milk

O.K, the good news is that little girl has reached the target! She is now back to her birth weight :-). The less good news.. am I overfeeding her?? In the last few days she is so restless during the day, doesn't sleep at all and seems struggling, very uncomfortanle. Nurse at child development said these are probably growth pains. Urg, didn't know they have that at this age, but with all the extra feeding, it does sound logical. And well, probably wrong to call it extra feeding, more that before I might have under-fed. See, I'm now supplementing each feed with formula. She first eats at my breasts (more should I say chews and hurts. Does it ever become the enjoyable mother child moment??), and then I give her formula through a tube (so that not to give her a bottle whose nipple is easier to manage). And then, technically I pump [to increas milk flow and to supplemt meals with my milk and not a cow's product, though that has not yet happened], excpet too many times I don't (like when she is restless all day and I really don't have time for it, or when I just put it off for this feed). Problem is I really hardly have any milk and she is probably getting the majority of her nutrition from the formula. And oh, I so want to do breastfeeding. I want to give my child the best, which I do believe is breast milk. I want to be able to go with her to wherever and not worry about bottles and sterlizing and bringing the powder and water etc, just me my girl and my boobs. And the bonding. (truth right now it more hurts and I am mostly way too tired for anything). But I don't have enough milk. Obviously she can't live on my breasts alone and right now I need to supplement and I'm doing that because more than all it's important she gains weight. But I really do hope the flow will come. Nurse at child development hinted how soon I might concider giving up the breasts. Oh, please don't say that to me, please don't tell me I'm failing at this very natural procedure. I didn't have the natural birth I so dreamt (and read and learned and prepared myslef for), and now I can't do this!?

[and I really should wake her up now for a feed, but how do you wake a peacfully sleeping baby when you know what will come next???]

Milk!

Milk! I finally have got milk :-). Though mother and baby (who has been weighed almost every day now [hospital; pediatrician; child development centre..] are still aiming to reach that birth weight... [but I must say, I do have a super hero baby, as withing 24 hours she grew 1.5 cm. tall! (measured in different places, lol)].



And then there's the belly buttom clamp. Somehow they didn't take it off at the hospital when they discharged her, and each time we go to see this professional or that, they are always surprised to see it still atached to her. Today at long last it was removed! Yay :-).
P.S

If you think I have a hard thinking little girl, then think again. Apparently while mother was busy with the camera, little girl was busy delivering some poo (in another shot it is even very much visable. funny how I didn't see it when taking the pics..)


(and yes, that's a rash of an unknown source..)

Normalcy ?? When!

Want to be a normal new mother after birth, without all these running around and with me being fit and able (one of the reasons I wanted a natural, medicineless birth [I think I wrote most of the birth story, will hopefully post it later on], was to be able to function as fully as one can after birth. And I can't. I can't walk or stand too long, or do this walking while "bouncing" up and down in a way that calms a baby. Sitting is much easier, but still not every surface and not for too long. And I won't talk now about the fun of going to the toilet (though will mention that things are getting better down there).
And I want to have my child not loose too much weight [was told it really is borderline] and not to have to give her antibiotics or worse have an IV infusion for her antibiotics at the nursery or have her stubbed three times a day (again at the nursery. thank god that' over) to check sugar levels [because suddenly I am concidered GD] or to have to take her, a five day old little baby, to the children's ER because her TSH levels are borderline high (oh, that was one stupid unnecessary trip, and not at all fun. First a nurse looks at her and asks me all these questions, some completly unrelevant like if she got her vaccinations [namely the Hep B] and why not. I do have a very restless crying very very young baby. Can't we skip protocol?? And then an intern asked all those questions and more, and it was drugging on and on.
Now both these ladies were very nice,and I am sure I would like them dealing with an injured child of mine if ever I had to, and I on the other hand am way too hormonal, but still, being asked the same questions again is pointless [and each time answers were filled into the computer], and all those questions... please! I was then seen by a doctor who finally was short and to the point. Seems there really wasn't any reason to send me to the ER (as the TSH should be monitered, but doesn't have to be done there) but if I already came, to come again on Wed morning to have the tests done. Hope it won't be such a long story like today).
And want to be just me and baby, and not have everyone's while very good intention, advice and "knowledge". Don't want my sister asking when her last feed was, or my mother informing her we are heading to the ER. When I got angry about it with her, she starts saying how it is my sister's right to know. URG! What about my right to do things without the whole world's nose? And I'm not talking about not letting her know, it was just the timing, not when we are about to leave, not before. If you want to later tell her how your day infolded and that was part of it, so be it, but not before. Hope you understand what I mean. I am not against my sisters knowing, but they are not this big council that has to be part of whatever decision is to be made. And they are very helpful and all and I am probably very lucky, but what about me wanting to just be a new mother without all this. To bring home a healthy baby, to complain about those sleepless nigths, to have people care and lend a helping hand and all but to also feel like I am the mother. Yes hormonal.

