Sunday, 14 December 2008

scattered

First thank you all for your support. This is such an amazing community!

As I already mentioned, when I went to have the blood tests done for the new bank, I was asked if I'm pregnant, started saying that I don't know and had the nurse register it as a "no". Oops, silly me forgot that some tests (like rubella) they only do on pregnant women. Last time the nurse said something about it, so I mentioned that I was trying to conceive. Forgot about it this time. Which means they (probably) didn't test me for rubella, which means I have to go again. Annoying if you think that it's not as if I myself can ask to have a blood test done, but it has to come with a doctor's note, so trust me that if my doctor asked for this test, then it is requested.

I could see the doctor at the clinic only on Wednesday which will probably be first day of stims. Luckily I still have some drugs left (I have no idea, but my guess is that we'll continue with the same protocol).

Tomorrow I hope to buy vials of my new sperm. I have most of the tests they wanted (actually, back then they wanted me to buy, so it should be O.K). Unfortunately I can't find my I.D card (to prove I'm single, but I hope that won't be a problem). I do hope donor is still available. Oh, and they only allow buying two vials at a time..

And love. Last week, when I thought I was carrying my child, I felt love for this thing growing inside me. And it amazed me. I couldn't feel it, see it or anything, just knowing it is there and my heart was already loving it. And I couldn't but think how when I'll see it in the u/s and then (or before? what comes first?) feel it moving/kicking and when it's born etc etc, how this love can only grow and grow.
Thinking about "regular couples", couples who decide it's time to have a baby and just stop taking pills or using condoms or whatever, still in the when it will happen it will happen. They too might have chemical pregnancies, but they wouldn't know about it. For them it's only a period coming late. But then again, they wouldn't have the privilege of loving your child from almost the absolute beginning..

5 comments:

bleu said...

What a wonderful way to look at it.

princessoftides said...

Ugh, aren't you fed up with going to doctors just about now?

I agree with your other point - I really think SMCs have a huge head start on being good parents, just because of all the soul searching that goes into just making the decision. Infertiles too - when you try so hard for so long, it really gives you a different perspective on what it means to really want a child.

Miss X said...

Oh Billy, I'm so sorry about the chemical pregnancy. Glad to see your spirits are high and you haven't given up hope.

It will happen! I have a good feeling about you moving to the new center & new donor.

Dora said...

Billy, I know what you mean. I loved little 11 even before he/she was in me. As soon as I heard one had fertilized. But when I saw the little dot on the u/s screen that was my little 11 celled embie, I was really attached. And I didn't even get a faint line.

Heavy heart said...

Billy..I am so sorry for you..but am also proud about the way you are handling it!

BTW I tagged you! Check it out and do it when you feel like..