12 Months, 12 Challanges - January

From Keiko's last post, I've learnt about this monthly challenge. Instead of making some big resolutions on the first day of the year that usually never stick, the idea here is to give yourself some kind of small challenge every month. Each month one challenge. And I really like the idea, so I think I'm going with it!
As there is also a Facebook page, I am not entirely sure how you're supposed to do it. Though I do think I'd rather post here than on my facebook page.. I'm also not so sure if I'm supposed to declare all my monthly challenges or to go month by month. (Mainly as I've just read about it) I prefer to go month by month.

So.. tomorrow is January [Happy New Year!!], a new month and a new challenge, well two. I know I'm supposed to choose only one, but I need to do these two! [and I actually was planning, just not as a challenge..]
The first is about me and a dear friend of mine, Chokie. Yes, that would be chocolate. I've been seeing Chokie way too much lately. Way way too much. Not good for either of us.. And I know I should have a bigger goal of loosing weight because I really have put on a lot of weight, but I know that kind of challenge will be too much for me. So I challenge myself to not have one bit of chocolate in the month of January!
The second will be about Butterfly and the brushing of her dear teeth, or the not brushing, or rather the yes! brushing.. You see, I'm doing a very bad job at it. I tried letting her see me brush my teeth. I tried letting her brush my teeth [have you had a toddler push a toothbrush in your mouth? I don't recommend..] so that then I'll brush hers [nope!]. I tried having a special brushing teeth song [so now she hates Christmas! (okay I probably need to explain - looking for a good brushing teeth song on YouTube, I found nothing that appealed to me, so I took the first happy cheerful song that came up to me and made up my own words. The song was Jingle Bells...)]. Tried having her brush in front of a mirror (will admit that only tried it once). Still to try actually having toothpaste on her brush (I thought it's not good at her age, but apparently there are toothpastes for the very young!) and I think there was another suggestion but can't think of any now [if you do have another tip, I'd love to hear!]. We usually end either with not brushing the teeth or with me brutally holding down her arms with one hand, body held in between my knees, while trying with the other hand to brush her teeth. And this is so not how I want to parent. I do not want to be a big bully on my little girl. I know this is important, that's why I do do it (sometimes). Sometimes. So my second challenge for the month is to have her teeth brushed twice EVERY DAY. I just hope it becomes such a habit that she'll protest no more..


P.S
OMG do you know how many times I wrote the word challenge? Seems it's with an "e" after the "ll" (and not "a") and now I have to correct each and every one of them! (okay, only by clicking on each one and selecting the correct way but couldn't there be a -'correct all' option, like in Word!?)

No Trust

No!

Well my little Butterfly has her first word! [and this is old news as in I think about two weeks ago, but I was keyboardless..] "Do you want....." "no!.. no!" . Might I add how cute she is when she says it :-). I think it's kind of funny (and shows how late she is) that "no" is her first word.. oh well..

And the day after we were also blessed with a second word (but none since) - Yeye. That will be Wendy, my sister (& neighbour)'s dog. Every morning we go for a little walk, and Wendy joins us so it does make sense that that would be one of her first words (though doesn't "mummy, I love you" sound like a better candidate for that second word!? lol)

Besides that, the ball has started rolling in the speech therapist direction. First I have an appointment (just me) with a social worker. Then there's a speech therapist and a doctor (should be together but the doctor can't see me before April! [and I was told I was lucky as usually it's as long as Sep. If the speech therapist will see a need, they will somehow find me an earlier date or something like that]).

And there's the "no" that I tell her. I've encountered the term "free range parenting" and while I'm not exactly sure what they mean by it, I love the term and think of myself as a free range parent. Quoting from steady mom: "Respect your child as a person, providing firm boundaries but plenty of freedom to become who they are meant to be." I think (hope!) I do just that. She hardly hears a no from me - I'm either very permissive or prefer diversion. I just think there are so many things she can't do, so many small frustrations in her little world, that I don't need to add. But there are boundaries. Like the road. She is free to walk on the pavement (as in she doesn't have to hold my hand). But she MUST NOT go down to the road. And she know it! And most usually she is great (rarely, but she does sometime try me out. I do kind of expect her to test her boundaries..). And I believe she is good on the road [when we need to cross the road, quite often she will be the one asking to be picked up..] because she doesn't hear so much no from me. No, don't go there; No, don't pick that up; No, don't put that in your mouth; No, don't climb that; No, that's dangerous [I think probably one of the last "no"s I would tell her..]; No, don't go too near the edge of the pavement; No, don't smoke [okay that she most certainly would hear from me if...]. She doesn't hear so much nos so she doesn't need to defy me (anyway, that's how I see it).

Trust!

My mother doesn't trust me. Probably never has. And you know, that first sentence is a bit wrong as it is not me she doesn't trust, but anyone, she just doesn't trust other people, but that doesn't make it much better. So one of the things that is important for me, is to build trust between me and my daughter. And while I still have to work on my trust, I do believe I trust her very much. Take the above example of walking in the street. I do sometimes get these terrible mother looks from other people but I do know my daughter and trust her (and yes, I am also very much alert and looking/watching..). [and then I walk with my mother and daughter, and mother tries to force daughter to hold her hand, because it is dangerous. She does not trust me (yet again) that I am looking out for my daughter].

And this trust, it is a two way. What's the point of me trusting her if she doesn't trust me..? So I do my best to keep my word. And she trusts me. I see that many times when, for example, I would tell her to wait and then I will xyz, and she waits very patiently!

[and I believe I had more to write on the trust issue, but I can't remember now..]

~ Happy Hannukah! ~

~Merry Christmas! ~

Decisions..

I've always been more of a dog person that a cats lady. I have five cats (I do hope one day to do a post introducing them!) which unfortunately I can't really let in the house (I did let them sleep inside in the [very few; too few!] rainy nights we had. But then it wasn't easy with Butterfly who didn't sleep too good..), and since Butterfly was born I'm hardly with them (although it is getting better now, mainly as Butterfly loves to pat them. Oh and eat thier food (but that's not new, lol). So I have these cats, and cats are nice, but DOGS are the real thing! Dogs you can take for a walk, you can throw ball, you can play rough & tumble.
I had a dog, Sky, who died some years ago. In fact (and I know I mentioned this here before), but she died on the same date that B was conceived! It didn't seem right at the time to try and "replace" her with another dog, but I always dreamt of having another dog again one day.
Well, that day is soon to come. I don't think it's a good idea now to get a new dog, being winter and all, but after the winter I am planning on adopting a dog! Hopefully a (plus minus) one yr old female who is good with children and cats (should also be a big dog as I love the big ones..).
I am already waiting the walks, and I believe a dog would be great for Butterfly as she is so energetic and so lively and I am not so. So she would be able to play rough and tumble with the dog! So around Pesach (whenever it falls, I think it's best to have free time for the first few days) I plan to see what the local shelter has.
Decision #1

Child number two. Went back and forth if I can/should, and yes, I am going to try. I remember reading a blog about this mother who weaned her six month because she wanted to try for a second, but then it took her two years! (and donor embryos, not that that matters to the story) to conceive. And it was tough weaning her kid. I want/ed to give my child a "full term" of breastfeeding before I aim at stopping it. Ideally I will still be breastfeeding while pregnant with #2 and them do tandem breastfeeding. Chances that won't happen. So I am aiming towards the two year mark. Yes, I know my age (41, thank you for reminding me :-)), but still I would rather wait a bit more.
I think in about a month I'll be ready to make the call to the/a bank. Probably no more vials of daughter's donor, so will have to pick a new "guy". Not sure when I'll actually start, but kind of debating if IVF or to try and start with IUIs and only if it doesn't work go on to IVF. Right now I'm thinking to start with three unmedicated IUIs (you know, so I can breastfeed alongside) and see how to go from there.
Decision #2

Homeschooling. I do hope to do a post about it one day soon. Something I always wanted to do, but with being a single parent thought that this would be a dream I might have to give up on. Well no! I am now reading some homeschooling blogs and very much believe I can do it!
Decision #3