P.S
Not on my compouter and no spell check..

P.S.S
Slowly slowly am trying to catch up on my reading, and it probably will take some time (I am not the person to just hit - read all - on my reader), so sorry about that..

short update

came home not long ago from hospital. baby girl was born on Wed morning (16.6.10) weighing 3230 grams. not an easy birth, hope to write birth story soon (wow! our very own birth story!), but right now to exhausted. thanks for all your good wishes!

Induction?

Went today to have a checkup at the hospital after a sleepless night (After going to sleep I suddenly wasn't sure what was the procedure, if I just turn up at the hospital or what, so I googled and googled and got more and more confused. Seeing that the number of my medical plan is a 24 hour, I decided to call [4 am by then..] and she was so unhelpful. Telling me I have to get a referral from my doctor [I am 42 weeks. I do not have time to wait to see a doctor to get that referral] and how she can't give me medical advice. Didn't want any medical advice, just what's the procedure. Urg! Anyway phoned again in the morning. Again got the wrong information, but at least he was a little bit more helpful. Seems that from week 40 I "belong to the state", and so can go to the hospital, no problem. If only she would have told me that last night..).
Anyway, so I've just come back from being monitored. Everything is fine with baby and all (and yes, couldn't avoid the weight thing. I so didn't want to know so she told me not to look, but that's not really a possibility for me, but I think at about 3.3 kilos she's not too big... don't have to worry about pushing out a big one :-) [and please don't be like my mother who exclaimed - she's big*. Even if she is, let me enjoy thinking she's not). BUT, no contractions at all (yeah, that didn't surprise me..) and worst, only 1 cm dilatation (a month ago the dr. gave me 1.5..). I was so hoping that something is happening in there even if I'm not feeling anything. But nope, my body is still not ready to give birth.
The doctor highly recommended an induction. She was really putting pressure on me to stay, saying that as I'm in a very advanced week that I'm endangering the pregnancy/baby. And she kept on about how as it's an IVF pregnancy, that it is a very dear one (boy do I know that!) and that all the more I should have an induction. And I so don't want. I really wanted my girl to come at her time, when it is "convenient" for her, not when artificially made to. And more so, I so want a natural birth, one without any drugs and all. One that both mother and baby are alert straight after birth and baby breastfeeds and the bonding starts and all is well. And with an induction I am scared that that dream will be lost. And you know, all is well with baby, her heart beat's o.k, there's enough amniotic fluid, her weight's o.k. The only problem is that I'm week 42. So do I have an induction just because of the week I am in? But if the age alone is a (major) factor? If I by refusing an induction I am endangering my baby?
I so don't know. I am to go again tomorrow to be monitored again. Might have that induction as I doubt there'll be any change from today.

EDT
Spoke with my doula. She recommended reflexology and taking Castor oil. I am not going to now quickly find someone who does reflexology (or accu or the likes), but I did buy the oil. Not looking forward for the taste and hmmmm.. the diarrhea that follows, but if I am to start labour artificially (hoping hoping hoping it will!), then I'd much rather this than what the hospital has to offer which will make contractions unbearable. Wish me luck!

* I do think that as I myself have hardly gained weight and have quite a small tummy for where I am, my mother kind of expected baby to be on the smaller range.

Feeling stressed about who will be with me in the delivery room. Sister #1 was the one I asked originally, the one I wanted to be with me and the one I was counting on. I did at some point ask sister #3 to be a backup, but more for the length of the birth than sister #1 not making it at all.
And so today at this family gathering I mention how this week... and she goes on about what a busy week she has. I kind of feel a bit guilty about it, but understand that whatever she will still be there for me. But then she mentions something about not 100% she will be able to, that if it falls on (I am really not sure what it was, I was too shocked to ask or even to want to ask what and when) that she won't be able to. I was/am so disappointed. I mean I didn't ask her yesterday, she knew all along I'm counting on her, and it's not like it's up to me when baby comes. I really never saw that coming, and at the last minute at that! Only the other day I heard this story about how sister #3 planned a weekend away and asked #1 if she could look after the kids who said (with reference to the date) no problem. So #3 booked a place. Only then did #1 say it was not convenient for her (some trip or something popped up). Urg!

So now I don't know if she can be there, or truth be told if I even want her. And I will say that she hasn't come to sit with me, going over what and how at birth, at how she can assist me. I did send her my birth plan because it was important for me that she should know, but if I wouldn't have...

