Hope

Last week, at my retrieval, only four eggs were harvested. I was so disappointed, felt like I completely blew it with the trigger shot (and doctor asking afterwards what happened with the trigger only confirmed that..), that I didn't even want to blog about it (and then there was something nice about not blogging about my cycle for a change :-). But of course I can't for ever hold my tongue finger, so I am blogging now. LOL). Disappointed, as with no hope, absolutely no hope, I mean if previous cycle yielded 10 eggs out of which only four were fertilized (and only three making it to transfer/freeze), what can be said about 4 eggs being retrieved??
But then 2 out of the 4 did fertilize, and were even a nice 4 cell. So I had a day 2 transfere, and hope found it's way back into my heart.
And my boobs. They are somewhat sensitive, and I believe also somewhat enlarged. And I don't know. It is too early in the game for that, and the support this time is stronger, so maybe it's only the support. Which in itself is good news, it means the support is working (last cycle I was a bit worried - how do I know if the support is enough!?). But I can't turn hope off, I can't help but think - maybe I am after all knocked up? Maybe maybe maybe. That damn hope. I so need it to work this time, I really need it. I could have dealt with no transfer and a complete lack of hope, but with this hope seeping in.. I really don't think I can handle a negative, and I'm so scared of this hope. I was kind of better of when hope was gone and I just knew this cycle was lost, now having this little flame of hope in me which might have good and positive outcomes, but might also...

And this wait. How long can two weeks be!? Well actually make it three weeks! You see, as part of the widened support, I was also to give myself 2 HSG shots, which means that I can't really test until the HSG from the shot is out of my system. Next Thursday I will be 10 days after, which might be enough time (but I really don't know since I never tested to see). So maybe I could have a Beta test on Thur. Problem is, if I do get a number higher than 10 and want to see a doubling, I won't be able to test again until the Tuesday after, due to the weekend and Yom-Kippur. So I don't see a point, and a Beta will have to wait till after Yom-Kippur.
Then there's the HPTs. I do think Thursday might be to early, but then when do I test? [assuming Monday, Yom-Kippur, I do not want to test. It is such a holy day, so spiritual, I do not want to be occupied with materialistic stuff like peeing on sticks and waiting to see how many lines]. If I test before Yom-Kippur, and it's a positive, then great. But if it's a negative, I really can't imagine what a night-mare of a day it will be. But then if I don't test... Think I'll see how it goes. Maybe if the sensation with the boobs increases I will test. Not sure.. Anyway, I have about two weeks to contemplate about that...