For decision number 3 to become, I probably need to increase my income with things I can do from my house. I do need to go to the local university and publish there that I translate (I am planning that for too long). But that might give me here a job there a job, nothing to much to count on.
I am thinking (and this is not a "closed" decision, more in the thought process) of carrying on my studies - either in translation or in information management, both possibilities for working from home. The main problem is money, paying for tuition and extra hours of nanny(maybe my dad will help?) plus I hope lessons are in the mornings so I could still work as usuall or at least to be able to do it one afternoon a week, even if it means taking longer to complete my studies.
BTW - if you have any other ideas for extra income from home, I'd love to hear!
Decision #4

nanny stuff

If you know me in real life, then you know I do not lie. [o.k that is a lie.. but beyond a white lie here or there] I just couldn't lie even if I wanted to as my face would shout out loud - LIER.. So how come I get nannies who lie?!?
Previous nanny, was a very big lier, sometime lying even when what's wrong with the truth.. but she is completely history. It's the current nanny. Not sure if I blogged about it, but there was an incident I caught her lying in the beginning of the year. Didn't bother me too much as it was a minor incident and I am not out to look for lies (and I am a naive person who basically believes what the person in front of me is saying to be the truth). Today we had this conversation [I know they* don't do much with Butterfly. After conversation with development nurse yesterday in regards to B's speaking I wanted to ask them to sit more with her]
nanny: What about computers?
me: no computers or televisions for Butterfly.
nanny: oh, she doesn't love t.v. [immediately followed by how Butterfly doesn't watch tv blah blah. Do you believe that?? Yeah, neither do I!]
But you know, that's minor. While I am completely not pleased to learn that they probably do sit her in front of the telly, I can swallow it. It's THE. BIG. LIE I'm upset about.

{first a bit of technical background about where I live - if you come to me by car, say from the nanny, you would go on this main(ish, it is a small town..) road then turn left and after two houses turn left again. My house would be the one after the corner house. So going by car would be right once I leave the house (always right as left leads to a dead end). But if you do not go by car, you can [and more logical if that's your general direction] just turn left}
So a couple of weeks ago I happen to see nanny turn right as she left the house with girl in pram. It kind of surprised me as it is not the logical way to go, but I thought she's probably taking the girl for a long walk and good for her!
Then the other day was a very rainy day and my mother offered to take them to nanny's house. They refused to and somehow mentioned how Billy forbids them to take Butterfly by car. I forbid them to use the car with B! Wow, that definitely hit a red light when mother told me. Because you know, the first, last and only time I have ever mentioned taking (or rather not taking) Butterfly by car was in the beginning of June in the job interview. If I have never talked about it, it is kind of strange that them mentioning me forbidding it. My mother didn't buy it.
Anyway, the other night, coming back home from work, I see them come round the corner from the direction of turning right and right from my house, yes, not the way one would walk to my house. And this was a cold rainy day.. [unfortunately it didn't hit me till later]. We stopped just after the corner just before my house, and her son showed me this video where Butterfly does (NOT) talk. When finished, one would expect them to carry on walking in my direction. No, they went back [again, only later it hit me].
And today as there were leaving and thought I didn't hear, the mother asked the daughter to hand her the keys (turning right as they left the house..). You could say they come by car, walk girl in pram, and then take the car home at the end of the day. But if so - why hide the car??? Why not park right outside the house??
So if it wasn't clear, I very much suspect they take my girl in their car (and tonight kind of confirmed it). Under no circumstances do or would I allow that. I let my baby from the beginning when she could and did, put things in her mouth [others might say that's dangerous. I do/did not fear swallowing, choking], I let her try and climb things others might consider dangerous, I do not necessarily hold her hand when walking in the street (though I do pick her up when crossing a road) as I trust her, she knows she's not allowed to the road (but yes, I am always there looking, watching, I do know she is still a baby..). I do all these things that might be seen as dangerous. Road safety is where I say no. My baby must always be seated in a safety car seat, no compromise there [my sister, she's the opposite - telling her daughter how she can't climb this or that, but then starting to drive (home after picking son up from kindergarten, really a two minute drive) without him clicking in..].
Not sure how I go from here (finding a new nanny is not an option).


* nannies are mother and her 19 yr old daughter. the mother is the main guardian of my daughter and the one who lies..

EDT: a little of snooping, and I discovered today she has a safety car seat in her car. At least that. I am still very much not pleased she does it behind my back. [you know, maybe in cold and wet days, knowing she does have a car seat, I'd approve...]

a picture post

Rain rain DON'T go away
And do come again another day!!

I love it with the first rains, when it is still not too cold and the air is soooooo fresh. Yesterday I took the camera with me while going with Butterfly for a little walk aroud the neighbourhood.

Couldn't resist the camera as she is so cute in jeans and with the backpack she looks such a big girl! (she so loves bags, putting things in and carrying them, so why not a backpack..)

Just for the record - the previous day she wore boots and refused to go in any puddle. This time? Aren't puddles? fun???

[o.k will add that the boots aren't the most comfortable]

A girl and her bottle and her her mummy's keys!

Ahh it was a long hard walk. Let me freshen up with some water!

mums the word

[did you know that this expression comes from Shakespeare (or even earlier), mum an old word meaning silent?]

Well silent she still is :-(. Tomorrow she turns one year and five months. They say a baby should have their first word by a year and a half, so she has just one more month to produce those words, or else.... I am trying to remain calm amongst all those - oh, isn't she talking yet? She should be talking by now! Maybe you aren't talking to her enough? Why isn't she talking? Telling people that she is a bilingual and as such talking may be delayed. Moreso that her mother (i.e me..) also talked late [don't know when I said my first word, but my baby book says that at 18 months I said just three words...]. But you know, as much as I am trying to stay calm and when she'll be ready she'll speak (oh yeah, another one I'm told - how she won't stop babbling. yeah, can't wait for that), but inside I am very much worrying. What if there is something very wrong with her? She is very clever and understands so much it never seizes to amaze me and I don't think she's autistic or the likes (she makes beautiful eye contact), but maybe something else? Because I do have a feeling that not only are we not advancing on the speech level, but that she has gone back. She used to babble much more, and what's more I don't think I've heard her make two syllable sounds in ever so long.
But maybe she is trying to talk, to name things, and I just don't recognize? Lately she stands in the middle of the room and shouts very loudly "ma", and I have absolutely no idea what she wants (I ask - do you want this or that, and nope she doesn't want anything). The nanny says that her son taught my girl to say nigmar (=finished) when she has finished eating and that she says something like it (obviously not pronouncing the difficult "g"). I don't really know what and how she says because I haven't seen/heard it (they promised me a video!), so I don't know how true it is. But maybe I am the dumb one who doesn't understand her baby's talk!?
Anyway Sunday we have the 18 month check up at the child development centre (early due to a shot I won't be giving her..... well I am supposed to give her the third portion of the DT shot but she was a bit ill this week and she did have a bit of a bad reaction last time so anyway I'd like to delay it a bit, moreso with her being sick. but I don't want to delay this appointment because of, well above post..) so I'll see what she says there ["what she says", obviously the nurse, but can I think there might be a pan there? lol]
P.S
Can you see I am babbling nonsense as in last night we had a very BAD night and then wouldn't take her nap today and tonight.. I had to make three cups of tea, twice pouring it because it got cold because just when I was about to start drinking, madam woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep for some time??
o.k end.

On the other hand...

[first thank you so much for what you said :-)]

I have such an amazing daughter!! Really. I mean it would have been just enough that she was my daughter. On that account she doesn't have to be any more, but not only am I so lucky that this little girl is my daughter, but beyond being my daughter she is totally amazing!

And there's cuteness like in the shower, how she puts her hand to her liquid soap and "presses" it (I'm sure it won't be long before she figures that one out.. lol) and then does the motion of cleaning herself. Or bringing me my glasses so I can find her her bottle. Or carrying the heavy mineral water bottle so I can fill her bottle. Or the kisses she now gives, well not so much as a kiss, but you ask her for a kiss, and she brings her open mouth to you :-). [but only one at a time! ask for another and you won't get]. Or how she now waves hello and goodbye. Or bringing me toilet paper while I'm at the toilet. Well I should add that she seemed to be aiming it between my legs... And then one day when I was wiping myself after a trip to the loo, she had such a look on her face as if to say - that's how it is done. notes taken.. Or climbing into the chair where she eats (a booster on a regular chair). Or... could fill a page or two, should probably stop here..

And I look at her and can't believe she is mine. She is my little daughter! Don't know if it's because she so does not look like me or if because while I always wanted to be a mother, there was a dark time of too many years when I thought that would never happen. But she is here, and while I hardly have time for myslef, I do have my little Butterfly!

