So. I guess I should be heading on to the next cycle. Good thing I have done all the tests. Now need to put them together and see that I have everything. Don't yet have the results of the PAP (should have it in about a week), and I have to go to the doctor that checked the lump in my breast to say I'm O.K and try the sperm bank for my AIDS test (they have a copy [actually the original] and I lost mine and they (is it called HMO?) don't post the results of this test on the web). Other than that, I should have it all. So that's so far as the technical side is concerned. I'll focus now on finishing collecting the data, leaving the panic of how/what/why/when to later.

As for the emotional side.. how do I hurt the least? How do I disconnect from even knowing I'm in the 2 weeks, waking up the day after - either pregnant or not, but totally not caring if I'm not? Maybe next cycle I should try a different approach - test from as early as possible. My tactic so far was to test as late as possible (if at all). Obviously this is not working for me. Maybe if I start testing early, and see those BFNs one after the other (you know, if for some strange and unknown reason, next cycle doesn't get me knocked up..) I won't be so devastated (though that won't help for those chemicals).

Just feels so unfair. Why? Why can't I go beyond 4 weeks pregnant? Why if I do manage to get to implantation I can't get any further? Is my uterus such a terrible place that once the embie sees where it's supposed to spend the next 9 months that it says "no thank-you" and leaves???

Where do I begin? I am? I am not? I am? I am not? I am not?

I totally didn't believe this cycle would work. For starts, this is/was the last one before proceeding to IVF, a cycle that must work because I really can't see myself doing an IVF, so much so that it can't possibly work. It can't be that the cycle that has to work will do so only because it has to (I hope you get what I mean). And there was the only one follicle, and going in for the IUI on CD11 (I actually ovulated later that day, so it was a damn good timing, it's just the irrational thought that it's too early..) and the total lack of symptoms..

Then came 10dpo. My temp in the morning had dropped, and I was thinking - yeah, just knew it wouldn't work. But then I had some mild cramps all day, and only at night it dawned on me that hey, that must have been an implantation dip and cramps! Good sign!! But next morning, temp was only slightly higher, so perhaps it wasn't what I thought..

And then it was 12dpo. No symptoms, nothing. Back to believing it ain't going to happen. Until suddenly in the evening my boobs suddenly became sore and sensitive. Like there were these worrier ants marching around my nipples. And I was wow, maybe it is! And I had that going on and off for a few days. My birthday was awesome in the sense that not only did I not know I was not pregnant (didn't test, later on that), the reverse was true - I knew I was! And there was a feeling of wow, also I can do it, I can be pregnant, I can become a mother! But the sensitiveness with the boobs is fading away and my temps are low again (I actually was bad on temping and somehow on the three days when my boobs were sore, didn't temp) and I feel my period approaching. I am back to feeling it is never going to happen, that I will never be pregnant and never become a mother.

And I actually still haven't tested. I didn't want to test on/before my birthday (=14dpo) so as not to ruin my day with a negative, but since it's a holiday attached to a Shabbat, that means I can't buy a HPT until Sunday (didn't want to buy beforehand so as not to be tempted to test..). I was thinking that I do not want to go to the clinic for a Beta until I get a BFP, but now I don't know if it's worth buying a HPT, is it worth getting my hopes up only to see a second faded (declining) line? Maybe I should just go to the clinic and make sure I don't answer the phone when they call with the results? Or maybe just let my period come (I believe tomorrow) and not even bother go in for a Beta? [We don't schedule Beta's here, just go in whenever].

And yeah, I somehow only post negative updates. I just so didn't want to jinx the good news, mainly as it was only my own feeling, not yet with any "official" seal. And I do feel like I jinxed it. Totally irrational, I know (as proven again and again in this post, I am so not rational..), but googling and seeing how "my baby" looks like at this stage, what is happening, that was wrong!

ETA: Yep, she's here. Knocking on the door presenting herself as my Dear Aunt Flow. No! Go away! Oh, well, at least she had the courtesy to come tonight and save me from the dilemma of what to do tomorrow. And yes, another chemical..

