Breastfeeding Carnaval

Welcome to the August edition of Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival: Breastfeeding.
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival hosted by The Positive Parenting Connection and Authentic Parenting. As August is Breastfeeding awareness month, our participants are writing about this exact subject! Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

Trying to begin this post while Butterfly (2.2) is standing by my side nursing (and trying to press the different keys on the keyboard, oh well we'll probably write the majority of the post once she's asleep..). I am so happy and proud to be (still) nursing as we had a very difficult start.

I always knew I would want to nurse and to nurse beyond the first year or two, so I did do a bit of reading about nursing while pregnant. But my focus was much more on birthing because I wanted to have a natural unmedicated birth. I was sure that nursing won't be a problem (because why should it? millions of women nurse...). Well somewhere on my blog (on a very old post) you can read about that birth that went wrong which may or may not be related to issues I had with nursing (a lactation counselor told me they are connnected). Anyway I read, but still had a lack of knowledge. Especially how often a baby can require the breast. It can't be she's hungry!! And with me not having enough milk and the lack of support, I totally did not believe in my ability to breastfeed my child. So I gave formula, mainly formula though never stopped breastfeeding, because while I did not believe in myself, I was going to fight it and have my child have some breastmilk. At five months (exactly!) I got a wake up call. She had a growing spurt and was on my breast for two whole nights. Hey girl, what are you doing? I don't have milk, remember? But still she nursed and nursed and nursed, and I was wow, maybe all is not los [nursing baby (a doll) now. lol] lost, maybe I do have some milk! Unfortunately it was too late to regain sole nursing and I still had to give formula but it was lovely to know that I can breastfeed :-). To any new mother who wants to breastfeed, I would say how important it is to have support. It is so difficult to maintain breastfeeding when everyone around you tells you you don't have enough milk and how it's not the end of the world to formula feed and all (it was for me). I would also like to tell you to believe in yourself!

Many times when she breastfeeds, I look at her in awe. It amazes me how she loves the breasts and to look at her nurse from them.. :-). I did try here and there to take a picture of her nursing, but they mostly came out as a not to show the public pictures, lol, but at least there'll be there for me and her for later in life. 

As to how long I want to continue to breastfeed.. In an ideal world until she weens herself, and I'm aiming at that. But I am also trying to get pregnant again, which means fertility treatments and hormones. Not the best combination with breastfeeding. Luckily my first cycle is a FET, that is a transfer of a frozen embryo, which means no drugs.I know I am not doing the so called right thing by not telling the doctors I am still breastfeeding, but I have read enough on the subject [though I must say, there is little to be found about breastfeeding while going through fertility treatments] to honestly believe that it can be done. If this cycle doesn't work, I will try and see if I can have a natural IVF (again, no drugs), but if not, and the worse comes to the worse I will minimize the breastfeeding (and time the taking of the hormones so maximum time before the next time Butterfly nurses). I really do hope I can get pregnant without stopping to breastfeed (and that I can maintain breastfeeding while pregnant, I did hear it is not easy!). I did wait until around Butterfly's second birthday to get back on the wagon of trying to conceive again so that she will be old enough and if I do have to quit, at least I know I gave her two years of my milk.

***

Visit The Positive Parenting Connection and Authentic Parenting to find out how you can participate in the next Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival! Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Parenting Myth Busted: They Never Stop Breastfeeding - Laura at Authentic Parenting shares how her 4 year old effectively weans herself.
• 7 Tips for Breastfeeding In Public Stress Free -  From baby wearing to using a scarf, Ariadne of Positive Parenting Connection is sharing many helpful tips on how to breastfeed in public stress free.
• Breastfeeding has been Downhill - Jorje of Momma Jorje compares her nursing experiences and finds... it hasn't gotten easier with time and experience.
• A Heartfelt Tip for the Nursing Mamas - Margaux from Young Nesters gives her biggest piece of advice for all present and future breastfeeding Mamas.
• Breastfeeding Carnival - Billy at My Pathway To Motherhood writes about the past, present and future of nursing her daughter.
• Amy W. at Me, Mothering and Making it All Work describes why she loves to advocate for and help nurture breastfeeding relationships.
• To My Nursling - Stone Age Parent dedicates a breastfeeding poem to her child.
• My 3 ½ Year Old Breastfeeds As Much As A Newborn – And That Is Fine By Me - Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama
• Authentic Parenting Blog Carnival of Breastfeeding: Our Sorta Sudden Gentle Weaning - Wolfmother Chronicles
• How to breastfeed while babywearing in a men tai - Lauren at Hobo Mama offers a video tutorial for easy, hands-free nursing on the go in a mei tai (Asian-style) baby carrier.
• My Boobs? Mighty Frickin' Spectacular, Thank You Very Much. - Rhianna from The Other Baby Book shares a post crediting breastfeeding with nurturing a connection not only with her son, but also with her breasts and her body's empowering ability to do its thing.

