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Tuesday, 8 July 2008


I already mentioned in an earlier post how I prefer keeping the process to myself. My family does know I am trying to conceive, and do from time to time ask if there is anything new, to which I usually answer that they'll know when I'm pregnant. I know of quite a few people who hadn't told about their plans to become single parents until they actually became pregnant. That is a route I could not have gone. I do and did need to know that I have their support, but on the other hand I am shutting them down. Kind of a funny situation..
I would have left my lack of desire to share any information about what and where I am in the process if it didn't bother me. But it does. I often stop and wonder why I refuse to let people into my world, why don't I let them be part of this major happening in my life. I know I really hate telling my mother because she'll bomb me with questions. When my last cycle failed, although I so much wanted a motherly hug and comforting words, I just knew that she was not the one to give me those. Maybe I'm wrong about her, but my experience tells me that she would have asked me all sort of technical questions, not comforting arms.
But my mum is not all the people from whom I shut myself. So why? The other day sister#5 asked me what's new, and my initial reply was of course that she'll know when I'm pregnant, to which she said something about just trying to show interest, which led me to think again - why? Why do I keep on shutting people out? So I ended up asking her to come with me to my next insemination (which was today, but more on that later this week..).
My psychologists explained that for me the distance between being close and being abandoned is too dangerously close, if I reach out I might get rejected. So, she explained, I distance myself and therefore obviously am not rejected. But when someone sends a hand to me, then I allow myself to give them a hand, it is less dangerous. It's a nice theory, not too sure about it, because I also keep to myself in a very friendly environment, an environment which sends lots of hugs and warm words and which is such a pleasure being part of - my SMC forum.


Tanya said...

I am so far on the other end of the spectrum it's not even funny. Seriously, sometimes I wonder why I can't just shut my mouth sometimes.

I can't imagine being able to keep my disappointment to myself. Anytime you want to share we're here for you... blogging is so great in that respect.

Billy said...


Michal said...

I have two thoughts...

On the question of why you don't share, I feel it is a matter of control - the less you disclose, the more control you have. It's sort of similar to worrying of being rejected, but it's not just about rejection, but in any case about getting the "wrong" answers (those that are painful for you).
I know I do that to you sometimes - I answer the "wrong" answer, I am not sensitive enough, it hurts you. Not enough that I would feel that I need to apologize, as it's not something I "do", it's just the wrong answer for you, it disappoints you. I know when it happens (well, usually, and after the fact, of course), and I know you shut off for a while (hours/days), and then you come back. It's these pains that you experience, as you are so sensitive, that you wish to avoid. With me, on a virtual relationship, you have much more control, you indeed can "disappear". In face-to-face situations, maybe you're more cautious.

About your mom's expected reaction - I am reminded of our family therapy and my relationship with my older son. The therapist teaches me how to modify my reactions - she tells me to stop being practical (I keep bringing up solutions to difficulties) and to just focus on emotions - ask him how he feels about a sad thing that happened, don't immediately try to solve it.
I have a feeling that your mother finds it so unbearable that you are in some kind of trouble or pain, that she wants to immediately dismiss it - either show you it's nothing, or find a quick way to solve it, or, if worse comes to worst, to actually "prove" to you that it's "all your fault", as if this way she can feel better.
It's a stupid behavior on her part, but at least understanding it may make it a bit less painful for you.
It's not easy for me to train myself to let my son dwell in his emotions rather than "make them go away"... It's not easy for your mom either, and she's probably not even aware of it.

(I hope this long comment doesn't get lost...)

Billy said...


Anonymous said...

Here from Creme de la Creme. I'm the same way, and it's a constant topic of conversation with my therapist. For me, I have a hard time with what others will think, and with the judgements they will make. At times I tell my therapist that the "telling" and sharing is as hard for me as the actual IF.

Best of luck to you!


areyoukiddingme said...

I prefer to keep things to myself, and I know it's not because I fear rejection. I fear sympathy and pity. I do not want to be dragged down that path. I am not a trusting person, so I always think sympathy is fake, and I never want anyone's pity.

I think I also don't want to disappoint others. If I'm all excited about an upcoming event, what choice do others I tell have but to be excited too? And when it doesn't work, and I am sad, should they have to be sad too?

Of course, my family is all on the insensitive side, so that may have something to do with it (my mom moreso than anyone).

Here from the Creme...

Lori Lavender Luz said...

Nearly half a year has passed. Have you found that opening up has gotten any easier, or that is has tangible benefits in spite of how difficult it can be?

Wishing you a bountiful 2009.

Billy said...

I would say more of the latter. Outwards I don't like to share and prefer keeping things to myself, but would have loved to be able to share.
But I'm not sure I would call it benefits. I think I've learned in life (in my life) to be quiet and keep things to myself, so changing that is not so easy.

Billy said...

Forgot to mention.. the reason I chose this post for the creme, was because I felt it is still relevant.

Melis.sa said...

i'm the same way when it comes to ttc. i keep my cards close. the last time i said anything i had just gotten a bfp only to miscarry, so now i'm keeping my mouth shut until...i don't know until there's a viable baby.

best of luck in 2009 :)

Patricia said...

Here via la Creme...

I find it so comforting to read of others who keep all this very close to the vest. I never talk about any of it with my family. I have a "real life" friend and many blogfriends who give me the support I need and I just know that the questions, the wonderings, the looks from my family would add to the stress rather than alleviate it.

Thanks for sharing this with Creme.