If it was up to me, I think I wouldn't have told anyone at least not until hearing a heart beat. But when I went onto IVF and needed help, I couldn't withhold information regarding my ttc efforts anymore. I know it's not a curious wanting to know but a caring one, but still it kind of nugs when I get the - is there any news yet, again and again. So I decided Yom-Kipur, when family is gathered (and after I got that second Beta) should be a good time. Also, we have quite a lot of October birthdays, but I think it would not be right to use the opportunity of celebrating a sister's birthday to announce my news. Telling them, meant I also had to tell my brother (he doesn't live in Israel) as he would definitely hear from someone or another and then would get insulted he didn't hear from me. It is not that I don't want to tell, but you know it is still very early in the game.

So that was the telling part, then came the fasting.. Originally I thought there shouldn't be a problem fasting, but seeing a question on a fertility board about fasting and early pregnancy (and more so the answer) I decided I would mostly fast but drink a bit of water from time to time. I ended up having some bread mid day (and the water). I might be a "hero" when it's just me, but I am not going to risk this pregnancy! [Dora - saw your comment only after YK].


Made an appointment today for first u/s and heart beat in two weeks time. Secretary saying how she only has an 23:00 slot, but if I want to make an appointment in three weeks time... Three weeks!? Are you kidding me? I've been doing enough waiting and extra waiting, I am not waiting a whole extra week (as in seven more days or 10,080 minutes or 604,800 seconds) to see my little one and maybe hear the heart and more so have confirmation I am indeed pregnant. And no, completely no symptoms (well almost none, I have this pain that comes and goes in my lower belly). Great not to have nausea (or at least to put it off for a while), but couldn't my boobs be a little sore..

So my appointment in two weeks time (does everything ttc related have to come in a package of a two weeks wait??). I am thinking of asking mother to come along. I know she will be very happy and excited but I am not sure I want her. One reason is physically how comfortable I would feel with my feet wide open in front of her. But then somebody will accompany me in the delivery room, and well.. And maybe it could also be some kind of "test" to see how I feel about her being with me during birth. And to tell the truth, I'm quite egoistic - I'll be lucky if I get to see the doctor at 23:30 which most likely means danger of missing last bus. So having mother come with me (and thus drive me..) could be a solution.

And happiness. Not yet feeling happy. Excited - yes, unable to believe - yes, but not happy. And more than happiness I am waiting to feel this love I felt that other time when I had a positive Beta (24, chemical). It was one day, but feeling this love I felt towards this thing growing in me amazed me. And now I google to find out what my sesame seed is up to these days (more or less deciding which part of it will be a fetus and which the placenta..), and feel nothing. But maybe there is something lost of the naivety of that first wowness of I am going to be a mother when the journey seems to go on and on, or maybe I now need tangible "evidence". Hope I just get to feel something soon :-)


And I am so sorry I am so behind on my blog reading. I am so tired these days and don't seem able to catch up.

Perfect Moment Monday: Thursdays

I Capture
Perfect Moments.

I have this two part perfect moment every Thursday when I pick up my four year old nephew from kindergarten.

Outside the place there is this playground with some nice shadow giving trees and some benches to sit on. Not far there is an elementary school, and there are always kids playing in the playground. It is also very near a 6 year high school, so there are these teenagers walking past the playground on their way home. And I just love sitting and watching. I love watching people, more so I love looking at children, how they play, how they interact..

Then the clock ticks 13:30 and it's time to pick up the kid. He is such a chatter box and I so enjoy listening to him. He would start by asking me if I want to know XYZ (or - why XYZ) and before I have a chance of saying "yes", he starts telling me. And I love our conversations we have while walking home. I get to learn why his big brother is so tall (and he is.. a meter eighty something [over 6 feet] at the age of 14), and how when he'll be as big as his brother etc etc etc (yes, he probably admires him..). Just a perfect moment that gets repeated every week for the 15 minutes it takes us to walk home :-).

Now go and see all the other perfect moments!