And I am thinking very much of number two (heck I even have a name, boy and girl!). And I've heard how the heart expands and all when you have that second (third, fourth, tenth....) child. But right now my little heart feels like it is almost going to explode from the love I have to her, and how can there be room to love another..

The Worst Mother

Yes, that would be me. People always ask me how are the nights and if she sleeps through the night etc. Well no and mostly I'm okay with that part of the night (and drives me crazy how people say/think poor me and how she should sleep a whole night blah blah. We bed share, I don't need to wake early for work, nights work for me/s). What people don't so much ask, and what does not work for me is the going to sleep. It could take two or more hours. Very frustrating. [even now while I'm typing she is very much awake and playing]. We actally did manage to establish a routine in the last week or so of bath/shower and then B.E.D. [oh please, we did try that in the past. didn't work..]. Today there was no shower (needed to turn boiler on for the first time, forgot one switch..... water was too cold..). And so no sleep. URG. [she is now going through all my old letters/cards, handing some to me, tearing others. shall I add another urg...]. Anyway [and sorry for this one big paragraph. not in the mood to do paragraphs] I am patient and patient and patient. But at some point I loose it. Well I used to be bad at that, I think I improved a lot, but still I get very impatient. So it is ten o'clock. She is finally in bed with some nice quiet music in the backgrond [a take two from about ten minutes earlier when she bit me throgh the shirt instead of waiting for me to prepare myself]. I'll cut it short to me not letting her off the bed (forgot she may need to pee) and her peeing on the bed and very angry me taking her to the potty, and might I add, I was not gentle taking her, rather I felt I was quite violent and violently putting her down. [23:00. someone is sleeping. hurray]. But that's not the worst part :-(. The potty happened to be near the corner of the cupboard. Putting her down she almost got a bang from it and there was this thought that passed my head how she would have deserved such a bang. Yes, please hang me in the town centre for being such an awful mum. While I didn't physically hurt her my manner was very violent. Did I mention in an earlier post becoming my father?? Don't remember if I did but these episodes so make me feel like I am.
Anyway having a cuppa tea, and on to my form and blog reading. Goodnight.

One and a third

[H in title probably last one in post as one needs to press key very ard. And let me tell you tat in ebrew it is very bad as te ebrew letter is someting like an e, very popular.. and I'm tired of stopping my flow of writing tinking for tat letter. Okay, migt be a bit of a callange to read me today :-))]

So, my little girl is one and a tird, wic obviously means a little summery ;-).
Rigt now my little princess is sleeping wit only one sleeve on. ad to cange er wile se's sleeping - we did a ead and one arm, waiting wit te oter arm.. [omg, I sould probably put an X were tere was a certain letter!] Some nigXts are easier, some more difficult, but mostly it's still quiet a cXallange getting Xer to sleep.
Xer water bottle is Xer dummy, and until a week or two ago, sXe would go to sleep Xaving some water and tXen a bit of (my) milk and so on. And nigXts wXen sXe doesn't go straigXt to sleep, i.e most nigXts, tXat [can I skip te X?] means a lot of water. And a lot of pee. And a very frustrated moter. And a wasload for just one nigt.
And ten I stopped giving water at nigt. And o my, wat a difference! We evan ad a nigt + morning nap wit te bed being dry! Yes rare event.

Wic leads to te toilet training. It is going painfully slow. Backwards, more like. Neverte less, I no longer put a nappy on er and don't intend to. I really ated er being wit a nappy and I would rater deal wit all te misses and wit nasty angry family members [tere is a post I've been wanting to write for some time. not about said person but wit relevance] tan a nappy. I just wis we would be moving forward :-(.

On to a appier subject - finally (after 4 monts of walking!) I got Butterfly a pair of soes. Was very funny seeing er try to walk in tem in te sop, se was like an elepant on te moon :-). But se got te ang of it quite quickly and se loves wearing tem!

I'm a bit sad because does tis mean an end to my little girl wo will walk on anyting bare footed? I ate wearing soes and I kind of liked ow se is not affraid to walk on stones and te likes [side note - se does so because se wants. se does not ave to go to were te cats are fed and play wit teir food or go on er own free will to my sister's ouse....]

And I don't know if it's te new soes, but se now does. not. like. te. pram. I walked wit er to a distant playground, pusing te pram as a potty older and if/wen girl gets tired. Well returning ome se got tired but would not go in te pram just wanted to be eld. I don't mind olding er and I do tat a lot, but not wen tere's a pram. So we ad a little scene.... And I ad my very bad mummy moment trying to force er in. We ended up wit er sitting on te ood (Xood).

Se is a very stubborn or sould I say persistant little girl. If se as er eyes on someting se will try and try and try and again try. Like putting on sorts [sXorts..] and/or knickers. O.K, se loves playing wit my knickers, put tem on er ead, as a necklace etc. But wit ers se mostly tries to wear tem properly. And as I said, se really tries ard at it. Te oter day se actually managed to put on a pair of sorts, one leg in eac ole, only er big butt (our little screet, but my girl really Xas a big butt!) in te way.. Se does not understand te one leg in eac ole, so it really was a fluke, but se is trying.

Se's a good eater (in fact we just ad a growt spurt te oter day, or sould I say nigt). Toug funny ow se isn't so muc into bread. Mostly se will "lick" te spread [usually ceese]. I try sitting wit er at tat little table in above picture so as to eat meals togete. O and tat table.. I found it once wile coming back from a walk wit er. Was quite difficult as it is eavy and ow do you take it and te pram?? But I knew it would be gone so I someow managed. Ten at ome I painted it/ decorated wit stickers. Not te best job, but I am quite proud..

P.S

For obvious reasons, I'm not spell cecking. ope not too many mistakes...

P.P.S

Xope it wasn't too difficult to read. Sould I edit putting Xs in?

My Yom Kippur

There will always be that Yom Kippur. The one in '73. Not only was it a big trauma for my country, but for me this is my first memory*. I remember visiting my mother in the hospital as she just gave birth to my little sister (#6), and how they covered all the windows in black. And the atmosphere, oh I can remember the tense and serious atmosphere all around.


And of course there is this Yom Kippur. Maybe not my daughter's first, but certainly the first with some meaning. So we walked on the road - oh yes, on the road! Yom Kippur is also called here bike holiday as nobody drives! For years I really hated YK except for the walking in the middle of the road, always loved being able to do that, and now my daughter can too :-). And she is such an independent little girl, going here and there, and she really goes off without caring if I'm around.
And I wasn't planning to, so we weren't really dressed nicely, but towards the end we went into the synagogue and let her absorb the atmosphere, the praying and all the people and most importantly - hearing the shofar!


But my Yom Kippur is and will always be the one three** years ago. The one in which I just got my second Beta results. I hardly went in for the first one as I just knew I was not pregnant, only going for the Beta so as not to have to go through Yom Kippur with even the slightest hope. But oh my, what a lovely number and quickly to find where I can have that second Beta taken on Yom Kippur eve! Finding out I was most certainly pregnant on Yom Kippur - that will always be meaningful for me!!


* Actually I know today that these are more than one memory that got mixed together, as my sister was born on the first and the war broke out on the 6th.

** (EDT) O.K this is probably why I am not a math teacher: it was the third YK since and including, meaning TWO years ago....

Shana Tova!

Happy New Year to all who are going to celebrate tomorrow night :-)

some bullets..

• I have so many blogs on my reader and however much I read, I don't seem to be able to close the gap. I mean there would be nights I'm so happy how I managed to decrease the number, but then the next night I won't be able to read, and the next.. omg! how did that number shoot up again.. And yes, my fault for adding new blogs to my reader! And yes, have and will be taken off my reader. Mainly those who, while I have commented and not just an occasional once, have never bothered to acknowledge me. Yes, I read them because they are interesting, but since it is too much... And yes, I might have to press the 'read all' button :-(. And yes, tonight I am writing this post instead of reading...


