Blues.. Naming last post "blue" I really forgot about that other meaning of blue, but now I am definitely blue. There is this post I wrote this morning on the way to the clinic, and there's a TTC update.
Before I go on, I just want to clarify - I am a collector of information and do like to help whenever I can. That has nothing to do with being blue in the forum. It is just that now I have to be more aware of what and how I say.
I'll start with the intended post:
Things between me and my mother are not good right now. They have never been best, but now are bad times. She is a mother, over 45 years ago she decided to marry and start her family, have kids, and that somehow is a job title that never ends. Not that she was the best of mums growing up. Growing up my father was really mean to me, he was a rotten father, so I used to go to her for protection. Going to her, being in her shade, led my father to believe that I was my mother's little girl. So not.
She is a mother by title only. She will do things because as a mother she needs to, but it is so not from the heart [the funny thing is seeing how she helps sister #6 with her daughter, she really goes out of the way to help her, something she didn't do with any previous grandkids].
And now, all the time fighting me. All the time worried about her space, her her her, not about me and how she can be more motherly to me. She portrays me as this evil thing that she has to fight all the time. And the funny thing is that if she would cease to go head to head with me, if she would pick up her head and see me for once, she would see that our goals aren't that different, and that helping me, being a mother to me, would also benefit her.
But she can't see me, she so can't see me. And I try and try and try. Shrink says I keep trying because I haven't yet given up hope. I should, because the pain each time..
As regards TTC - seems I have a cyst, and have to sit out this month. Last thing I want to do. I so can't just sit out and wait and wait and wait. Another wasted month of not doing anything.
Oh, and my diagnosed moved from "single" to "unexplained". Actually last month they wrote unexplained on my chart, but then I thought it was amusing. Now it's errrrrrrrrr.
And dr. said that if this try won't work out, I should proceed to IVF. Kind of knew that since the usual protocol here is doing three medicated cycles before moving on to IVF.