My Womb and odds and ends.. UPDATED

First thank you all!
I just can't believe it. Going back and forth between looking at my Beta number on the site and staring at the pee stick, mumbling to myself - "I am pregnant".
And I'm going between - Wow! I'm pregnant. I have a baby growing in me. I'm going to be a mother; to - What have I done! I'm pregnant. I have a baby growing in me. I'm going to be a mother. Yes, I am very scared of this new journey ahead of me.

That night I couldn't sleep, and was so exhausted the next day. Happens that sister was here (at my mum's) with her kids who woke up from nap screaming. Sister was dealing with big girl, and I was handed baby boy. Hmmmm... a screaming baby who I could not calm down* while I myself was exhausted being my first encounter with a baby since I got the positive.. nice "first" glance into motherhood... LOL.

Regarding a second beta, found out IVF place will be open tomorrow morning! It's bit of a nuisance as I didn't want to wake up early on Sunday, but hey! I'm not waiting to Tuesday for the second Beta to see that everything is o.k. I just hope results will be in before Y.K.

And yes, title promised something about my womb. I wanted to show you this picture

(Drawn by Yaeli Ziv for the Beit Issie Shapiro.)

On the day of the retrieval, sister #5 helped me out with the tank (getting it from IVF place, then going to bank and back to IVF place). As it also was the day of retrieval (I thought it would be a little later in the week), she was also there with me for the procedure. And sister #5, she is such a pampering gal! Anyway, while telling me not to look, she wrote me this card with above picture. One look at that picture, and I knew it is exactly how my womb looks like! And afterwards with my two embies transferred.. I really don't know if I have one or two inside, and I kept saying to them that it doesn't matter if only one of them sticks around, but these are my pre-born children playing in nature in my womb :-).


* I do take into account that he is not my child. It is not me he is used to, and not me he wants, especially for comfort, add to that not knowing his needs (was he hungry, tired, just furious, a radar of his screaming sister, etc).

1 9 4 7 !!

OMG

OMG, OMFG!
For the fun of it decide to have a last peek at the site. Really not expecting anything at almost midnight. And oh my god - not only does it have an answer (at long last), but a whooping 525!
525! OMG I am shaking! Of course I rushed to give myself some progesterone. 525 IU/l. Can't be! I am only on day 17, isn't that high for day 17?? Definitely high enough to not be residues of the Pregnal I took on Monday a week and a half ago. There must be some mistake! Probably switched the results!
And I so do not feel pregnant! Was so crying out this cycle. I am so peeing on the stick as soon as I have pee (unfortunately have just went..).
Oh. My. God!

Are You Pregnant?

This is a question I am always asked at my lab when I come in for a blood test. I asked once about this habit (you know, not exactly the question someone going through fertility treatments wants to hear..), and was told they were required to ask every woman who is of fertile age. The nurse at the time quickly added how she wouldn't ask a 16 year old as that won't be appropriate (she would just fill in in the computer - not pregnant). Hmm.. are blood tests handled differently in pregnant women!? because I could think of more cases where such a question is not o.k, like a woman who just had a loss or a woman who was raped or a woman who wants kids but her partner doesn't or a woman who wants kids and doesn't have a partner and doesn't yet know she can do it alone, etc.

Anyway, apparently not so smart nurse asked me this question this morning when I came in to have a Beta - aka pregnancy test - done!

Was going to carry on saying how the test revealed what I knew - that I'm not pregnant. Was going to say how I knew so from Monday. How on Sunday I was still with hope, even thinking that yes maybe I really am, and how on Monday it hit me that I'm not. Was going to talk about how I decided to do a Beta today, even if it's borderline regarding the HSG I had as part of the support as I do not want to wait until Tuesday since I know I am not (otherwise I would have done a HPT on Fri or Sat or Sun or maybe more than one test depending on result, and would have done a Beta on Tuesday allowing me to come in the next day or the day after to see if it doubles. I will remind you that weekend+Yom Kippur = lab closed on Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon). Was even going to make an appointment with doctor. Was.. I don't know if it's not so smart nurse who I should blame, or maybe it's just the internet site or maybe it's the lab's fault - but it is seven o'clock in the evening and I still don't have results!! Which probably means I will not have those results until Tuesday. Hmmm, whole point of coming in today was that I didn't want to wait with the negative answer (I figured if the HSG was still in effect, I would have a very low Beta. If by any chance I am pregnant, I'm already on day 17 since retrieval so Beta should be a nice number).