• Funny thing I've discovered about my nanny today.. Well while it is not a requirement of mine, she (well actually they - it's a mother and her 19 yr daughter) also does some cleaning and tidying which is very nice of her. Now I try and put plastics aside for recycling, unfortunately they go too often into the bin, and the refundable bottles aside too. Those I mean to take in when I've "collected" a fair amount. Except they always seem to disappear. I assumed she throws them away and didn't want to mention it. Anyway today I met the daughter taking my girl for a walk in the pram (I came home a bit early, they were near the house), and later when I unload the pram, I discover a bag with some refundable bottles! Kind of not nice that she took them without asking!! Maybe she thought I wouldn't notice or that I don't bother getting the refund or else. She still should have asked if it's okay with me..


• On a close topic to something that I want to blog about, this person who was giving me a hard time [on my SMC forum] between other things for toilet training my daughter at such an early age, is now reporting problems with toilet training her 2 yr daughter, mainly with refusing to do poo in the potty. Saying how the girl sees poo as part of her body etc. My daughter? While we are still toilet training (and while we do have a relapse with the poo) she does know it's poo and not part of her body etc. I so want to write something snarky, but I will be a better person than she is! (but I still need to let it out, so I'm using this platform :-))


• Can't get it how parents will go crazy about things in baby's mouth but will not make too big a deal at things like walking off to the road (from the playground). I do allow Butterfly almost anything in her mouth (I actually believe it is good for her), but if she goes too near the road, I give a loud and clear NO! [well actually I use the Hebrew - Asur = mustn't..] This other mother.. was going oh what a monkey you are while chasing her little toddler. I think this gives the message of the road being a game.. oh well... [and yes, I was told earlier my girl might choke (let me add - from the teat of the bottle!!)]


• asur.. Speaking of which, twice I heard fathers tell their kids "I don't agree" to whatever they were doing (today it was another kid attempting to go down to the road [yes, this playground is a bit too near the road, though one with not a lot of cars], don't remember what it was the other day). I don't know, I would say: "I don't allow". Just semantics :-)..


• Girl went to sleep very easy tonight! (we are not having too good a night lately, and feeling those two lumps where the two bottom molars are supposed to pop out, I'm guessing we are in for it in the next few days) So I'm going to finish this post, and head off to sleep :-).

A rant concerning google/blogger. Up until a couple of months ago all was nice. I had my google account and blogger and I when I opened my computer I was already logged in and no problem leaving comments with my blogger identity.
I know it was a Friday the 13th, I think June, when all went wrong. Blogger had this day or two when blogs disappeared and then reappeared twice etc. And there was also some mess with the commenting. At the time I got into the help forum to see what it's about. Well people were complaining and complaining and complaining and not a representative in sight! Anyway the advice I read was to remove the tick on the remember me box. And yes, that helped. Somewhat. I still, when commenting, need to go to preview, get a screen saying there's an error, go back and only then leave a comment (of course if I forget and don't do copy to the comment I wrote, I loose it and have to write it again [sometimes I am clever and just "write" a letter or two and go to the preview]. And you know, more than that, e-v-e-r-y t-i-m-e I want to get into one of the google appliances, I have to log myself in again. I mean I'm sitting at the computer, want to check my g-mail - log in, want to then read some blogs on my reader - log in, want to do a google search and have the picture I chose to be my page - log in, want to comment - log in. You get the picture, pretty annoying!
Yesterday I really had enough so I ticked the remember me box. When I tried to comment (again needing to do preview), I got this message

Seriously? I have no access to this page?? FruitFish that would be your microwave post! O.K so I'm back to commenting anonymously but more so really pissed off with google/blogger.

Oh and can I add a little rant about dear daughter? We were listening to this song, HER song on youtube (didn't even know about this song until not so long ago. Unfortunately it's in the masculine as it's commonly a boy's name)



And she was enjoying herself, tapping with the mouse. Hmm, a bit too hard it seems. The right click button doesn't work now..

CD1

Happy and not so happy. I am just one week shy of being two years without my period! Two years of not having to worry for that monthly blood. Yeah, so that's the not so happy me.
On the other hand..I had thoughts that maybe I went from giving birth straight to menopause - is that how old I am?!? Scary! More so - no blood, no child number two! I so want to have another child! I want another child because I always wanted a large family. Two is probably the most I'll get but I'll take it.. After the birth I had and the bad start I had with the nursing, I'd also like another child to amend, to do things better next time. Again this is not the reason why I'd like another child, but it is there too. Up till not so long ago, as much as I desired that second child, I didn't think I'd be able to have him/her. Now I am becoming more and more confident that I can make it happen. As I would like to give my existing daughter the most in her first few years in life including breastfeeding her till the age of two, I think I'll wait with ttc. This time next year, when I've come back from the London Olympics, is when I'd like to start. I know the downside with my age is that I might miss the train, but I can't have everything, and even if I try now no one can guarantee I'll be successful. And all the stress and needing to ween her and all. No, I prefer to wait for now and if I won't be able to produce a sibling then we will just have to be a family of two!

Where.... How.....

O.K so I won't be writing that breastfeeding post, but I thought I'd share where and/or how I breastfed my little girl in the last 14 months:

• in the hospital


• at home (like dah!)


• on a not so comfortable chair


• on better chairs


• on the sofa


• with a nursing pillow (never got the hang of that!)


• while sitting up in bed


• while lying in bed (so much better!)


• on a rocking chair


• on the garden swing


• on the floor


• on the ground


• on the playing mat


• by the computer


• while daughter is peeing in the bowl at night (we had a time when she completely objected to peeing in the bowl even though she had to go. Breastfeeding her while holding her over the bowl was a life-saver. And yes, it's probably not something I should have done, but well..


• while mummy is doing what she is doing on the loo (and let me just say, not just peeing....) [out latest addition to the list as I said I won't let her nurse while I'm on the potty, but oh well...]


• in the bath (together with her in the bath)


• in the washing basin (she in, me sitting outside and serving her.. [what can I do, had to bribe her to take a bath lol])


• in the shower - first while sitting on the floor then standing up with me bending over..)


• in the facility of the swimming pool


• inside the swimming pool itself


• at the beach [I think I'd like to add in the sea itself next time I go, lol]


• at the playground


• in a library


• other people's houses


• while walking (not fun, but sometimes a necessity)

[I wonder what I've forgotten...]

Breastfeeding Awareness Week

[image from Peacful Parenting]

Wanted to write this post on Monday, on the start of the breastfeeding awareness week, but didn't get round to it. And I'm hot and tired these days (not easy being 24/7 with a little baby. As much as I love her and cherish how lucky I am to have her, it is still not easy being the sole one responsible for her nurishment, entertainment, education, etc etc etc.. and did I say hot? and humid? oh, so very humid!). Wanted to bubble a bit about how breastfeeding is for us, but well.. see above. So I'll just say that above icon - that is soooo how my little girl nurses! She just cannot be still, all the time twisting and turning and wanting to get off the sofa (while still nursing, yeah?) or doing this or that. She really is probably practicing for the breastfeeding olympics! The picture below was taken on the day of her birthday. I love that picture! (it is currently the one on the background on my computer)

Toilet Training

(yes, she is sitting the wrong way.. very cute how she learnt to climb onto the potty, sometimes she does it the right way and sometimes the wrong. As long as she's comfy....)

I really hate having her in nappies. Not so all the bother around nappies (and.. when I do have to, not so easy putting one on her!) but just the fact that she has a nappy, that if/when she does a number two she is doing it on herself. But I wanted her to be able to stand (without holding) first. So I waited. On her first birthday, to celebrate, I bought a (well actually two) potty. Yes, time to begin!

She already had awareness as to her body wastes as we have been practicing EC from when she was 2 months old. We are far from perfect with the EC, but at least she is well aware of peeing/pooing. There are places/situations where she will not pee if she can (she can't hold too long..), like in the car or the sling or in the water etc.
Besides that, she picked up very quickly what's the potty for. So you'd think in no time I'd have a toilet trained girl.. think again! Somehow the connection - I need to pee..... potty is for peeing..... I'll go in the potty...... has not yet been made. She did once or twice go (oh, and the other morning.. waking up and getting out, while I'm still in bed, going and peeing in the potty... it was just too cute, lol) but really what happens mostly is that I either see she is about to go (mainly with the poos) or peeing, which when I quickly take her to the potty saying again and again how the potty is for peepy weepy / caky waky [yeah..] and when/if she finishes of in the potty, of course I celebrate. And yes, I do ask/tell her many times if she needs to go. So far I haven't shown too much discomfort for her misses, but maybe I should - showing her not only how I'm happy when she does it right, but how I am very not pleased when she doesn't.

