Feeling stressed about who will be with me in the delivery room. Sister #1 was the one I asked originally, the one I wanted to be with me and the one I was counting on. I did at some point ask sister #3 to be a backup, but more for the length of the birth than sister #1 not making it at all.
And so today at this family gathering I mention how this week... and she goes on about what a busy week she has. I kind of feel a bit guilty about it, but understand that whatever she will still be there for me. But then she mentions something about not 100% she will be able to, that if it falls on (I am really not sure what it was, I was too shocked to ask or even to want to ask what and when) that she won't be able to. I was/am so disappointed. I mean I didn't ask her yesterday, she knew all along I'm counting on her, and it's not like it's up to me when baby comes. I really never saw that coming, and at the last minute at that! Only the other day I heard this story about how sister #3 planned a weekend away and asked #1 if she could look after the kids who said (with reference to the date) no problem. So #3 booked a place. Only then did #1 say it was not convenient for her (some trip or something popped up). Urg!
So now I don't know if she can be there, or truth be told if I even want her. And I will say that she hasn't come to sit with me, going over what and how at birth, at how she can assist me. I did send her my birth plan because it was important for me that she should know, but if I wouldn't have...
And again trying to think what are my options.
Do I ask sister #3? I did want her origianlly as a backup, but as I mentioned not long ago, I can't really have her as I can't trust she will know to look out for my interests regarding treatment for baby after birth (because if she doesn't think we have a right to ask such things [like no bathing], how can she she demand such care!?).
Do I just leave it just me and the doula?? A woman I don't really know (hoping it will be her and not the backup I asked for in case she can't make it. Because at least I know her, haven't even met the backup)? Do I want to be in my most intimate, most meaningful moment in my life with people who are nothing more than strangers?
Which leads me to thinking again of my mother. She has been there so much for me, helping me in so many ways in these last weeks to get things organized. Without her, who knows where I'd be regarding preparing house for baby. But while I know (or at least hope..) she will be honoured, I myself am not too thrilled of having her there with me. But I do know a mother is a mother, and that if I ask her, she will come with me whatever she has, and I do trust her to follow treatment I request for baby (I remember from my childhood how she made a big fuss about wearing a gown while having an x-ray, so I do know she understands how we patients have rights and we can request things). So I'm going to bed (or not going to bed) wondering who and what will be there with me.
Besides that sudden stress, I am also beginning to be somewhat stressed about baby's arrival. All along my pregnancy I told her how nice it would be if she is born on this Monday (date wise), but how I totally understood if not. And the days going by, and she is not yet born, and I am thinking how she really is listening to me... But now I am starting to worry if she is too long in the womb and if it's not good for her (I hear the phrase about the aging of the placenta only too often..). And if she is not born by Monday (which will be exactly 2 weeks passed the EDD), I will have to go and have this extra monitoring (or whatever you call it in English, the one you should be going to if due date comes but baby doesn't). I don't want to go mainly because I do not want to know her weight, not before she is born (and by me not knowing I mean that no-one will know..). I really feel strongly about this, but I doubt if that's a possibility, if I can have her monitored and (at my advanced week) not have her weight checked.
I think that in the last few evenings I am feeling her much more. When I mentioned this today at the family gathering, I was told it can't be, that on the contrary in the last stages of pregnancy they have less room so they are felt less. But I know what I'm feeling, and I am positive she is readying herself for the great day. So please girl, lets start things rolling! I don't know who will be with me, and truth is I am very disappointed and stressed over it (and feeling how as much as family are there for you and care for you and all, how they can't always be trusted, so it is just us two in this world), but don't let that concern you! Everything will work out o.k, you just come! And yes girl, I am eager to finally see you face to face, so please!