Tuesday, 22 July 2008

negative


Such a roller coaster. These last days of these two weeks wait - how terrible! (and there would still be those two weeks even if I do two inseminations).

For almost two weeks I managed to maintain the "knowledge" that it wasn't a successful one, and oh well, hopefully next time.. But then I see that my temperatures are still running quite high, so maybe I am pregnant. And then there's a drop (19.6.08) so maybe I'm not. But then again I realize that that night I was r-e-a-l-l-y tired and went to sleep very early (and first night I decided to conquer my fear and have the fan going non-stop all night, and not with the two hour timer I usually have it going [and thus waking up every two hours to reset it..]), so maybe it's insignificant. And then my breasts start to ache, around the nipple - surly that must be a positive sign! But then it fades away. And then the very mild period "pains", but then again somehow they always come with a maybe very weak, but still present, pain in the breast. And most importantly - still no period. So, after all maybe I am? I decide to wait till Wednesday morning, and if I don't get my period by then, to go and have a Beta test. But this morning, my temperature going way down kind of discouraged me. I don't think I could stand hearing again a "no, your not pregnant" on the phone. So I decide that since I am already two days late, that I could do a home pregnancy test, and only if it's positive, go in tomorrow morning for the Beta. Well, the title says it - negative. At least this knowledge ends that roller coaster ride, and now I wait to begin a new and fresh cycle (although I previously thought of skipping the next insemination, I think I won't. Time is too precious).

The funny thing was that while I was positive about being pregnant, and after my psychologist's advice to calmly accept both possibilities, I had a mantra saying that - If I am - good. If I'm not then not too bad. All it means is that my dream will take just a little bit longer to be fulfilled, but I shall become a mummy some day. That was my line of thought when I felt positive about being pregnant. Somehow in the moments I felt I didn't succeed, the mantra turned into - I will never be a mother. And yes, I still find it hard to believe I ever will.

2 comments:

Michal said...

Oi. Sorry to hear.
You confuse me a bit with the dates (19.6.08), but I understand that the figure is of this cycle. Is it?
What are the green days? are these the days of assumed ovulation? Didn't you have your insemination only after they were over?

These two weeks will indeed be even if you had two inseminations, the hope is just that they will be the last such two week (or at least that there will be less of them).

Where do you stand regarding hormones? Still not using any? Still stick to not willing to use any? Maybe some alternative treatments?

You're getting into a bad circle, I especially see it in "I previously thought of skipping the next insemination, I think I won't. Time is too precious" that reveals a blind spot. The idea in a wait is not as in "I don't care, so it'll happen later" but rather as in "I get myself too uptight, this way I'll never get pregnant. I must have a month off to restore my mental balance, and then I'll start again with better chances". So as time is too precious, I do advise to take a rest.

I know you took a week off the Web (or at least the place you usually hang out in, or at least writing in them). I hope you went out more or found some other fun things to do to get distracted from the wait. Don't bury yourself for two out of every four months... Current time is just as precious.

Sending you a big hug, and hopes for a quick success that will relieve you of this terrible period of uncertainty!

Billy said...

ment 19.7.08, last Sat where there's a dip.

The green days are supposed to be my fertile days, and the spotted red vertical- my ovulation day (the horizontal one has no real meaning), but I disagree with them on that. They don't take into account follicles and progestron & E2 levels, whereas I haven't been been doing ovulation tests or checking my cervial fluids [something that I plan on going into], so basiclly all they have to go on are my temps.


I understand what you are saying about taking a month off, but I don't want to do that now. Though the notion is in my mind, so I might concider it again later on..
And no, I don't really have a life. Spent those days home alone, avoiding the computer.