PUPO!

Very exciting to go with your girl to the place where she was made, where she "spent" the first two days of her life... So yes, finally, I got to cycle. It was weird thinking I am actually cycling because besides doing a lot of monitoring, there was nothing to it (a natural cycle). I was concerned about taking Butterfly with me to be monitored, one of the reasons being not wanting to make it hard on women who are trying for their first. Well the place where I did the monitoring is an all clinic for any health problem, so it's not a big deal bringing her. It was a bit different today when I took her to have the transfer but oh well (if there will be a next time I hope I can leave her with someone at home). The weird thing if this works [and sorry, probably pregnancy brain already, but I can't remember if I mentioned this or not] the embryo transferred was from the IVF cycle from before the one that brought me Butterfly, so if it succeeds there will be three years difference [more or less exactly as the transfer for Butterfly was on the 9th of Sep!!] between the two siblings but actually only a month between them two. This is also why I am not holding my breath too much about it succeeding. For start, the better embryos in that batch were transferred and there was no pregnancy. Also, and this is probably nonsense but, well.. it is three years old! not young. I mean don't embryos have a life expectancy? Can you transfer an embryo that has been retrieved years ago? [okay maybe yes - there was a story about these ancient date seeds that were found (not sure how and what), maybe two thousand years old (I must find that story!) and the scientists planted them because they wanted to learn about the date tree from back then, and while most didn't catch on, there were successful with some! Okay, science edition of the blog ended, though did you see the pictures of Mars from Curiosity? AMAZING!) Okay, I'm babbling. I now have to wait :-)[and make myself a nice cup of hot tea while I have the air conditioning going..]

Perfect Moment

My friend had a pool birthday party for her daughter today (Friday). As we came early and as my daughter looooves water and pools and all, we were the first ones in the pool. But I quickly remembered my waiting to hear from the fertility clinic (and being Friday, made me quite nervous I'll miss the instructions) so I drugged her out of the pool. Luckily I didn't have to wait too long for the call, but now Butterfly would not go back into the water. So while everybody was having a good time in the water, we were playing on the grass and I was hoping for a change of heart while trying to be cool with being at a pool party and not being in the pool.
Anyway, food was brought out and people came out of the pool to eat and a bit of party games and birthday cake and then people began to leave. And then she uttered - pool. Yes, now with most of the people gone she wanted in! (so that's what bugged her..). It was evening by now and really lovely!

So we were having a great time enjoying ourselves. And then she started screaming [or shouting? you know, for the fun of it..] and I, while reluctant at first, joined her.And we were screaming, forehead to forehead in the water and just enjoying the moment.I can't so much explain why it was such a moment. Maybe I too often think of how when she'll grow a bit more or talk a bit more etc and am not in the actual moment of my little toddler. Maybe it was because we were finally in the water or the coolness of the evening or the atmosphere at the end of the party with only a few people left. And maybe it was just simply a mother-daughter moment. I did, anyhow think of it's perfectness at the time and then I come home and open FB and see Lori mentioning the Perfect Moment Monday and while I haven't participated in a very very long time, isn't that a sign saying I should? :-).

title (none)

First I would like to apologize for being so late on my reading. Currently my reader is saying 478 yikes! unread posts :-(. It was this translation job that got me so behind, and then when I can I come and see such numbers and get overwhelmed.... [I can't just erase all and start new, just can't do that, but I will admit that I've learned that it's okay to not read every single post..]. And this translation job, it was hard work but good money (though when I thought about it, with the hard work I put into it, it wasn't so much good pay per hour, but more the fact that I could do it when Butterfly is sleeping [hmmm.. I mean when she's finally sleeping..] and not need to pay a nanny to have Butterfly off me so I can work) but the sad thing is she (the one who I "work" for) is on a break now. I can totally understand her - it is the summer holiday, she is home with the kids, it's hard enough for her she just can't take this extra work [she does this as something extra, it is not her main work]. Oh and did I mention that she's an SMC too? And with TRIPLETS? Yeah, I can understand her not wanting extra work when she has the kids full time, but it does suck a little as it was a good extra income in a difficult financial time. And then there's the FB group I've become addicted too (but I think it's starting to wear off. lol) and of course tonight I'm writing this post so won't be reading any (sorry!!).