I would have thought that a month of that would let the dime fall. I am determined to have her toilet trained by the winter, but sometimes it feels like we are stuck in the same place..
If I don't get it done by September, I hope (and believe) the nanny will help.. (but I really would rather not).

And while on the subject, a funny comment from her almost 2.5 cousin (boy) - while being changed for a poo nappy (and I was saying to Butterfly - look J-J is having his nappy changed, she doesn't too often see other kids with nappies..), and might I add that he is in a 'mine' stage. Well he says to her in a this is mine tone that nappies are only for boys! (seems all the girls in kindergarten (+his older sister) are already toilet trained [and Butterfly walks around the house with only a shirt])

BFP!

Yes, that would be a Big Fat Positive.. No, not my bfp (hmmm.. I think you'd know if/when I'll be trying again :-) ), my sister's! Yes, my younger sister is now pregnant. And more than how (donor sperm, another SMC in the making..), do you want to know how many attempts it took her? One! How lucky is that!! To get knocked on your first time! Hell, she did not even know what a Beta is... And yes, let be go back to the SMC thing I just mentioned.. My sister, after seeing me and my daughter, has decided also to try and become a mother by herself. Unlike me she has very much dated guys, but well.. Anyway it's kind of weird.. [at some point I was asked if I wouldn't mind if she'd use the same donor I used. hmmm ignoring the fact that he doesn't donate anymore so it is a total hypothetical question, I think I'd rather not..]. And I am very happy for her. Very happy.

And now can I the rants? Little rant and big rant.. Little rant - She will go into motherhood younger than me! [I was almost three weeks over forty. She should deliver about two months before her 40th..]. In fact, out of all the sisters, I who always wanted to be a mother much more than any one of them, I turned out to be the oldest mother. And you know, her first attempt...
And oh big rant.. what she said. She says that succeeding on that first attempt might be little luck, but it's mainly her working on herself,"cleaning" herself up. May I say a big hmmmm?! Because while it is not what she is saying, it is very much implied that I and many of us who needed/s a bit more than one attempt, in fact take ten tries, over a year or two, IVF, etc.. are in the wrong set of mind. That we don't want it as badly as she and/or didn't do the work she did. Isn't that a just relax?? You were lucky sister, that's all, very very lucky. And yes, your state of mind might have helped somewhat, but to say that's why you got pregnant so easily?? And can I say that she was not determined like me to go this route, that she had many doubts and it took her some time to get going.. As I said, she didn't mean all this, but I most certainly understand it from between the lines and it very much pisses me of! And yet, I want to finish this post by saying again how happy I am for her!

1 year 1 month 1 week 1 day 1 hour

A little girl in this world has just* discovered she can open cupboards. And oh the joys that await her!!

Oh yummy!

Silly mummy! Showing me this cupboard so I won't go to the nearby one with the bottles of oil etc (some glass). Because look what I found!


The loot!

Running away with the loot!

Some crackers for the way..

And another one..

Another cupboard! And oh, what do we have here!!!

Mummy! Look what I found!

* Well scheduling this post. Pictures really taken ten days ago..

Creative Drawing Workshop

To celebrate sister#5's birthday, we sisters were all invited to a creative drawing workshop, guided by her (she dreams of doing such workshops, so we were a test workshop..). I will admit that when we sat around the table to begin, and it hit me, I got scared, because me? I do like art and artwork and all, but I can't draw!!

The title of the workshop was harmony. We were to look at the beauty around us (and such a pity she has to leave that gorgeous place next week! [the rent period is finished..]), the trees, the flowers the colours of nature, listen to the birds and the wind and all. To get us in the right mood, she started of with a short meditation, then it was off to work.. *

First thing, getting the canvas ready by painting it with this white paint. Then we had to choose four colours (plus white) to work with, and only work with them. Well, I think we all cheated there lol, as we ended up adding a little bit of this or that... What was quite amazing was sisters #3 and #6 choosing the exact same colours as can be seen in the photo below [sister #3, whose plate is on the left, added the middle colour later after a long hesitation....] (they did not sit next to each other and did not see what the other was picking) [p.s - that's my plate on the right :-)]

We started of by covering the canvas with colour. While my sisters got nice patches of colours, mine just blending into one brownish not so nice colour. Oh well, washed some of it off and started anew.

Next we were to look at what came out and see what we can see and work on that. Yay, something that I'm good at! I immediately saw this half blown down tree (unfortunately, being quick in finding, I've already started painting when sister #6 took the picture, so imagine below picture without the blue and red..) Asking sister #5 how to do the sun, as I thought I had to stick to what was and just do an outline here and there, she talked something about roundness and/or softness, don't exactly remember except that was not my sun! my sun was warm and radiant! My sun sent out her rays.. Well actually I started with the red with the thought of adding yellow, but I loved it, so added just a little bit of yellow... Funny but it felt like the sun was Butterfly (and at the end one of the sisters said too that it felt to her like the sun was Butterfly!).

And this is my picture ended looking like..
All in all, it was a lovely way to celebrate her birthday! Sister #5 is promising another workshop. Can't wait :-)).

* one of these of/fs is the right one, but which?!?

P.P.S
I am maybe not a big fun of alcoholic beverages, but.... first time in I think two and a half years (from early Sep when I conceived) that I had some wine...

First time at the sea..

love this picture!

but lets start at the beginning, when Butterfly still had a swimming suit on! (and why yes, that's yoghurt all over my trousers..)


so they dug this hole, made me sit in it, and now filling it with water!?



bye bye sea! I think I do like you, even if at first I didn't know what to do with you. I think mummy giving me a seashell to put in my mouth [sis: "she has something in her mouth" me:"yes, I put it there....." helped me understand this strange new place..

walking - a video

P.S
Funny how I thought she can't get into a standing position without help, thinking that maybe it's not something all babies do. Today, both on the video (didn't see it at the time..) and again later today, she did it so effortlessly..

walking -- take 2

[was going to write this post earlier today but somehow didn't. went to bed, but felt I (damn that shift button that keeps getting stuck) needed to commemorate, so hopefully I won't be long..]

As I wrote on an earlier post, Butterfly woke up one day and started walking, and I was so glad! I mean she has been crawling for 6 (yes, 6!) months. People tell me how crawling is important and all, and I agree, but well I think she has done more than enough of crawling :-), time to move on. But, hmmm.. next few days she had a high temperature and kind of lost that walking thing.
Added to that the standing from nowhere in the middle of the room, or rather the not standing from nowhere. A friend (who has two kids, the younger being exactly two months older than Butterfly and also an early walker) told me that before they actually walk they do that, get to a standing position without any aid. And then Heather wrote how K practiced getting up from nowhere and from there continued to walking. And besides one and only time (before I announced her walking) I have not seen Butterfly do so. So I thought I thought I had an early walker and well maybe not so.
Anyway she was a few days with a fever and a few more days to recover. Coming back from that, walking did come back, but at a slow pace.
But today, Madam Butterfly woke up and decided it's walking for her! I would say she still feels more confident crawling (have I mentioned doing this for six long months..) but there's something now about walking. I really feel she woke up this morning in a walking mood, and hopefully will be walking solely very soon.
Oh, and if I'm already writing, let me tell you about her look on her face when she's trying to make the decision if to walk or crawl. Too cute that serious face of hers!