Even though from Monday I knew I am not, I still kept taking the progesterone suppositories. You know, you don't stop taking until you get an answer. Haven't yet taken today (I take it three times a day, so should have actually already had two doses by now), and I don't think I will. I know I am not pregnant, 100%. My body is very good at telling me this (btw, it was not cramps I had reported the other day, just a feeling of an approaching period..). I am just thinking if I should just verify it with a HPT or not, as they are bloody expensive and I prefer not wasting it on what I know is a negative. On the other hand...

P.S
Moral of story? Next time ask doctor to put urgent on referral!

P.P.S
I have been a bad blogger lately as I really was not apt to reading blogs (or my forum or really any internet activity). Sorry !

Sitting Arrangements

(a rant)

Every time it happens and every time I get upset by it. Many times previously I tried picking a seat before. This time I thought I'd go with the flow, let them be seated and only then find a seat. But then sister tried to arrange who sits where, and again.. These are a couple and they just have to sit together (even though they see each other every day.. I really don't get what's the big deal, why is it so holy that they sit together), and then that's a mother with a little child, and she just has to sit near her baby and that has to be over there. I know it makes sense and all, but it kind of feels that since I am single and childless, that I can be shoved anywhere, and that I have to compromise because I am of less importance. I'm sorry if this may sound stupid. I know it is, but it gets to me every time.

Anyway just a rant, during my usual break I have to take in these family things. Back to desert (cheese cake!).


P.S
I'm sure this mild period "pain" I have, not really cramps, just a very mild feeling of a due period, and all the thoughts of is it it or is it just another period on its way. I mean it can't be a period, can it? I am on support, so I shouldn't be getting a period, right? But then it can't be a pregnancy sign, don't know but it really doesn't feel so. And the boobs. Long lost that feeling of sensitivity I had the other day [well it was after an HSG injection + progesterone supplement + estrogen. kind of no wonder..], but still not completely "regular", but then again progesterone does have that effect, so it really means nothing. And maybe I should test, oh I just want to test, can't I just have a test?? (had an HSG shot last Monday, so no, I probably can't test, unless I want to see a false positive..). Anyway, this all is probably making me extra emotional..





And S h a n a T o v a :-)

Birds (show and tell #7)

As I mentioned in a previous post, on a tree opposite the window from where I blog, there's a bird's nest. It is a bit too far to see with the naked eye, and it took me sometime to establish it being a nest (now beyond the knowledge, the little ones are bigger and much more moving, so it is much more clearer it's a nest.. Oh, I hope I'll be able to see flying lessons!).

And I just love watching this nest! Unfortunately this tree has decided to grow lots of leaves in the lost few days (autumn fall isn't supposed to be the season when leaves fall of a tree?) ,and now not only is it too far but also not always visible.

And I am so enthusiastic with taking pictures. Yes, I have a lot to learn, I really do not learn how to use my camera and am looking forward to doing some kind of course, but for the meantime.. And it really is fun playing around with features, and not having to worry (I trust that I can't really do damage to my camera, or so I hope :-)). As I mentioned, with the camera I also bought a wider lens, but only last week had finally the courage to try it out (nest to blame! couldn't see anything with the usual one..). So I attached it, and didn't really understand why it's not such a zoom, but oh well. and here's more or less what I got

But then the other day, as I was taking out or putting away that lens and playing around with it, I made a [please don't laugh] a discovery - if you turn the lens in the middle (and not at the end, which I did, but only made the lens somewhat wider, narrowing down everytime I tried to take a picture), well if you turn it in the middle, the lens becomes much longer! So now I'm enjoying that game :-).
See how big these baby birds are! (and oh, I had to brighten the pic because it was to dark. I really do not know how to play around with the editing features and how do you know how much to brighten and all, but I'm kink of less concerned about that..)

And did I mention how excited about the whole thing (bird nest and photographing) almost everyday I take out my camera and aim at that nest? And did I mention that that tree is right by my neighbour's house, and my camera is not far from their window? Here, this is the window right below the nest

There is another one above it.. I take these pictures feeling so embarrassed, hoping they don't think me for a peeping Tom or something..

