POASed

After a tough night where I was hardly able to sleep. Yes, I resisted the temptation of testing there and then as I am a day earlier than what I thought I was. So, even so I really felt I am not pregnant (that feeling in the boob, is more in the direction of fading than getting stronger..), I still had a hard time falling asleep in anticipation. And this morning... At about 5:30* woke up (after ahhhmmmm maybe about three hours of sleep), and well...
I did the test not expecting to see a positive result, and lo and behold, I don't see a second line. [actually, in a certain angle I can see a very very very very very very faint shadow of a line., and again only when holding the stick at a certain angle. So probably just my hopes and imagination]. Nevertheless, I am still so very much disappointed. Feeling like enough is enough.

Someone in my forum who has just got a negative on her eighth IUI and heading to IVF posted her about her fears of IVF and about feeling such a failure. One of the women, trying to comfort her, shared her story of how after about 7 or 8 IUIs she continued to IVF and how the 7th attempt was successful. She began the journey at 39 and gave birth to her son at 43 - after almost 4 years of trying! Her point was that all the effort is worth it because there will be a child in the end, but I was thinking - 4 years.. I am going at it a bit over one year (one and a quarter...) and really don't know how I can do this any such longer. Just feels like enough is enough. You had fun long enough, now just give me my baby. And I'm also thinking of becoming a mother at 43. I feel like becoming a mother at 40 will make me an old mother, so 43?? Her child is 4.4 now, and she is almost 50. I don't want that, not with first child. And of course that would mean that I would have to most likely give up on a second child (there's an age limit of 45).

So let me just go to a corner and and feel miserable and sad and like it never will happen. Have to go later on this morning to my GP to get a referral for a Beta (otherwise I have to do it at IVF place, which not only is really not fun getting there, but most likely will telephone with the results, which I really can't. Especially as at around the time they are supposed to phone I will be at a family gathering. If I do it locally, the results will be posted on the web, no call. And yes, locally, as in less than half an hour's walk. IVF place.. 1.5 hours by bus. Only thing is, I need a referral to do the test there.). Kind of feels like what's the point..

* must have been somewhat earlier by this post's publish time....