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Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Thinking Out Loud

I had a blog (on an Israeli portal, almost dead now) in which I wrote about my teaching career (at schools - more dead than the blog..) and well, about life too. I think I was open and frank and honest there about myself, but I also had people who knew me in real life who read it, so at some point I also felt that I can't write whatever I want. People who know read.
When I started this blog, I decided that that won't happen again, therefore I was adamant about not telling any IRL person. Keep my freedom to write whatever is on my mind.
Except I did tell one person. Yes, that would be Michal. Michal is basically someone I got to know from the virtual world, but she is much more than that. It is an acquaintance that is stronger than just plain friendship. Telling Michal about this blog, well she was on one hand very much involved in my life, on the other I think also more virtual than real life, so it seemed like the right thing to do.
I now feel this has become somewhat dangerous for me [had a thought - maybe instead of "dangerous" I should write "not good for me", as I am well aware that Michal too will be reading this post. But no, dangerous would describe how I feel, and more importantly, this is my blog and I should feel free to write what is true for me. So please, no offence Michal]. Dangerous that only one person knows all what's going on with me, only one person in my life is holding the cards of knowledge about me (yes, cards that I gave). This one person might be caring and wanting to help and being there for me as I believe she is, but also one person who has her own life and beliefs and understandings. One person in whom I trust (and Michal - nothing I am writing here is against you, I do think positively about you, rather it is in favour of me).

I do see now the importance of sharing this blog with IRL people.
There is this friend (someone who is actually sister #5's friend, but who is considered an extra sister, almost part of our family). I did consider, not so long ago, giving her the address of this blog (she does know about it). At the time I decided not to, because though I trust her and know she is good for her word and won't mention anything I write here without my permission, I also thought it wouldn't really be fair for her. Meeting with sister #5 (or any of the lot) and having to make sure she doesn't say the wrong thing.. But I do need an extra IRL reading here. On the down side I can't really count on her reading. Glancing here and there - yes (especially at the beginning), but not really reading (I write long and boring [and I do thank-you guys for staying with me :-)] and with a little baby and a job and studying, she hardly has the time).
So thought went on to sisterhood. What if my sisters know about my blog? Is what I write such a terrible secret? Do I have something to hide from them? True, I might feel sometimes like I'm limiting myself as to what I can write, especially regarding family issues. Looking at my last post, maybe there are things I wouldn't like them to read (Boy, is this tricky. Assuming I do give them the keys to this blog, I can bet they are there right now, searching. So I won't direct them to that post I wrote on the 13th of January סתתתתתתתתתתם*)
Sisters - namely 1, 5, 6 (2 is my brother; 3 doesn't; 4 is me), though I doubt if sister #6 will even have the time to glance, if I do decide on telling, I think I would like to let her know too.

So in short:
> disadvantage - perhaps I won't feel free to write about whatever I want.
> advantage - building a support group, strengthening myself.

*That's for them if they'll be reading. Don't even know if i had a post on the 13.1. Oh and according to morfix, סתם (stam) means: "(colloquial) purposelessly ; (colloquial) simply, just", but I think it's more - just kidding [just so you don't feel left out..].


Michal said...

I'd go for someone from the SMC forum or community - maybe there's someone who you are closer to than others, someone who may evolve into a real life friend and supporter (you can be each other's support system, with time).

Demeter said...

One of the great things about blogs is that you can express yourself without boundries. The rule is that no one is here to judge you. You will see a lot of support in your effort to become an SMC. Feel free to vent out, or say what is really in your mind without fear of judgement. Hopefully you will find some long lasting friendships as a result of sharing your thoughts, fears, wishes, dreams, etc.

Debbka Studio said...

I'm popping in for my 1st visit here and am impressed with reading your material and entering your world.
Thankyou for sharing it with me!
If I were you, I'd write without inhibition, just let it flow. So maybe I 'll get a chance to glance closer to the inner you, maybe that would be your gift to me - to let me in :-)

sis #5 (I had to count again to make sure. LOL!)