P.S
You think I am now enthusiastic??? Wait till I do this course...

Now fly fly fly over to Mel's place, and see what the rest of the class has to show at Show & Tell!

Hope

Last week, at my retrieval, only four eggs were harvested. I was so disappointed, felt like I completely blew it with the trigger shot (and doctor asking afterwards what happened with the trigger only confirmed that..), that I didn't even want to blog about it (and then there was something nice about not blogging about my cycle for a change :-). But of course I can't for ever hold my tongue finger, so I am blogging now. LOL). Disappointed, as with no hope, absolutely no hope, I mean if previous cycle yielded 10 eggs out of which only four were fertilized (and only three making it to transfer/freeze), what can be said about 4 eggs being retrieved??
But then 2 out of the 4 did fertilize, and were even a nice 4 cell. So I had a day 2 transfere, and hope found it's way back into my heart.
And my boobs. They are somewhat sensitive, and I believe also somewhat enlarged. And I don't know. It is too early in the game for that, and the support this time is stronger, so maybe it's only the support. Which in itself is good news, it means the support is working (last cycle I was a bit worried - how do I know if the support is enough!?). But I can't turn hope off, I can't help but think - maybe I am after all knocked up? Maybe maybe maybe. That damn hope. I so need it to work this time, I really need it. I could have dealt with no transfer and a complete lack of hope, but with this hope seeping in.. I really don't think I can handle a negative, and I'm so scared of this hope. I was kind of better of when hope was gone and I just knew this cycle was lost, now having this little flame of hope in me which might have good and positive outcomes, but might also...

And this wait. How long can two weeks be!? Well actually make it three weeks! You see, as part of the widened support, I was also to give myself 2 HSG shots, which means that I can't really test until the HSG from the shot is out of my system. Next Thursday I will be 10 days after, which might be enough time (but I really don't know since I never tested to see). So maybe I could have a Beta test on Thur. Problem is, if I do get a number higher than 10 and want to see a doubling, I won't be able to test again until the Tuesday after, due to the weekend and Yom-Kippur. So I don't see a point, and a Beta will have to wait till after Yom-Kippur.
Then there's the HPTs. I do think Thursday might be to early, but then when do I test? [assuming Monday, Yom-Kippur, I do not want to test. It is such a holy day, so spiritual, I do not want to be occupied with materialistic stuff like peeing on sticks and waiting to see how many lines]. If I test before Yom-Kippur, and it's a positive, then great. But if it's a negative, I really can't imagine what a night-mare of a day it will be. But then if I don't test... Think I'll see how it goes. Maybe if the sensation with the boobs increases I will test. Not sure.. Anyway, I have about two weeks to contemplate about that...

The Health Care System in Israel

Joy at The Other Shoe asked about health care systems in countries outside the U.S.A, so here is a look at Israel's health care system (which was ranked in the year 2000 in the 28th place out of a total of 190 countries and has many achievements in medicine and in medical research)

We have 4 kupot Holim (kupot in short, kupa in the singular) here. I never know how to refer to them (well to my one) when it comes up in a post I want to write - is it what is called HMO in other places? So I think I'll stick here with kupa/kupot.

In 1995 we had a big reform in our health care. Though we did have those 4 kupot and though the majority of citizens did belong to one of them there were some problems. First to belong to the big kupa, one had to belong to the Israeli Trade Union, while the other kupot restricted acceptance of new members based on age, pre-existing conditions and other factors. Second the level of coverage was different. And lastly the fact that not all the citizens were covered.

