Friday, 19 June 2009

IF

First, please go over to Tracey's blog and offer her a big hug. Finally after a very long journey TTC, she and her sister (who was her surrogate) got a whooping first Beta of 300. Second Beta - 196. It just feels so unfair, after all that she's been through, to be getting a wonderful Beta, only to be slapped in the face.


Coming to terms with being an IFer. I was very much against having that word any where near my name. No, I am not infertile! I am just, well..... Mel called it situational infertility (and put us SMCs in the situation room), and with that I could live, but not with being called infertile. I couldn't be a failure also here.

A complete failure in the relationship department. Hardly dated throughout the years (really hardly). Can't even remember my last date, it was so many years ago, like I gave up on that ever happening.
At 18 probably my only serious boyfriend. And you want to know the sad pathetic thing? Some years later, long after that, we got together me him and others from that time period. He then told the story of how he didn't want to join the army a virgin (men..), so the night before he was enlisted he went to a hooker. So sad, as that was the time when we were together (and kind of sad that he completely forgot about us and told this story in my presence).

Then there is my almost no social life. I am a loner and love being alone. But I'm also a human being and love being with people. But I don't know how to go and meet new people and befriend people.

And then there's my career or whatever is left of it. Discipline was so terrible (at school), I just couldn't handle it. I quit the school teaching job I had after a pupil (5th grader, if it matters) was violent towards me and went at me kicking me and throwing a chair (all because I confiscated a card of his..). It was less the pupil's rage that got to me, more the rest of the class (a very small class but boy was their behavior a disgrace, I mean as you are very weak, you get these bonus lessons where it's almost like a private lesson, but all the lesson you do as you please, bothering, moving around in class, talking loudly etc. Yes, ADD and ADHD, unmedicated of course, and I am still training, have no idea how to deal with it. And this one terrible child stirs up the whole class, so almost all the lesson goes on management, almost none on actual learning. O.K, I digressed enough..). As this boy was being violent towards me, I asked the other pupils to call some other teacher, because obviously I couldn't handle it alone. And their look, like I was an enemy and no way will they go get me help. That was such a failure moment. I mean classroom management was always an issue, but here it seemed I couldn't even get them to see me as a person, beyond me being a teacher. After that incident I quit that job (actually more due to the way the school acted, didn't feel like they were too supportive of me..) and kind of put an end to my career as a teacher in a school.

Not to speak of failing to get my teacher's certificate. Just one or two more courses I had to do, a very big paper I had to hand in but just couldn't do it. I mean I procrastinated it too long that it became impossible to do..

Not to mention lack of a driver's licence (was putting money aside for that, but as I am approaching dry months of none or [hopefully] almost no income, that won't happen soon. And if I do get pregnant, not for a long long time) and having a low income.

Wow, didn't mean it to be such a downer post. With all or almost all the above I've learnt to live. So I'm not sociable, do not teach in a school, don't have a boyfriend, rely on buses to move around [and my feet! I do a lot of walking back and forth during the day] etc, but I a-m pleased with my current life. Nevertheless, these are failures in my life, and it couldn't be that also here, in trying to become a mother that I will be a failure. Not there, not where my body is concerned.
And now, I'm slowly coming to terms with being tagged as an infertile. Though still not easy for me to admit so..

P.S
I really hope I haven't offended anyone by saying that infertility is failure.

6 comments:

meandbaby said...

I've struggled with the term infertile too since, we as SMCs, have to take the same route as infertile couples but after meeting such wonderful "infertiles" through the blogging community, I'm okay with being included!

I hope this next cycle is IT for you and I do not consider you a failure in any sense of the word.

Billy said...

Thanks!
Yes, this wonderful community has probably a lot "to blame" for changing my attitude. I am so proud to belong to such an amazing group of people.

battynurse said...

Me and you sound a lot alike in a lot of ways. I too am good with being alone but sometimes would also love having others around. I'm never quite sure how to go about that though and usually have almost no IRL friends that I spend time with regularly. Same for the guy thing. I find myself sitting there wondering what the hell happened.
Hugs to you.

calliope said...

What really sucks is when your situational infertility morphs into regular ol' infertility. I don't think anyone wants to be all woo hoo about infertile- so I totally get your wanting to shy away from the label. I sort of feel like my infertility is a scar that I can cover up or show depending on the day. Some days I am amazed at all I went through- but mostly it pisses me off and makes me sad.

xo

Billy said...

I'm sorry. Didn't mean to say that others take it as a woo hoo. I guess everyone has some kind of difficulty at first with the term. I guess it is surfing now with me because I feel on the crust between being "just" situational infertile and being a "real" infertile.

singletracey said...

You know I thought about this the other day. At some point my IF morphed from situational to the actual fact that my eggs and womb are jacked up.

I do think I am a better person because of the people that I have met through this community. I feel grateful to be cared for and protected by so many. The title of IF some days makes me so sad...usually after large consumptions of wine. Other days I am proud to say that no matter what, no matter the label, I am strong and you can't F*** with me!

For me, my IF is still an open wound and I hope that one day it will be scar I can show and tell when I feel like it.