Anyway.. that was a long introduction to what I hope will be a sort(ish?) post with an update on things. I wanted this time to do things through the public system. Mainly because of the cost but also it is easier for me to get to the local hospital (where I bought my sperm). But they have all the time in the world (I don't). I believe I wrote about the previous visit. Well at least they were nice. I came back to a really horrid doctor. Two things they wanted were from and endocrinologist to say I'm balanced and a diagnostic hysteroscopy. Well as for the later, I made a mistake and had an HSG. Okay wrong test, but really is that a reason to delay?? And the endo. I gave the dr. a letter saying I am being monitored. I understand my TSH is too high and I don't expect to start treatment, but knowing I am being monitored can't we just put a treatment plan which I will start only when I'm balanced? I mean do I really need to come in again!?! But more than that, he was really horrible and rude to me. 

So I decided that I really do not have time to waste and went to this semi private hospital. Actually it's the same one where I had B done, but now they added a co-pay (or whatever it's called) which is per treatment (I thought it was a once only thing). Sucks but I think it's much better that the public hospital (oh, did I mention how hard it was getting them on the phone when I needed? So I've been this week to them. Avery nice doctor [I could go all private and choose what doctor to work with or I could do what I'm doing and be with whatever doctor who are all top doctors. This first appointment I scheduled to when this doctor who was highly recommend works]. What a difference! As for the hysterscopy, he explained that it's a better test and because I gave birth but didn't make a deal of it. And as for the TSH, only when I'm balanced we will start treatment (as I said, didn't expect otherwise) but we still built a plan. (shortish post!? I must be kidding!). I am now on CD1. In about a week I'll test my TSH levels. If we are a go (please please please, but probably too early) then I'll be cycling. If not, then next month might be a problem as they are on vacation on the week of succot (I think end of Sep.) but hopefully my cycle will correlate otherwise it might be only Oct when I can actually finally start cycling.

I have one frozen embie there so we'll start off with a FET. On one hand it will be totally weird if I do get pregnant with this embie as it is from the cycle previous to the one from which I have Butterfly. So who is the older child!? I am also quite pessimistic it will work because after all the best embryos which were transferred in that cycle did not succeed so why it? On the other hand I can't leave this potential life of mine hanging there for ever. And what if there is a child in it?

The good news about it being a FET is that it's a natural cycle ( I will only be getting a progesterone support) so I'll be okay with breastfeeding. Which by the way I was to tell or not to tell and decided not. I won't lie if asked, but I am not going to have things put off yet again when I've researched and believe that at her age I can still breastfeed.

Okay it's after 2 am. I think I'll join my daughter in slumberland. I hope (I think) I wrote it all. Goodnight!

 - 

Sweet & Sour

First, sorry for being such a terrible blogger.
Second, tonight was a really bad night putting Butterfly to sleep. It is rarely easy with her, but tonight (with no nap this afternoon, and being very tired after the swimming pool, and the heat, and a nervous mother who just wanted her daughter to fall asleep already, etc) it was really really difficult. I am exhausted but I want to write this so somewhere it will be recorded [you know, for B in the future...].

I'll start by mentioning how she got over this barrier of putting two words together, and now does it freely [last time I posted I felt a shift in the air. until then she was quite "stiff" with it]. And I think she is now beginning to realize that she can do three!! Anyway I was going all educational with her [something I try not to..] telling her how this and that animal breastfeeds (has tzitzi [=boob]), and then going on to tell he that the birdy doesn't have tzitzi. And she, learning her lesson says so cutely - no birdy tzitzi.
Okay, now all this introduction was more for the cuteness of it. Anyhow, right after saying no birdy tzitzi, she out of the blue said - 'no daddy' (not sure but I think even - 'no daddy A.nnie', A.nnie being the name she calls herself). I will admit that this is not the first time (maybe the third) and I don't know what and/or how much she understands. I think the first time she said it, I was mentioning her grandfather (my dad..). But it still makes your heart pinch a little.
And then there's the daddy song on the disc. About this kid saying how great his dad is [my dad has a ladder so high it reaches the sky, etc...]. Lots of discussions on the SMC board about whether or not to hear it or skip it and the feelings it causes. I agree with the consensus, saying it is a classic song and you can't keep the world out. My mother suggested changing it ti mummy. Well for start, while I am singing along, it is not me whose singing, and the words are the words.. But more than that, at some point both I and fatherless daughter have to deal with it. Better not starting with hiding behind and avoiding. But again, even through I sing along with a clear mind that I am not going to treat this song any way different, there is still that pinch in the heart. [that plus the song that ends in a side tone - 'so why when I sang him a song that he loves, he closed his eyes and fell asleep']

"A--m no dirty"

or was it - No A.dam dirty ?
[Ad.am being her new baby cousin whom Butterfly loves so much]
While it was prompted by me (I did say - Ada.m isn't dirty*) it was her doing, THREE words!!
Oh and yes, I'll probably tell you every little advancement we make in speech :-).

Just a short post, so let me add that I finally decided yes to go for the translation degree (if you remember back some time ago I was thinking about it, but then I put it aside as in maybe not such a good idea). Besides this difficult test you have to do to get into the program, I do fear I might have missed even the late registration. It does mean a very difficult two or three years but I do hope that in the long run it will give me opportunity for more income.