From 1995 it is compulsory to belong to one of the kupot, to any kupa you desire - there are four times a year when you can switch to a different kupa, and not only can no kupa turn you down, but they have to continue your treatment (though you probably can't just go back and forth between the kupot..).
Before 1995, you paid to be a member of the kupa a certain amount of money, while it might not have been a great sum (really can't remember how much it was :-)), it was the same sum for all. Today you pay a percentage out of your pay-check (about 2.5% of your salary goes to health care and another 2.5% to national insurance. really not a lot), so everyone pays according to what they can, and all get the same services. Might I add that as it is not the kupot who collect this money, that they have no way of telling who paid what.
The basic coverage includes diagnosing, consultation and treatment of medical conditions; medicines - according to a list of medicines that are on the basket at a reduced price [about 10-15% of it's full price]; hospitalization; rehabilitation; medical appliances and accessories; lab services and more.
Beyond this basic coverage, the kupot are entitled to offer more services for an additional fee, but this is really beyond the wide range of basic coverage (for example fertility treatments for a third child [treatments for first and second child are part of the basic coverage, provided you are younger than 45 yrs old]).

And on a personal view as a fertility patient:
Fertility treatments is one of top priority, and so the coverage is great. As mentioned above, it is completely free (as in you do not have to pay for lab tests; for being wanded; for any of the other tests that may be required like HSG; for seeing a doctor; for being treated in a fertility clinic [and might I add reading how patients in other parts of the world are discriminated for being gay/lesbian/single, that it is not the case here. No clinic can turn you down because you are single or lesbian or whatever]; IUIs and IVFs [I am entitled to six IVFs in one year. Taking into account that your body does need to rest and long protocols, that is good enough]).
When I was doing IUIs, I was treated wholly by the public health system. That meant that every time I went to see a doctor at my clinic, the doctor on call was the one that saw me. As they are all top doctors, it was more than fine with me. Proceeding to IVF, I preferred having one doctor who knows my case, so I am now using a combination of private and public health care - I pay to see this doctor, but everything else is free (including IVF place which in fact is a private hospital, but as it belongs to my kupa, I do not have to pay).
And yes, I am very pleased with our system. It probably has it's faults (like what medicines are included on the basket. Luckily no problem with fertility meds, but if you have a rare condition, there is a likelihood that your med won't be included), but it gives all a good basic coverage no matter what ones financial state is (just to clarify, I could have done the IVF completely in the public health care system and with good doctors) and we do have good public health care, good hospitals and all.


Some sites on the health system in Israel:

• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Health_care_in_Israel
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Universal_health_care#Israel
• http://www.mfa.gov.il/MFA/History/Modern%20History/Israel%20at%2050/The%20Health%20Care%20System%20in%20Israel-%20An%20Historical%20Pe
• http://freehealthcarecountries.com/free-healthcare-in-israel.php

The Talk

I Capture
Perfect Moments.

I had two good talks yesterday. The first was on the way there, a nice hearty conversation with my sister. I won't say anymore, because it was more about her than me, but it was nice having that conversation.

The second was with my 20 year old niece. Something I both wanted and was glad for the circumstances that made it possible, but was also somewhat fearful.
This TTC journey is filled with these dreams, some big some small, being shattered. Not what I expected, how I thought things would happen. Anyway one of these dreams was telling my nieces/nephews about how I am about to become a single mother (by choice). I was going to have this talk with the three older ones (14, 18.5, 20) telling them about my decision to become an SMC and what I did to become one (i.e using donor sperm), but was told it might be inappropriate for the younger one as he might feel uncomfortable with his older cousins. O.K getting those three together would probably have been quite a mission impossible.. This talk I was going to have once I'm pregnant, don't really know now why it was important for me to wait to pregnancy, maybe I thought it would happen quicker. And well, quicker it didn't happen, and they are not stupid these kids, and they do hear things, more and more as time goes by. No doubt that they know, but it was never directly from me, never I who had that talk with them.
This talk I want to have with them, is important for me beyond the fact that they are my family and should know. I think I see it as a rehearsal to being free and open to talk about it with strangers. No, not every Nosy Parker has (will have) the right to inquire about my child's origin, on the other hand I do not want it to be secret, I do not want my child growing up with this dark cloud around him/her, and as I am a very closed introverted person, who likes keeping my life to myself, there is a chance of that happening. Telling siblings/parents was probably much easier then telling the younger generation, but I owe it to my future kid to try and open up even when it is less comfortable and easy for me.
So... yesterday on the way back, alone in the car with the 20 year old we had that talk. Well not exactly "that" talk as as I said, she already knew and it was more of a broken conversation here saying this, there saying that. But it felt so good to finally have that talk with her. So what if she already knows, now she knows it "officially" from me :-).

