What Bugs You

Mel in her ungame post, had the question: "What is something that really bugs you?". [and let me just add that I loved that chaining game. I am not looking to add new blogs to my reader as right now I hardly manage to empty my reader as it is (too many wonderful blogs..), but it was nice peeking into a random blog :-)]

What bugs me? Well many things :-) but let me stick to the big and main bug. My house and how it looks. Messy and not clean. Or should I say very messy and very not clean.. not a place for a baby. And I just can't bring myself to work on it, and that scares me. There are renovations I am dreaming on doing here, and I know that would be a lovely place to be in, making the house fit for a baby. But before I can do any of that, I first need to have the place in a better condition. And I can't seem able to do anything about it. Don't know if it's lack of motivation or energy or what. Yes, I am still quiet tired (though less then before), but that shouldn't stop me! So I won't tackle it all in one, two days, but I should be able to do a little bit here and a little bit there.. But no, I do nada. While ttc, my place was in better and worse conditions, I had my ups and downs in trying to make it clean and tidy, but I always had the "excuse" that it was a difficult time emotionally which left me completely energyless. Not that now I'm full of energy (on the contrary!), but I'm more than half way past the first trimester. Time truly does fly, and only too soon I will be big and heavy and really unable to do much. And remember I still have the renovation I want to be done. I am lucky not to have nausea, I really should start working on my house.

2 in 1 (how's that for a title..)

I think it was Wednesday when I had the cramps. Actually it was so mild I'm not sure I can call it cramps.. And that made me so happy. Googling what's happening this week, I read how my uterus is stretching itself and how I might feel some cramps. Well yes, everything is fine and happening like it should! (although not quite sure I understand - according to what I read, while my uterus is the size of a grapefruit, little Birdy is the size of a grape. That's plenty of space, no? Oh well, my body probably knows best, and if it wants my uterus to expand now, so be it..).
Add to that the no bleeding yesterday, which to tell the truth I kind of expected (the not bleeding, that is) and maybe the time that's passing leading me deeper and deeper into pregnancy, and I am one happy camper. Just feeling so zen about it. And you know what, the almost lack of symptoms, the no morning sickness the very mild (if) nausea, just runs in the family - seems none of my sisters or mother suffered too much from the above. So I guess I'm just lucky :-).
Happy. Happiness has finally sank in :-). As I said, time factor probably has a big part. No, I'm still in the dreaded first trimester and have about another month of that, but hey - by now nothing can go wrong! Yes, I haven't experienced a miscarriage, and surely had I had such a terrible thing happen, I wouldn't be so calm and relaxed, but I haven't and I am calm and relaxed.


I also wanted to talk about this movement therapy I'm doing. This woman who is finishing her training as a movement therapist (well, not exactly sure how it's called in En) offered on a fertility board to guide a group. At the time I was in the middle of my two (three) week wait. I was certain that I was up for another negative, and working on my body, giving it a different, more positive experience than what I was doing to it (you know, all those shots and blood tests and scans and hormones etc). But then came my positive, and I was not sure whether I fit in. After all it is a group for those who are trying to conceive, and I... We were (are, she's going to try "selling" this group again, hoping more people will join) a very small group (only three!). Not sure about my place, it was nice to hear one of the other participants say how my positive makes her optimistic.
And then there was today's session with only me and the above person. We begin each session by telling others what happened this week. And she started (I am always too shy to start..) and what a difficult week she had, fertility and other stuff. Eventually she burst into tears and had a good cry (later she said how it did her good to get it all out). And I was sitting there, not able to put a hand around her or something. As she calmed down, she pointed to me and said it was my turn.. How can I say how wonderful I feel about this pregnancy, how I am in this clam, when she is after yet another cycle that didn't work?? So we decided to start with the moving and later, if I felt up to it, I would talk. And so I told about my "adventures" (including seeing the heart beat [because I missed previous session due to the bleeding] and the bleeding and the shortness of breath [I thought I was coming up with something until suddenly it hit me - it's not me it's the med. Sure enough, googling Gestone, shortness of breath is one of the side effects.. anyway it was only three days] etc). And then she thanks me! Said how hearing all these little details, with the worries and the excitements and all, how this all gives her hope.
Again I am not sure if I belong (back then I still had the bleeding and the somewhat worry that gave me (in my eyes) the right to be. And with the recruiting of new people.. She might be moving the group to a new location which will be too out of the way for me, if that happens, problem solved :-). But I do so much enjoy it.

This is my Sky. She was my companion for about 13 years, and she was such an amazing companion! I got her while I was still living at my parents house, but nevertheless, from the very first moment she knew she was mine. I am still sorry how in one of our first walks I disappointed her - there was this big female dog (I think a bulldog) who stood over her and wouldn't let go, and I was too frightened to do anything.. But she never disappointed me! She was so loving and caring, in fact she helped me not only with Jupiter but also with kittens beforehand, and she even brought home once a stray dog. Probably nothing like your first pet :-). I had to put her to sleep on the seventh of September (2005).

