On Sensitivity (a rant and sorry, but it's probably too long)

Don't know where I'm going here. Between finally making those ginger bread biscuits (dough currently sitting in fridge) and having a shower in preparation for celebrating mother's birthday, I'm gonna rant..

On a board I frequent, a board for all those on the way to become single mothers by choice (i.e those who are still in the pondering stage; those who are trying; those who are pregnant), we recently had a very "hot" discussion with, well lots of emotions flying by. It started when one of the pregnant women asked to have a meeting for only those pregnant as they have their issues. Fair enough. Not so long ago a thinker asked to meet with other thinkers and nobody blinked an eye. It is totally understandable. But what stirred the fire here was N's statement saying - yeah, I would love meeting with others in my state since every step I reach makes the previous ones irrelevant. WTF??? Yes, N got pregnant fairly quickly (and it's actually not the first time she showed such insensitivity - when someone else on the board had to cease their pregnancy at 20 weeks she couldn't wait a day or two to talk about her new pregnancy's nausea), and as someone commented - someone who got pregnant that easy can't really understand those who are trying and trying and wanting and craving and going through injections and IVF and whatever to get to where she is. Not sure if that's true. I do know that her insensitivity caused such reactions (and sadly I don't think she gets it).

O.K, it's five o'clock. The dough has been sitting in the fridge for half an hour. Better make those men. Oh, that doesn't sound like such fun.. Mixing ingredients, licking the bowl, even washing the dishes, better.
Stealing a few moments while drying after my shower to tell you how the dough just broke into pieces when trying to use the rolling pin and how I gave such a yell at my sister when asked if her 4 year old could help and how it was solved by adding milk and butter and how I left them to cut out the shapes (so I can have my shower). O.K I'm dry, be back (for the rant and update on cookies..) later.

And then there are the pictures. Someone (on the same board as above..) asked if she is the only one who gets annoyed at those PowerPoint presentations of "those cute kiddies" people e-mail her. So annoyed wouldn't be my emotion, but yes. Luckily I haven't been getting such presentations, but... I think mostly pictures I see on blogs I read or on my SMC forum are O.K by me. I mean, they are not addressed specifically at me, and I can always choose not to open them (though as a perfectionist not so likely..). And I think mainly as these kids/babies are not people I know personally, so maybe it is easier for me to shut my emotions. But my sister sending me pics of her kids? (an almost 2 years old and a 2.5 month baby). Wow, that is difficult. I know those kids and love and adore them, and I love seeing them and holding them and playing with them when they are here, but having proud mummy send pics of her little ones? That's beyond me. I was thinking of asking her not to send me pics (just to clarify, she doesn't send to me in particular, rather to everyone, me included), but then again I don't want to be looked as that person who everyone has to be shushu when baby talk comes up or being careful as to what pics to send etc.

Gingerbread man. hmmmm... so small. How am I supposed to put 2 of those round sweets (we call them adashim. forget what they are called in English. Oh yeah I remember now - smarties) as eyes when there's room for only one?? And how on earth do I make them stick to the cookie? (recipe talked about using coloured frosting but I'd rather not use food colouring so I skipped that part).
Better get back to family gathering.

Continuing the subject of sensitivity, there's this person who most likely thinks she cares about me and all, but in my eyes she is probably one of the most insensitive persons. Coming into my blog, reading about my chemical, then entering again and again but not a word. Not here not there not anywhere. Not one single word to say she's sorry or better luck next time or whatever. Not first or only time. At Purim she pinned* a thread of the board's kids in Purim costumes. It's not the pictures that got to me. I do understand. It is the festival where kids dress up, and except me the rest are parents who want to show of their kids. Having those Purim pictures wouldn't really bother me (O.K I won't lie. It would no doubt do some squashing in my heart, but I wouldn't have remembered it the next day. Just one more "incident" on my path). But the pinning?? (and it's really not a busy place where messages go flying by and if you don't pin a message others might miss it). There were other cases, but I'll stop here. And yes, Purim was some time ago and I am totally a person to keep and hold a grudge.

And maybe this post is about me not believing I will ever be a mother. That day I cried and cried and cried, like I haven't in I don't know how long, but since then... not so. Not because I'm in a better place or whatever, probably just me blocking my emotions, as usual. And maybe I cried so much because I am so scared of what's next and how and what and how and how and will I ever?. It is not so a scare of the actual procedure [I'm sure fear of those inter-muscular injections will kick in when relevant.. and I was scared of the full bladder thing but think I'm calmer about it due to Dora's excellent advice (practice!) and also I understand that it's only when procedure is done with u/s (which is probably better and way more exiting for the "mother to be"), but at least I now know that it doesn't have to be..]. But the bureaucracy and how do you go about it and what do you do. I know I have to take it a step at a time. Right now I am waiting on those three tests, and still have to get what I have together and see that I have it all. Waiting? Paralyzed would be a more fitting word. [hopefully now that I wrote it, tomorrow morning I will move my beautiful ass and do something!]. But what I want to say, is that I'm doing (or wanting to do) not so because I believe, more because I need to know that I have tried. So I will be able to look back on my life, and say yes, I probably did leave it too late**, but I did try, I did give my best at becoming a mother.

Returning to those cookies.... Please don't laugh, but this is what my gingerbread men look like (I mean the ones that didn't burn [burn.. i.e first and third batch. yes, I am talented!]). Think I'll leave them like that, just can't be bothered trying to decorate them, and I only need one and for Friday and she really doesn't have to know that they usually have eyes and buttons etc

P.S
Just had to wash the almost 2 yrs old hair. I was asked if I wanted to join kid in her bath (was told she was looking for me :-]), and when I came they (father and grandmother) said - oh good you're here, we can go and take care of blah blah blah. How do you do that?? (wash an infant's hair, that is) She cried, I got all wet, but the job was done. And actually the best part is her mother who was down below, and must have heard, didn't finch. Oh, she always cries when washing her hair, she said when I asked how I should have done it. Nice to be trusted (shall I mention that it's the same sis who sends those pictures?).

* pinning. really don't know if pinning is also the term used else where. Anyway putting a message at the top of the board and keeping it there, at the top, for 2-3 days.

** Luckily here IUI and IVF are (could be) almost free. But using donor eggs/embryos or adopting? Not possible for singles/gay couples here, therefore way too expensive for me to even think in that direction [my financial condition? Far from good :-D]. [on the other hand, no clinic blinks an eye on doing IUI/IVF as single. pros and cons I guess..].