On Boys & Girls

Wife Swap. [didn't know how this programme is called in English, so I googled it. Funny, while in English it is wife swap, in the Hebrew version it is mother swap...]

Anyway, you know the programme? The wives/mothers of two families exchange places for about a week. First half abiding to original family's rules, second half coming up with their rules. So the other day was the first programme of the season, which was of course a big hoo-ha to draw you in. It was big in the sense that it was an Israeli family verses one from New-Jersey (not the usual two Israeli families..), but mainly in it's contents. The couple from NJ were gay and religious (which I must say growing up in an orthodox environment, in a place where religious Jewry is almost synonymous to the orthodox movement, it is kind of odd seeing a couple both gay and religious..) where as the kibbutznikim from Israel where (well she was. He was a really lovely man, so open and amazing. End was kind of sad as he wants to become more religious and took some steps while she was gone, but when she came back...) anti homosexuals (or at least those who are doing the unthinkable and raising kids..) and had a thing against religion.. (as I said, first programme of the season..). She was really a begot, saying how it's not right how there is no kind of representation of a "normal" family in the gays household (in pictures, that is), that there's no balance (of course her house in the kibbutz is full of portraits of gay families. NOT. Balance only goes one way, it seems). Funny how when it was her turn to determine the rules, she went and bought two "normal" families pictures. The first was from the Bill Cosby show. The second? Archie Banker and family from the 70s show - All in the Family! Good thing the guy she was staying with was very good natured and took it with humour..

But that was not really what I wanted to talk about. Although she did say "her husband" for the week was a terrific parent, she still couldn't overcome the fact that they are gay and thus corrupting the children. One of the boys loved playing with "girls'" toys and refused to play with things considered boys' (of course parents being gay's fault. Never mind his brother who likes playing all things "boys"..), so one of her changes was to take him to a shop and push him into buying a "correct" toy, as in toy guns and rifles and the likes. Seeing this, and before even touching on the issue of boy's/girl's toys, I said to myself I would never participate in such a programme (not that I would participate in any other T.V show..). One thing is to set rules like not enough pictures of straight families in your house, or should work more in the garden etc. Another thing is to go against my (and I emphysis my, don't know or care for that matter what was the father's stance) principle, and war games (such as toy guns and rifles) are of limits for me. I heard enough how boys need (but girls don't??) to take out aggression and all. Plenty of ways to do so.. [and I am strong on my principles]. That was the point that said to me - OMG, never.. But if I look specifically at this family, and the boy who loved playing with dolls, I think it's lovely, a boy who truly has options to choose what he wants, and goes with what his heart calls and not with what society tries to tell him is right. I've got examples from left and right in my family, where boys are taught what is right for them to play with and how they ought to behave and all. Maybe it takes a gay couple, and a religious one at that, to truly give thier child the freedom to be who he is, I mean it probably took great courage for them to not only step outside the closet, but to decide to raise a family. And if they could feel the freedom to do what their hearts desired and not be governed by society, then most likely they could pass this freedom of choice on to their kids. I do hope for a girl (completely another post. Of course I would be happy, overjoyed,delighted with a boy), but if I do have a boy, I do hope I could give him those choices and not surrender to society's demands. Give my boy and girl* dolls and footballs (or whatever) and let them make the choice, but a true choice based on having all the options in front of them.

* Somehow demands are tougher on boys. Girls can act like boys, climb trees etc etc, even have boys' names (a trend here, but one that is now starting to fade). Whereas boys have to be "boys", no playing with dolls or wearing pink shirt, and how embarrassing if a boy's name is actually a girl's..

