I already mentioned in an earlier post how I prefer keeping the process to myself. My family does know I am trying to conceive, and do from time to time ask if there is anything new, to which I usually answer that they'll know when I'm pregnant. I know of quite a few people who hadn't told about their plans to become single parents until they actually became pregnant. That is a route I could not have gone. I do and did need to know that I have their support, but on the other hand I am shutting them down. Kind of a funny situation..
I would have left my lack of desire to share any information about what and where I am in the process if it didn't bother me. But it does. I often stop and wonder why I refuse to let people into my world, why don't I let them be part of this major happening in my life. I know I really hate telling my mother because she'll bomb me with questions. When my last cycle failed, although I so much wanted a motherly hug and comforting words, I just knew that she was not the one to give me those. Maybe I'm wrong about her, but my experience tells me that she would have asked me all sort of technical questions, not comforting arms.
But my mum is not all the people from whom I shut myself. So why? The other day sister#5 asked me what's new, and my initial reply was of course that she'll know when I'm pregnant, to which she said something about just trying to show interest, which led me to think again - why? Why do I keep on shutting people out? So I ended up asking her to come with me to my next insemination (which was today, but more on that later this week..).
My psychologists explained that for me the distance between being close and being abandoned is too dangerously close, if I reach out I might get rejected. So, she explained, I distance myself and therefore obviously am not rejected. But when someone sends a hand to me, then I allow myself to give them a hand, it is less dangerous. It's a nice theory, not too sure about it, because I also keep to myself in a very friendly environment, an environment which sends lots of hugs and warm words and which is such a pleasure being part of - my SMC forum.