Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Hope

Last week, at my retrieval, only four eggs were harvested. I was so disappointed, felt like I completely blew it with the trigger shot (and doctor asking afterwards what happened with the trigger only confirmed that..), that I didn't even want to blog about it (and then there was something nice about not blogging about my cycle for a change :-). But of course I can't for ever hold my tongue finger, so I am blogging now. LOL). Disappointed, as with no hope, absolutely no hope, I mean if previous cycle yielded 10 eggs out of which only four were fertilized (and only three making it to transfer/freeze), what can be said about 4 eggs being retrieved??
But then 2 out of the 4 did fertilize, and were even a nice 4 cell. So I had a day 2 transfere, and hope found it's way back into my heart.
And my boobs. They are somewhat sensitive, and I believe also somewhat enlarged. And I don't know. It is too early in the game for that, and the support this time is stronger, so maybe it's only the support. Which in itself is good news, it means the support is working (last cycle I was a bit worried - how do I know if the support is enough!?). But I can't turn hope off, I can't help but think - maybe I am after all knocked up? Maybe maybe maybe. That damn hope. I so need it to work this time, I really need it. I could have dealt with no transfer and a complete lack of hope, but with this hope seeping in.. I really don't think I can handle a negative, and I'm so scared of this hope. I was kind of better of when hope was gone and I just knew this cycle was lost, now having this little flame of hope in me which might have good and positive outcomes, but might also...

And this wait. How long can two weeks be!? Well actually make it three weeks! You see, as part of the widened support, I was also to give myself 2 HSG shots, which means that I can't really test until the HSG from the shot is out of my system. Next Thursday I will be 10 days after, which might be enough time (but I really don't know since I never tested to see). So maybe I could have a Beta test on Thur. Problem is, if I do get a number higher than 10 and want to see a doubling, I won't be able to test again until the Tuesday after, due to the weekend and Yom-Kippur. So I don't see a point, and a Beta will have to wait till after Yom-Kippur.
Then there's the HPTs. I do think Thursday might be to early, but then when do I test? [assuming Monday, Yom-Kippur, I do not want to test. It is such a holy day, so spiritual, I do not want to be occupied with materialistic stuff like peeing on sticks and waiting to see how many lines]. If I test before Yom-Kippur, and it's a positive, then great. But if it's a negative, I really can't imagine what a night-mare of a day it will be. But then if I don't test... Think I'll see how it goes. Maybe if the sensation with the boobs increases I will test. Not sure.. Anyway, I have about two weeks to contemplate about that...

12 comments:

meandbaby said...

I'm hoping right along with you that this IS the cycle for you!!!! Maybe, maybe, maybe! :)

Meg. said...

Oh Billy.

I'm so sorry for the trigger shot drama and your less-than-expected harvest.

But you still have a chance! I know this tww falls on awful timing, and I don't envy you that, but at least you'll have some time for spiritual peace on the upcoming holiday.

Still rooting for you!

becomingwhole said...

Ah, that hope...she got you!

Hoping for you across the ocean.

Shana tova. Hoping it's the one that brings you to motherhood.

Jess said...

I'm so hoping this is your BFP cycle!!!
sending you lots of babydust:)

mekate said...

2 transferred? How great!
I know it did not go as you wanted but this is a great outcome--
hoping for you, and time does pass, the 2ww and the holy day will be over and you can test test test test test.


Wishing you all the best,

kate

The Single Hussy said...

hey, my cycle i thought i completely messed up timing and there was no hope was the one with a chemical pregnancy, so you never know! 2 of the 4 fertilized and transferred, so that is awesome -- as are the sore boobs. :) i've got all appendages crossed for you!

battynurse said...

So sorry about the getting only 4 eggs. I can imagine that was upsetting. Especially after all the drama with the trigger shot. I'll still be hoping for you and that this will be the cycle that works!!

Tanya said...

I'm right here... waiting along with you. Actually, I'll be waiting LONGER than you as I just had an IUI yesterday.

Best of luck with your two!

Jackie said...

So happy to have popped over to your blog. Sending lots of positive waves across the miles for you. It only takes one!!! All the very best and enjoy your holiday.

Jackie

Miss X said...

Good luck, Billy! As always, I really hope and pray this one takes!!

Pundelina said...

Hey Billy, 2 fertilised! That's fantastic. I hope they are busily burrowing in right now.

:o)

Kristin said...

Good luck Billy. Praying hard it works this time.