Photography and Language Learning

Why do two different courses when you can do two in one?? Playing around with my camera, I got to the language feature, and it hit me - if I choose French, I can learn French while learning photography! O.K, not a good idea...
Anyway, there's this tree outside my window in which for some time I could see some movement in a particular place. Couldn't quite make if there was a nest there or what, mainly as I am a bit too far away and also because of the leaves that are covering some of the view. Lately I believe I can see mother bird and am convinced it is a nest, so tried taking some shots of them. And oh yes, I can definitely see the little ones now! (they must have grown..). When I bought my camera, I intended it to be also for baby and all (I have, or rather had as I will shamefully admit that I have no idea where it is, an old [as in not digital..] simple camera which would suffice for baby pictures) but also for birdwatching, or at least trying to take pics of birds, so I bought a good camera (Canon EOS 400) with an extra wider lens, hoping to learn to use them. O.K, I do have a l-o-t to learn. I thought I would be able to get much closer with the wide lens (which might I add, learning how to change the lenses, that's my new feat..), well maybe but not as close as I thought. Anyway I decided to do a little exploring and to try and take pics of this nest using different features (as in not the "auto" which I usually, well always, use). So I think this is the best (oh, did I mention that I took loads of pictures [I so love digital cameras!] and that this tree is right below my neighbour's window and I was like I hope they don't think I'm trying to be a peeping Tom or something...

And wow, zooming in I could see it! could see the nest and mother bird :-) [how do you save a zoom version, that's another lesson for another day :-)].

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And I just now IMed myself. Or I should say - I hope I have! Oh please I hope I did. Gosh I probably didn't and now what can I do. Coming to give the injection, I suddenly see that the needles I bought for this "occasion" were in fact smaller than my usual injection needle. O.K panic time. Do I use the mixing (green) needle or the orange one [obviously the grey one is out]. Looking at the needles, less at the length and more at the thickness of the needle [geez that green one looks so thick!], plus this site that divides needle size according to weight, saying that up to 60 kg use a 5/8" needle (my orange..) [well technically I should use a bigger one as I am 65 kg, but hey, I thought to myself, I'm not far from their cut. No, didn't read the sizes of needles for the next size up. That would be 1"-1.5", 1.5" being my green needle. Yes, I probably should have used the green one :-(], so yes, I used my regular one, just on my butt instead of my belly. Should have got those instructions for the menopour and have a nurse show me how, but why give myself an IM when this one can also be done sub-q, I thought, plus I was over confident that I can do it by myself. And the worst is that I have no idea if it worked or not.

And the retrieval tomorrow. I decided that although I can do it alone, it would be nice to have someone with me. So I asked sister #1. At first she said she will only be able to pick me up, as she is working, but then remembered that on that particular day she can't. No biggie, I'll come home by bus.. But then she phoned again to say that her daughter (20 yrs old) will pick me up. On one hand that's a bit awkward on the other (and for the same reason!) a great opportunity. Though I have no doubt that she knows I am trying to get pregnant, I haven't yet told her. I thought I'd wait till I'm pregnant to tell my nieces/nephews. So this might be a good opportunity to have this talk with her, but it is awkward as it is kind of imposed.

Forgot to give post a title, and I am bad with titles and it's late and I'm tired and I really ought to go to bed. So I'll leave this post title-less.

Unless of course that babble above can be called a title..

This morning, I decided (well the decision part was last night :-)) to go back to running (until retrieval/transfer) as since I've stopped, I also almost stopped loosing weight. And thought I'd switch to early (very early) morning mode since I have to go to the clinic in the morning (so run, shower, clinic). Well, weighing myself later (and yes, I can become very much obsessed and weigh myself everyday) showed the same as previous day. And I was soooo tired (I really love sleeping, but hate going to sleep :-)), so decided it's not worth it. Except... was informed today that I'm to trigger at 5:00 in the morning! And thank-you guys for telling me I could probably also do it sub-q, but I'm going to do it IM (I might not be a rule follower when it comes to cooking [I am not the person to measure exactly a cup or a spoon or whatever, but when it comes to things like meds.. I'm all rules and instructions!]). And I think I can do it:-). And just want to tell you how after doing some blogging (upon return from clinic) and before heading of to work, I napped having an hour to spare and dreamt about meeting one of the bloggers on whose blog I had just commented [though I really hardly remember the dream].
So I am to trigger Sunday morning, and the retrieval will be Monday afternoon. Which would make it CD12. wow - isn't that early? I was under the impression that IVF with the suppression one takes, would cause ovulation to be later rather than earlier! I was a bit worried today when the scan showed I had a follicle of 19 (yesterday the biggest was 15!), so I guess timing's good :-)
And speaking of timing.. When I discussed with sister#5 when she can help me with the tank (I am so not taking it on a bus again. It is way too heavy, and as there is no direct bus it involves quite a few switches), I told her sometime towards the end of next week, the beginning of the week after (yes, nonetheless beginning of the week after next would be bad timing. I am terrible with timing things), and we decided on Thursday. Suddenly I had a feeling that Thursday might be a bit late, so I rescheduled it with the IVF place to Monday. Boy, was I lucky there! (I almost rescheduled to Tues..).
And Monday.. After I get on with the tank, I will have about two or three hours to kill. No point of going home, so I'll have to hang around in the area. Unfortunately I can't kill time fimding some place in the area to have lunch as I'll be on a fast.. oh well. Haven't told sis about the "new" plan, as I haven't spoken to her yet, but I think she's doing enough already, and I assume she'll be going back to work [more thinking about the procedure itself and the two hour stay afterwards]. Maybe I'll ask sis#1, or maybe I'll decide I can do it alone.

