 2WW. I know it is so hard. Sending you many good thoughts and hope.

Also, you have a tag on my blog under the "crazy 8's" post.

Stefanie said...

Waiting is the hardest part, Good luck with your wait and I hope this cycle works out well.

~Stopping by for ICLW~

Lucy said...

The 2ww sucks! And I find it hard to think that any time COULD be it...it seems the BFNs add up to the likelihood of more BFNs...I always have to remind myself that there's no reason to think that, and that each 2ww is independent and COULD be it. GL!

ICLW

caitsmom said...

Hang in there. Hoping for the best for you and your family. Peace.

ICLW

Mrs. Gamgee said...

I hope that the remainder of your tww goes by quicker than the first part has.

Hillary said...

Oh, I hope the end of your wait goes by quickly and that you have a BFP at the end. I HATE the tww (I know, who doesn't?)

Thanks for stopping by my blog!
ICLW

Jess said...

The last week in the 2ww is the worst!!! I'm really hoping you get your BFP this cycle!!! :)

Mama Bear said...

waiting is sooo hard! I dont miss that at all! good luck!