My Pathway to Motherhood

If it was up to me, I think I wouldn't have told anyone at least not until hearing a heart beat. But when I went onto IVF and needed help, I couldn't withhold information regarding my ttc efforts anymore. I know it's not a curious wanting to know but a caring one, but still it kind of nugs when I get the - is there any news yet, again and again. So I decided Yom-Kipur, when family is gathered (and after I got that second Beta) should be a good time. Also, we have quite a lot of October birthdays, but I think it would not be right to use the opportunity of celebrating a sister's birthday to announce my news. Telling them, meant I also had to tell my brother (he doesn't live in Israel) as he would definitely hear from someone or another and then would get insulted he didn't hear from me. It is not that I don't want to tell, but you know it is still very early in the game.

So that was the telling part, then came the fasting.. Originally I thought there shouldn't be a problem fasting, but seeing a question on a fertility board about fasting and early pregnancy (and more so the answer) I decided I would mostly fast but drink a bit of water from time to time. I ended up having some bread mid day (and the water). I might be a "hero" when it's just me, but I am not going to risk this pregnancy! [Dora - saw your comment only after YK].


Made an appointment today for first u/s and heart beat in two weeks time. Secretary saying how she only has an 23:00 slot, but if I want to make an appointment in three weeks time... Three weeks!? Are you kidding me? I've been doing enough waiting and extra waiting, I am not waiting a whole extra week (as in seven more days or 10,080 minutes or 604,800 seconds) to see my little one and maybe hear the heart and more so have confirmation I am indeed pregnant. And no, completely no symptoms (well almost none, I have this pain that comes and goes in my lower belly). Great not to have nausea (or at least to put it off for a while), but couldn't my boobs be a little sore..

So my appointment in two weeks time (does everything ttc related have to come in a package of a two weeks wait??). I am thinking of asking mother to come along. I know she will be very happy and excited but I am not sure I want her. One reason is physically how comfortable I would feel with my feet wide open in front of her. But then somebody will accompany me in the delivery room, and well.. And maybe it could also be some kind of "test" to see how I feel about her being with me during birth. And to tell the truth, I'm quite egoistic - I'll be lucky if I get to see the doctor at 23:30 which most likely means danger of missing last bus. So having mother come with me (and thus drive me..) could be a solution.

And happiness. Not yet feeling happy. Excited - yes, unable to believe - yes, but not happy. And more than happiness I am waiting to feel this love I felt that other time when I had a positive Beta (24, chemical). It was one day, but feeling this love I felt towards this thing growing in me amazed me. And now I google to find out what my sesame seed is up to these days (more or less deciding which part of it will be a fetus and which the placenta..), and feel nothing. But maybe there is something lost of the naivety of that first wowness of I am going to be a mother when the journey seems to go on and on, or maybe I now need tangible "evidence". Hope I just get to feel something soon :-)


And I am so sorry I am so behind on my blog reading. I am so tired these days and don't seem able to catch up.