My Pathway to Motherhood

Have this game I like to play on the computer with background music (all sorts of classicals). Best is to have it loud (really loud) and let the tears just run. And the best of all is the wedding march (or however it's called, you know the classic wedding song) because it is louder than most of the others and well, a wedding song need a single girl like me elaborate?

I think I just flipped it. This IVF thing seems so impossible, how am I supposed to do things?? All the around and stuff, just not for me. For example tried calling IVF place to tell them it's a negative. Can't reach them. Couldn't reach them also before and it is so damn annoying. And I know I'm not the only one, on one of the times I had to go there, there was someone there who said she just came to see what's happening as she can't reach them. Well, not an option for me, I can't just go over to see if they're in. And the not knowing how many cells my embryos were and how many (if) of the embryos were result of ICSI and how many not. I mean that is something I think would be important to know for next cycle, if to do ICSI again or not. [somehow writing is getting me calmer..]. And then do I make an appointment with the dr. or do I wait for my period, and when is it supposed to come?? Phoned the doctor. His secretary had appointments available only next week. I don't know, I do not want to miss next cycle. Maybe I don't need to rush as it will take period some time to show, I don't know, haven't done IVF before. So she wrote me down for a midnight appointment. Yay for that. Yes I am being cynical. Will have to spend the night at my sister's.

And then there was this family gathering today. I so didn't need it. I usually at one point or another need a break and go off, this time I was more away than present. Just couldn't handle all the familiness. And my mother, errrrr. I am sitting eating. There are other people all around, but she - Billy, Billy, bring a chair for [the not yet one year old who was standing holding on to her cousin's pram. I really don't know what was so urgent to bring her a chair and not that it would be useful for her]. While she was calling, I was looking at my brother's wife who has the same name as me, maybe she is referring to her. Well second Billy was in the middle of a conversation and was not even flinching. So my mother carries on - Billy, Billy..... There are all these people around, yes, even the girl's mother and I am eating, and yet I am supposed to bring her a chair.* I just got a negative, there is a limit how much I want to be around the little ones. And yes, I would have been angry too on normal situation, but this was really over the top for me. And then later after I've gone and come back, she just sees me and straight away tells me to do whatever with two year old niece, and I just flipped it. I have a big family, and yes there are quite a few babies and little kids, and I love them, and that two year old.. she is a darling. But damn it, right now I want to mourn my not becoming a mother for yet another cycle, not be auntie Billy.

* In the name of correctness, it seems the chair was for the three year old girl (which does make more sense!) and not for the 10 months old.. Oh but should I mention that the girl's mother was my sister in law, the one with the same name as mine? The one who didn't flinch when the name Billy was called out as it was an assignment call, even if for her own daughter? [but that's for another day and another post, if at all]

EDT
Just went to sleep (and well, I better not post the time of this edit...), and guess who came knocking at my door? (hint: nobody at this time would be knocking on a real door). So I guess I now have an answer to my question (I thought the progesterone might delay it). Though I must say it's strange as just a few hours ago I started feeling it is about to come, which usually means a day or two. And actually to my horror I was lucky to find one last pad (I do have some tampons but I really don't like sleeping with them).

But now I am really doubting doing another IVF this month. I will say that as I am new to this, I really don't know if one starts an IVF right after the previous one, or not or what, but I do know that I hate the thought of not cycling, of sitting out and missing the chance to become a mother. Yes, it's probably only one month and what is one month one might ask. A lifetime would be my reply, 30 days of not even trying to create baby, or 720 hours or 2,592,000 seconds.
Doubting as I made an appointment with doctor for Wednesday night, and I suppose it will be O.K to start stims on CD4. But I would probably also have to have a day 2 (ha ha, a bit late for that..) u/s which means going to the IVF place and getting a referral for that (or even doing it there), but alas - I would have to be approved again for IVF! Which was quick but can't be that quick. So maybe I am not supposed to cycle right after previous cycle? I wish I had a manual for such things.. Anyway, as I am now seeing that doing a cycle now is not really a possibility, I think I will call doctor tomorrow and reschedule that appointment!
And yes, the pity party that took place earlier today is over and out :-).