P.S
(and totally unrelated)
Have you noticed that while a female dog is called a bitch, a female cat is a queen??? I would say unfair!

In case you were wondering, that's the maximum number of charcters allowed per title!

Renewal

Nights are beginning to be cooler and the days somewhat shorter [and only too soon we'll be on winter time, and how I hate that suddenly 18:00 is already dark] and autumn is just around the corner! I love autumn! Love the first rains (oh, please let there be rain this year!), love the smell of the earth's freshness, drinking hot cocoa, snuggling under an ide*-down..

And everything is happening now! School starts and I (should, still building my schedule) am back to good working hours. School starting also means picking up nephew from kindergarten once a week. A nice walk or ride [they have a bike with a small one attached. I have yet to try it, so we'll see..] with his chatter surely would help us bond** :-). And tomorrow (well technically today, but until I go to sleep it is still considered tomorrow!) I'm meeting again with my therapist who was on maternity leave for four long months (she actually returned to work in August, but that's the worst month financially for me, so I told her I'll hold off another month). We did communicate here and there by mail, but that's not the same...

And then there are these courses I am thinking of taking. I think I got the push from my sister's comment on a recent post. So first there was/is the photography course I have set my eyes on. I am all the time saying, one day I'll do this and one day that and one day... and you know what, one day never comes! So I finally got down and did a google search and found this course that I am pleased with. Haven't yet inquired the specific details, but probably whatever they say, I'll take it, just waiting for September to roll on and the income to be coming :-). And yesterday I was thinking... (yes, it's been happening too often lately) hey, I would really also want to do a language course. French and Arabic were always the two languages I wanted to learn. Funny, I kind of neglected that want, but it suddenly came to me when someone 'on my site meter' had my page translated into French. Funny as I am tending now towards Arabic [and yes, Wishing, your lovely stories about Egypt are tempting me in that direction..]. For a long time I've said that as a language teacher, besides my personal desire, it is important for me to learn so as to see how my pupils on the other side feel. I really hope that now that I'm writing it, I'll be more obligated to actually do it!

And you know what, this cycle, I suddenly had a realization. I always say that this cycle just has to work, because in such and such a date there will be - a birthday; a family gathering; a this; a that, such a good opportunity to tell people! and who knows what will happen next time. Well, you know what, somehow there always seems to be something! I think now the High Holidays and especially Yom-Kippur might be good timing if I am indeed pregnant [won't spoil this post by saying that I don't have high hopes..].

And somebody (who I haven't seen in a while) made my day today by commenting on how long my hair is! [I am trying to grow it long].

And finally will just say that my new header [you did notice it, right :-)] is probably also part of this renewal thing going on. I mean I have been wanting to change it for a very long while and was trying to think of what and how, but kind of got stuck there. Then Saturday came, and suddenly I just had the answers and had to have it done!



* how do you write it? I mean I know I'm wrong, but have no idea and can't find the correct way
** It's this 4 year old I mentioed recentaly not being close enough