T - i - c - k ~ ~ ~ T - o - c - k ~ ~ ~ T - i - c - k ~ ~ ~ T - o - c - k
Time is going by so slowly! I am so sure I am not pregnant and just want the conformation. No reason really to feel this way, since even when I did have the chemical, I didn't have any symptom, and I'm only finishing my first week so I know it's still too early in the game for anything. But maybe 7 unsuccessful attempts leads me to think that - na, it won't happen just like that. Maybe it's just that I can't picture myself a mother, that is to really imagine myself being a mum and not just fantasizing about it. I know I should have a more positive attitude, that the negativeness has an effect, but still..
When I started this journey, I told myself it will be a long and a very tiring one, that it will not be easy, but I also somehow "knew" I won't be doing IVF. And now this was the last one before the 'big' IVF , and if I'm not knocked up that's where I'll have to go, and I so don't want to (yeah, no one does it just for the fun of it, but I am ranting here about myself..).
But although I don't believe I am, I'm still thinking of the timing and what a great one it is. How on one hand I won't have to be 8,9 months pregnant in the hot humid & sticky and hot (can I say hot once again?) summer and how since I should deliver towards the end of winter/beginning of spring, how new born baby won't have to be wrapped up and all and how first winter will be when s/he will be one years old etc etc. See, perfect! (not that I try or try not according to external factors like the weather). So although I don't think I am, I can't help the thoughts of when the baby is due.
And then last night my mother talked about the holiday she's planning to New-Zealand next spring. A holiday she's planing on taking with my father in Pesach time, which is a yay! This year's Sedder was, as I call it, my best worst Sedder ever. It was bad, but I'm no longer in the place where a bad Sedder makes me all sad and miserable, and it is only because my parents attended it. When it's just us sisters we do have a great time. So not having them around for the night (yes, they are aware of this) is a yay, but I digressed. So my mum mentioned the trip (something I already knew about), trying to think aloud when exactly would be best to take a five week vacation, and I'm thinking - Oh my! March you say?? and 5 weeks (f-i-v-e)??? so you won't be around to help with my new born....
Of course I'd prefer the latter scenario than the one in which there is no new born at all around March...
Can someone please press the forward button on time? Because I would really just rather know and the sooner the better. If it's a no, so be it. But if I wait another week, I might start really thinking I am and search for whatever symptoms, and then be so devastated when I get the negative.
* Just to make it clear - I really don't expect my mother to change her plans or have them on hold or whatever due to me.