I have so many little projects, like a story about brushing teeth I'm writing for daughter (almost almost finished writing it, but have trouble finishing it off plus I would then need to find photos to go with it and get it printed) and looking for a suitable how I (as in daughter) came to be SMC + IVF book for kids and not finding anything I like, I am thinking about writing something myself, and being with Butterfly 24/7 and this translation gig, finishing the tabs for my blog, etc. I think I'll drop my - 'oh I'm going to spend my lazy summer learning how to knit' plan....








*I'm cutting short here but really nothing to do with the boy, more with my girl showing me her dirty hands and just saying dirty and me trying to get her to say more asking if A is dirty....

This Week

Oh I have so much to write about, and then my brain is empty and I can't so much remember all I wanted to write about...

 It's been a hard week because for start the summer holiday started which means much less work for me (hurrah to the pupils who still want lessons. July is still somewhat okay, August will be a disaster). Less work = less money, and yes I do put some money aside during the year for these two dreadful months, but it is still hard financially (oh and the heat and humidity!! [as in hard here too...]). And then this woman asked if I could help translate some things for her (paying me, of course). And on the bright side it is extra money (though I haven't heard from her yet. I am fearful it wasn't good in her eyes. I do hope it was because not only would it be a shame not to get paid, but I would also like to get future jobs from her). But boy, is it hard to work with a toddler around! How do mothers to little ones work at home?? I survived this week, and as I've mentioned, I am thirsty for more work, but it isn't easy.

 Today we were walking home and she says - bye mummy (in the hot sun. she is such a comedian :-)). And it's not so much what she said more that I feel it's coming. The other day she said something (I think - more up) and I could "hear" her thoughts the way she was stressing that this was one word and now it's a new one that she is beginning to understand that she can put two words together, whatever two words!

And this evening I had this strange/funny conversation with these two eight year old boys. These are two sweet boys (sweet is an addition from today :-)) I often see playing with their friends at this playground I love going to. They came up to me the other day (the day it suddenly dawned on me, earlier, that they are twins and not just best friends lol) to tell me my daughter is cute. And today they asked me if they can play with Butterfly. Now isn't that double sweet - first for wanting to play with her and then for asking my permission? :-) Anyway I started talking with them and then a father question came up (in the likes of Does her father also speak to her in English..) to which I told them she doesn't have one. They kind of found it hard to understand. So I'm sitting there on the sand with them, two eight year old boys, and how and what do I say to them? I decided that in my daughter's best interest, I do tell them. Not for now, but for the future. For practicing what to say and for practicing flowing with it. Okay I won't go into the whole conversation only a few tidbits, like after [it seemed!] they understood sperm meets egg in hospital [technically Butterfly is from IVF, but I didn't go into that with them] they asked me if that's how their parents had made them..And donor was too hard to understand so I went with a nice guy and the hospital. And then he (other twin wasn't around) couldn't understand how the sperm got into my body. When he finally grasped he pointed down between his legs - oh you mean from there! lol (I thought he was having trouble understanding a syringe... And the twin #2 came back and wanted to understand and twin #1 explained and it was mostly okay, except when twin #2 didn't understand what egg and sperm are and twin #1 whispered in his ear (because it's too embarrassing to say aloud, only I am not sure what term they used but understand they thought - penis and vagina. you know what, okay.....
Later when I saw my sister I mentioned very briefly this conversation. She said I shouldn't have had such a talk with them as I don't know how and what their parents told them/ want them to know. Writing the above,   I probably do have to find some kind of easier way to explain why Butterfly doesn't have a father. But like I said above, for Butterfly's sake (and for mine :-)) I do think that when asked (and if I feel it's appropriate. if I feel it's a nosy person for example, then none of their business. But kids wanting to understand.. that's fine by me) I should tell. How and what is something I obviously need to work on..


Happy belated Canada Day and American Independence Day and futuristic Happy Bastille Day !!!!
(if there is any other nation celebrating an important day, then happy day to you too!)


P.S
I then had a hard time explaining my daughter's peddle-less bike. (no, it's not the one where a parent holds this long bar behind and pushes, and no it's not a tricycle etc etc. I am to bring a picture of the bike for them to see). So maybe it wasn't just the sex no sex talk..
And speaking of the bike, a few of you asked for pictures of her riding it. Well they are too big for her, but they are parked where she has access and almost everyday she goes and takes them for a little walk in the house. Sometimes (though less often which is okay as I want her to befriend the bike and not feel like it's her enemy) sitting on it. I hope she grows tall enough soon and is able to actually ride them!!

P.P.S
I am very late on previous month's assignment, Of course it's now July's. And yes, I really should change that ticker!