My Pathway to Motherhood

Where do I begin? I am? I am not? I am? I am not? I am not?

I totally didn't believe this cycle would work. For starts, this is/was the last one before proceeding to IVF, a cycle that must work because I really can't see myself doing an IVF, so much so that it can't possibly work. It can't be that the cycle that has to work will do so only because it has to (I hope you get what I mean). And there was the only one follicle, and going in for the IUI on CD11 (I actually ovulated later that day, so it was a damn good timing, it's just the irrational thought that it's too early..) and the total lack of symptoms..

Then came 10dpo. My temp in the morning had dropped, and I was thinking - yeah, just knew it wouldn't work. But then I had some mild cramps all day, and only at night it dawned on me that hey, that must have been an implantation dip and cramps! Good sign!! But next morning, temp was only slightly higher, so perhaps it wasn't what I thought..

And then it was 12dpo. No symptoms, nothing. Back to believing it ain't going to happen. Until suddenly in the evening my boobs suddenly became sore and sensitive. Like there were these worrier ants marching around my nipples. And I was wow, maybe it is! And I had that going on and off for a few days. My birthday was awesome in the sense that not only did I not know I was not pregnant (didn't test, later on that), the reverse was true - I knew I was! And there was a feeling of wow, also I can do it, I can be pregnant, I can become a mother! But the sensitiveness with the boobs is fading away and my temps are low again (I actually was bad on temping and somehow on the three days when my boobs were sore, didn't temp) and I feel my period approaching. I am back to feeling it is never going to happen, that I will never be pregnant and never become a mother.

And I actually still haven't tested. I didn't want to test on/before my birthday (=14dpo) so as not to ruin my day with a negative, but since it's a holiday attached to a Shabbat, that means I can't buy a HPT until Sunday (didn't want to buy beforehand so as not to be tempted to test..). I was thinking that I do not want to go to the clinic for a Beta until I get a BFP, but now I don't know if it's worth buying a HPT, is it worth getting my hopes up only to see a second faded (declining) line? Maybe I should just go to the clinic and make sure I don't answer the phone when they call with the results? Or maybe just let my period come (I believe tomorrow) and not even bother go in for a Beta? [We don't schedule Beta's here, just go in whenever].

And yeah, I somehow only post negative updates. I just so didn't want to jinx the good news, mainly as it was only my own feeling, not yet with any "official" seal. And I do feel like I jinxed it. Totally irrational, I know (as proven again and again in this post, I am so not rational..), but googling and seeing how "my baby" looks like at this stage, what is happening, that was wrong!

ETA: Yep, she's here. Knocking on the door presenting herself as my Dear Aunt Flow. No! Go away! Oh, well, at least she had the courtesy to come tonight and save me from the dilemma of what to do tomorrow. And yes, another chemical..