As much as I loved her and as much as she was everything to me, I do believe that all those years with her I was stuck, stayed where I was and didn't really do anything with my life. I had my companion, so why move on!? About a year after her death I started going to therapy with the aim of becoming a mother, and quite soon after I began on my journey towards motherhood.

And now I am almost there :-). And I don't know how I didn't see this before, how it totally escaped me, me who was always looking for signs in the numbers and dates and all, like having an insemination on the 8.8.08 must mean a baby! after all it is a lucky date..
I'm talking here about the retrieval, the day my eggs were withdrawn and met with the sperm, the first day of my future child's life. Don't know how I missed it, but it was on the seventh of September! The same day my dog died, my child was created! I do believe there is something to it and that it's not just plain coincidence.



P.S
Another amazing fact: I am a Gemini, Sky was a Gemini, Jupiter is a Gemini and my baby (due 3 days after my 40th birthday!) will most likely be a Gemini! (oh, and might I add that besides my mother and sister, also all my four grandparents were Geminis..)

Last night I bled again.. As it was much less than last time and as I now know why and what to do, I was much less concerned than last time, but apparently I'm not going to get a smooth pass into the second trimester*. As I am not really having nausea (well I am a bit, but it's so light, I won't really count it) I probably am going to have fun with bleeding..
Anyway, I am to take Gestone for the next few days and then we'll see. Gestone. That's an IM injection, and I blew it last time (with the Pregynal), so needless to say I was a bit nervous with this. I am usually o.k with needles, but it got into my mind that it will be an awfully long and thick needle, something I can not do alone. Last night I dreamt of this huge needle.. And today on the way there, I was wondering who will be able to help me with it (had two people in mind). Well I go and have a nurse give me the injection and ask her to show me. And, o.k she broke the ampule and drew the stuff, and I think as it's a long needle and you need a long one, it's probably going to be the same needle used for the shot, and then I have a look at the thickness of the thing, and OMG! But, yeah, that was just me freaking out as she then changed it into a much thinner one.. (and later, when I asked if the needles I got were o.k, she gave me both kinds, mentioning how you need a thicker than usual needle to withdraw this stuff..).
Another concern of mine was regarding the place. After today, I now know I did have the right place back then (so it was either a needle issue, or a fault with that batch or that my body doesn't respond to Pregnyal). Nevertheless, I have now marked the place :-). And yes, it was really not as terrible as I thought, and I'm sure I can do it alone (just a bit of maneuvering in front of a mirror).

* yeah, l-o-n-g time till then :-)


P.S
On my previous post I had a typo, sorry about that. I meant to ask whether I should call the fetus birdie or Birdie, as in to capitalize or not. But then I saw in the comments what word the last three letters create, and oh no! So, I think I'll go with Birdy..

Oh, and there was another thing I wanted to say on that post and forgot about. Nevermind, she will now get a post of her own..

My Birdie

[warning: scan ahead]

Oh, wow, I'm really turning into a preg blogger..

So, yes, I had my scan last night. Ended up going with both my mother and sister #5 [oh, I'm just saying who it was for my record, so later on if I read old posts, I won't have to break my head over who it was..], which was quite nice. My mother does have a tendency to embarrass me, like when the dr. is asking me all these questions and she jumps in and answers instead of me. Please let me answer the questions, I think I know best.. Anyway...
As for the bleeding - don't remember what (the sac or the placenta or what), but there is a spot where it is not attached to the uterus, maybe sitting on a blood vessel, and that's what caused the bleeding. He was a bit concerned and told me that if it happens again, I am to take Gestone. Lets hope that doesn't happen :-).

And now that I'm done with the gloomy part of this post, let me go to the merry part - I had the scan and all is well. There is a pregnancy sac and a yolk sac and a heart beat. Oh, that is so incredibly amazing to watch - this little blob and nothing yet to it, but a beating heat. I was teary eyes watching it. And my little one, don't know how well you can see from this image, but it so looked like a little bird, so for now I'll be calling it birdie! (or should I Berdie?)

46614

Oh wow, I guess I'm not getting rid of this little bean that easy.. (no, 9 months and the hard way! Gosh, don't want to think of that!).
Thank you all for your support, it meant a lot to me!

Funny, when I thought I probably lost it, when I thought it's going to be a not (because - me pregnant!? please!) I wasn't too sad. Like I really don't feel pregnant, and not just the lack of symptoms [which let me just update - something is beginning to happen in the boob department!] but really the unbelieving that it actually happened, like I was (am) too scared to get attached, in denial, more living in an in-between zone were I'm not having a period but also not injecting or going every other day to the clinic etc. So loosing it was kind of o.k (no, not really, I probably would have crashed if I got a low number today). What seemed totally unbearable is the thought of having to go through all of this again. I just couldn't.