And again trying to think what are my options.
Do I ask sister #3? I did want her origianlly as a backup, but as I mentioned not long ago, I can't really have her as I can't trust she will know to look out for my interests regarding treatment for baby after birth (because if she doesn't think we have a right to ask such things [like no bathing], how can she she demand such care!?).
Do I just leave it just me and the doula?? A woman I don't really know (hoping it will be her and not the backup I asked for in case she can't make it. Because at least I know her, haven't even met the backup)? Do I want to be in my most intimate, most meaningful moment in my life with people who are nothing more than strangers?
Which leads me to thinking again of my mother. She has been there so much for me, helping me in so many ways in these last weeks to get things organized. Without her, who knows where I'd be regarding preparing house for baby. But while I know (or at least hope..) she will be honoured, I myself am not too thrilled of having her there with me. But I do know a mother is a mother, and that if I ask her, she will come with me whatever she has, and I do trust her to follow treatment I request for baby (I remember from my childhood how she made a big fuss about wearing a gown while having an x-ray, so I do know she understands how we patients have rights and we can request things). So I'm going to bed (or not going to bed) wondering who and what will be there with me.


Besides that sudden stress, I am also beginning to be somewhat stressed about baby's arrival. All along my pregnancy I told her how nice it would be if she is born on this Monday (date wise), but how I totally understood if not. And the days going by, and she is not yet born, and I am thinking how she really is listening to me... But now I am starting to worry if she is too long in the womb and if it's not good for her (I hear the phrase about the aging of the placenta only too often..). And if she is not born by Monday (which will be exactly 2 weeks passed the EDD), I will have to go and have this extra monitoring (or whatever you call it in English, the one you should be going to if due date comes but baby doesn't). I don't want to go mainly because I do not want to know her weight, not before she is born (and by me not knowing I mean that no-one will know..). I really feel strongly about this, but I doubt if that's a possibility, if I can have her monitored and (at my advanced week) not have her weight checked.

I think that in the last few evenings I am feeling her much more. When I mentioned this today at the family gathering, I was told it can't be, that on the contrary in the last stages of pregnancy they have less room so they are felt less. But I know what I'm feeling, and I am positive she is readying herself for the great day. So please girl, lets start things rolling! I don't know who will be with me, and truth is I am very disappointed and stressed over it (and feeling how as much as family are there for you and care for you and all, how they can't always be trusted, so it is just us two in this world), but don't let that concern you! Everything will work out o.k, you just come! And yes girl, I am eager to finally see you face to face, so please!

Vaccinations

First, thanks for waiting with me! (and no, not yet a mummy..)
[and Tiara - loved your dream :-)]


I am now trying to learn about vaccinations. It was all along clear to me that I won't necessary give my child all the vaccinations, and that those I do give won't necessarily be according to the routine schedule here. I don't know how it goes elsewhere, but it is (in my eyes) quite a crazy schedule. [I tried adding a chart of the schedule here, but I'm not really succeeding (it comes out tiny)]. It starts of with hepatitis B at the hospital. That was the first one I knew I won't be giving as there is really no need if I don't have it! And then it goes on every month or so. I think I read that 30 vaccinations are given in the first year (which I suppose doesn't mean 30 times the needle as some are a combination. But it is less the injection per se that concerns me, more what goes in to my girl. If already I'm for splitting them). And not giving them in the regular routine means I'm planning on starting late. Not sure when exactly, I think I'd like to start after she becomes a year old, but maybe I'll start as early as half a year.

My first lesson on the subject came when I was in the eight grade. I was always late for school, so not surprising I was late on the day they had some kind of test injection done for this vaccinations (not sure which. maybe tuberculosis?) and so hadn't had the test done. Then the day of getting the vaccine came. Up till them I knew how important vaccinations are and how we must all get all our vaccinations, etc etc, so of course I was waiting to get mine! But as I hadn't done the test, I was brushed aside, told how it wasn't a big deal not getting this shot! I think they might have stopped that particular vaccinations a few years after, but still it echoed in me that it is not such a must as I thought, that one doesn't necessarily have to get all the shots. [and yes, I was a very naive child. When on a school trip the bus in front of us didn't stop at a red light, I was sure the police would come right there and then and arrest the offending driver! because in my young life there was right and wrong, no in between]. Anyway though it might have been my first lesson on the issue of vaccinations, it took many years to process it..

And so I said to myself that this is something I want to learn, but never really got round to looking into it. I mean I did here and there but not too seriously. There is this Israeli site I found, but they seem too radical to me, completly against all vaccines. But then other sites are all for and say how important and wonderful they all are... What I wanted was to learn about each vaccination - how, why, when, so I can make an educated decision. But I guess finding a neutral source is not really possible..
Anyway, my sister got me for my birthday a book on vaccinations (The Truth about Vaccines) which now that I finished my pregnancy and birthing books and have time on my hand, am digging into. I still have no idea what, how and when, but finally I feel like I'm doing some learning on the subject :-).