As much as I am happy my little baby is growing, I am a little sad. My little baby very soon won't be a baby anymore.. She is growing so fast!

one אחת en หนึ่ง ένα jeden واحد une एक един uno

1 Year of........... breastfeeding
We had a very hard start to breastfeeding. If I ever do get lucky (luckier that is..) and have another baby, I do know now better. I know to (attempt to) give birth in a place that won't force a seperation right after birth between mother and baby (dare I dream of a home birth?) and to not take child to child development centre until I get the breastfeeding going (seriously, the nurse there was very much on top of me about how I'm starving my child. I do know now that breastfed babies have other charts....) and to seek support like the LLL group (when I did join at 4.5 months, it really was great, one of the main contributers for bringing me back to breastfeeding almost fully. If there will be a next time, I'd like to go to this group much earlier on). etc etc etc.
But with all the difficulties I was having (breastfeeding and pumping, and oh did both hurt, but mainly the pumping, and the pills I took that gave me a back ache and a terrible nausea and a gassy feeling but unable to reasle [and oh, do I know how babies feel!] until I vomited....), I never gave up. It was (still is) very important for me that my girl gets my milk. Unfortunatly for the first few months she was mainly nurished by formula. Some would say how lucky I am to live in such an age. I think otherwise, but well... Anyway she still got some of my milk every day.
And then the nursing got better (or more, I started to believe in myself!) and we slowly dropped the bottle (yeah, solids helped but not at first. at first it was more mummy milk so less bottle milk).
Today we are in a good place [yes, she is one year old and I am still breast feeding. Can I pause and say yay!] where we do eat our solids but we also nurse a lot [and I'll add that bottle is only for water!] . And I'm loving it! And she so obviously loves the breasts too. I do often wonder what is there to like about it, I mean it is hard work getting the milk out, lol, but if at one time I wondered whether I'd ever get to the half year point, let alone the year point, I now know the sky' the limit.. I'd like to breastfeed her until she doesn't want any more, be it two, three or older [can you imagine me in an old age home nursing my middle aged daughter? ha ha ha]
And oh, what a nurser do I have! She is so not a lie in your lap and peacfully suck from the breast. Oh no, not my litttle girl! She has to move the whole time like standing up (if I'm on the mat) or getting of the sofa (if I'm on the sofa..) or climb over me (when lying in bed) all while my nipple is still in her mouth! Yes, we probably could win a gold medal in some sort of catagury in a breastfeeding olympics! And we've nursed in the baths and showers (we now take showers together, both sitting on the floor) and while I was walking (that I didn't like) and when taking her to pee in the middle of the night...


12 Months of............. bedsharing
I know it is mostly called co-sleeping, but I prefer the term 'bed-sharing' as co-sleeping could be the same bed, and could be a parent bed and a co-sleeper cot by the parent bed. We share the same bed.
Coming home from the hospital, after a traumatic birth, mother said: you're staying here (at her place), and so while I wanted to share the bed, Butterfly was mostly in a cradle and I was either on the folding bed (too dangerous to share with a newborn..) or the sofa (probably also not the safest but I would sometimes sleep with her trusting my body and my instincts). So there wasn't much bed sharing in those early days.
Then we went up to my place, first only for the nights, having day time naps at mum's and then for all sleep.
I vaguly remember those early days. I know I was a bit scared about doing the bed sharing thing, but also trusted very much my instincts. And then she was rolling. First time she fell from the bed, I shamefully admit to laughing (she was probably too stunned to cry..). Second time? That's when I decided to take my bed apart and just have the matteres. So now we both sleep on the mattress, and oh, how I love it!! It is so lovely to be able to snuggle up to your daughter at night, even if I mostly turn to the side and sleep with my back to her, I love that all I have to do when she wakes is turn around (and pick up my shirt of course.. which reminds me of those early days when once or twice she woke to nurse and before I was awake, I would feel her mouth more or less on my nipple [though.. hmmm.. I was wearing a shirt, so she wasn't getting milk..]). I also love how when I'm at the computer while she's having her daily nap [at nights she cries] and she wakes up, love how she quietly gets up and crawls over, knowing I am in the other room.
But if we are on to our sleeping arangenments, surly me must add a word or two about sleeping! Well while she is sleeping so much better, it is not always easy. We now have one nap a day, but evan so, there's a little girl here who thinks the day isn't long enough, and evan with a noon nap, would fight going to sleep.


52 Weeks of............... eliminating communicating
Elimination Communicatin is (in short) when you raise your kid without nappies. You learn your baby's signals when s/he needs to go (and baby learns your signals - when and where she can go.
Anyway the main reason for wanting to do EC was the C, communication. Alas, was/is not so easy.. I started just before she turned 2 months (didn't earlier because I first wanted to get breastfeeding right, at two months I realized that if I wait for breastfeeding to be all fine, I might never be doing EC). Taking her nappy off those first two days to seek paterns was quite scary, but it was worth it because I did learn from it. Well I had the peeing going more or less (probably 'less' but still), but had a hard time identifying poos. Till this day she is vey quite when she has a number two, I sometimes realise it is too quite, and sure enough when I turn around she is in the process (sometimes very early as in nothing came out yet so we dash to the loo. Sorry if tmi). Well the peeing, or more knowing when she needs to pee, was o.k until winter came. Somehow with the need to wear long clothes (and mostly also a nappy) I've lost it. I still haven't really yet found it, and peeing is usually a miss (or a refusal, yes, she does that a lot, and how annoying to be right but still needing to clean a puddle..). Today, many times when she needs to pee, she would go to "her corner" and stand and pee (she is so smart!), or come to me while I'm on the computer and cry (which somehow I always miss, thinking she wants me to be with her..). So maybe we're off with the cues, but she knows she needs to pee and she knows it is to be done in a special place. I am going to buy a potty or two on her birthday and try and "toilet train" her this summer.
That is as far as days are concerned. As for the nights.. Well I can proudly announce that at one year of age she has never, yes NEVER peed in her sleep. Needless to say didn't poo either. That doesn't mean we have long dry nights. No, she wakes up every so often to go. And most nights, I do have a miss or two (mainly because I'd hear her stirring but be too tired to realize..). And I embrace those nightly wakings as I am not allowing her to "learn" to loose control of her bladder in sleep. And yes, from the age of two months, she has never went to bed at night with a nappy! Even when we were having a very bad time, and I was really thinking of just letting her sleep with a nappy, I didn't.
Our new thing now at nights, as she is queen of refusals (screaming and getting herself wide awake [as opposed to being half awake] and making it much harder to be put back to sleep, and becaue I'm not always sure if she needs to pee or just wants the breast, well (too long a sentence..) our new thing is to let her nurse while I'm holding her over the bowl!


365 Days of............... personality
Oh my little girl has such a personality! From the minute she was born she was so alert and so curious anout the world. I know I mentioned before how when they took her to the nursery and how all the other babies around her were either asleep or crying loud and she just looked around, absorving it all. Till this day, she is such a curious girl, wanting to know about the world around her. And she doesn't just keep it at being curious, she investigates and learns. Many times she would turn something to look at its back, to see how it works.
She is also very very active. All the time on the go. Sometimes when going to sleep, she would want to lie on me, but then every few seconds she would change positions. She just can't lie still :-).
And she's physical (and might I add very strong!) and many things she taught herself. For examle climbing the slide (and as much as she loves climbing them, she's not too fond of the ride down..) and climbing up the sofa and down (though she didn't do that trick again..).
On the down side, I'd say that like her mother she is not a big smiler. Her face is usually with a serious (should I say curious?) look on it. But when she smiles.. :-)))Love her smiling face in the morning when we decide to indeed get up..

525 948.766 Minutes of........ moving around
They say that new born babies, when put on their mothers' abdomen, can wiggle themseleves up to her breasts. Of course I had to try that when Butterfly was just a few days old, and that is so amazing! And as young as a month or two, I would put her on a mat and she would be able to make some advancment (though with no aim or purpose, just her moving her body, so can not call that crawling..). So I had/have a very active baby, one who is on the go the whole time.
At four months (and one week :-)) she was rolling both ways (from tummy to back and from back to tummy). Then, just before she turned 6 months, she amazed me with her sitting. She simultanously tought herself both to sit and crawl, advancing somewhat on crawling, then the sitting, then again crawling, etc. Crawling, I alwyas knew she'd do early, so not really surprised but that, but the sitting.. I would like to add that we here in Israel are very firm on the no putting babies in a sitting position until they can sit (a bumbo chair, for eg. is a very big no no), which means asking all the time if the angle [and yes, on the laps babies who are not yet sitting are only held in a wide angle is o.k so as not to be sitting] and feeding in a jumper (I think that's what you call it in English. will add that by nine months if baby is still not sitting a high chair for food is o.k...) etc. I think 9 months is when about a baby can sit on their own, and what I was expecting. So how happy was I when she did so at 6 months! And sitting is great, freeing both hands.. [but if they sit before they crawl most likely they won't crawl and that's not the best thing for them. crawling is important].
At 7 months she was standing, and I thought I'll have an early walker, but.. didn't really seem to advance. I think it was 9 months when she started cruising, and then pushing a chair or whatever. On Independence Day she took her first step! (well a quarter of a step, but still a first..) and then almost nothing and then a month later she astonished me by really walking. But then she got a high temperature and she kind of lost it.. She now occasionaly does two or three steps.. Well I'm sure true walking is just around the corner! [and she is funny with those three steps, by the third one her body is so leaning forward, if I catch her she's fall..
But as you saw on the video, she loves climbing the slide (not so going down it..) and loves climbing stairs and going in the tunnel in the playground.