Pictures

Today I am ending my 39th year here on Planet Earth and beginning my 40th :-). How I love the fact that my favourite holiday (Shavuot) usually falls around my birthday, this year being exactly on! To celebrate with you guys, I'll show you some pictures of me throughout the years:

A while back, in one of the film shows my father sometimes has*, I saw this picture and it kind of hit me. In recent years my father has made a lot of effort to amend his wrong doing of the past, and today he is a great dad, but growing up was a different story. Back then he was really awful and nasty to me. Anyway this picture made me realize that sometime before that, before all the bad that was between us, he was a newly father to this little baby who was just born. And one can see how proud and happy he was. It was such a wow for me.


I was born with a big mass of black hair. My mother used to tell me how people thought I was wearing a wig (something that really puzzles me - why would
anyone think that a baby is wearing a wig, however abnormal her mass of hair is!?), and I always translated it to - what an ugly baby I was, with all that hair. And then not so long ago (actually in the same film show as above, it was a very revealing one!), looking at baby pictures of myself, sister #1 commented and said - "You were such a beautiful baby" (she's seven years older than me). That took me completely by surprise!



First of September, first day of school here. The excitement of going back to school :). Not sure what year this pic was taken, but my guess would be 1979, when sister #6 joined us in the joys of homeworks and tests and teachers summing parents and all that fun ;-). Note how neat and tidy we are. We would look like that probably until the end of the week. LOL. Now let me introduce you to the gang - Behind are brother; sis #3; sis #1. In the front are sis #5; me; sis #6.




I would put my money that this photo was taken on first day of scouts, maybe even on first day ever going to scouts. See how I am so neat, with my shirt tucked in nicely and my hair all good. That, and the lack of a scout's tie.. But I love seeing what a cute little girl I was :-).




Probably 18 here. Boy, would I love to be in that body again :-).




And finally, this picture was taken a year ago, just after I had my hair cut (I am now trying to grow it long). I so love it. I usually don't like pictures of myself, but this one.. I immediately turned it into wallpaper on my computer (up till then, I had Microsoft's clouds as background, never feeling fit to put something of myself). So yes, I am waiting the day when my little one will adorn my computer, but until them I love being able to look at myself and feel good about it!



And not a picture, but about two months ago I did something for the first time! I heard the song I was named after. I won't reveal here my real name, so I won't say what song it was, but wow, it was so soft and tender. And the love.. so full of love. My mother, all these years, quoted me the chorus, and there is love there, but somehow it was so different when I actually heard the song. It was so sweet, and so lovely to know that my name was conceived in love!!

* My father loves photography and took many pictures when we grew up (hmmm... still does till this day..). Many of the pictures he took back then, he had developed as slides, so here and there (nowadays) he has (more so - tries to have..) slide shows in which he shows us these pictures.

Eight is the number, I say!

(Well seven actually, but who's going to argue with a meme..)


The Rules:
1. Mention the person who tagged you.
2. Do the meme.
3. Tag 8 bloggers.

So.. I've been tagged by Becoming Whole to do an 8x8 things you did will do etc. Don't know if I'll be able to come up with 8 for each (any) category, but we'll see..

8 things I am looking forward to:
1. Ending this TWW!
2. My birthday :-)
3. My nephew's birthday (a day after mine. in fact we were coming home from celebrating my bd, when sister's water broke..)
4. Shavuot
5. Of course being pregnant (whether now or not)
6. The day when my house will be spick and span and everything will be in the right place..
7. Not the summer holiday [school vacation], but the beginning of the next school year (work..).
8. Reaching a BMI which will say - normal weight (very close! about 1 more kilo to go).

8 things I did yesterday:
1. Bought ingredients for a cheese cake (my favourite type of cake!).
2. Bought ingredients to make gingerbread man cookies.
3. Bought ingredients to make a quiche
See, told you I'll have a hard time finding 8..
4. Worked...
5. Computer.
6. Climbed a lot of steps! (third floor, then 6th)
7. errrrrrr..... really can't think of anything else..

8 things I wish I could do:
Nope, nothing comes to mind. At least nothing I would like to share..

8 shows I watch:
Hmmm... for someone who doesn't have a TV set :-D. So not what I watch [except no. 3 - I watch that with my mum..], more what I like watching.
1. CSI
2. Law & Order - SVU
[and the likes]
3. Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grade
[and any general knowledge quiz show].