So.. again was asked if pregnant at the lab. Oh, and now there's a new question (since I answered that I hope I still am) - what month are you in..
She put a red 'urgent' sticker on the vial and told me answers are due at 15:00 (so not! it was only in at 15:07, and I know as I was refreshing the page every so often!). And you know, seeing the number (I tried last night to work out what it should be so as to know what to expect. I know I'm bad at maths, but I came up with around 30,000..), I still don't feel that happy feeling. Just feel like I want to cry, oh my god, it really is happening..


MeAndBaby - I wanted to say something about how marvelous it is how we are almost together... but am too scared to jinx it for either one of us, so I'll keep my mouth shut!

... UPDATED

Before I start, just letting you know there will be TMI in this post. Actually, it is the focus of this post, what I am going to talk about. Actually, after writing most of the post, it is worse! Please go away if you don't want to read about, well just go away!

/

/

/

/

/

/

On Saturday, as I mentioned, I had some spotting. It did cause me some worry (especially together with the no symptoms. Wanted to thank you Kate for the link, it helped a lot!), but it was just spotting and I knew it was quite common in early pregnancy. As it seized, I didn't even bother calling the doctor.
Since them I've been cool. Sun, Mon, Tue, Wed and no more spotting! Not one drop of blood. That was till today. Will now continue to mention that the side effect of the Endometrin vaginal tablets I am taking, is that I leak, so when I know I won't be able to change for some time, I use a pad (i.e one for periods). Usually it's more than enough, just a safety precaution. So today, walking in the street I feel a flow. It feels stronger than usual, but I still don't think too much of it. I do my business, then head home, and then again feel a stronger than usual flow. Eventually I manage to take a peek (remember, I was in the street..), and horrified (and very much embarrassed!) to see how my trousers are stained. That much blood. Not spotting anymore but actually bleeding. And yes, was confirmed at home.
But that's not the worst. After giving myself the progesterone tablet, taking out the (applicator?), there was some splutter of blood as can be expected (as I was bleeding not so long before). But then wiping the blood, I come across this piece of flesh. It looks to me like a piece of liver, about 1.5 cm long maybe 0.5 a cm wide and in the shape of a sea horse. Don't think it was my baby (though that was the first thought when I saw it), so maybe a piece of the placenta? And what does that mean? Am I loosing this pregnancy?? Have I already lost it?? Will just add that no symptoms, including no cramps - that's good, isn't it? And yes, I really should have called the doctor on Saturday, as it seems he is out of the country now.

Update (Fri afternoon): After trying a few more times calling the doctor, I called IVF place. I was first told to go to the hospital (woman's ER) as she thought I was still bleeding. Well, good to know for next time..
Anyway I was given this code [as I said in a comment, when phoning I get to an answering machine that requires some kind of code] and got through! Well at first there was a machine, explaining how the doctor is away and giving a name and number of another doctor [actually the one I was thinking of going to originally..] to call in case of an emergency. Hmmm, one should hear this information without the need to enter a code.
Anyway, for our matter - spoke to him. I am to carry on with the progesterone, and then on Sunday do a Beta. For now all I can do is hope for the best (and rest?).

Symptoms

or lack of them.

[warning: TMI ahead]

Was going to write this post about being stressed over not having symptoms. Yes, I guess they are not of the kind you want around and I'm sure those on the other end of the spectrum would love to change places with me. But you know what, in my eyes at least they have constant proof they are pregnant.
And maybe I am having some symptoms but not recognizing them as such, like the tired thing you all said was a symptom (though I am probably somewhat more tired than usuall, I am not a high energy person and I do love to sleep), or the diaherria I was having that might have been "my morning sickness".
And then there was Wednesday where I was really feeling yucky (and said to myself - gosh, it started! and 2 more months of this! urg), and Thursday still not quite o.k, but by Friday it was all gone.

So I was going to write this post about how stressfull it is to not really have symptoms (or to have something that quickly fades away), but then I thought - a pregnancy can't just vanish, can it? I mean if something wrong was happening, then I surley I would have these terrible cramps and/or bleeding? Can't be pregnant one day and not the next with nothing "of interest" happening.
Well, that might be a nice thought, but then sitting minding my own buisness, I suddenly had some spotting. It really is not a lot, but it is blood and it is scary. I've been reading enough to know that a little bit of bleeding may occur and is normal (and of course also had to see what my dear friend Google had to say on the matter), but still ..
Think (hope!) it has stopped for now. If it continues and /or gets heavier (right now I really have to "dig in" for the blood. Oh I warned you about the TMI) I'll call the doctor. In the meantime I'll try and be calm about it.


P.S
Not on my computer and no speller..