31 556 926 Seconds of........ beauty
My daughter, gorgeous and amazing as she is, does not look at all like me. When I'm out with my mother and her, people quite often will comment how the two of them look alike (they actually don't look too alike besides the blueness of their eyes), but not me. Funny how before giving birth I thought nothing of how she would look. But before giving birth I "knew" she would have some of my features. Well "knew" alright. In the beginning I had a slight fear, not a real fear as I knew she was indeed my baby, but still this thought kept creeping by - what if they made a mistake on transfer day? Not that I wouldn't love her as much as I do if she wasn't biologicaly mine, but.. if she's not mine then she's someone's else! And yes, most likely I've been watching (in my past, haha) too many of those kind of films.
But besides that, I am still having a hard time believing this little girl is my daughter. My daughter. I think it's hard for me to grasp also because of her looks.
And then last night**, when she was sleeping before I went to bed, coming into the dark room, I saw MiniMe lying there. Something about how she lay all spread out (not that I sleep like that, but still) and her hair, oh her hair! (as it was dark I couldn't see how fair her hair is...) What a delight!
And yes, I think Butterfly is gorgeous and amazing and very beautiful (probably a good thing she doesn't look like me, lol). I am so lucky to have her as my daughter :-).


* note - I used google translate for the title, so.. if it's not accurate (in Hebrew, for example, there are two ways of saying 'one'. Google translate had the wrong one..), I'm sorry.

** hmmm... typing this in bits and pieces, so last night was not the 15th (not that it matters)

warning about turning private

Just a quick post to tell you what I've just discovered - a blogger I have just recently added to my reader (from the ICLW) has closed her blogs to invites only. O.K, I am new, didn't really comment yet so she doesn't know me, so of course I have no access to read her blog. So when I try and get into her blog I have the invites only message.
BUT, you want to know how and why I tried getting into her blog? Because I have the full posts in my reader! That is, because I added her blog to my reader before she turned private (I wonder if it's possible even after turning private), I can still read her posts!
Just thought I'd warn in case you thought about going private..

P.S
Thought of warning her too (because obviously there was a reason why she turned private), but here's another fault with blogger - they mention connecting with blogger owner for permission, but how??

EDT: As she did comment on my blog on that week, and as she does have her e-mail on her user profile, I did manage to send her an note telling her about this.

!~WALKING~!

Butterfly took her first (quarter of) independent step on Independence Day (yeap :-) ), that was about a month ago (10th of May). But then nothing, until the day before my birthday when she took a few two-three steps. I thought that by the next day I'd have a lovely present, but, well.. we were back to nothing.

A few days ago she started again taking two, three even four steps. Then the night before last, I dreamt she was walking and counted thirteen steps. Next day, besides the two-three steps, she also had a solo performance of 9! steps. And today there was quite a lot of walking! [there were even twenty steps at one time. and yes, I'm counting.....]

OMG I have a walker!!! And yay for my little girl for doing it (just) before her first birthday!
I do hope to get (and post..) a video of it soon.

Nanny Gone Nanny Come

Still trying to figure what happened that last day of ex-nanny. Yes, she no longer works here. I managed to find someone new, who will hopefully help me now in June and then in the next school year. She sounds good, even very good, just hope I won't be disappointed.
Anyway, the last day of ex-nanny and before the cross words between me and her were said. Before that, it was supposed to be a normal day, but well, it wasn't. When I asked her at the end of the day (again, we're still in the before mode), how it was I got the - oh the usual. Had to dig in and ask her to find her completely lying in regards to Butterfly's sleep - the hours changing and the story at which Butterfly just fell asleep in the pram while taken for a walk (oh, I wish it was that easy to get her to sleep!) and then nanny moved her to sleep in the house (another urg about nanny is how she puts my girl to sleep but that's not for now) and my little girl did not stir. Yes, so unlikely of Butterfly. And can I add that we are talking two or three hours (depend on what version to go) after she had a nice lengthy two hour morning nap??
But then there was no walk, no being out and about. She most likely did force a nap on Butterfly (I asked her not to put her to sleep because she really does not need that extra nap. When asked, I said that if she falls asleep, not to wake her up. Hence my daughter "falling asleep" on the way...).
There's my sister hearing her shout at my girl and the yogurt bowl only half eaten (so not typical).
So what happened?? Did she speak to some friends and decided it was her last day so she can be nasty to my daughter (and yes, I don't think she was too nice to her that last day. Up till then she was mediocre minus, after Thursday she, well you can figure..

And then the work day ended and she asked if I'm still not planning on giving her a letter of recommendation. Nope, she does not deserve one in my eyes. You can't come to work a whole year thinking only about yourself and your comforts and bending the needs/wants of the one you are supposed to care for (who was a total helpless) and then hope to get a reward on that. Anyway I said that no (I actually thought she was beyond and understood she won't get such letter from me) to which she said that she won't be coming anymore and can she have the two days wages (it was on the 2nd, and I paid her [hmm that day] for the month of May). Well no! Didn't and won't pay her for those two days, and as we say in Hebrew, she can jump me!
And you know, the stupid nanny lost all ways - she didn't get paid those two days (come on, in the same sentence she says she quits without giving me notice and then asking for money!?), she does not have a job and she does not have a letter of recommendation. As for me and Butterfly, I can only be pleased she won't be coming.


P.S
And you know, now that Butterfly does not have that extra nap, she goes to sleep at night much earlier and so much easier. It is no longer around 22:30 after about two long frustrating hours of trying to put her to sleep, but at around 20:00 and within maybe twenty minutes.

June

Have you noticed the time on this post? It took me till almost 22:30 to get Butterfly to sleep. sigh. And it's not the first day nor will it be the last where it is difficult to put her to sleep. I suspect she doesn't really need her afternoon nap anymore. Asked nanny to not put her to sleep. Of curse nanny put her to sleep. Urg! And today was her easy day, only 3.5 hours (other days range from 4 till almost 5). When I showed my disapproval, nanny goes about waking her up from her nap.NO! Once she's sleeping, please do not wake her up, but then again please do not put her to sleep. The result no doubt is it taking me forever to put her to sleep for the night. And oh we had some bitings and goofing and being really tired but also not enough in order to just lay and relax and fall asleep. Knowing I'll have a hard time, I took her to the playground before supper and all. Could do that today as it was relatively early. Can't do so every day.

And I so didn't plan to write so much about that! [I did want to do a post about the ICLW and how I was really good the first half of the week and how the second half... with blogger having some kind of problems with the sign in to comment, Butterfly going to sleep very late, it being hot, me not feeling well.. well the second half didn't go too well]*

But if I did write so much above.. nanny stuff. I have not been pleased with this nanny at all during the year. Lots of small things and big things. Basically she's about her and how to make it better for her, less about my girl. For example she has never put a CD on for my daughter, only the radio for her entertainment, not taking her for walks (and then taking her to the playground but keeping her strapped in the pram [except when she puts her on the swing]. "for her safety" she says. what she should do is go around chasing my little girl and making sure she's fine. i can't tell her to let her loose because then i would be responsible if anything happened and well as i am not around, i can't be) and making her sleep. I do not know what she does. I do know how I can't get her to have a second nap on weekends. But of course it is easier for her if Butterfly sleeps and hour or two (and between you and me, if not for our dear nights [it's 23:45! yikes] I'd really rather as it would mean less time of nanny actually being with my girl). So anyway not pleased with her. Now I didn't look for anyone to replace her as I was both scared that before I had someone nanny would find out and leave my with nothing and my little girl having to deal with a new person.
So dear nanny asked me for a recommendation and dear me refused to give her one. Now I knew she was about to ask (little bird, from my nanny to sister's nanny [or was it sister's nanny telling her she should get a letter of recommendation??] to sister to mother to me...) and I was troubling myself how to approach it. I was going to say yes and then try and write something very vague. Well I ended up refusing. She asks why am I punishing her (!) and that she always got recommendations from all the places she worked before (a. fine, then you have no problem with recommendations, one less really won't matter. b. liar as no doubt you haven't worked as a nanny before..). I don't think a recommendation is a must for me (and I think I was very nice giving her a Pesach gift). So she talks about how she doesn't know if she can carry on working for me, as in she will finish the month but doesn't know about June. It was Monday that we had this conversation, I have no idea what is going to happen in the month of June. I do know that last year I also had to not work in June (you know, giving birth..) so it will be quite bad if again June will be off. O.K it's midnight, I should be heading to bed.