8 favourite vegetables:
[actually I was supposed to choose 8 fruit, but my mind was thinking of all the veggies I can't list, while fruit.. I love them, and dates will be my top, but I really don't think I could choose eight].
1. Broccoli
2. Mushrooms
3. Onions
4. Tomatoes
5. Carrots
6. Spinach
OK stuck here, so I will finish off with some fruit..
7. Dates
8. Watermelon

8 places I'd like to travel to:
Hmmm... is there a place I wouldn't like to travel to!? But I'm asked for eight, so..
1. New-Zealand
2. Lapland
3. England & Scotland
4. Nepal
5. Bhutan
6. China
7. Cuba
8. The moon..

8 places I've lived:
1. The town in which I grew up.
2. The town in which I live today.
3. Bournemouth, England.
4. Be'er-Sheva, Israel.
5. A kibbutz by the Dead Sea.
6. Along the Jordan Valley (during my military service, if that counts).

8 people I'm tagging:
[In honor of it being an eight meme, I went down my blog roll and chose every eighth blog (well actually two I had to skip - Lost & Found and another inactive blog)]
1. Emptyhug [well she hasn't written for a l-o-n-g time, and I can't really tag her (or put a link) since she turned her blog private, but I miss her and was thinking about her lately and funnily enough she's #8 on my blog-roll..]
2. MyBabyQuest
3. Surviving Single Motherhood
4. Couldyoumaybe Baby
5. Single Mummy by Choice
6. Baby for 1
7. PhD, OLR, TPCK, TPD: A life of letters
8. The Crooked Path

Tick Tock Tick Tock

or rather

T - i - c - k ~ ~ ~ T - o - c - k ~ ~ ~ T - i - c - k ~ ~ ~ T - o - c - k

Time is going by so slowly! I am so sure I am not pregnant and just want the conformation. No reason really to feel this way, since even when I did have the chemical, I didn't have any symptom, and I'm only finishing my first week so I know it's still too early in the game for anything. But maybe 7 unsuccessful attempts leads me to think that - na, it won't happen just like that. Maybe it's just that I can't picture myself a mother, that is to really imagine myself being a mum and not just fantasizing about it. I know I should have a more positive attitude, that the negativeness has an effect, but still..
When I started this journey, I told myself it will be a long and a very tiring one, that it will not be easy, but I also somehow "knew" I won't be doing IVF. And now this was the last one before the 'big' IVF , and if I'm not knocked up that's where I'll have to go, and I so don't want to (yeah, no one does it just for the fun of it, but I am ranting here about myself..).

But although I don't believe I am, I'm still thinking of the timing and what a great one it is. How on one hand I won't have to be 8,9 months pregnant in the hot humid & sticky and hot (can I say hot once again?) summer and how since I should deliver towards the end of winter/beginning of spring, how new born baby won't have to be wrapped up and all and how first winter will be when s/he will be one years old etc etc. See, perfect! (not that I try or try not according to external factors like the weather). So although I don't think I am, I can't help the thoughts of when the baby is due.
And then last night my mother talked about the holiday she's planning to New-Zealand next spring. A holiday she's planing on taking with my father in Pesach time, which is a yay! This year's Sedder was, as I call it, my best worst Sedder ever. It was bad, but I'm no longer in the place where a bad Sedder makes me all sad and miserable, and it is only because my parents attended it. When it's just us sisters we do have a great time. So not having them around for the night (yes, they are aware of this) is a yay, but I digressed. So my mum mentioned the trip (something I already knew about), trying to think aloud when exactly would be best to take a five week vacation, and I'm thinking - Oh my! March you say?? and 5 weeks (f-i-v-e)??? so you won't be around to help with my new born....
Of course I'd prefer the latter scenario than the one in which there is no new born at all around March...

Can someone please press the forward button on time? Because I would really just rather know and the sooner the better. If it's a no, so be it. But if I wait another week, I might start really thinking I am and search for whatever symptoms, and then be so devastated when I get the negative.

* Just to make it clear - I really don't expect my mother to change her plans or have them on hold or whatever due to me.