* Which brings me to the fact that I have gazillion posts in my reader, a post birthday blues, no mood to read and not much time either. I will catch up on you, I promise, it just might take some time. [for this week, in honor of ICLW I didn't take a morning nap with Butterfly. I think I'd like to go back to it, leaving me only the nights for all my internet stuff]

SuperClimber

O.K, I know I said I'll try not to post about my girl, but.. I will post this video down below so if you can and want to, you'll have to scroll down. If you are not up to it, feel free to pass!
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Oh, before I continue, my "save me" in previous post.. I have a shift button that often gets stuck and a caps lock button with no light showing it's pressed and between the two of them I just couldn't press the comma button,,,,
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Just thought I'd explain so you didn't think I'm complelty weird.
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ICLW

ICLW - the commenting week at the end of the month. Didn't participate in one for a very long time!
I am (yet again) so very much behind on my blog reading, yet I'm going to put aside reading my regular blogs for this week (sorry guys. though I do peek a lot at my reader to see what's new) and attempt to read at least a post from everyone on the ICLW list. May is the month I love to participate in, as the last day of ICLW is my birthday..
So in short about me (besides my birthday being on the 28th lol) - I am a single mother by choice to this amazing little girl who is almost one year old. I do talk mainly about her on my blog, but as I know there are many of you who are not yet fortune to have a child, and I think it's worse when she's a baby, I am going to try and not speak about her for this week.
Other than that not much to say. Lets see, I teach for a living [please save me! the "shift" and the "caps lock" keys are conspiring against me!], live in Israel, have cats..

The meaning of life

yep, that big question..

I believe in the before and after life. That there is this higher form of life where our souls live, but for some reason (a lesson we want to learn), we materialize as humans (or ants or zebras or grass or trees..). In that after/before life place, we "decide" how/why/who we will connect on this life, like friends, a teacher and a pupil, friends, etc. Throughout my pregnancy, I completely had this sensation that Butterfly is a very old soul, not a newbie. I remember feeling how weird as obviously this is a baby and I should feel like she is new into the world. Now of course it could be my beliefs that made me feel that way, I don't know. I just know that that's how I felt. And I do believe that she is here to teach me a lesson and to learn one herself (as any other person).

On a side note, not sure yet how or if relevant but feel like I should mention.. ever since her birth, I feel much much older than just before, and I am very scared of dying. It's going to happen! I will die one day. And oh my! I just hope my little girl won't be so little.
And there was this programme I saw once ( I believe a BBC production) where they showed that all these near death experiences that we hear of, where people nearly die but haven't and came back to tell about it, with meeting with those who have already passed and the purple tunnel and the bright light and all, all those had some kind of scientific explanation. And I took that quite hard. [but now writing, they only proved that there may be scientific proof to the above phenomena, still doesn't mean that near death experiences aren't real..].

So, the other day I read this article. It talked about the big bang and the end of the universe, blah blah. And then it talked about how when the universe will end, it will end. There will be no other big bang to restart the stars and all. Just a big nothing (and even the black holes will die out). Now I thought the theory was that the universe is expanding and then will collapse and then expand again, etc. Or that if it will one day die, then there will be again a big bang etc. Not that the universe will one day die and that will be it.
And yes, that will happen so far into the future, that planet Earth will probably not even be a memory, and nobody will know there ever was a Billy and a Butterfly. But if the universe is to die one day, then all my nice belief about the life before and after death, well not really possible. So if so, if we are not put here to learn a lesson, what is the meaning of life?? Is life really just a coincidence where the right organs and chemicals and all met? Are we just randomness or is there something more than that to life?
Yeah, the big question. That's what's on my mind these days. So on to you, my one and a half reader - What is your intake on the meaning of life, or do you think there's no meaning?
(P.S - scheduling this to be published sometime in the near future)

So, how was your night?

Ours? I bet you can guess by the title and by the time I started this post.
Probably teething. Urg! I think the more teeth she gets, the worse it gets.

If I leave this space empty, then it'll be 4! consecutive posts without a title. Now how's that for a title?

Just a little video from today :-).

Oh, yeah, what I wanted to say - I think I should say nothing about the dirty shirt (orange juice and mud!) because I think it might be a bit too dark to see. So I should also not appologize for Butterfly's very messy hair (she just woke up), again probably too dark to see. Savta is grandma in Hebrew, and I am very camera shy, so I try and be out of the frame and well, don't talk (but my mum does enough talking for both of us. lol).

[a third post in a row without a title!]

Before signing off and going to sleep (which as she wakes less often now, I allow myself to stay up and not go to sleep with her, lol. Problem is I can sometimes forget myself and not go to sleep until late).



My oldest niece, she is quite (hmmm.. very) cold towards my daughter. Which, well, she actually is usually great around babies, so why? My original thought was that as this is not her first younger cousin (she is the oldest most were born in recent years) plus she has very young brother and sister (half, not from my side), maybe she's tired of all the babies around her. Next thought is that I'm not cool [and I am not cool. I know that and don't really care..], so not cool to be around my kid. And seeing her hovering over my brother's daughters when they came for a visit.. [while at the same time totally ignoring my daughter (as well as her other cousins) oh well.]. And then today I'm thinking maybe it's the name. See, she and my daughter have a very similar first name and they are both named after my grandmother. She once commented (before me annoncing the name), how she doesn't like that my cousin gave her dughter this same second name. Well tough. She (Subta as we used to call her) was my grandmother as well as my sister's (her mother..) and my cousin. Just because she was born first doesn't mean we can't also name our child after the same person.



Bath. Doing so much better! She now actually enjoys it! Loves splashing water :-) [although she does need a little nudge going in, and really doesn't like when I wash her hair and water gets in/near her eyes.
We are still having our baths outside. I do think we are ready to come in but also that it is so much more fun having a bath outside, that I think we'll stay outside as long as the weather permits.



We are nearing the end of the Pesach holiday. As much as it is hard being all day every day with her with mostly nothing special to do, I also very much like being 24/7 with her. And the joy that an hour's relief can bring :-) [i.e sister watching her while I quickly go to the shops]. We are a bit off balanced from the little schedule routine we had, so I do want to get back on track there, but so don't want to hand her over to the nanny, and not so much because she's a crap nanny (and no, that doesn't help), just because I want her all to myself!



And now for why I'm actually sitting and writing this post (it is now almost midnight. While writing I had to put her back to sleep. Unfortunatly as I wanted to be quick so that to continue writing, I didn't offer the bowl. Yes she peed and yes she is still with her wet trousers. I just prefer changing her when she's fast asleep because otherwise there will be a lot of crying and god knows when there'll be sleep again!). I wanted to tell you, tell someone, how cute she was when she woke from her (very belated, see, told you off schedule) morning nap. Ususally I'd go in and see her lying with her eyes open. And then, as soon as she sees me, what a big smile! I so love that seeing mummy smile of hers :-). Anyway I go check on her and she is still asleep (about time for her to wake) so I go back to the other room. Half a minute later I see her coming to me. That was the cutest thing ever! I never know how long she lies in bed until I come (I do think that not much as I don't hear her), but she has never done that before [and I will add that she knows only too well how to get in and out of our bed, so it's not something she's just learnt].


EDT - "and god knows when there'll be sleep again!" - I knew when I wrote it that I shouldn't. You know, jinxing. Changing her went well and I managed to lie a few minutes before.... almost quarter to two when she finally got to sleep [and even now as I'm typing she's making noises]. She just fights it and fights it and fights it. Earlier today we came home from sister, over 1/2 an hour drive [that is, with my sister driving fast..]. She was tired (and doesn't so much like being in cars), but would she sleep? Her eyes were closing from time to time, but no, she will not sleep! Instead she screamed almost the whole journey. Oh the joy. It's already 2 am now. I really liked it better when I went to sleep when she did and had a good night's sleep (even if waking often enough during the night).