Show & Tell #4

I had a dream of moving up north, to the pastoral Galilee, to live and raise my kids (hmmm... I can't see myself ever a mother, but I still dream of kids and not just one child) there. I still want to do that one day, but I also do not want to give up what I have here - my family.

Where I live, with my mother and sister #3 as neighbours (and father and another sister nearby), we're kind of the "centre" of things. I mean for starts I wasn't planning on moving before my child was of such and such an age (no particular age in mind, maybe a few months when I got the hang of motherhood and can go live far from the rest), because as a single parent I probably would need plenty of help. But I see this familiness, and besides wanting to be here for my selfish reasons, I also want to be part of this, and not someone who comes down once in a blue moon. I see my little niece and nephew (=cousins) playing together, and I want my child to be part of this.

And I love it when kind of spontaneously everyone comes over (more so I love the fact that since it's here, I can have my moments when it's enough and go and zoom out and come back later. Something that I can't do if it's not my house, and I do have those moments and do need my time out).

Today (or rather yesterday) was such a day. People came and it was a nice day. At one point the mulberry tree was invaded for its delicious fruit, and it was so funny looking at them picking, I just had to go get my camera (no, I didn't join the fun). So here's a first peep at some of my family members - my mother, two of my sisters, two of my nieces and a brother in law.

Now go and see what the rest of the class are showing for show and tell!

cycling

First (and completely unrelated to post), I hope I don't repulse anyone (I'll put this in a pale font so you can easily skip it), but OMG, OMFG - I just came home, went straight to the computer to write this post, and what do I see by my chair?? A dead bird, a pigeon, somewhat eaten. No idea if the cats just found the bird dead or if they killed it, but why did they have to bring it into the house???

Well today I had an IUI :-). Yesterday I went in to start my ovulation tracking at CD 10, and what do you know - I have a lining of 8.5 and two follicles: an 11 and an enormous one of 21! I think usually the maximum by day 10 is about 13. Unfortunately, instead of growing several follicles, the hormones went all into this one follicle.

The atmosphere at the clinic was really lovely. I was sitting "trying" to do my sudoku, actually trying to listen to the conversation of these two women who I thought were from my SMC forum. Well no they weren't (their husbands just didn't come), but I joined them and we sat there talking (had quite a long wait, always is on Fridays - the banks close early while the doctor on duty comes to the clinic only after he finishes his morning shift at the hospital). Besides us three, there were two other couples, all friendly. Usually everyone is focused on themselves, today it was nice.
After the IUI (which was a bit painful), I lay there in the chair, totally relaxed even closing my eyes until I decided it's time to get up and leave.
And now the TWW. Two weeks.. my birthday is towards the end of the wait (in 13 days, but whose counting :-D), which is really nice since I will (hopefully be able to!) assume I'm pregnant on my birthday, even if I'm not (I won't POAS beforehand).

one word

NEGATIVE!!!

Just to clarify: the above is regarding the biopsy I had - I've got the results today, and I don't have cancer. I did start injections the other day in hopes and belief that I'm clear, but only this evening I've got the O.K

[and to celebrate this, there are currently fireworks outside :-) {it's bonfire night here in Israel}]

Hopefully cycling :-)

Starting to build up my excitement - my period's here! Though I think that only "tomorrow" will count as CD1 as it is already midnight. Which means taking my temps again, which means waking up early for that... [and I am completely not a morning person.. oh well, most mornings it's wake up, take temp and go back to sleep]. [Gosh I knew I was forgetting something - and folic acid and prenatals..]
I was trying to figure when I would like to get my period - not too late so as not to have my PAP while still bleeding (I know most of you had a day 2 scan, and that they are used to it, etc. If I'm requested to of course I will, but would really rather not..), and not too early so I can get my biopsy results. And you know what - period came at a perfect timing :-). [oh, both PAP and biopsy results will be on the same day..]
So.. assuming Tue is CD1, I'll start the gonal on Fri (day 4), even though I won't yet have the results of the biopsy. I figure that in the worst case scenario in which I do have cancer (which I really doubt) it might not be the best these few days of injecting hormones, but it will only be a few days, and I am on a low dosage. On the other hand, because of a few days to miss another cycle??